Original subtitles

♪ green acres is The place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

♪ new york is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you, But give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

You dirty no-good...

Oliver.

Whose names were those?

Oliver.

Over here, by the barn.

Oliver, when I came Out of the house,

There were lots of Names in front of me.

Yeah. There were Some in front of me, too.

Who were they?

I don't know.

I got enough trouble With this darn tractor

And I hit my thumb With a hammer.

You want me to kiss it And make it feel better?

Please.

That isn't very nice.

I'm sorry. Here.

It's too dirty.

What's wrong with the tractor?

Well, the wheel came off again.

Oh, I thought that it was That one that always fell off.

Which one? That one.

Oh, how many Times have I told you

Not to point at my wheel?

It wouldn't have been Very good stuck on.

It wasn't stuck on, It was bolted on.

You want me to Help you to fix it?

You don't know how.

Well, I helped You with that one.

Lisa, you're trying me.

I'm sorry, darling.

Did you want something Or did you just

Come out here to Point at my wheels?

I came out to ask you something.

What?

I forgot.

Give me a hint.

Oh, oh, I remember.

Is arnold ziffel a Friend of yours?

Arnold?

Oh, the ziffel's pig.

Yes.

Well, I wouldn't Say he was a friend.

We say hello when we meet.

I wouldn't wanna Play bridge with him.

Why?

But you like him?

Hmm, he's all right. Why do you ask?

Well, the ziffels want to go Away for a couple of weeks,

And they would like To leave arnold with us.

They usually take Arnold with them.

Yes, but not this time.

They are going to niagara Falls on a 2nd honeymoon,

And, well, you just don't take Anybody along on your honeymoon.

We did. Your mother.

We didn't take her along.

We just happened to Run into her in europe.

It was a coincidinkle.

Yeah, yeah, some coincidinkle.

We were riding on The orient express,

And she came through selling Chopped chicken-liver sandwiches.

Oliver, I think we'd better Go on a 2nd honeymoon

Because the first One just about had it.

I was just teasing you About your mother.

Are you sure? Of course.

Did she chop that liver herself?

Oliver!

Oh, it's all right. You Tell... You tell the ziffels

That arnold can stay with us.

Mrs. Ziffel, what's the Matter with arnold?

Oh, he's upset because We're goin' away.

It's the first time We ever left him.

Oh, he's old enough to be...

You know, maybe fred And me shouldn't go.

Oh, now don't be silly.

We'll take care of him.

After all, what is there To taking care of a pig?

What do you wanna do With arnold's bathtub?

His bathtub?

Just put it Anywhere, mr. Ziffel.

Now, mr. Douglas, when You give him his bath,

Make sure the Water isn't too hot.

What you gotta do Is stick your elbow...

I have no intention Of sticking my elbow...

Mr. Douglas, would you mind Helping me with arnold's t.V. Set?

His t.V. Set?

He likes his own set.

It's easier for him to adjust.

Mr. Ziffel, uh, wait, wait.

Now, here's his diet.

He's got a very Sensitive stomach.

Nothing fried, no fatty Foods, no strawberries.

He's allergic to 'em, Breaks out in a rash.

Here's his crib.

I couldn't find his Electric blanket.

What a shame!

Mr. And mrs. Douglas,

You don't know how much we've been Lookin' forward to this 2nd honeymoon.

We couldn't go if we didn't Have neighbors like you.

Yeah, just my luck You had to move in.

Fred, if you don't Want to go, just say so.

I don't want to go.

He said that about Our first honeymoon.

Where did you go on your First honeymoon, mr. Ziffel?

Oh, I forget.

We went to chicago, to the Stockbreeders convention.

Oh, yeah.

Fred won a blue ribbon.

For what?

Her.

Fred, you're askin' for it!

Look, doris,

Why don't we get goin' and Get this stupid thing over with?

Men! Well, goodbye, Mrs. Douglas.

Goodbye, mrs. Ziffel, Have a good time.

Thank you.

Bye, arnold.

Take care of him, won't you?

Don't worry. We Take good care of him.

Bye, mr. Douglas.

Have a good time.

Well, they're on their way.

They are? Yes.

All right, off the chair.

Off the chair.

All right, now, outside.

Outside! You're not Gonna live in this house!

Oliver!

Lisa, if the ziffels want to Treat him like a spoiled child,

That's their business.

But while I'm his father...

While I'm taking care of him.

He's a pig, he's Gonna live like one.

Oliver, turn on the light.

What? What? Oh.

What's the matter? What's the matter?

Arnold is crying.

Arnold?

Perhaps he's lonesome,

Isn't used to Sleeping in a barn.

Perhaps you better bring him in.

I'm not gonna bring that Pig into this bedroom.

Go to sleep.

Perhaps he's cold.

Why should he be cold? He's got our electric blanket.

Wait till he tells the ziffels The way you treated him.

Let him tell 'em. Now, Please, will you go to sleep?

Who's that?

All right, I'm coming!

How could you...

How could... Who let you...

Wait... That was me.

Eb.

Mr. Douglas, I can't sleep with arnold Squealing his lungs out under my room.

I can't sleep either.

Yeah, but you're the boss.

You don't have To get up till 11:00.

What do you mean? I get...

Now, you go on back to your Room and you take arnold with you.

Where's arnold?

Where all good pigs Are this time of the night,

Asleep in their cribs.

Nighty night.

Oh, good night.

Shh.

Are you going to leave The door open like that?

The monroe brothers will Be here early in the morning.

Let them fix it.

Honey, I forgot to tell you that Arnold can't sleep with the lights off.

Oh!

Boy, ralph, they must have Had some wind in here last night.

Knocked the door Right off the track.

He's still sleepin' it off.

He left the light on.

Well, a lot of guys are Afraid to sleep in the dark.

Well, what do we do, alf?

What are you askin' me for? It's Your turn to be foreman this week.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. How About fixin' the door?

Ok.

What... What?

Morning, sleepyhead.

What time is it?

How do we know? We're Not clock-watchers.

Hold it.

What's the matter?

There happens to Be a lady present.

Where?

Oh.

Ralph, would you Please turn your back?

Oh, certainly.

Hold it.

Out of respect for my sister.

All right. You can Get to work now.

I want you to fix...

Breakfast is ready.

We'll be right there.

My wife is calling me.

How can we tell? She Didn't mention any names.

Just get to work.

Alf, there goes the greatest Argument against drinking I know of.

Good morning, Darling. Good morning.

How did you sleep?

I didn't close an eye.

That pig grunts in his sleep.

It's the last time...

Would you like to have Your coffee now or later?

Now.

Couldn't you wait? It Won't be ready until later.

Then why did you ask?

What's for breakfast?

Chopped chicken-liver Sandwiches.

What?

The orient express came through And I bought some from my mother.

All right.

Good morning.

Good morning, eb.

Mr. Douglas, I went Over to the ziffels.

I promised to pick up Their mail every day.

Where's arnold? There's a letter for him,

From the government.

From the government?

Selective s-service?

"You are hereby

Ordered to report..."

What's so funny?

Arnold's been drafted.

You turned him in.

I did not.

When does he have to report?

Tomorrow.

I'd better help Him pack. Oh, eb.

They're not really going To take him, are they?

Well, they sent him His induction papers.

If he passes the physical...

I better get in touch With the ziffels.

Now, don't be silly. The Whole thing's a mistake.

Just forget about it.

Simpkins, lem. Check.

Tadwell, john. Check.

Wilson, carl.

Check.

Ziffel, arnold.

No check.

What?

Never showed up For his physical.

Where does he live?

Over in hooterville.

You know him?

No.

We finally got one.

Spoiled our perfect record.

First one in the county.

Should I send him Another notice?

Oh, no, no.

We've... We've got to go Over and talk to this...

Zuffel person.

Ziffel.

Zuffel? Ziffel.

We were just over there.

Don't seem to be Nobody down there.

Oh, no, they're away.

They have a boy named arnold?

Yes.

Did he go with them?

No, we're taking care of Him till his parents return.

Oh.

We would like to talk to him.

What about?

We're from the county Selective service board.

Oh, he got a letter from you.

Then why didn't he show Up like he was supposed to?

Well, my husband Said he didn't have to.

He laughed at your letter.

Oh, he did?

Thought it was funny.

Yes, he said the whole Thing was ridiculous

And that arnold Didn't have to go.

Look, lady. Arnold's In big trouble.

He has to report for induction.

Why would the army want arnold?

He is a pig.

We just let the army worry About his table manners.

You see that he gets down there

For his physical tomorrow Morning, now, you hear?

Report for his physical?

Didn't you tell Them what arnold is?

Yes, but they said they Don't care how arnold eats.

They want him there Tomorrow morning.

All right, I'll have him There tomorrow morning.

Sergeant. Yeah?

This induction notice Came yesterday.

And I...

Oh, ziffel, you Finally showed up.

Oh, no.

Take your clothes Off and sit down.

And take the pig outside.

No, sergeant, I'm Not arnold ziffel.

Oh, I suppose he is.

Yes, that's right, he's him.

Take your clothes Off and sit down.

Uh, but, sergeant...

And take the pig outside.

Look, is there anybody Here in authority?

You kiddin', mac?

Look, somebody made a mistake.

Well, I suppose you're gonna Write to your congressman

And get me court-martialed.

Now, why don't you take Your clothes off and sit down?

And take the pig outside.

But, sergeant, I...

The army ain't bad,

Once you get used to the food.

I know all about the Army. I was in the last war.

On whose side?

Now, listen, ziffel...

No, no, douglas is my... Oliver wendell douglas...

Arnold, please.

Ahem, here's my Identification, sergeant.

My credit cards. Airline credit Card, telephone credit card,

Hotel credit card, Gasoline credit card.

Don't you pay cash for nothin'?

I'm an attorney.

Oh, you're arnold's lawyer.

Uh, no. This is arnold ziffel.

You know, nobody's tried To pull a thing like this

Since the guy tried to palm Off a kangaroo as his brother.

Sergeant, I'm telling You this is arnold ziffel.

You can ask anybody In hooterville.

Hooterville? I think that's where The guy with the kangaroo came from.

Sergeant!

Look, now you tell Your client, arnie ziffel,

That if he isn't in here By tomorrow morning,

We're gonna send a couple Of guys out to get him.

Well, hello, there.

F.B.I.

F.B.I.?

We have a warrant for the Arrest of, uh, arnold ziffel.

I told the draft board, And I told the sergeant,

And I'm telling you, Arnold ziffel's a pig.

A pig?

Yes. His parents Left him with us.

Well, um, they're... They're not his parents.

The ziffels, they're An old couple that...

They're away on their honeymoon.

Well, it's not their Honeymoon, really, it's their...

All right, mr. Douglas, uh,

You say arnold is a pig?

Yes.

May we see him?

Of course.

Where is he?

He's in the bedroom Watching television.

He likes to watch television.

He's always turning the set on.

Well, come on, I'll show ya.

Gentlemen, there is your pig.

Hello, there.

How do you do?

You call a beautiful Woman like that a...

This is my wife.

Lisa, these men Are from the f.B.I.

Oh.

I watch your Program all the time.

Uh, yes?

Did you ever shoost anybody?

Huh?

Oh, you know, With a gun, shoost.

Uh, no, we haven't Shoosted anybody.

They're looking for arnold.

Now, where is he?

Oh, he went out in the Barn to see eleanor.

Eleanor?

She's a cow.

You don't have any Respect for women, do you?

That's her name.

Oh, sorry.

Just a second.

Who are you?

Who are you?

We're with the f.B.I.

Oh, finally caught you.

He's a hot-head, but he'd Never shoost anybody.

They don't want my Husband, they want arnold.

Have you seen him anywhere?

Yeah, he was out in The back with alice.

Alice?

Chicken.

Come on, we'll find arnold.

And then maybe You'll be convinced.

Why don't we arrest him?

On what charges?

Oh, he must have done something.

Gentlemen, this Is arnold ziffel.

Uh-huh?

I, uh, don't suppose he Has any identification.

Of course not.

Then we just have Your word for it.

No, anybody around Here will tell you...

Mr. Douglas.

Oh, mr. Kimball, hello there.

I didn't know you were Busy. I'll come back later.

Well, not later, because...

Now, these gentlemen Are from the f.B.I.

Oh.

I'm with the department Of agriculture.

Guess that sort of makes Us sister officers, huh?

Well, not sisters, but brothers.

Although we're Not really related.

Maybe we are.

Mr. Kimball, I wonder If you could help us.

Certainly.

Always glad to help Out a brother sister.

Uh, sister fellow.

May I see your Credentials, please?

Say, that's a pretty Good picture of you.

Much better than mine.

Who does your photography?

Mr. Kimball, uh, these gentlemen Would like to ask you a question.

About what?

Do you know arnold ziffel?

Arnold ziffel.

Oh, hello, there.

Nice pig.

Arnold ziffel.

Is the name familiar?

No, the name is Kimball, hank kimball.

Yeah. That's my thumbprint.

If you got an ink Pad, I'd be glad...

We know who you are.

It's arnold ziffel we're Trying to find out about.

You're from the f.B.I.

Um, we've already told you that.

Must be something Pretty serious, huh?

It is.

It just shows you how wrong you Can be about a person's character.

Mr. Kimball...

Mr. Douglas, it's pretty obvious What's going on around here.

It's a conspiracy to help Arnold ziffel evade the draft.

There's no conspiracy. I'm telling you.

If you tell us once more, That that's arnold ziffel,

You're going to end up in jail.

That is arnold ziffel!

If the man from the I.B.M. Said you shouldn't say it,

Well, then you Shouldn't have said it.

It's not the I.B.M. And this is a free Country. I can say what I want to.

Then why are you in jail?

Did you call bill Wingate in new york?

Yes, he remembered you.

Oh, he... Well that's Very nice of him.

We were only law Partners for 15 years.

I gave him your message.

I told him you're in jail for Helping to keep a pig out of the army.

What did he say?

He said I should call Him when I am sober.

Oh, no. Well, I gotta Get out of here.

Look, call the ziffels In niagara falls.

Tell them to come back and Straighten this thing out.

Doris.

Yes?

Did you turn on the shower?

It's the falls.

Fred.

Wait till you see this.

What is it?

It's a negligee.

Mrs. Douglas gave it to me.

No wonder. It's full of holes.

It's supposed to be.

Doris, why don't we go home?

Aw, fred, we just got here.

Hello? Hello?

Yes.

Yes, this is mr. Ziffel.

Long distance? Who is it?

Oh, hello?

Arnold?

That arnold? Let me talk to him.

Hello? Yes, mrs. Douglas.

Well, I'll be doggoned.

Yes, I will, mrs. Douglas.

Right away.

Pack your duds.

What on earth for?

We're goin' home.

What's wrong?

Arnold's in some kind of Trouble with the draft board.

What?

Pack your things.

Fred.

Did you arrange this?

Gosh, mr. Douglas, You're famous.

Listen to this.

"Oliver wendell douglas, Noted hooterville pig lawyer,

Was successful in his Efforts to have arnold ziffel..."

Pig lawyer?

You gonna send arnold a bill?

Mrs. Ziffel said she was so Glad she left arnold with us,

Because nobody would Have gone to jail for arnold

Except you.

Lisa, this is the last time I'll do any Favors for anybody around here.

I'm not getting mixed Up in any more nonsense.

Mr. Douglas. Yes.

I've got a problem.

Oh, it's you again.

What have you got this time?

Another draft notice.

Take off your clothes, sit Down, and take the girl outside.

Sergeant, would you Please read the draft notice?

Ralph monroe. Where is he?

This is him, uh, her.

Run out of pigs, eh?

Sergeant.

I'll say one thing for You. You never give up.

Now, where's ralph monroe?

I'm ralph monroe.

Well, at least this one Can speak for himself.

Sergeant, it's not a Himself, it's a herself.

You stay out of this.

Ok, mac, take off your Dress and sit down.

No, don't do it.

I'm warnin' you.

Sergeant, they've Made another mistake.

Miss monroe happens To have a boy's name.

Mr. Douglas, if They want me, I'll go.

See, he wants to go.

Do you think I could get the Same outfit with my cousin?

What's his name?

Louise.

I better get the psychiatrist.

She doesn't need a psychiatrist.

No, but I do.

This is a shame that mrs. Ziffel Never got a chance to wear this.

Well, maybe it's just as well.

Why do you say that?

It's full of holes.

All I want is a Good night's sleep.

No pigs.

A little peace and quiet.

Good night.

Good night.

Oliver.

Hmm?

I think ralph was a little sad because They wouldn't take her in the army.

She's still got the navy And the marines. Good night.

Good night.

Oliver.

What?

Would you like to go to niagara Falls on a 2nd honeymoon?

With whom?

For a fellow who wanted To get a good nights sleep,

That wasn't a very Smart thing to say, jack.

You're right. I apologize.

If I ever go on another honeymoon, I want to go with you. Good night.

You're sweet.

Would you like me to Sing you a gypsy lullaby?

Turn out the light.

Then you can't see my dance.

What dance?

The one which goes With the gypsy lullaby.

Where are you going?

To get this!

As long as we're gonna Have a musical evening,

We might as well do it right.

Hey, hey, hey.

I wouldn't go on a 2nd Honeymoon with him.

He's no fun.