Original subtitles

So, what do you want to come to?

How about to our incredible sex life?

So,

what room

do you want to do it in now?

Well,

you've already conquered the entire downstairs.

Let's just be boring and do it in the bedroom.

Yeah, let's be boring.

I have a surprise for you.

Actually, I'd prefer you in nothing at all.

It's not for me.

But how'd you know?

Your mom told me.

Now let's get you in uniform.

Now, I know how you've always admired Gil's gas pumping abilities, so... Hi,

guys.

So I invited him over to watch.

I hope he does more than just watch.

You really are the greatest.

Is that you?

No, it's the alarm clock.

The alarm clock?

Dad, I'm sleeping.

All right.

I'll just be in the shower.

Care to join me?

Brain check.

Just a little sore.

Sure.

Brain check.

I've got to get laid.

Morning, Daniel.

Morning, Mr. Hyatt. Mr. Hyatt, beautiful day.

Did you have any luck last night?

Don't worry, she'll come around.

The whole neighborhood is pulling for you. Thanks, Mrs. Hyatt.

Did you bring up the anal yet with the missus?

Not yet, Mr. Hyatt. Well, because, you know, Mrs. Hyatt wasn't always this

frisky. No, it took a little bit of backdoor loving just to get our love

rolling. Oh, Henry.

Oh, come on.

Oh, tell him about the tape.

Oh, yeah, we made this video. Well, I'm off to work.

Well, we'll pray for you, Daniel.

Baby,

I like your dreadlocks.

Maybe you make my heart stop.

Baby, I'll make your dreams come true.

Baby, you make my heart so maybe I love

you totally. Baby, can I rock with you?

Hey, Dan.

Any good news?

No.

I'm just a freshman and even I'm getting pussy every night.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

All right, place your bets. Place your bets. What do we got? It says here Marcy

holds the world's record for most consecutive headaches.

What do you got? What do you got? What do you got? February 3rd. She's not in

the mood.

Ah, Marcy, five favorite words.

Marcy, the second night of Passover.

Come on, I'm just kidding.

It's been three months since we got married. I'm going insane here.

Another headache?

She's still, you know, sore.

Who gets a vaginal piercing the night before their wedding?

Look, her piercer said she should feel this comfort for a few months.

It's been a few months.

I'm sure it'll be any day now.

I don't know how you do it, man.

Marcy must give one hell of an H .J., huh?

Actually, she has carpal tunnel.

That sucks.

But I'll bet her tongue still knows its way around your balls, huh?

And lockjaw.

Oh, my God. God, I had no idea it was that bad.

Morning, Don.

Morning.

Morning, Ms.

Fleckenschecker.

Don, I hate to do this to you, but we're running a little behind on the floppy

bar line, and I'd really appreciate it if you could stay a few extra hours.

Sure thing, Ms. Fleckenschecker.

Don, please.

We're family.

I'm your sister -in -law.

Call me Catherine.

Okay. Catherine?

Wow.

It's official.

You have the hottest sister -in -law in the world.

Oh, you should pull a sister swap.

Come on, Catherine's totally into you.

What? I could never cheat on Marcy.

Well, foreshadowing. F -O -U -R or F -O -R -E?

F -O -R -E.

Thanks.

Yeah, that's the third time this week Catherine asked me to stay late.

If I miss another episode of Two and a Half Men, I'm not going to know what the

F is going on this season.

I better get a promotion out of this.

Of course you'll get a promotion. Your father -in -law owns the company.

You think he's still pissed about your bachelor party?

Well, here he comes. Why don't you ask him?

Hey, Chuck.

What's up?

Good morning, Mr. Fleckenchecker.

Up yours, faggot.

He's coming around.

Yesterday he just set up yours. Now at least you have a title.

Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out if I had stayed with

Catherine.

But then I wouldn't have gotten to get together with Marcy.

Rhetorical discourse intended to explain information not otherwise disclosed at

a given moment.

Exposition. Thank you.

So, what do you want for lunch? Chinese?

We had Chinese yesterday.

So I like Chinese.

You can't have Chinese two days in a row. Of course you can.

Do you think people in China ever get tired of eating Chinese?

I have lunch plans with my folks anyway.

Well, hey, give your mom my best.

And your dad.

Give your mom and dad equal parts of my best to both of them.

Equally. The hell are you talking about?

I gotta go.

Damn it. Take my shit.

They installed a mail flop locker.

What?

Well, it's a device designed to keep you from stuffing your shitty flyers in

their door every day.

Oh, hey.

What do you think about this?

Ooh, kind of stuck.

Oh, thanks.

Did you land Yapowitz versus Yapowitz?

No. As a matter of fact, it did not.

Sorry, Mom.

Hey, you know what?

You should be.

You didn't even make your parents hire me for their divorce.

I said I was sorry.

You know what?

You can take your story and suck my dick. And your parents, they can suck my

dick as well.

And that guy over there, I don't even know that guy. That guy can suck my dick

too.

Your whole family sucks.

You and your retarded haircut.

And your dad with his jean shorts.

I mean, who the fuck wears jean shorts?

You okay?

Yeah.

Sorry about what I said.

That's okay.

Hey, I'm still gonna see you at the game on Saturday, right?

Yeah, I'll be, uh, early for shoot -around.

What do you want?

Uh... I'm looking for my parents.

Who?

Hey, Dad, you son of a bitch!

Mom?

Dan!

My baby boy.

Mom, what's going on here?

Oh, that.

I thought you were your father.

Where's Dad?

And who was that woman who came to the door?

Well, I'd hardly call her a woman.

She's your father's new plaything.

A real tramp, if you ask me. I'm glad, you bitch!

So, how are things at home?

Uh, you know, fine.

Things are pretty normal, I guess.

Oh.

So you two still haven't... I'd rather not discuss my sex life with my mother.

I'll take that as a no.

Well, sex ruins marriages anyway.

Because you're no good at it. Dad?

What happened to you?

Your mother shot me.

What? I thought he was an intruder. I was just protecting myself.

I was coming out of the shower, for Christ's sake.

Wait a second. Hold on. Where did you get a gun from? I carry one around now

protection. See?

Jesus, Mom.

Well, you never know when some lowlife sleaze is going to try and hurt you.

Break your heart and leave you for some skank who isn't even old enough to vote

yet. I can still hear you. I know you can!

So, who's ready to eat?

Whoa, dude, dude, dude, dude.

Check out the dick and balls on this chick.

That's gross.

Well, whatever.

I don't have to get back to her right away.

Just had a go with the folks.

You know, seeing them always makes me appreciate how good things are with me

Marcy.

I mean, yeah, we haven't had sex in three months, but at least she hasn't

me yet.

Whatever you say.

Whoa, hey, what are you doing? Getting sticky notes.

What the hell?

Why do you have a picture of my mom in your desk?

Well, you know, your mom's always been like a mom to me, too.

Cooking dinner for me and... Taking me to baseball practice and tucking me in

night. Dude, that was when we were seven.

Yeah, well, it's still really important to me.

I gotta go.

Mr. Fields needs these by the end of the day.

Are you all right?

Jamie, how do you do it?

How do you maintain such a great marriage after all these years?

Honesty.

Without honesty, there can be no hope for... Wait.

No sex.

Sex is the foundation of every great marriage. Without good sex, a marriage

hopeless. Thank you.

No problem.

Fields, Baker, and Thomas, how can I help you? Hey, babe, it's me.

Hey. I just want to let you know I'm going to be home late tonight.

Your sister needs me here again.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, but I think that promotion's all about mine.

Of course it is. Just, you know, do anything and everything Catherine wants

to do.

Prove to her that you're capable of mastering all positions.

Okay.

All right, so I'll see you later tonight.

Hey, listen, I was thinking, you know, it's been a few months and...

Maybe if your vagina's feeling better later, we could fool around?

Hello? Hello?

Hey.

Oh, Catherine.

Staples, yeah. Sure thing. I'll bring them over in a bit.

Okay, I'll bring them over right now.

Catherine? Yeah?

I'll have whatever he's drinking.

Whiskey.

Keep them coming.

What did you do, break the fax machine?

I had an affair.

You had an affair? Like you went to a gala or a social event?

I slept with Catherine.

Our boss?

No, Catherine Zeta -Jones. Oh my... My God, I love her. She was so good in

Entrapment. How do you even meet her? I didn't sleep with Catherine Zeta -Jones.

Dan, you know I'm not good with sarcasm. Yeah, sorry. I slept with Catherine,

our boss.

Wow.

Are her tits real?

She ambushed me.

Yeah, of course she did. She came out of the shadows like a ninja.

Like a ninja with boobs.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

Okay? Tell me everything that happened in great detail, starting from the

beginning. Well,

I was sitting at my desk. My phone rang.

Hey.

Oh, it's Catherine.

She says she needs to borrow some staples. Could I come over to her office

drop some off?

So naturally, I thought this would just be a routine staple exchange.

But what I got instead is far from routine.

I have a new assignment for you, Dan.

What's that?

Humping the boss.

Your dad's gay?

Come here, goddammit.

I want it.

Done, I want it now.

It became clear to me now that she might not really want my staples, but use

them only as an excuse to lure me to her office.

Give it to me. Give it to me.

Oh, it's so medium -sized.

I tried to fight her off, but it was hopeless.

Figured my best bet was to just sit back and wait until it was over.

Just sit back and let her ravish me.

Let her have her way with my body, caressing every square inch with her

Go on.

Get out of here. Go back to your wings.

Yes! Oh, we're fucking... We are fucking now!

You're so perfectly medium -sized.

Oh, I love that big, hard knee. I love it.

Yes, yes.

Who's the boss now, huh?

Who is it?

Who's the boss, Dad?

Yes. Oh, you feel so good, Dad.

Do you like this? Can you like this?

Yeah. Yeah.

Give me that floppy ball.

I love those goddamn floppy balls.

It's terrible.

My marriage is over.

Well, only if you tell Marcy.

I have to tell her.

You know I'm not good at keeping secrets from her.

Heavens me.

Now Marcy's going to divorce me, and I'll end up like my parents.

Well,

at least your mom makes out pretty good.

I mean, made out pretty good. I don't... You know what I mean.

Oh, God, I'm such a dick.

Marcy would never do this to me.

You know why?

Because she's a good person.

And good people don't go around banging their wife hither.

Well, what if she did?

What if Marcy slept with Catherine?

No, what if she had an affair?

That way when you go to confess, she'll feel so bad that she has to forgive you.

You can forgive each other.

Jesus, man, what is wrong with you?

And in case you haven't noticed, sex isn't really high on Marcy's list of

to do. Well, whatever. She said it was gonna take, what, three months tops for

her cooch to heal? It's been three months.

Even if I wanted to go along with this plan, Marcy certainly wouldn't. She's

that kind of girl. Well, you gotta make her that kind of girl. You gotta start

acting coldly towards her.

Come home late, always be in a bad mood, knock her around a little.

What? All right, don't come home late. Whatever. All I'm saying is you can't be

that same lovable asshole that she fell in love with.

Where you going?

Home. To tell my wife everything.

He's a dead man.

Hey, let me get a, uh, gimlet.

Honey. Oh,

sweetheart, you scared me.

Sorry.

Dinner will be ready in a second.

You want to set the table?

Marcy, there's something I need to tell you.

What is it?

I did something really bad tonight.

Well, whatever it is, you know, I'm sure we can make it better.

I slept with your sister.

You did what?

I know. It was a horrible thing for me to do, and I will make it up to you.

All right, I'll do it.

I'll find someone to have sex with my wife.

Tough day at work today?

Yep.

Captain's writing you pretty hard, isn't she?

We are fucking now!

Yeah, you could say that.

Whoa, what are you doing?

Giving my husband a massage.

I'm sorry. You just caught me off guard.

We haven't been too intimate since the wedding, and...

I know that's my fault.

But I also want you to know how much I love you.

Remember the first time I gave you a massage?

Wasn't it during my niece's wheelchair basketball game?

Mm -hmm.

And your bow tie was strangling you.

So you took it off.

We snuck out back to the auditorium and into the cafeteria.

And then you lied down on the cool kids table.

And you proceeded to ride me throughout the entire slam dunk competition.

And then our own bridal lass took over and... She did me right there.

Bring this floppy to the table.

Huh?

I'm, uh, really tired.

I had a long day with... I love those goddamn floppy balls!

You know, Catherine riding me and all.

I'll go brush my teeth.

Jay.

Hey.

Thanks for the massage.

Best one yet.

Anytime.

I want this guy in a ponytail.

I wouldn't post them up, you know what I mean?

That guy's the guy with the crazy sideburns. He looks like a huge

Yeah, it's amazing.

It's like these guys leave their house more without looking in the mirror.

Some people have no self -respect.

It's embarrassing.

I'm embarrassed for him.

You're not embarrassed.

I haven't had sex in three months.

I can't go more than five minutes without the tang. Good luck, man.

Yeah, how's the list of potential stunt cocks coming?

Oh, yeah, about that.

Just having a little trouble coming up with the names.

How many you got?

None.

Yeah, we thought that might happen, so we went ahead and made up a list for

Okay,

all right, all right.

I'll do it.

I'll sleep with Marcy. I will sleep with Marcy. But I'll tell you right now, I'm

not going to enjoy it.

Well, that'll make two of you.

That is the most horrifying thing I have ever imagined.

And no offense, but you do tend to screw everything up.

What are you talking about?

Sophomore year of high school when I took Anna Marie to the movies. You

that?

Oh,

my God.

Oh, my God!

What about that sausage factory we work at? I mean, you can't go ten feet in

there without tripping over some dong.

You know, I don't think guys at work think of Marcy in a sexual way.

Oh, God, I'd like to bone her out. Just stick it up in that shit.

Let's go, guys.

You got to move faster.

Faster.

Come on. There's got to be someone at work who's good for Marcy.

Oh, what about Ted in accounting?

We talk.

What about John from research and development?

Short.

Ooh, how about Paul from the mail room?

Isn't that guy a quadriplegic?

Paraplegic. He's still good from the waist down.

You should see him dance.

Look, I gotta plan this out right. Marcy's not just gonna fall for any

off the street.

I think this game is ended.

Let's go, guys.

We had them how we played.

Hey, Marth.

You and your breaded friend need some privacy? What?

Have you ever seen anybody butter roll before?

Sorry I'm late. I have the worst yeast infection.

It is like yogurt and cottage cheese mixed.

Uh, can I start you off with... Steak, rare, glass of your finest red.

Thanks, Tiger.

Do you know how to get cum stains out of wool?

Uh, so?

What?

So, how are things going at work?

Nothing new to report, you know, but I promise to keep you updated the moment

something arrives.

So, do you think you and Dan are, you know, gonna be able to work well

Never met a man who didn't work well below me.

Big hunk of beef.

Yep, that'd be me.

Thanks,

Tiger. And you must be the extra virgin.

Excuse me?

Cobb salad with extra virgin oil and vinegar?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry. Seriously, do you know how to get cum out?

It's like club soda or something, right?

Okay, listen, so here's what you do.

You find a guy, you coach him on Marcy's turn -on, and then he sleeps with her.

It's a piece of cake.

Where the shit have you been?

That's what we've been talking about all day.

For real?

And you told him about the cake?

Yeah, there's a game we're having.

Parker, come on.

Stretching time.

Same time next week.

Still undefeated.

You like your wife?

Not too bad.

My man.

Are you sure you're alright yet?

Is this your plan now?

gave yourself behind a plate of buffalo wings?

Actually, I was hoping to swallow one of these guys whole and choke to death.

Step out of it, man!

What happened to the take -no -prisoners guy we all fell in love with? The guy

who wouldn't back down from any challenge?

What happened to the schoolyard bully who used to give me wedgies every day

until my underwear ripped and sent me crying home to my mother and father?

I needed a good kick in the ass.

You know, I really appreciate you guys helping me out on that.

One day when I'm married, I cheat on my wife, I expect nothing less of any of

you guys.

You know it.

You married?

Mm -hmm.

You like your wife?

Mm -hmm. She getting fat yet?

Mm -hmm.

Give me a call.

Every douchebag in here is happily married.

Oh, oh, oh, my commercial.

Are you tired of lackadaisical lawyers sitting behind their cushy desk making

faulty promises?

Well, I don't even have a desk because I'm too busy to sit. I'm too busy

for you.

Hello? Hello, I'm Morris, the executioner Rodriguez, divorce lawyer,

rape your spouse.

Financially.

But don't take my word for it. Take this guy's word.

That's right, I kept it all. The house, the car, even my wife's clothes.

The executioner really took that slut to the cleaners. But don't take my word

for it. Take hers.

Why didn't I hire the executioner?

Because you're an idiot.

Don't make the same mistake. Call now.

See, I told you, you can't tell yet a tummy tuck.

Oh, so, um, you got it narrowed down to? No one yet.

But I have limited my requirements to two. What are they?

Well, first,

he can't be better than me.

Oh, come on. Who's better than you?

And he can't be from around here.

I don't want him hanging around once he's fulfilled his obligation, so to

Could be tough getting in an outsider.

This town's pretty damn small.

Everyone knows each other and all their intimate details.

Hey, Ed.

How's your herpes?

I'm pretty sure that guy has me confused with another Ed.

Dude, everyone knows you got the herpes.

God damn it!

I just realized I borrowed your bathing suit last week.

Where would I find an outsider?

A real wham -bam -thank -you -ma 'am kind of guy.

Drifter.

to Waterworld the Musical, starring the traveling actor galore, Mack McKenzie.

He knows of dry land.

I've seen his dirt.

But he's quick with a sword.

I warn you, be alert.

Something about him is off.

He's at least 20 kills.

He's hiding something, I know it.

Wait, stop him!

He's got kills!

Well, if it's a fight that you want, then a fight you shall get.

But warn you, I must.

It's a fight you'll regret.

Knock, Mackenzie. In town now at the Huckleberry Playhouse for a very limited

engagement.

I'd like to live in a water world.

I'd like that very much.

You wouldn't last ten minutes in a water world.

The smokers will eat you alive.

Ooh, I got it!

It just hit me like a bolt of thought lightning.

That actor, Mack McKenzie, he's the perfect man for the job.

You think so? No, no, that is an absolutely terrible idea.

Why?

Actors get so much vagina.

That man probably has moves Dan's never even heard of.

Yeah, and I bet he's hung like a bear, too.

Gotta have a huge cock.

Whoa, Dan, Dan.

Take a look around you at the assorted male population this town has to offer.

This is on a good night. I'm telling you.

That's the guy.

Oh, not that guy.

I've battled the best I'd fight to step above, but look into my heart,

it's just a...

Yeah. You know him?

I wish I didn't.

Now, um, I don't want to make any assumptions here, but if you had to

again, I'm not implying anything by this, but if you had to guess,

how would you say he is in bed?

Well, if I had to guess...

I'd say he has a two -inch penis, the stamina of a 70 -year -old with

and he won't be there in the morning when you wake up.

Oh, and his balls smell like pistachios.

That was a really good guess.

Really good guess.

This is the best thing that's happened all year.

Let's go!

Mariner does not wish to be disturbed at the moment.

Is this Mack McKenzie's dressing room? There is no Mr. McKenzie. There is only

Mariner.

Excuse me?

When Mr. McKenzie takes on a role, he becomes that role, and he only answers

his character's name.

Get it? Now go.

Yeah, um, I really need to see Mr.

Mc... Mariner.

It's not going to happen, so if you could please leave and never come back,

really appreciate it. Thanks.

Mariner, I need your help.

Mariner is a loner.

He helps no one save himself.

Please, you're the only one who can help me.

I need you to sleep with my wife!

She hot?

Very.

Meet me in my domicile after the show.

What do you see over there?

A lot of water.

Water everywhere.

Water over here.

Water over there.

Water everywhere.

Water over here. Water over there. Water over here. Water everywhere. Water

world. Water world.

No trees, no rocks, or need for stocks.

It's water world.

Water world.

No cows, no sheep, or birds to feed.

It's water world.

Waterworld. Well, it's Waterworld Partners. Word to Kevin. Coffee, steak,

piss. Something smells real fishy.

No need to brag and no need to vote. East coast, west coast, we ain't got no

code. Mess with the best and we'll turn you to trip toast.

Smoke a M3. I'll be the dopest MC in the world, player. And I'm the Waterworld

mayor. Mayor.

These trees and rocks, they're not meant for me.

Just look at my feet I was made for the sea

Don't leave us, Mariner This is your

fate Besides, we're short of men We need to procreate

Fresh water is

nice It's cool and crisp But on a hot summer's day I thirst

For a warm cup of tea.

Will we ever see you

again?

Anything's possible here.

In this wonderful...

Mr. McKenzie hear me? That would be impossible, seeing as how Mr.

McKenzie is not even in this room right now.

Uh, where is he?

He must first shed the skin of his character before he can get back into

skin.

Sounds like a real dedicated actor.

Mm -hmm. The man once became an ordained rabbi for a three -line part in a

student film, went to rabbinical school and everything.

Hmm.

So, where exactly does he go to do this skin -switching thing?

Dude, I don't know. What do you want from me? The guy is clearly a wacko who

thinks he's the greatest actress in sliced bread, when in reality, he really

sucks my big, sweet cherry. Hey!

Hey there, big guy.

Great job tonight.

Best performance yet.

How could it be the best performance yet? All of my performances are the

Perfect. You can't perfect perfection, especially when the object that you're

trying to perfect is already perfect.

Am I making myself perfectly clear? Get your hands off me.

Of course. I mean, that's what I meant.

We have business to discuss.

Am I talking to Mac right now?

There's nobody else here.

Good.

Now, um, the reason why I'm here is kinda...

You cheated on your wife, and you think if your wife cheats on you, you'll both

be even and I'll be forgiven.

Something like that.

Wow.

How'd you know all that? Oh, it's not important.

However, I gotta tell you, man, this plan of yours is absolute genius.

There's no way I could backfire.

Good. Good. I'm glad you feel that way.

One problem, though.

What's in it for me?

Um, how about the chance to explore a character you have yet to play?

I've played numerous characters who have been involved in adulterous activity.

But have you ever played a character...

Who was so bad in bed that the woman he was with was completely turned off from

ever having an affair again.

That's interesting.

In real life and on stage, I've always been known as the world's greatest

Now to play the opposite role, that is most intriguing.

I will have sex with your wife.

And by God, it will be the worst sex.

Could you please direct me to Marcy Jacobs' desk?

Excuse me.

Yes? I have a delivery for Marcy Jacobs.

I wasn't expecting.

Yellow roses.

You're beautiful.

The flowers, they're beautiful.

There is a note.

I didn't think a note would do adequate justice in expressing just how

infatuated with you I am.

These are from you?

You got me.

You can see that my romantic gesture has come as a very welcome surprise.

Do I know you?

No, but I fully intend on rectifying that little oversight. Shall we retire

more romantic setting to get better acquainted?

I'd appreciate it if you'd leave.

Before I leave, first let me adjust my socks.

Sluggish socks throw my entire equilibrium off balance.

Orange socks?

Yeah, orange is my favorite sock color.

Mine too.

What?

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

Rick. Rick Flair.

Rick Flair?

Rick Flair's the name of my favorite pro wrestler. Yeah, he's sort of a hero to

me.

What do you say I buy you a drink?

It's 10 .30 in the morning.

I'm an alcoholic.

Me too!

Come on, what do you say?

I don't know who you are, Ric Flair.

You're probably right.

If I were to go on with you now, I'd probably be late for my job at the

Center.

Wait, you work at the Senior Center?

I wouldn't call it work. I volunteer there every other day.

Keeps me grounded in what's really important in life.

Old people.

Do you know what I really love about old people?

The smell.

I just one drink couldn't hurt.

So?

So, I'm trying not to think about it.

Every time I do, I get nauseated.

Speaking of which, I don't have any staples. Really?

What's that hard object in your pants?

Maybe I should investigate.

Oh.

Go figure.

Daddy'd like to see you in his office.

Um, I'm a little busy right now.

Can I wait?

I'm afraid it's much too important to wait.

God damn it.

Okay.

I'll see you there.

Fuck off.

Ever since I've been working here, I haven't had a single meeting in his

I wonder what it's about.

Well, if Catherine told him about your affair, it's probably about figuring out

where he's gonna stick his tiny foot.

Dan, you throwed her up, you took her.

You've been with this company for a short time, Dan.

And in that time, you've proven yourself to be a real asset.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say here, Dan?

You lost me at for a short time, Don.

Let me see if I can put it to you in other words.

Catherine!

Yes, Daddy.

You know, I've never liked you, Dan.

And if it was up to me, I would have had you murdered a long time ago. Again,

sir, I cannot apologize enough for what happened at my bachelor party. Shut up.

This is probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to say to you.

Dan, you've been promoted.

You are now the new executive chief marketing manager of the Lower Southeast

Coast.

Sir, I... Don't know what to say.

Save it.

You just better take care of my baby girl.

Got it?

Uh, sure.

I have to run. I have to prepare for the night.

Oh, yes, your show.

Can't wait to see you in action, sir.

Oh, great.

You're going?

Bye, Daddy.

Congratulations, Don.

Thank you.

I gotta go.

Oh, and Don, you do realize as the new executive chief marketing manager of the

Lower Southeast Coast, you will have to stay late most nights.

But don't worry, Don.

I'll be here to help you out whenever things get too hard.

And by hard, I'm referring to your erect penis penetrating my vagina.

Oh! Okay.

Maybe you're not the right man for the job, Dan.

Oh, I am.

I mean, I am the right man for the job, excluding any and all kinds of sexual

relations.

I'm disappointed to hear that.

I know a couple other people that would be disappointed to hear that as well.

Catherine, what we shared the other day was great.

Probably the best death sex I've ever had, but it was a mistake.

I'm sorry if I misled you.

Don't you remember how good we were in college, Dan?

Dan!

How many times do I have to tell you? Put a trash bag in the can so I'm not

standing here with an empty bottle!

I hate it! How many fucking times do I have to tell you? How fucking hard is

What is your fucking problem?

Stop smothering me.

Oh, yeah, Dan.

Why don't you go turn off the lights and masturbate to the cure again?

I'd like that, wouldn't you? You never supported me.

And stop using my fucking makeup.

Uh, those were great times, but college is over, so...

11 a .m.

My office tomorrow. You don't show. You needn't come to work on Monday.

Or I'll tell Daddy and Marcy everything. Now leave this room, Dad.

Okay.

I'm just taking this guy so long.

Could he have got Marcy in the bed already? I thought you wanted him to get

on.

Yes. I mean, no.

I mean, I want Mac to seduce Marcy, but expect her not to jump in bed with him

on the first day.

The second day?

He's here.

Medium.

Damn it. Atomic.

Hola, amigo. How goes it? So, what happened?

Leave us.

But you... First

off, your wife is a babe.

I mean, I've had my fair share of tail, but I am definitely looking forward to

putting the hurt on that hot tamale of yours.

You like wings, do you? Yeah, bro.

You pussy.

Mild.

I can't do that.

Ed? Morris?

Strawberry daiquiri.

Lightly chilled.

Okay.

You got a problem, hombre?

First of all, I'm not your hombre, hombre.

I've seen your commercial.

Reminded me of Juan Carlos Mendoza's performance in the Spanish soap opera.

El Amor Prohibido.

Season 5.

Everyone knows El Amor Prohibido peaked in Season 3.

You blinked first.

So?

What happened with Marcy? Your wife wants my nuts.

Badly. If all goes according to plan, she will get them very soon. Hey,

kinky. You're supposed to be a horrible lay.

You know what? I won't do anything to her that I wouldn't do to my own mother.

I don't really know about that guy.

I don't know. He seemed... respectable.

Ish.

Come

on,

Mike. Open up. I gotta talk to you.

Hey. Whoa, what's up?

Going inside so we can talk. Nah, let's talk right here.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing is the matter. I just, I'm with someone.

You sly dog, who is it?

Oh, no, it's not.

Oh, is she really fat?

What? No, she's a dude.

Because?

I'm gay.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I, um... I screw dudes.

A lot of dudes.

So... What's on your mind?

Huh? Well, you said that you really wanted to talk about something when you

over. What's up?

Oh, yeah, uh...

You know, Marcy, Mac was talking.

Wings.

You really gay?

Yes.

100%. In the butt.

Very, very gay.

Pretty gay. Uh, look, dude, if the whole plan thing is really driving you that

crazy, then just, you know, forget about it, okay? And go home and come clean to

Marcy.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go.

I'll let you get back to whoever you're doing or whatever it is you're... Bye.

Is he gone?

Yeah.

Oh, I hope everything works out for him.

He deserves to be happy.

What's that in my ass?

My finger.

I love you.

What?

What is it?

Have you ever done something that you knew was wrong?

And after you did it, all you wanted was just to take it back?

What are you talking about?

It's just, I, uh... Well, I...

I

caught your father at my bachelor party.

You did what?

I sort of caught your father.

At my bachelor party.

Oh.

That's it?

Yeah.

I mean, it was an honest mistake, you see.

The boys, they got us these little people, you know, to toss.

And we'll... Two and I'm three!

Hey,

what the hell is going on in here?

I think it's pretty horrific. This gentleman takes the cake.

You should all be ashamed of yourself.

That's right. Go on. Lower those heads.

Because you know what you did was wrong.

You never toss a little person.

Feet first.

Now this is how you toss.

It's your turn, buddy.

You're up.

Oh, I don't know.

Plus, the little piece is kind of offensive, don't you think?

No!

All right, I'm convinced.

What do I do? Okay.

Grab the little guy, like so.

That idiot.

Busting a little person is like a slap in their little faces.

I know.

I feel awful about it.

So, that's all you wanted to tell me?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

So, Mara, how's work?

Work's great.

That is a shame.

We could use a good executive chief marketing manager of the Lower Southeast

Coast. That's my job.

If I work for you, everyone would think I got the job because I'm the father of

the daughter. So Dick's here.

He doesn't mind that he got the job that way. He does not care that people

snicker and point behind his back.

They do?

Looks like things are about to get underway.

Excuse me.

I hope Dad still remembers how to play.

I know.

He fits into those pants.

You know, it'd be nice if you at least pretended like you were having a good

time with me when we're out in public.

Who's pretending?

A great time.

Tiny gets rules.

Are you avoiding me?

What?

What are you talking about?

It just seems like you're going out of your way to avoid me.

You're either working until all hours of the night or stuffing your face with

wings.

What do you think? You want to come to wings with me and the boy?

Well, you can't.

No girls allowed.

I kind of wish we'd go back to the way things were before our marriage.

Well, maybe if somebody didn't get their vagina pierced. Oh, God, I'm so sick of

you rubbing my vagina in my face.

I tell you what, if I ever get a piercing, I'll give you full permission

my dick in my face.

But I would never rub your dick in your face.

But you just can't get off my vagina.

You're being such a dick right now.

Sorry, I didn't know your vagina was making me a dick.

Where are you going?

Oh, I thought I'd sleep on the couch tonight.

Oh Guess I'll see you tomorrow

needs a little advice now and then if you want her to feel dear put it in her

rear this is a lubrication oh my god little lotion for the motion

they're not gonna anal it'll change your life

Fuck me.

Rewind.

Sir Lundgren.

How dare you do it?

Mac McKenzie here.

Hello. I'm sorry. I must have the wrong number. I was trying to reach Ric Flair.

Oh, hold on for a moment.

Get the fuck out.

Marcy? Oh, it's you.

It's me, all right.

Ric Flair.

Who's Mac McKenzie?

Well, he's an astonishing actor with the body of a Roman warrior and the soul of

a saint, but that's not important right now.

What can I do for you?

Or better yet, to you, right?

Well, I was sort of wondering if you weren't too busy at the moment.

Um, you're not too busy, are you?

I was doing some last -minute packing, doll. Watching my favorite actor, Dolph

Lundgren, kick butt.

I love Dolph Lundgren!

He's probably the most underrated action star of our time!

Kind of hard for me to say.

Do you want to meet up for a drink?

Um, well, actually, I was sort of hoping we could meet somewhere a little more

intimate.

I know just the place.

This

is

it.

Blackwood's town tomorrow.

What if he leaves without seeing Marcy?

I'm clean regardless.

What are you going to do about the Catherine situation?

I don't care about her or my job. The only thing I care about right now is

making sure my wife had sex with some dude.

Ben, I like Marcy.

I think we all do.

Did you ever stop to wonder if she's really worth all this trouble?

Serious? You guys talked me into this. You said I had no choice. And we stand

that. If you really want to save your marriage, this is the only way. But

only if you really want to save your marriage. That's all Morris is asking

Did I ever tell you guys about the day Marcy saved my life?

Gentlemen, I'm about to regale you with... The greatest love story of all

I was a junior in college and Marcy was just a freshman.

I was dating Catherine at the time.

It was our anniversary and we were planning a nice romantic picnic.

I was going to bone her after the sun went down.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, Dan.

Something came up.

So I don't think I'm going to be able to meet you.

What do you mean?

What could be more important than our four -month anniversary?

Um, I got a test tomorrow in French class.

But you take Spanish.

I know.

That's why I study really hard.

But I promise to make it up to you, baby, all right? But... You think he

suspects anything?

No, he's an idiot.

Get back to work.

Looking back, I suspect Catherine was cheating on me at that very moment.

What? That's crazy.

Why would you think something like that?

And that's when I saw her.

I don't know if it was the way she wore her hair that day or the lack of oxygen

getting to my brain.

I was mesmerized.

Honey, we're heading into New Year.

I thought today's your anniversary.

Where's my sister?

Catherine couldn't make it.

But I have all this food here.

Would you care to join me?

Sure, we'd love to.

So I wound up spending my entire anniversary without my girlfriend.

And I couldn't have had a better time.

We talked.

We laughed.

We fed the old woman.

It was fate, really.

Someone upstairs knew that we were supposed to be together.

And after that glorious day, I never wanted to spend another moment without

Marcy.

Do you understand now why I have to save my marriage?

I understand.

The story was fucking beautiful.

Made me believe in true love again.

Really? No, that story was gay. Hey!

Am I not gay bashing?

Some of us find it very offensive.

Why would some of us find that very offensive?

Ike?

It's time to stop hiding.

Oh! Right. Yeah.

I'm gay. What?

Oh, yeah. Big time fact. Big time. Love, uh, taking it.

Right in the old stink there.

Yeah, love a good fudge packing.

Yeah, yeah, big time crew.

Hello?

Really, it's totally the same, you know. I mean, I fucked all my girls from

behind too, so no difference for me.

Mac? Hey, does Marcia like to be on the top or the bottom? Because she strikes

me as a be in control, I like to be on top kind of.

What the hell are you talking about?

Talking about your wife, Marcy. On her way to my motel room right now as we

speak. Room 206 at the Hi -Ho Motel is gonna be a -rockin'. I'm thinking I

even try my new move, the Mac and Two Shatter.

Not sure why I divulge so much information, but whatever.

This can't happen. Just make up an excuse and send her away.

Hey, man, I thought you were gonna be happy.

Look! I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think we should just call the

whole thing off.

You know what?

I gotta go. I gotta get into character.

Wait, no.

Back. Hello?

Hello?

Can you pull it out and wipe it off?

It's pretty much the same thing, guys.

So?

She's on her way back to Mac's motel room.

All right.

Guys, you're going to have to find another small forward.

Where's he going?

To ruin the one chance he had at saving his marriage.

Hey, dude, are you really gay?

Oh, no, no, no. I just told Dan that so he wouldn't get suspicious about me and

his mom.

I kind of lost my bag.

Oh. Hey, son. I mean, buddy.

You know, it's not as bad as it sounds.

Well, me and your mom, Mrs. Jacobs, Nancy,

we're in love.

You're boning my mom?

Yeah, I am.

So you're not gay?

No.

You're just having trouble accepting your lifestyle.

It'll blow it off my mind.

Well, that went pretty well.

Mac!

Magnum, I guess.

Am I too late?

Too late for what? I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.

Stop messing around.

Look, the reason why I came down here is because I changed my mind.

Well, that's great.

I'm very excited for you and your new decision, but, um... I don't know who

are, so I'm going to ask you to leave me alone. I'm expecting a very important

guest, so if you'll excuse me.

Look, Mac, I don't know what kind of game you're playing here.

Oh, I see the problem.

Good. You obviously have me confused with some guy named Mac. No, I get

for other people all the time.

What are you talking about? I'm not mistaking you for anybody. You are Mac

McKenzie. I asked you to sleep with my wife.

Oh, you must be Marcy's husband. Look, man, first of all, my name is Ric Flair.

Stop with the skin -switching thing. You met me a few days ago backstage at

Waterworld the musical.

Waterworld the musical?

That could actually work.

I'm sorry, but I've never seen you before.

Mac, can you hear?

Listen, look, look, look. You're upset, man. Your wife is cheating on you, and

it hurts.

I know.

I've been hurt, too.

Tennis elbow, shin split.

I can imagine that it's similar to an emotional hurt.

Is your wife on a pill because condoms just messed up my game?

You son of a bitch.

Oh,

dude.

That's a shame.

You know, a little help over here.

What's that?

Oh, that?

That's just my new pinky ring.

Yeah, I'm a pinky ring guy now.

Why, is that a problem?

No, I mean, it's fine if you want to be a pinky ring guy.

I guess it's all right.

Well, maybe if I tried it on another finger,

it would look better.

Are you?

Dear Marcy, your love is like a pile driver to a senior citizen wearing

socks. Love, Ric Flair.

Marcy? In the living room.

How was your game, babe?

Usual.

Didn't play, huh?

What happened?

It's just a sprain. Nothing serious.

Marcy, honey, we need to talk. I'm going to get a bandage. Just sit. Sit.

I think it's about time we

had a heart -to -heart.

What are you talking about?

What I'm trying to say is...

I know.

About everything.

You do?

I know you had an affair, and I don't blame you.

You don't?

No, of course not.

You were set up.

If I hadn't cheated on you to begin with, you wouldn't have been in that

situation. You cheated on me?

With who?

With Catherine.

And then Mike gave me this crazy idea that if I could get you to cheat on

My sister?

She was supposed to tell me.

She was supposed to tell you?

See, after I had my affair, I asked Catherine to sit with you.

I think you're a little confused here.

I'm the one who set you up with Mac.

Who's Mac?

Ric Flair!

I didn't sleep with Ric Flair.

So... You didn't go to Mac or Ric Flair's motel room earlier today?

Yeah, I did, but I just went for floral guidance.

I needed to know what kind of arrangement says, I'm sorry I let

my muffin. Please forgive me.

I was planning on telling you everything tonight.

I left the second he opened his robe and started swinging his thing around.

I'm really confused right now. Who cheated on who? And with whom did said

cheat with?

You slept with Catherine, and I slept with Dale.

Who the hell, Dale?

Dale. Dale was, um, the stripper at my bachelorette party.

Your bachelorette party? That was three months ago.

I know, but I was really drunk, and I thought he was you.

He had your same cologne, your same crooked penis. All right, enough. I get

Why didn't you just tell me?

I guess for the same reason that you didn't tell me.

Catherine gave me this whole thing about evening the score, so I

faked a few headaches and asked Catherine to seduce you.

So this whole time, the headaches, the crabby behavior, the piercing, it was

a charade?

Yes. Except for the piercing, which I'm actually starting to like. It's kind of

growing on me. I think I'm going to keep it.

If anything, this just proves that we're made for each other.

I mean, we both do anything to save our marriage.

Because we love each other.

You still love me, don't you, Dan?

Yeah, you like that, you dirty little girl.

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes!

What's that?

My cesarean scar from when I had Dan.

Oh, God, that's so hot. I just want to lick it.

Oh, I'm going to come. I'm going to come.

So how are things with you and what's -her -face?

Sheila?

She left me.

Wanted to settle down, start a family.

Told her I wasn't ready to commit.

Hell, I don't even like kids.

No offense.

Well, none taken.

Look at us.

A couple of bachelors in our primes.

Dan, I want to tell you a story.

It's about a semi -retarded boy with an odd handicap.

This boy was born with his head up his ass.

Interesting.

Please, continue.

So this boy, let's call him Razmadula, was

forced to go through life with his brains operating from deep inside his

cavity. Your story intrigues me.

So, uh, Rasmadula was lucky enough to find a wife.

However, one day, Rasmadula's wife made a teensy tiny mistake

and cheated on her horse's ass of a husband.

Wow.

What happened next?

Well, Rasmadula was unable to forgive his wife.

even though he himself did the very same thing.

In the end, Rasmadula divorced his wife and spent the remainder of his

years trying to figure out a way to remove his head from his backside.

This story sounds familiar.

That's because it's your story, you dumb bastard.

But you said the guy's name was Rasmadula.

That was just for story purposes.

Look, everyone knows how much you love Marcy. Now, why don't you go home and

tell her?

I can't.

It's too late.

Too late?

What's too late?

Let me tell you about too late.

That over there. You are seriously as hot as two 25 -year -olds. That's too

late. I'll never get back with your mother because it's too late for me to

love you now.

Oh, I see.

That whole story you told me, that's your story also.

You don't want me to make the same mistakes you did.

You secretly wish you could get back together with Mom.

Now I see.

You see dick.

I don't want to get back with your mother.

You don't?

Hell no. Why would I want to do that? I'm banging younger, hotter chicks now.

Get back with your mother.

That's a good one.

Get back with your mother.

Did you hear that?

I just can't even wait to get you alone. I'm going to do horrible things to you

that aren't even legal in those states.

Oh, my goodness. Seriously, we're going to violate so many laws.

Give me a call when you get tired of this one.

I need to reevaluate my friendship with him.

Inside of a different frame.

Life amounts to nothing but a lot of times.

Would you mind waiting in the car?

What the fuck?

Marcy.

Welcome to my sanctuary.

Please, sit down.

I see you brought the papers.

I kept hoping that you would change your mind.

I think this is what's bad.

I am so sorry for everything that... Marcy, the reason I asked you to

come to Wings tonight is because I realized I never invited you here in the

past.

There are a lot of things I didn't share with you.

But I was afraid to confide in you.

And as a result, you were afraid to confide in me.

No, Dan, really, it's all my fault. I...

Marcy, you cheated on me.

And I cheated on you.

I'd say that makes us about even.

I thought maybe we could try this again.

Do it right this time.

Oh, Marcy.

Will you marry me?

Again?

I love you.

I want you to come down to Roscoe's right now.

Until I love you too.

My brother loves you too.

We gotta go home.

Right now.

No,

we should wait until our wedding night.

Oh, can I? Really?

It'd be so much more special.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

Leave us.

But I... God!

I hate you!

If anyone here sees any reason why these two should not be joined in holy

matrimony, speak now or...

Mac,

they're just going around.

Who's Mac?

Right. Rabbi Greenberg, please.

Continue. Oh, I can't believe our little Dan is getting married.

Again.

I can't believe my best friend came out of the hottest pussy I've ever eaten.

You make us the bride.

Go, go.

I don't think it's physically possible for me to wait any longer.

You're going to have to.

What are you talking about?

It's sort of my time of the month.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I can't believe we're not going to have sex on both our wedding nights.

I mean, what are the odds that you would be... Dan, I'm just kidding.

Oh, you are going to get it.

You are really going to get it now.

I can do you one better.

Hi, Gil.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Won't let you know before it gets too late About a man murdered his mother,

blamed it on fate But before Locke left, there must have been some real good

crime Just let him out in two years' time Four years of schooling, one

murderer Carry on your birthday, yeah Feel

sorry to Mr. Walden, now you need a supporter

All you need is this butter.

Butter.

Butter.

Jamie Loftus killed his mother because he got jealous of her other

lover. And after that, indeed, in a murderous fit, he stole the family car

and he drove it into a ditch.

Four years of schooling, one murder.

Carry all your burdens.

Stay outside of Mr. Warden. All you need is a bottle.

Bottle.

Bottle.

July 22nd, you are the winner.

Shit. I'm just going to use that money to get a massage and one of those, what

do you call when they flip you over and they grab your joystick?

It's a happy ending.

Thanks. Yeah.

I like happy endings.