All language subtitles for the_parkers_s03e04_nobodys_fool

Hi, baby. Hi, Phoebe.

Hey, what's up with your ass, mama?

My foot's going to be up yours if you
don't watch your mouth.

No, I'm talking about the thing on your
head.

You are now looking at Lady Egyptian's
highest grossing sales associate. What?

And I thought it was just a snake.

Well,

congratulations,

Nikki. It gets even better.

Lady Egyptian is coming here next week
to shoot an infomercial, and she picked

me to be her co -host.

Mama, you're going to be a superstar.

We're going to be on H .U. Hollywood
Stories.

Hey!

Oh, co -host today, superstar tomorrow.

You know, Nicky, when you make the big
time, you're probably going to need a

manager. What?

I think I know the perfect person.

Really?

for dinner tonight?

Are you still taking me go -kart racing
afterwards?

Oh, for shady.

See,

you are so cute. I'm buff, too.

Cute and funny. I like that.

I'm so happy to be dating someone fun
and exciting.

Well, that's what a brother was created
for, to gratify and satisfy.

They mean the same thing.

Oh, I know, but... You look so fly,
baby. I had to say it twice.

Well, thanks for lunch, too. Ain't no
problem. So, I'll see you tonight? Oh.

Around six? Yeah, yeah, I'll be there
and start your engines. Vroom, vroom.

Oh, Stanley. Hey.

I didn't know you had classes today.

Well, I don't. I'm here to pick up some
paperwork. What are you doing here? Oh,

just having lunch with a friend.

Oh, great.

You have time for a cup of coffee?

Sorry, I'm on my way to a meeting.

Well, I can't wait for our own private
little meeting at La Boheme.

We'll share some coq au vin, followed by
some crème brûlée. Sounds good in that

spot? Oui, oui.

I'm so happy to be dating such a
sophisticated and suave man.

Right, right.

But, you know, they mean the same thing.

I know, but, baby, you are so sexy, I
just had to say it twice.

Well, all righty, then.

I'm Stevie Van Lowe, manager slash agent
to Nikki Parker. Nice to meet you.

Look, we are going to need a case of
aloe vera, a dressing room, a silent,

flowers, and a half gallon of Chunky
Monkey ice cream or we walk.

Uh, walk with.

Let me handle this. You're the talent.
I'm the mouthpiece.

Stevie, go sit your mouth down and look
cute.

Like I'm gonna do.

Nikki Parker? Yes.

Tim Murphy, please follow me. Lady
Egyptian's expecting you. This is like a

dream come true. I cannot believe I'm
meeting the Lady Egyptian. Well, if you

don't hurry, you won't.

Lady... What?

Your co -host is here. Oh, Nadine
Porters.

I've heard so much about you. It's Nikki
Parker.

Really? You look like a Nadine.

I am so glad to meet you. I mean, you
are such an inspiration.

I'm a business major, and, you know, I'm
selling your products, and it has just

changed my life. I'm sure it has, honey.
I'm sure it has.

Lady E, I would like for you to meet my
daughter.

You can call me Kim, Your Highness.

And Stevie Van Lowe, her manager slash
agent. Class sit.

Lady E, which is to eat.

But, Nadine, it's so much easier for me
to remember.

Now, just relax and be natural, like me.

Can someone touch up my makeup? I'm
melting!

Ah, thank you. Go.

Would you ladies like a snack?

Oh, my favorite.

Fried chicken fingers, fried onion
rings, french fries.

Why don't you just get a can of Crisco
and three straws?

because you were a vegetarian.

Oh, I am. When there's no meat around.

You really look great, Lady E. What's
your secret?

Oh, it's no secret, baby. She uses Lady
Egyptian products.

Good answer, Nadine. But not even my
products can make me look this gorgeous.

mean, look at me. I'm stunning.

Well, you probably have a good exercise
and diet program.

Oh, that's for poor people.

I've got a great Beverly Hills plastic
Plastic surgeon.

Plastic surgery?

Are you saying that your products have
done nothing for you? Au contraire. They

paid for the plastic surgery.

What?

One of the models canceled.

What? Oh, I've got a show to do today.
Find me someone else.

You.

Hi, Stevie Van Lowe again.

Yes, Tim's manager slash agent. Is she
getting a dressing room?

No. Wardrobe approval?

No. Is she getting paint?

No. Who cares? I'm going to be on TV.

I'm still taking 10%. Tim can't do this.
She doesn't use the products. Yes, I

do.

I use this lotion every morning.

Uh, Tim, baby, that's shampoo.

Oh, picky, picky. She's got hair on her
arms. Come on, let's get the show on the

road.

What's up, T?

I haven't seen you around lately.

I've been hanging out with my girl.
She's off to his old shizzle.

I know what you mean, man. This woman
that I've been seeing is the bomb

Man, you just hipper than him.

Can I call you out?

Man,

she is such a classy woman. I just wish
I could take her someplace nice and

quiet where I can impress her. You know,
a nice place with a...

Kitchen and real furniture.

A view of the ocean from, say, Santa
Monica. Yeah,

some place like mine. Yeah.

Good luck.

All right, all right, man. You can use
my place.

Real good looking out, Brad.

Nah, man. I remember back in the day
when I was a young cat, I had this funky

pad and all the chicks be chasing me.
Oh, man, I gotta go. Good looking out,

Brad.

I was just trying to school you on that.

Okay, Samantha, why don't we start with
you demonstrating the facial mask?

No. The lifetime I use that, I was
rushed to the emergency room.

Skin grafts are no joke.

Come on, we paid all your doctor bills.
And you're healing nicely, I might add.

Any volunteers?

Me, I love skin grafts.

Welcome, everyone.

I'm Lady Egyptian, the renowned founder,
creator, CEO, and spiritual leader of

Lady Egyptian Products.

You know, people come up to me all the
time admiring my youthful beauty. And

they ask, how can I look like you? And I
tell them, you can't.

dangerously close.

Come, come.

Nikki, don't do that. The camera picks
up on everything.

It definitely picked up BS.

And action.

I'm sitting here today with one of our
top sales associates, Nadine Portley.

And joining us are some of our most
satisfied customers.

We have...

Samantha Evans, a 42 -year -old
housewife from Downey.

And Kate Mulligan, the mother of Seth
Toplett.

And a 38 -year -old housewife

from New Jersey, Mrs. Brenda Watkins.

Brenda, tell us your story.

Brenda.

Oh, right, I'm Brenda.

Before I started using Lady Egyptian, my
husband was about to leave me. I

couldn't have kids, and the bank
repossessed my cord.

Tell it, girl.

But since I started using Lady Egyptian
eye cream, my husband can't keep his

hands off me. I'm popping out kids like
a rabbit. And the repo man brought my

cord back with some new rims.

Satisfied customer.

Right, Nadine?

It's Nikki.

Nikki,

we've already established you as Nadine
Portley. Now pay attention.

And action.

So, Nadine, tell us your story.

Okay.

I've been the top sales associate at
Lady Egyptian for the past ten years.

And in all those years, I've worn my ass
proudly.

But today, I'd like to say that this is
all a crock of bull.

Cut!

Have you lost your fucking mind now?

But you are a fraud!

You don't even use your own products!

And you have plastic surgery, and you
pay people to lie for you.

No, Mama, I'm lying for free.

I am not lying. It's called marketing.
Read my book.

In all those years, I've looked up to
you.

I've admired you. Hell, I even wanted to
be like you. But now I've realized

you're not fit to wear the app.

You are nothing but a money -grubbing
bitchy hustler. Woo!

You forgot to mention rich!

thing that could have ever happened to
me. When I'm done, I'm going to run that

phony Lady E out of business.

Good for you.

Now, aren't you glad I never bought any
Lady E products from you?

Now, if I can just remember Great
-Grandma Hattie's recipe for facials, is

two cups of oatmeal or two cups of
baking soda?

Well, if it's your great -grandmother,
it's probably two cups of bootleg Alizé.

Now, you know, Andell, it's not too late
to get in on the ground floor.

Let's see. I got in on the ground floor
in your dang mama t -shirts and ended up

in the basement.

And then it was that time... Okay, fine.

Suit yourself.

Now, I have an investor coming over
tonight anyway.

I don't need your help, Ann Dowd. Well,
good.

Mm -hmm.

Hey, baby. Hey. Where you off to?

Oh, I'm auditioning for another
infomercial. The Bootylicious Butt

don't think they ready for this jelly.
Ow, ow, ow.

Hello, how are you? Thank you, Ms.
Stiles, for coming by. Well, after I

your brochure at my office, at my home,
and on my car, I got myself... Now, this

woman has tenacity.

Not only that, I never give up.

Now, let's just dive right in.

Now, I know this is supposed to be a
money meeting, but I want to give you a

chance to feel how incredible my
products are. How about a facial? Oh,

wasn't prepared for this. Don't worry,
girl, I'll be very neat. No, no, I...

Come on, you just... Now...

We use all natural ingredients in our
revitalizing facial mask.

So be prepared for the experience of a
lifetime.

Oh, it smells great. Thank you. Our
facial mask was created to detoxify the

and clear out any embedded dirt.

You know what it is?

Refreshing. Yes. And it tightens and
tones the skin to give you a smoother,

radiant complexion.

Now, you just come right over here.

Sit back, relax, and let the mask work
its magic.

Relax.

Why'd you get such great taste in
decorating?

Oh, it came like this.

Mmm, that food smells delicious.

I didn't know you knew how to cook tea.
Oh, don't let the hard exterior fool

you. Brother has layers.

Yes, he does.

Where's the powder room? I like to
freshen up. Oh, uh, right there around

corner.

got some very important papers. Man,
hurry up. You're going to blow my cover.

Hey, is that your Rogaine in the
bathroom?

Oh, nah, nah. It must be the maze or
something.

What was that? Uh, ants.

Uh, let's go out into the balcony. It's
beautiful outside.

Well, can we, uh... Come on, let me show
you the view.

like to be extra special.

Oh, it already is.

Denise?

Stan?

You two know each other? Yeah. What are
you doing here?

Having dinner.

Gee, this is my girl. What girl are you
talking about?

That girl.

My girl?

First of all, I'm a woman. And second, I
don't belong to either one of you. No

one's asked me to be exclusive.

Man, I don't believe this.

Pulling the same woman as you?

This is ridiculous. Now, you need to
make a choice. Yeah.

Okay.

I choose you both.

No.

No, it's either him or me.

Well, I wish we could have worked
something out because I really like both

you.

Can you believe her?

No.

Man, I say we forget Denise ever
existed.

Who? Yeah.

Oh, what's her name? Be the one of us.
Man, no woman can come between frat

brothers. Yeah, man, we're dogs.

Homies.

What am I going to do, Andal?

I have no job, no product, and I got
bills to pay.

Just be glad that investor lady isn't
suing you.

She chipped my coffee table.

If I could figure out just what went
wrong.

Worry about that later.

Come on, let's go to that new Mexican
soul food place.

Nacho Mamas?

Yeah, my treat. Okay.

You know I like that.

Hey, boo.

Hey, Mama. And Dale.

Hi, Kim. How did your audition go?

Not so good.

After one squeeze of that butt blast...

See you later, boo. Bye.

Oh.

Mmm.

Tart, yet sweet.

I like it.

I know.

Thanks, Angel.

Girl, that hit the spot.

Yeah.

thought that a chitlin burrito could be
so tasty.

Hey, baby.

Hey. Oh, what's not so good?

Your oatmeal cookie.

What oatmeal cookie?

From the dough in the refrigerator.

Uh, Kim, baby, that wasn't cookie dough.

That was my facial mask.

These are the best cookies I've ever
tasted.

They are delicious.

You should forget about cosmetics. This
is what you need to be selling.

I guess I could if I had an investor.

Oh, are you asking?

Are you offering?

Oh, this is a great idea.

I can see it now.

Kimmy's Cookies.

Cookies with a K.

Hey, Professor, you heard from Denise?

Oh, no, man. I don't care if I ever hear
from her again.

That's right, man. We too good for her.
Sure you right, my brother.

Hello?

Hey, Denise.

We still on for the night?

Of course we are.

Seven sharp.

Hold on, okay? All right.

Hello?

Hey, Janice, how you doing?

I'm fine. How are you?

Cool. I'm going to see you at the club
tonight.

I'll be there by midnight.

Bye. Bye.

Sorry about that, Stanley.

I'll see you later, okay? All right. Bye
-bye. Bye.

Poor P.

Kid didn't stay in the chair.

How do you always manage to do that?

What?

I'm infected.

That's a lie.