Original subtitles

That's not funny.

Hey, who are you?

I'm a messenger. I've got a message here from Benny Brillstein, the Yiddish

yodeler.

That's tonight's guest star.

It says, oh, no, I'm not, and you can't make me.

But this is terrible.

What do we do for a guest star?

No one here but me and this turkey.

Listen, what's your name?

Langham. Chris Langham.

You want a job?

I don't believe it. He's going to book the turkey.

I don't know. Will it take very long?

Listen, I'll have you out of here in half an hour.

How about that? A star is hatched.

It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Chris Langham.

come here, I guess we'll never know.

It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show.

Our special guest star is that brilliant British... Just a second.

Quick, Chris, what do you do? What have you got?

Well, how about being a comedian? You know, being funny, telling jokes?

I know one. I know one. Oh, good.

Our guest star is that brilliant British comedian, Mr. Chris Langham.

Where do I start?

Well, you can start right here. You can introduce the opening number.

Oh.

Well, here it is, the opening number.

This is really easy.

You know, Robin, if you're ever in a jam, here I am.

If you're ever in a mess, S .O .S.

Well, if you ever feel so happy you land in jail, I'm your bail.

It's friendship, friendship,

just the perfect friendship.

When all our friendships have been forgot, ours will still be hot. A -la

-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da

-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da

-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da

-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da

-da -da -da -da -da -da -da There's a friend of yours down here who wants to

you. I'll be right down.

If you ever rub a tree, phone to me.

If you ever eat down a well, ring my bell.

If you ever lose your teeth and you're out to dine, borrow mine.

It's friendship, friendship.

If they ever black your eyes, put me wise.

If they ever cook your goose, turn me loose.

If you're ever in the boat and get lost at sea, write to me.

It's Bridget, Bridget.

What's that?

Oh, it doesn't sound good.

We'll meet again.

Don't know where. Don't know when.

Oh, I dare frogs.

Hey, Slimy, you seen any whales?

Okay, whales are scarcer than hen seats these days, thanks to you guys.

Yeah, give them a break.

Not a chance.

Sometimes you gotta stand up for your friends.

It's friendship, friendship.

Just a perfect friendship.

When other friendships are up the creek.

Do you know how whales cry?

No, how do they cry?

Blubber, blubber, blubber. Blubber, blubber, blubber.

Blubber, blubber, blubber.

How did it look, Scooter? Oh, terrific, Kermit. It was a whale of a number.

Not for us.

Oh, okay.

What's on now?

Oh, Melissa and her magnetic moose.

Magnetic moose, huh? Did you warn the people in the front row about their

fillings?

Well, yeah.

Oh, good. Well, tell Chris Langham he's on next.

The messenger?

He's not a messenger anymore. He's a guest star, and he's up in his room

together an act.

Oh, right.

What's he doing, trying on lampshades?

Listen, Floyd, be nice to Chris. He's very nervous. Show business is a big

unknown to him. It's just a freak thing he's here, so be kind.

Okay, so when do we see this nervous unknown freak?

Sorry.

Hey, how'd it go, Melissa?

Oh, you know, mostly wristwatches and cockies.

We'll return them later.

Yeah, track's all metal, huh? Great act.

Not during hunting season.

Ladies and gentlemen, sometimes a performer comes along who needs no

introduction. This is not one of those times.

I mean, what can I tell you? This guy's a great guy. He's a hard worker. He's a

good messenger. And here he is to do whatever he's going to do. Ladies and

gentlemen, Chris Langham!

And now the moment you've all been waiting

for.

And there it goes.

Now, you've come about the... About

the show.

That's right. You've come to see the show.

Well, this is the show.

Here, you see?

Oh, and a bit over there as well.

I'm sorry, I'll get out of your way.

It is good, isn't it?

Watching the show.

And while you watch the show, I've got a little Scottish item that I'm going to

do. So I'll get straight on with... And with the help of these elastic knee

-trembling devices here... Oh, actually, I shouldn't just throw them down on the

floor. I ought to use a little respect because they were given to me by my

father just after he had his legs taken in.

And now, sensation seekers, my impression of autumn in Scotland.

I thank you.

But what's this?

Peanuts.

How kind of them to pay me in advance.

Now, I must ask for complete silence during the next section, as it could be

extremely dangerous.

Look, I'm only prepared to take this seriously if you are.

The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can all go home, all right?

Who do you know that the peanut is one of the world's richest sources of

protein? Oh, well, Chris Langham will be glad. At least he'll die healthy.

Chris,

are you okay?

Huh? Hey, don't worry about it, kid. There's a tough audience out there.

Hey, listen.

I had that audience right there.

Hey, Kermit, this guy wants to talk to you about the magnetic moose. Yeah, I

want my watch back.

Where is the magnetic moose? Oh, in the canteen.

You let the magnetic moose in the canteen?

Well,

now for this Muppet News flash.

Stars fell on Alabama last night.

But the weather bureau said it was a freak storm and would never...

Mr. Langham, I would like to suggest a more cultural approach to your act.

What are you doing?

I'm zen skiing.

Zen skiing.

I could have broken my leg.

Oh, forgive me. I've always had the greatest respect for other people's

beliefs. Crackpot beliefs?

We believe in fondue.

Fondue.

Do you believe in fondue, too?

Well, I know it exists.

Of course you do. When you look deep within your heart, you know that you'll

find melted cheese.

I hope you're not going to do this sort of thing in your act.

I have here in my hand this uncut pack of sausages. I shall now cut the pack

once and shuffle the sausages.

as you can now see, thoroughly shuffled.

Can you all see this?

Now, please, sir, pick one sausage, any sausage, from this pack of shuffled

sausages in my hand, scrutinize it with an intense scroot, and then please

memorize that sausage, if you would.

Have you committed that sausage to memory?

Then pop it back into my hand along with the rest of the pack.

I will once again shuffle these sausages in a completely random and arbitrary

order, and paper, and lo and behold, eight, seven, six, five, four,

three, two, and this is your sausage, is it not?

Maybe

it's

because I'm a Londoner that I love.

Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner that I think of her

wherever I go.

I get a funny feeling inside of me just walking up

and down.

Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner.

everybody's cup of tea.

Often you hear foreigners complain.

Why is a smoky city a theme to me?

There's magic in the fog and the rain.

Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner that I

love London so.

I'm a Londoner, but I think of her wherever I go. Oh, yeah.

I get a funny feeling inside of me, just walking up and

down. You'll come back.

Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner that I love London

town.

Okay, and now, ladies and gentlemen, here is that fabulous young ex

Chris Langham, explaining his new invention.

Hello. This is what I'm working on at the moment.

It's a time travel apparatus.

Excuse me. If all my calculations are correct, All I have to do is pull this

little lever here, and I go travelling backwards through time.

Time through backwards travelling go I, and here, lever little, this pull is to

do. Have I all correct?

My if. Me, excuse me.

Apparatus travel timer. It's moment the atom working. I'm what is this? Hello.

That's the worst act I've ever seen on this show.

Yes, and we just saw it twice. No!

A

year

ago last Thursday, I was strolling in the zoo when I met a man who thought he

knew the law.

He was laying down the law about the habits of baboons.

and the number of quills a porcupine has got.

I asked him, what's that creature there? He answered, it's a hulk. I might have

gone on thinking that was true.

If the animal in question hadn't put that chap to shame and

remarked, I ain't a hulk, I'm a canoe.

I'm a canoe.

I'm a canoe.

The nicest work of nature.

I'm a canoe.

How do you do?

You really ought to canoe.

Wahoo, wahoo.

I'm a canoe.

Spelled G -N -U.

I'm not a camel or a kangaroo.

So let me introduce.

I'm the man of moose. Oh, canoe, canoe, canoe. I'm a canoe.

I had taken finished lodgings down at Roslington -on -Sea, whence I travelled

to Ashton -under -Lyme.

And the second night I stayed there, I was wakened from a dream, which I'll

you all about some other time.

Among the hunting trophies on the wall above my bed, stuffed and mounted was a

face I thought I knew.

A bison?

An okapi?

Could it be...

A hearty bit.

Then I seem to hear a voice.

I'm a canoe.

I'm a canoe.

A another canoe.

I wish I could ganache my teeth at you.

I'm a canoe.

How do you do?

You really ought to canoe, wahoo's wahoo.

I'm a canoe.

Spell G -N -U.

Call me Bison or a copy, and I'll sue.

G 'nor am I in the least, like that dreadful hearty beast.

Oh, g 'nor, g 'nor, g 'nor.

I'm a g 'nor.

G 'nor, g 'nor, g 'nor.

I'm a g 'nor.

G 'nor, g 'nor, g 'nor.

I'm a g 'nor.

Well,

mate. Look, can I do my impression of an owl for you?

Well, sure, Chris, go ahead.

I think you're going to enjoy this.

It is good.

It just takes just a second to get into it, and then...

It's all just the sort of stuff you can do at home, you know.

but, you know, we have had lots of people do bird impressions.

Yes.

Dead owl.

Nobody's done that before.

It's a triumph.

Well, if you ever think about it, there are these strange pauses in this show

when nothing happens on stage.

Let's not think about it.

Mr. Lamb!

Won't you come in?

Let me worship at your feet.

All right.

Fine, fine.

Pedal eyes.

Come on, Mr. Langham. The dead owl sketch was the Sistine Chapel of

acts.

Well, I got the idea from an uncle of mine. He was in show business, actually.

He had a fantastic escape artist trick.

Oh, what did he do? What did he do? Well, his assistant would chain him up

old box with huge padlocks and then...

From inside, he'd shout, um, hoopla, and he'd just be sort of standing in front

of you.

How did he do it?

Well, it was so easy. It was ridiculous. I can show you. Of course, I don't have

the chains and padlocks here, so it's going to look even easier than it really

is, but you will get the general idea, all right?

Don't worry, I'm a professional.

Are you ready?

Yes!

Okay.

book this turkey.

Listen, I'll tell you later.

Chris, don't worry. We'll just cancel a final number.

Cancel? But why?

How can you perform in that wardrobe?

No trouble.

The show must go on.

Well, Kermit isn't here right now, so I guess I get to do the introduction.

Here once again, our British guest star is an Hawaiian cowboy.

Don't look at me. I didn't book them.

Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Langer.

A goopy, a goopy golem, howay, ow, hey, a barley, ow, a dipper, and a hollery, a

poo, and an yuck, a mawi.

Aloha, Hawaiian cowboy.

Memes, I love you, Hawaiian cowboy.

Yes,

I'm heading for the land round.

Everybody sing.

Why not?

You have to be nuts to sing Hawaiian Cowboy.

Well,

we've had a terrific evening here on the Muppet Show, and it's all thanks...

special surprise guest, that messenger turned superstar, Mr. Chris Langham.

You

know, there's

one thing that you didn't ask me, whether or not I have an electronic

No, I didn't.

All right. Yes, I have.

It's a masterpiece of modern microelectronics. A little amplification

here with a radio microphone all tucked up. I don't know. Can you see the scar?

Uh, yeah.

Plus, he told me you wouldn't be able to see the scar.

Uh, relax, Chris. Sorry.

No, I've had a great time. I'm sorry. I've enjoyed it from the first moment E

-Nuts popped head until the last oat of I'm Cowboy. I had a wonderful time.

Are you okay? Oh, eating out.

All right. All right.

Audio, microphone.

Hang on. Some problems with the... We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show.

It's a classic show business story. Chris Langham walked into this theater a

nobody. And he's walking out a has -been.