Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson. Let me tell you a little bit about how we train to perform

the Muppets.

It's kind of an interesting process because what we do is we watch a monitor

that shows us what the camera's seeing, and we reach up and we work the puppet

with our other hand.

And it's a complicated process, but the idea is that you're meant

to look into the monitor and bring to life that character and be the audience

and the audience's point of view.

We are trying to put on a classy show here.

You can't treat me like that. I'll stick my pet barracuda on you. Get her,

Kevin.

Of course, it's real difficult because when the character turns to the right,

the camera sees it turning to the left, which means you always have to think

backwards. Of course, it's The Muppets, so thinking backwards comes naturally.

Here's The Muppet Show.

Wake up! The British are coming! The British are coming!

Who are you?

I'm Marty Feldman. I'm British. I'm coming.

Can I bring Loretta in?

Oh, sure.

Is she your wife?

Well, give us a chance. We've hardly met.

Come on, little... Just a moment.

Calm it, Santa, for me.

Oh, yes.

Have any trouble?

Well, yes. You see, I forgot these things run on water.

So, uh...

I had to fill that with petrol.

That's terrible.

It's the Muppet Show with our very

special guest star, Marty Feldman.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know.

It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, Muppetational, please big one, we call our Muppet Show!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and thank you! And welcome again to the

Muppet Show, where we're going to devote the entire evening to the Arabian

Nights!

special treat, our guest star, ladies and gentlemen, is the ever -popular

Feldman.

Yes. And so, without further ado, let the story begin.

Once upon a time, there was an evil caliph who had a thousand wives.

Every night he would ask one of his wives to tell him a bedtime story.

If he didn't like the story, he would chop off her head.

One night, a beautiful princess named Scheherazade came to his harem.

I am the beautiful princess Scheherazade.

It's a fantasy. I mean, you've got to use your imagination.

Oh, mighty Caliph, I dance attendance upon your every whim.

Would you like me to shake you about a bit?

Or would you prefer a bedtime story?

Could I have that again?

A bedtime story?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I suppose you want the usual trashy three bears or something like that? No,

no, no.

All

right.

It's going to be a long Arabian night, folks.

Once upon a time, Zimba the Virgin and his crew sailed to an island far,

far, far away into another set.

Aha! This cave, men, contains the treasure of King Solomon.

Gosh, Captain Zimba, I'm scared. What if there's an evil genie guarding the

treasure? Don't be silly. There's no such thing as evil genies.

I'm going to eat you up. No, no, no, no, you can't do that. You'd be making a

big mistake because us frogs taste terrible.

Even with lots of ketchup?

Even with lots of ketchup, right, men?

Have I ever been accused of good taste, men?

See? You're lucky I got no ketchup.

No,

you see, this all happened a thousand years ago. It's too late.

I mean, it looks very good.

Very good.

1965,

I mean, that was a very good year for Smilato.

Cheers.

Hmm.

You'll be titillated by its presumption, but a little angry at its arrogance.

Can we get on with it?

If you feel you absolutely have to, yes.

Hey, listen,

why are you guarding this treasure anyway?

Well, you see, there's this guy, Sinbad the Sailor.

Yeah, well, anyway, he goes around stealing treasure.

What's your name, anyway?

Uh, well, it's, uh, Sinbad. What? But it's not Sinbad the Sailor. It's Sinbad

the Surfer.

Sinbad the Surfer?

You expect me to believe that?

Sure. Hit it, guys.

If everybody had an ocean across the USA, then everybody'd be

surfing.

Bye, Bushy, Bushy, Blondie.

Surfing USA.

You can't just surf in and out. Inside, outside, USA.

In a cruise and travel. Inside, outside, USA. I'll tell you where I'll find.

Inside, outside, USA. All over Manhattan.

Inside, outside, USA. And down the highway.

Inside, outside.

Everybody's going surfing.

Surfing USA.

I don't think that was sin bad. No, but it was certainly sung bad.

Terrific number, guys. Oh, thank you.

Hang ten.

Pardon?

Surfing expression.

Not the frogs. Frogs don't have ten toes. We got flippers.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hang two.

Marty. Hey, listen. Can you tell us about this next story? Because I need to

know for props and casting.

Yeah, well, it's very simple. All you need is a magic lamp and someone to play

the part of Aladdin.

Oh, Aladdin.

Oh, I love it. I love it. What's the name of the story?

It's, uh, he would show.

Mm -hmm.

It's called, uh, Goldilocks and the Four Bears.

Four? No, no, no, no, it's one bear too many.

Exactly.

Oh.

I get it.

Sorry, Fozzie.

I know it's tough on him now, but the audience will thank me later on.

Well, who's playing the part of Aladdin?

Easy part.

All you have to do is rub the lamp, make a few wishes.

How about me?

Well, he could certainly lose a few wishes.

Excuse me, I've got to get back on stage.

Wasn't that sensational?

Wasn't that great?

That was the best story ever.

I've got a better one.

Much better one.

How about Aladdin and his magic lamp?

Aladdin and his magic lamp. Aladdin and his magic lamp.

Once upon a time, there was a lad called... There was a lad called

And he had a magic lamp.

It tells him one night, so I have to put this one...

Wow! What

a terrific lamp!

I'll bet with a little polish I could resell it for mucho dinero!

I'm rubbing the light...

myself a wish you won't see him again.

Now, Aladdin, young master, what is your first wish?

How about a nose job?

Of course not. I want to become a sultan with a harem of dancing girls.

They're not as weird as I thought.

Very special dancing girls.

I

take

it back.

They're even weirder.

If it be so, then so be it.

One fine day I chanced to stray down the little side street in old Bombay and

met a sentimental oriental.

She saw me and I saw she had a manner too bold and much too free. Her eyes

positively detrimental.

When I asked about this gay coquette, I discovered much to my regret.

She's the girlfriend of the whirling dervish.

She's the sweetest one he has.

But every night in the middle of moonlight, when he's out dervishing with

his might, she gives him the runaround.

All the boyfriends of the whirling dervish are his best friends to

his face.

But there's no doubt when he isn't about, They all come hurrying to take

out. She leaves him at the end of the day.

He dreams of a Hindu Hanukkah. He doesn't dream that every night

when he goes out to make a thousand fish. He steps out to make a lot of

wookiees.

The love song of the whirling dervish has a sweet and tender

sound.

If he ever should learn, that's why he's doing her a real good turn. I give him

the run around.

She's got the nervous, throwing him a curvish. Reach, of course, he doesn't

deserve it. Far, far away.

What's that?

Made me dizzy. How about you?

Oh, Kermit, I am so pleased.

We finally have a distinguished British guest artiste on the show.

What was that?

Oh, that was our distinguished British guest artiste. Hey, Marty!

Come in and say hello to Sam Eagle here. How do you do? Don't touch me.

Sam, now Marty's doing a great job with the Arabian Nights stories.

The Arabian Nights? Oh, well, yes, the passion, the poetry.

Well, the...

Poetry, at any rate.

I'm glad you like the Arabian Nights, because we're in the next one together.

Look, not I. I do not perform.

You see this sax?

I'm appealing to you.

Sax appeal.

Oh,

it's humiliating for an artist. My stature's been changed.

All right.

As long as it's cultural.

What is this Arabian Nights story?

The Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk.

That's provocative prose.

And now another exciting story.

The Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk.

The Reed Brothers at Kitty Hoop. That's even better, yes.

Hang on, guys, please.

Our scene changes to a pageant office at the turn of the century.

A patent office at the turn of the century.

Behind the desk, this is the desk, sits the stooge.

Ah, that'll be him.

No, the stooge is you.

Bang, bang, thud, wallop, knock, knock, knock, thud, kick, out.

to patent an invention.

Certainly. Chair?

The chair?

The chair's already been invented. You have one, look. In perfect working

You get on with it.

I have invented the flying carpet.

Under whose name is this invention to be patented?

Wilbur and Orville Wright.

Which one are you?

That is me.

You are Wilbur and Orville Wright? Exactly.

You see, my mother wanted twins.

Identical ones.

That's why I look so alike.

Ah, Mr. Wright.

Messers, if you don't mind. Messers. You call me Wilbur. All right, Wilbur. And

Orville.

This invention of yours had better be good.

Just feast your eyes upon this.

That is an aeroplane.

Of course it is.

Well, where is the flying carpet?

Inside the aeroplane on the floor.

What is the point of that?

You may scoff now, but someday people will be able to pick up one of these and

speak to someone on the other side of the Atlantic.

This is not police.

You're both under arrest.

Why me?

No, no, not you.

Just these two.

Wilbur and Arnold Wright.

I arrest you for fraud.

And I cite as an example elastic waisted underpants.

Patented by you under the description the internal combustion engine.

I'll get it.

Hello.

It's for you, darling.

Uh, hello?

This is getting completely out of hand. Get me the real police number.

Real police number on stage immediately.

Oh, when coming round the corner, I heard somebody say, here comes the fat

policeman. Look, here he comes this way. His laughter is so jolly. He's just a

great big clown.

And everybody says he is the happiest man in town.

Terrific story, eh?

Yeah,

I hated it too.

Actually, I've been saving the best one for last.

Yes.

Ali Baba.

Ali Boo Boo. Ali Boo Boo.

Yes, I knew you'd like that.

Ali Boo Boo and the Four Thieves, yes.

The Four Thieves. Four Thieves.

Ah, well, there was a... Supposed to be 40 thieves, but Kermit told me that they

had budget problems.

He said they'd spent all the money hiring this costume from Bette Midler.

I mean, Marty, one of your thieves went home sick.

Oh, terrific.

Marvellous. Really wonderful.

All right.

Alibaba and the three thieves.

I dare do this to Liza Minnelli.

Once, long ago, there lived a poor but honest woodcutter named Alibaba.

He was known as the most handsome lad in all the world.

Yeah, you are my kind of narrator, Feldman.

Thank you.

And one day, while Alibaba was in the forest, something strange was heard

approaching. Oh, oh, we did it. Hi.

Ah, this was our fall off face.

And so they hid, which was just as well, because suddenly out of the forest

came... The three bears.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Come on, guys.

Hey, you are not thieves.

No, we're bears.

Does this mean we're going to have to listen to a lot of dumb porridge jokes?

What porridge?

We are looking for a straw house.

No, no, that's the three pigs.

Pigs? You want us to be pigs?

You just said you wanted us to be thieves.

Yeah, thieves, thieves, big tough thieves. Big tough thieves. All right,

go back, guys. Cue us again.

All right, we'll start over.

Alibaba.

What's wrong?

Nothing, we forgot you were there.

Sorry.

One day, while he was in the forest, something strange was heard approaching.

Oh, we better hide.

The first woods are full of thieves.

Dum -da -dum -dum.

Hey, ha -ha -ha -ha. All right, thieves, that was some swell jewel heist we just

pulled off, eh?

You betcha, big boys.

Therefore, we will now retire to our hideout cave and count the loot.

Open sesame.

This story is a mess.

It couldn't get worse.

Hi, I'm Goldilocks. You guys seen my bears?

It just got worse.

Hey, Kermit, Kermit, anybody?

Hey, it's going great out there.

Hey, Foxy, who are you talking to? Well, I'm trying to find Kermit. Where is

everybody? Oh, everybody's outside in the alley. We're heating up the oil for

Alibaba. Oh?

Well, why do we need the hot oil?

Because the thieves get...

Look, damn it.

The thieves get cooked in it?

Yep.

Um, when does this happen?

Um, just before the closing number. Uh -huh. Well, there's only one thing to

Ah!

Okay, hit it, boys. This is the closing number.

When you hear the bell ringing.

Now we need more people, a bigger finale.

All right, open Sesame.

All right, one more.

Sesame! Okay

everybody,

let's go to Marty!

Thank you.

the good parts. Was our guest star the master of nuttiness? Are you changed

Yes, but I think I'll recover.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Marty Feldman! Yay!

Get here for us!

Yes!

Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, thank you. The big thing on this show for me has

been meeting my favorite Muppet. Oh, thank you.

I don't know what there is about him, but there's something.

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

How should we know how to get to Sesame Street?

We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box.