Original subtitles

Bill? Bill who?

Bill Collector?

Never heard of him.

Hi, good evening.

Hi, who are you?

I'm Hal Linden. I'm tonight's guest.

Hal Linden.

Hey, aren't you a cop?

No, no. I play a cop on TV. Barney Miller.

Soon as you said the name, hit me like a ton of bricks.

What name?

Barney Miller.

Nice bit of visual comedy you got there.

Don't let it go to your head, huh?

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know.

It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, motivational, this is what we call the Muppet Show!

Hey there, and welcome to the Muppet Show!

So, this is what it's like up here, huh?

Hi!

Ladies and gentlemen, Statler and Waldorf, the two old gentlemen who

up here, have... Died.

Ozzie, they have not.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Statler and Waldorf have been telling me for years that they could put on a

better show than I could. Yeah.

So tonight they're getting their chance.

That's right.

They're going to be down there hosting the show, and we are going to be up here

watching them.

Right. Ha ha.

But before I turn the show over to him, I'd just like to say that our special

guest tonight is that very talented star of Broadway and TV's Barney Miller, Mr.

Hal Linden.

He's very good.

Yeah. Right. So without further ado, here they are, your hosts for tonight,

Statler and Waldorf.

Oh, no.

Thank you for that introduction. It was very long.

Yes, and that's the trouble with this show. Everything moves too slow.

Uh, excuse me, uh... Hey, it's our good star, Hal Lenders!

Yay!

Excuse me, I didn't mean to bother you. I'm looking for Kermit.

Yes, well, you see, we're hosting the show tonight. He's up there.

Oh, hi, Kermit.

Hi, Hal. You're in good hands down there. I'm just gonna sit up here and

Hey, Kermit, how come he didn't say hello to me?

Hey, Hal, hi, it's me.

Oh, hi, Ralph.

Ralph, I'm not Ralph.

Oh.

Isn't that the dog that plays the piano?

No, no, that's the bear that tells bad jokes and dies on stage.

Hi, Fozzie.

Ralph! Ha!

Name's Ralph.

I stopped piano lessons tomorrow.

Trust us, Hal. This show will be good for your career.

Yeah, you'll be mixing with some fresh, new, classy acts.

Such as?

Well, such as our opening number. Here, read this.

Jerry and the Atrix?

Yeah!

To thank the guy who wrote the song

that made my baby fall in love

with me.

Oh, but you're bouncing.

Who was that man?

I'd like to shake his hand.

What what what what what

That was a terrific act.

Yeah, I know. In fact, it was just the kind of act you would have booked.

Maybe they made a mistake.

We made a terrible mistake.

That act was so bad, the frog could have booked it.

I thought you girls sang Sigmund Romberg tunes.

I'm ready for my Mozart number.

What, a pineapple and a Mozart number?

Yeah, my watermelon's at the cleaners.

Gonzo, your act has been canceled. What?

Yeah, but don't take it too badly.

Everybody's act has been canceled.

Yes, tonight there'll be nothing but bright new faces. Nothing but class and

culture. Like what?

Like the Berlin National Opera Company.

Oh, I wonder if they'd like to rent my pineapple.

Ladies and gentlemen, here... to perform the first act finale from Siegfried is

one of the world's great musical companies.

Excuse me, little blue possum. Yes?

The Berlin National Opera Company couldn't make it, so they sent us.

Who are you?

We are the Salzburg Sauerkraut Singers.

So here they are, the Berlin National Opera Company.

We'll be right back.

a book quality acts like that, I don't have a chance.

Oh, no.

We've been sabotaged.

Quick, you clean up the sauerkraut and I'll try to find an act to send on

Right. Beauregard?

Oh, we have been canceled.

Do you realize that we've been canceled?

Oh, no. We have been canceled.

Will you try and act like a grown -up? It's only for one show.

Oh, uh, Link.

Listen, I feel a little strange with Kermit not in charge. Is everything, you

know, going all right? Oh, sure, yes. We have been canceled, though.

Canceled? Yes, we've all been canceled.

All?

Everybody canceled? Mm -hmm. Just like that?

Canceled? I'm all set to do a number. You tell me what canceled. How? How? Try

to act like a grown -up.

After all, it's only for one show.

On stage? I thought it was canceled. Of course not. You're on next.

All right, on stage.

Stay off that stage.

He's got to go on the stage. The audience is getting restless.

He can't go on the stage. It's full of sauerkraut.

Can I talk to you in private?

If you guys just tell me what you want me to do, I'll be glad to do it. Oh,

good. Here, hold this sauerkraut.

Well, he can't go on till the sauerkraut's gone.

Sauerkraut's gone.

Moving right along.

We bring you tonight's guest star, the versatile and talented Mr. Hal Linden.

And a musical salute to our favorite holiday, Christmas. The Fourth of July.

Christmas. Oh, the Fourth of July.

Yes, but I already rented the sleigh. Too bad. And so now for an old

Fourth of July. Christmas.

Here he is, Mr. Hal Linden.

Yankee Doodle came to London just to ride the pony.

You're a grand old flag, you're a high -flying flag, and forever in heat

may you wave.

You're the emblem of... The land I love, the home of the free and the

brave.

Right on!

This land is your land.

This land is my land.

From California to the New York Island.

From the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream water.

This land was made for you and mine.

is about to perform one of the Beatles' hit songs.

Actually, we had hoped to have the Beatles sing it, but we haven't heard

any of them.

So... Wait a second. I just talked to Ringo. Oh, great. What did he say?

No.

So here are these guys I was telling you about.

Desmond says to Molly, girl, I like your face.

And Molly says this as she takes him by the hand.

Oh, bloody, oh, blah -da, life goes on. Blah, blah, blah, how the life goes on.

Oh, bloody, oh, blah -da, life goes on.

Blah, blah, blah, how the life goes on.

In a couple of years, they have built a home, sweetheart.

A couple of kids running in the yard.

Desmond and Molly chose a horse.

Happy ever after in the marketplace.

Desmond lets the children in the hand.

Molly stays at home and does a pretty face. And in the evening she still sings

it with the band.

Oh, bloody, oh, brother, life goes on.

Boy,

that was very good.

Yeah. You know, I don't miss me at all.

Gee, Robin, I'm sorry about your number being canceled, but look at it this way.

You could be lucky.

Well, they didn't cancel my number, and look what happened.

Yeah, but if I were in charge, things would be different.

Oh, yeah? How so?

Well, first of all, I'd pass a law against wide -wheel sports tires.

Excuse me?

Well, give narrow little frogs like me a better chance.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Gee, just imagine.

What if I did run things?

Oh?

If I ruled the world... Oh, you think big for a little guy.

Every day would be the first day of spring. Just put all the weathermen out

business. Every heart would have a new song to sing.

And we'd sing.

Of the joy every morning would bring.

You're drunk with power.

That's me. Cute but ruthless.

Your world would be a beautiful place where you

could weave such beautiful dreams.

Your world would wear a smile.

Like the man in the moon has when the moon beams.

Hey, I'd vote for me. So would I. Hey, you want to run on my ticket?

Why not?

If we ruled the world.

Every frog would say the world was his friend.

There'd be happiness that no...

No, my friend, not if we ruled the world.

Every head would be held apart.

There'd be sunshine in everyone's sky.

If the day ever dawns.

Clothing would be edible!

And now, for a change of pace, we take you to colorful, exciting India.

Yes, and here singing a medley of your favorite Urdu ditties is the Bombay

bombshell herself, Indira Mahajira.

I like Chopin and Bizet and the voice of Doris Day.

Gershwin songs and old forgotten carol.

But the music...

Slurp, slurp, slurp into the barrels.

I'll ask for such simple things when my birth...

Quick, Waldorf, what's on next? Check the clipboard.

Beauregard, why are you standing there?

Because this is the place where I stopped walking.

But don't do something useful. Check.

Let's see, we've got Icy Gomez, the Reykjavik warbler.

No, no, he came down with the flu.

Then we've got to go straight to Hal Linden's Dixieland.

Well,

that one works.

Oh, what are you doing?

Something useful, like you said.

I'm checking the backstage trapdoor releases.

Oh,

don't. Yeah, come on. Let's introduce Hal.

Remember, Bo, don't test any more backstage trapdoor releases.

Okay. I'll test the onstage trapdoor releases.

Now, we all know Hal Linden is a great comedy actor.

Yes, and we all know that Hal Linden is a terrific musical comedy star.

Did you also know that Hal Linden is quitting this show and going home?

What? But, Hal.

What about your Dixieland number? Well, I'd love to do some Dixieland, but, I

mean, after that first number?

Come on, how can you do a patriotic number with sauerkraut and Santa Claus?

But, Hal, we have our Dixieland band all ready to play when the saints go

marching in with you. Yeah.

Well, are you sure nothing's going to go wrong?

Hal, you've got to trust us.

All right, introduce me.

Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Mr. Hal!

I want to be.

In that number, when the saints go marching.

Thank you.

Well, it looks like time's running out for us.

Yeah, and for the show, too.

So let's bring back our wonderful guest star, Mr.

Hal Linden.

Good to see you.

It sure is.

Yeah, tonight's been a disaster.

Has it, really?

Gee, I thought it was a terrific show.

What are you talking about? It was a lot of confusion and chaos, a lot of

running around by mindless maniacs. Yeah, yeah, just like any good Muppet

And now you're a big part of it. Oh, good. I'm glad I fit right in.

Well, Kermit, the show's all yours.

We're going back up to our seats in the box and stay there.

We didn't know how tough it was down here. But, Mom, we promise never to say

bad thing about the show again.

All good.

We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show.

Bye.

What's up there?

You know, I never liked their theme music. Neither did I. You promised.