Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

When you watch The Muppet Show, it's the only show on air where you're actually

only seeing the top 18 inches of the action.

And in a lot of ways, what goes on underneath the camera frame is just as

exciting and sometimes more exciting than what's going on in front of the

camera.

If you think about it, this is the way it is.

The camera's shooting basically from the top of your head up to your hand. And

that's the way all the performers are working.

They're all watching monitors to see what the camera can see. And it's great

watching the performers underneath, watching them jockeying for position and

people reaching between each other, trying to get to an arm run.

It's really, it's a bit like watching a pit stop at an Indy 500 rain.

It's really quite impossible, which is what makes it so much fun to do.

Here's The Muppet Show.

You cockroaches want to take up stamp collecting?

Well, here's one to start with.

Hey, who are you?

I'm Mac Davis.

Kermit asked me to be his guest star tonight.

Mac Davis, that's right.

You're the famous singer, songwriter, actor, country western star.

That's great.

Well, it ain't great, but it sure keeps the cockroaches away.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Matt Davis.

Yeah!

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know.

It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, muppetational, this is what we call The Muppet Show!

Thank you, thank you, and welcome again

to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a great show tonight because our

special guest is that great recording star, composer, and singer, Mr.

Mac... Yes,

but before we meet back, here is another opening number.

The overture is about to start. You cross your fingers and hold your heart.

That was terrifying.

Every time it went wrong, I thought, this is it, curtains.

Yeah, and it was Beaker's fault.

What is this thing, anyhow?

Oh, this is new from Muppet Labs.

It's our snazzy new copying machine.

And fortunately, my assistant Beaker is eager to test it.

Sooner him than me.

Oh, Beaker, a copying machine is completely harmless.

Well, Mr. Beauregard, it looks like you've seen the light.

Okay, it is guest star time, folks, so things are definitely getting better out

here. So here he is now, one of the kings of country western music, ladies

gentlemen.

That look in your eyes And it's starting to

worry me Cause

I ain't ready for no family ties

Nobody's gonna hurt me

I can't breathe.

Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me.

Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me.

Cause I'll just use you, then I'll set you free.

Really think so?

Well, there's something about you. Oh, the curly hair, the physique.

The flippers, right?

That's it.

I'm really into flippers, Matt.

Paint yourself green and you'll be my kind of guy.

Girl,

you're a hot blood.

fish.

Okay, great number. Nice number, Mac.

Ah, thanks, Kermit. You know, that's the secret to good songwriting.

What's that?

You gotta have a strong hook.

There go two great sets of flippers.

Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that.

Because I can't understand it.

Come on, Bob, move it, move it. I'm trying.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.

And what a sad day it is, too, for Beaker, my fickle and wayward assistant,

gone missing.

So I guess I'll have to demonstrate Muppet Labs' new copying machine a la

You got a few minutes for a fellow star?

Surely.

Watch it, watch it. You're getting dust on my expensive but tasteful outfit.

You know, that is a mighty tasteful outfit. I like it. Oh, well, thank you.

just threw it on.

Actually, I'm good at that.

Yeah, you're not bad at laying it on either.

Well, thank you.

You know, I just wanted to tell you, be sure and watch me in the police sketch

that's coming up.

Okay, you're pretty good, huh?

Good is not the word.

Yeah, I can believe that.

Terrific is more of the word.

Well, you know something, Link?

I've always thought that you had a certain... A certain je ne sais quoi.

And I know exactly what it is.

Animal magnetism.

Yeah. You can say that again.

You know, I've got a song that's just absolutely perfect for you. I'm going to

sing it for you. Sing along if you'd like.

Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in

every way.

I can't wait to look in the mirror because I get better looking each

day.

To know me is to love me.

must be a hell of a man.

Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble, but I'm doing the best that

I can.

I know exactly what you mean.

I used to have a girlfriend, but I guess she just couldn't

compete with all of these love -starved women who keep

clamoring at my feet.

Well, I probably could find me another.

But I guess they're all in awe of me.

Who cares?

I never get lonesome. Cause I treasure my own company.

Lord, it's hard to be humble.

Perfect in every way.

I can't wait to look in the mirror.

Cause I get better looking each day.

To know him is to love him.

He must be a hell of a pig.

Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble.

When you're blessed with a talent this big.

Oh, Lord,

it's hard to be humble. When you're perfect.

When you're perfect in every way.

Can't wait to look in the mirror. I can't wait to look in the mirror.

I can't wait to look in each day.

To know me is to what?

To know me is to love me. I must be a hell of a man. I must be a hell of a

Oh, Lord, it's hard. Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble.

What are we doing? We're doing the best that we can.

One more time. I didn't hear you.

We're doing the task that we can.

All right.

Now,

ladies and gentlemen, I would like to play at this time Liebster Jezu Mein

Verlanger. Johann Sebastian Bach.

That's Bach.

Then...

Beauregard, what are you doing?

Well, I promised Kermit I would clean.

You can't clean out here.

Well, I'll clean back there then.

I'm only Dusty.

Get out of here.

I'm

only

Fender, Dusty.

Oh, please, Mr. Chef, sir. I'm hiding in here. My assistant Beaker is ganging up

on me.

Poor boy don't need electronics to make no rock and roll.

Poor boy got boogie boogie born right in his soul.

Come in.

Oh, great. You must be the background singers I sent for. I sure hope you're

in good voice today.

Hold it. I'll tell you what. Instead of singing along, why don't you just eef

along with me? I'll show you what I'm talking about. Poor boy got rhythm.

Poor boy got booze.

Poor boy got boogie woogie. Born right in his shoes. Now watch this.

Now you do it.

Well, at least I don't have to listen to him sing anymore.

And now... Ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on patrol.

All right, you, come on, come on, go, go, go. Sir, I just booked this person

an 803.

Oh, he could get 20 years for that. Yes, sir. What's an 803?

Sir, it's making funny noises in public.

Make that 25 years.

Did you read him his rights?

Not yet, sir. Okay, listen. You have the right to remain silent.

Sir, I don't think he understands.

Let me handle it.

You have the right to remain stupid.

Lock him up, Patrol Bear. Yes, sir. All right, you move into that jail cell.

That's it. Get in there.

Patrol Bear, I told you to lock him up.

But, sir, I did.

Oh, wait, wait. Look, the briefcase.

It must be his lawyer.

What's he saying?

I don't know. Who understands lawyer talk?

Lock him up, Patrol Bear. Yes, sir. Get in there, you. Get in there. All right,

both of you, just stay there.

Patrol Bear, they've escaped.

No, but what the hell?

I'd like a head count. Now bring those two out of there. Yes, sir. All right,

you two, get out there. Let's get a head count.

Come on, move it. Everybody line up. Come on, line up.

This is serious business.

All right, one, two, three, four, five.

That was quick thinking.

Well, that's why I'm sergeant.

The mustache twirling contest has been canceled this week.

Shh! I am not what I appear to be, Mr. Kermit. It is really I, Dr.

Bunsen Honeydew, and I'm hiding from my assistant, Peekers.

Why are all of him mad at you?

I don't know. I've always been a regular sweetie to each of him.

Well, the secret of your identity is safe with me.

I think I'd better introduce Mac Davis.

Special guest star, Mr. Mike Davis.

You

know,

I've had a wonderful time doing the Muppet Show tonight.

But there's a part of the show that never seems to get enough attention as

as I'm concerned. I'm going to take care of that right now. I want a big round

of applause for the band.

Yeah, that's mighty big of you.

Big Mac, Big Mac.

Would you guys join in with me on a song I wrote a long time ago? I sure would

appreciate it.

Oh, it'd be our pleasure, Mac.

You lay it down, we pick it up.

I could just sit around making music all day long As long as

I'm making music I know I can't do nobody wrong And who knows, maybe

someday I'll come up with a song That makes people want to stop their fussing

and fighting Just long enough to sing along I believe in

music

I believe in love.

Help me out.

I believe in music.

You know that I, oh, I believe in love.

Well, music is love, and love is music if you know what I mean.

And people who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.

So clap your hands.

Stomp your feet and shake your tambourine and lift your voices to the

loves you when you sing. Let me hear it. I believe in music.

God knows it. I believe in love.

Don't it make you feel good? I believe in music.

music is the universal language and love is the key to brotherhood and peace

and understanding living in harmony so take your brother by the hand

and sing along with me and find out what it really means to feel young

and rich and free

audience. Let me hear you real loud.

to know it's been a real pleasure doing your show. I really have enjoyed it. Oh,

good. But who is this?

Oh, this guy I caught in my dressing room. I thought he looked suspicious.

Why?

Well, he's wearing a disguise.