Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

Brooke Shields was the youngest guest star to appear on The Muppet Show. She

only 15 at the time.

Hi, I'm Alice. Who are you?

Oh, no time for that. I'm looking for a hole.

Looking for a hole?

A hole what?

Because she was only 15 when she did the show, she was only allowed to shoot a

few hours each day.

So when she wasn't shooting, she liked to hang around the Muppet Workshop and

help build characters.

In fact...

There's one number in which she actually helped build the slithy toes

characters.

This particular sketch is described by Scooter in the show

as the weirdest thing the show has ever done, and he may be right.

At least you're in the scene so you know what it is. Have you seen the scene?

Even when you know what it is, you don't know what it is.

Here it is, Brooke Shields in The Muppet Show.

I'm your guest, Brooke Shields. Oh, yes, Brooke Shields.

Here's your script.

Thank you.

Gee, this is Alice in Wonderland. I thought I was doing something called The

Muffin Show.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

I'm late. I'm late.

That answer your question?

No.

It's time to get things started.

I'm the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational mother... This is what we

call The Muppet Show!

Excuse me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And

going to have a very special show for you tonight. Our guest star is one of

brightest new talents in the film world, Miss Brooke Shields.

Yes, and with Brooke, we're going to tell you the story of...

Alice in Wonderland. You all know Alice in Wonderland. It's all crammed with

warm, lovable characters and cute, fluffy little bunny rabbits.

Look, either you tell me where the rabbit hole is or I tear your head off.

Just back behind the curtains.

Thanks.

And also cruel, heartless, violent little bunny rabbits.

Anyhow, something for everyone in Alice in Wonderland.

Oh, no time for that.

I'm looking for a hole.

Looking for a hole?

A hole what?

I hate smart Alice's.

Oh, look, there it is.

We're having a jam session.

Want to sit in?

Hey there, Miss Alice, if you're near the palace, just drop in.

I'm quite good at dropping. I've been practicing a long time now.

If you're really racing that rabbit you're chasing, get hot.

with a cook who keeps breaking the dishes.

A caterpillar on a mushroom who's smoking a hookah.

Hookah, hookah, hookah, the hookah.

That's very bad for your health, you know.

A teapot that has a mouse in it.

Things get badder and badder by the minute.

Curiouser and curiouser is the expression, I believe.

Wait till the scene where the crazy old queen wants your head.

I won't survive the fall.

Feels like you're bound to a merry -go -round you can't get off.

Don't be surprised if you meet Captain Hook. Cause our version won't.

Alice in Wonderland?

I thought we were doing Peter Pan.

It's Alice in Wonderland now. Go change, Fozzie. Yes, sir.

Anybody got a can opener?

Hey, Carmen, I don't remember the Tin Woodsman and Peter Pan.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Where's Miss Piggy? Is she in her Queen of Hearts costume?

Oh, that's another one of our problems. What?

because that's who you are.

Queen of... Yes, queen of hearts. That suits us.

If anyone can portray royalty, it is we.

Oh, Floyd, Floyd, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on stage.

Not in this jive caterpillar outfit.

I hate caterpillars.

Listen, Floyd, you can take your place on stage or in the unemployment line.

Thank you, Alice in Wonderland. We should have done something simple, like

and peace.

Kermit has very graciously asked me to introduce the next scene in Alice in

Wonderland. So he wouldn't have to come out here.

So here it is, the next scene from Alice in Wonderland.

Scooter, tell them what it is.

Well, what is it? It's the caterpillar scene.

Oh, the caterpillar scene.

You eat.

It looked like you were having a ball out there. I'll say. Of course, having a

ball is only proper for a caterpillar. Oh?

Yeah, you see, my mother was a moth, and I'm sure you've heard of moth balls.

Okay, mad tea party on stage next. Mad tea party.

Kermit, Kermit, I refuse to go along with Brooke. Why? I mean, I've played

the big stars before, but she is definitely out of my league.

Oh, I know she's a big star. Do you know how big?

No, how big?

It'll do it every time.

What do I do now?

Well, let's go to your dressing room. We'll figure something out.

Okay. Scooter, would you get somebody to stall on stage?

All right, boss.

Gee, hey, Gonzo, who do we have?

Well, there's Humpty Dumpty.

Oh, could you have all the king's horses and all the king's men standing by just

in case? No, don't worry. You'll be terrific.

Gritty! Come on, guys.

Say, was that a tie he was wearing or a belt?

I don't know. That's wardrobe.

It's not my department.

At the risk of laying a bomb with you, or at least a little bomblet, I'd like

to announce I'm preparing to play the lead in Shakespeare.

They'll say that the way I tell jokes is very close to human. So tomorrow I go

to a studio to record my first record,

Albumen.

These are the jokes, folks.

These are the jokes.

who produced the effect.

Oh, you better do something. I can't go through life this tall.

I hear there's money in basketball.

Fine, son.

Sorry. Don't worry, my dear. You should start becoming smaller any minute.

Oh, yes, you're right.

Oh, thank goodness.

You're welcome. In no time at all, you'll be your normal size again.

I should have done the muffin show instead.

Everything's going wrong.

Kermit won't let me play the Ken Woodman.

Bunton shrank the guest star.

Old Humpty Dumpty's had an accident.

Now Dr. Bob is trying to fix him up.

Yeah, but that's good.

With sausage and chips?

Listen, Bear, you worry too much. Look at me. I'm always smiling.

Yeah, but you're the Cheshire Cat. You're supposed to smile.

When you're smiling, yes, when you're smiling, then the whole world smiles

you. And when you're laughing, oh, when you're laughing, then the sun comes

shining through.

Come on, Fozzie, smile.

Please, I'd rather be miserable.

There are smiles that make you happy.

What's smiling got to do with the weather? Oh, a lot.

Great skies are bound to clear up.

Put on a happy face. Oh, yeah.

Brush off the clouds and cheer up.

Put on a happy face.

Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy.

It's not your style.

You look so good that you'll be glad you decided to smile.

Happy days are here again.

The skies above are clear again.

Let us sing a song of cheer again. Happy days are here again.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. You made me so happy. Thank you all

here. Yes.

I'm so depressed.

Lewis Carroll's most beloved poems.

Make this a good intro, Chief. This scene needs all the help it can get.

Well, at least you're in the scene so you know what it is. Have you seen the

scene? Even when you know what it is, you don't know what it is.

Uh, uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Jabberwocky.

It was thrilling, and the slidey -toes did gyre and gimble in the rain.

All mimsy where the boar goes, and among us outgray.

Beware the jabberwock, my son, the jaws that bite, the claws that catch.

Beware the jub -jub bird, and shun the frumious bandersnatch.

He took his vorpal sword in hand, long time the manxum foe he sought.

So rested he by the tum -tum tree, and stood a while and thought.

Hmm.

And as enoughish thought he stood, the Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,

came whiffling through the tolgy wood, and burbled as he came.

Burble, burble.

Burble, burble.

Aha!

One, two, one, two.

And through and through, the Vorpal Blade went snicker snack.

a lumping back.

A lump, a lump, a lump, a lump, a lump, a lump, a lump, a lump. Ah, then hast

thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my famous boy.

Oh, frat, just stay.

Calloo, callay.

He chortled in his joy.

Twas brillig, and the slidey toves did gyre and gimble in the wave.

All mimsy were the borogoves and the momerats.

Out.

I tell you, this is the weirdest thing we've ever done on this show.

It was an outrage.

Can I just put on my body and go home?

Well, you should quit while you're ahead.

Brooke?

Brooke?

Listen, Brooke, you're so tiny now I'm scared I'm going to step on you. Give me

some idea where you are.

Not now, Piggy. But look out for the guest star.

Kermit, I would have been here earlier, but I was busy learning my line.

Wait a second, Piggy. Don't walk over here.

One lousy line in the trial scene.

Do you want to hear my role?

No. Off with his head.

Kermit, I tell you... Piggy, don't move!

I'm sorry, but Brooke has shrunk so small that we can't find her. So watch

step. What?

Yeah, but don't worry, because I'm going to cancel the whole trial scene anyway.

Yeah, but how can we hold a trial without Alice?

Will you please be quiet?

Yeah, but what's the point? Hush!

Who are you?

I'm the...

Gas in.

She's her normal size again.

Everybody on stage, that's it. The Mad Tea Party next. The show's not over.

Well, you can't say he isn't flexible.

Okay, well, here it is, folks, and it's going to be fantastic.

The Mad Tea Party starring Brooke Shields. Oh, please let it be fantastic.

And it's not!

We're here. We're here.

you get the chance.

Me too.

Anyway, congratulations on being the Muppet Show's youngest ever guest star.

What's that noise?

I think that's Lewis Carroll turning over in his grave.