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1
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:07,540
I'm Loretta Swit.
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00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:10,140
Loretta Swit, our guest star. Yes.
3
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:14,440
Internationally acclaimed actress. Oh,
well. Star of MASH.
4
00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:16,260
Yes. Brilliant comedian.
5
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:17,600
You're very sweet.
6
00:00:17,940 --> 00:00:21,440
Dressing room number three. Sweep the
floor when you're throwing. Try not to
7
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:22,440
dirty the towel.
8
00:00:23,740 --> 00:00:27,680
I'm beginning to wonder about this show.
When my contract arrived, it was
9
00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:28,680
written in crayon.
10
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,860
It's the Muppet Show with our very
special guest star, Loretta Swit.
11
00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:01,340
It's time to put on makeup.
12
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,320
It's time to dress up right.
13
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:06,760
It's time to raise a curtain on the
Muffin Show tonight.
14
00:01:07,260 --> 00:01:11,360
Why do we always come here? I guess
we'll never know.
15
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:15,460
It's like a kind of torture to have to
watch the show.
16
00:01:26,250 --> 00:01:29,470
It's time to get things started on the
most sensational, inspirational,
17
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:34,230
salarational, motivational, this is what
we do.
18
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:53,320
Wonderful show, because tonight's guest
is the lovely star of the MASH TV
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series, a brilliant comedian, a great
movie actress, Miss Loretta Swit.
20
00:01:57,820 --> 00:02:02,260
Yes, but while we're waiting to meet our
invited guests, let's look in on some
21
00:02:02,260 --> 00:02:03,760
other guests who weren't invited.
22
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:16,160
One night Farmer Brown was taking the
air After locking up the barn with the
23
00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:21,590
greatest care Then down in the hen house
Something stirred when he shouted, this
24
00:02:21,590 --> 00:02:25,890
is what he heard. There ain't nobody
here but us chickens.
25
00:02:26,310 --> 00:02:28,870
There ain't nobody here at all.
26
00:02:29,470 --> 00:02:32,690
So rise yourself and stop that foot.
27
00:02:32,990 --> 00:02:38,290
There ain't nobody here but us. Hey, we
chickens are trying to sleep and you
28
00:02:38,290 --> 00:02:42,110
bust in. And hobble, hobble, hobble,
hobble with your chin.
29
00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:44,630
There ain't nobody here but us chickens.
30
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There ain't nobody here at all.
31
00:02:48,650 --> 00:02:49,850
You're stomping around.
32
00:02:50,210 --> 00:02:51,570
You're shaking the ground.
33
00:02:51,770 --> 00:02:53,870
You're raising up a powerful dust.
34
00:02:54,330 --> 00:02:58,210
We chickens are trying to sleep, and you
bust in.
35
00:02:58,450 --> 00:03:00,910
And hobble, hobble, hobble, hobble, dick
and fin.
36
00:03:01,450 --> 00:03:05,430
Tomorrow is a busy day. We got things to
do.
37
00:03:05,650 --> 00:03:06,870
We got eggs to lay.
38
00:03:07,110 --> 00:03:10,250
We got worms to dig. We got ground to
scratch.
39
00:03:10,630 --> 00:03:15,210
And it takes a lot of certain getting
chicks to hatch. There ain't nobody here
40
00:03:15,210 --> 00:03:19,110
but us chickens. There ain't nobody here
at all.
41
00:03:19,670 --> 00:03:21,190
Quiet yourself.
42
00:03:21,510 --> 00:03:22,930
Stop that foot.
43
00:04:03,530 --> 00:04:04,890
I liked it. Oh, you.
44
00:04:05,770 --> 00:04:08,990
You like that?
45
00:04:09,370 --> 00:04:11,910
No, I just wanted to see what you do if
I said I did.
46
00:04:14,450 --> 00:04:15,990
Okay, nice opening number.
47
00:04:16,230 --> 00:04:17,370
Chickens, check your guns.
48
00:04:17,589 --> 00:04:18,649
Oh, can I help?
49
00:04:19,610 --> 00:04:20,970
Come here, Tammy.
50
00:04:21,310 --> 00:04:23,090
I have a surprise for you.
51
00:04:23,290 --> 00:04:24,530
Yeah, what's that? Hold it.
52
00:04:25,250 --> 00:04:26,350
Thank you.
53
00:04:27,010 --> 00:04:28,450
What was that all about?
54
00:04:32,590 --> 00:04:35,030
and run a show with people pulling dumb
stunts like that all the time.
55
00:04:35,450 --> 00:04:37,090
Congratulations, Chief. On what?
56
00:04:37,290 --> 00:04:40,110
Well, that photographer said you were
going to be on the big cover story of
57
00:04:40,110 --> 00:04:42,250
big gossip paper, Tongue Magazine.
58
00:04:42,890 --> 00:04:46,650
Yeah, they found out that you and Miss
Piggy were secretly married last year in
59
00:04:46,650 --> 00:04:47,710
Vegas. What?
60
00:04:50,150 --> 00:04:51,150
Piggy?
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00:04:51,350 --> 00:04:55,310
Piggy? Yes, Mr. Piggy? Piggy, have you
been planting items about us in the
62
00:04:55,310 --> 00:04:56,310
gossip papers again?
63
00:04:56,710 --> 00:05:00,750
Um, what would make you think a thing
like that? The photographer who was just
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00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:01,870
here, he was from Tongue Mag...
65
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,400
It was a cover story about us being
secretly married.
66
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:16,240
That's a bald -faced lie, Piggy. I will
not stand around while you do dumb
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00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:19,860
things like that, Piggy. You have done
that to me too many times, Piggy. I will
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00:05:19,860 --> 00:05:21,580
not stand for it. I will not stand for
it.
69
00:05:22,860 --> 00:05:26,180
I'll tell you what I'm going to do,
Piggy. I'm going to fire you. Piggy, you
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00:05:26,180 --> 00:05:29,260
fired. You are fired, Piggy. You are
fired. Fired.
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00:05:33,310 --> 00:05:34,690
kidding. I am not kidding.
72
00:05:35,490 --> 00:05:38,750
But I'm in the next number. I will
cancel.
73
00:05:39,450 --> 00:05:41,950
Cancel the next number. Put on the
Snorrer's course instead.
74
00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:43,610
Snorrer's course.
75
00:05:43,830 --> 00:05:46,330
Get the Snorrer's course on stage. Well,
hold it. Wait. Get out there. Wait a
76
00:05:46,330 --> 00:05:47,810
minute. It's mine. It's my number.
77
00:05:48,070 --> 00:05:50,090
You can't fire me. I'm the star.
78
00:05:50,390 --> 00:05:54,030
You can be replaced, Piggy. Oh, I see.
Just try.
79
00:05:54,450 --> 00:05:58,610
I will. I will. I will replace you. The
Snorrer's are going to put the audience
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00:05:58,610 --> 00:05:59,610
to sleep.
81
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,400
Don't ask me, I was asleep.
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00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:20,700
And now, ladies and gentlemen, here in a
salute to the San Andreas Fault, Miss
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00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:21,700
Loretta Swift!
84
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:47,000
I haven't laughed so much since I saw
Earthquake.
85
00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:48,980
Sweet, but sick.
86
00:08:50,340 --> 00:08:54,020
I said I hate long goodbyes. So what? So
long.
87
00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:56,520
Oh, yeah?
88
00:08:56,760 --> 00:09:02,140
Well, the Earthquake number went fine. I
tell you, I do not need this show. I
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00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:05,760
have a whole world waiting up there for
moi. Well, don't keep them waiting.
90
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:11,520
I have musical comedy offers, press
conferences, film offers. The last...
91
00:09:20,170 --> 00:09:23,330
this like grown -ups. When you don't
discuss it like grown -ups, when you're
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00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:27,310
talking to a pig, you don't discuss it
like grown -ups. Not you, boy. Not you.
93
00:09:28,230 --> 00:09:29,230
Quiet!
94
00:09:30,750 --> 00:09:33,970
Kermit, you can't just pick her up and
throw her out in the snow.
95
00:09:34,290 --> 00:09:36,290
Not without a forklift, I can't.
96
00:09:38,030 --> 00:09:39,030
Very funny.
97
00:09:39,150 --> 00:09:40,150
What, boy?
98
00:09:41,390 --> 00:09:42,890
Kermit? Now,
99
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:48,550
listen to me. Who do you think you could
get to play those scenes with the same
100
00:09:48,550 --> 00:09:49,550
verve and...
101
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:52,160
pizzazz. Pizzazz.
102
00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:54,620
Well, in Vets Hospital, I was hoping you
would.
103
00:09:54,900 --> 00:09:57,460
Oh, God.
104
00:09:58,020 --> 00:10:03,240
Oh, do you think a costume would fit me?
Sure. Oh, of course. Anybody can play
105
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,240
that part.
106
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,060
Oh, excuse me. Do you work here?
107
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:16,160
Time once again for Veterinarian's
Hospital.
108
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:20,680
The continuing story of a quack who's
gone to the dogs.
109
00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:22,780
Say, isn't someone missing?
110
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,300
Okay, isn't someone missing?
111
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:31,920
Hello, I'm Nurse Loretta, and I'm here
to fill in for Nurse Piggy. Well, if
112
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,260
you're here to fill in for Nurse Piggy,
you'd better fill out.
113
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,940
Is that some kind of a fat joke?
114
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,540
Yes, unfortunately, it's not the funny
kind.
115
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:42,960
Well, shall we get started?
116
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:44,269
Not yet.
117
00:10:44,270 --> 00:10:47,810
I'm not sure you're qualified for what
we do here at Veterinarian's Hospital.
118
00:10:48,110 --> 00:10:49,370
Well, she might be.
119
00:10:49,590 --> 00:10:53,270
I think I've seen her face somewhere
else. Oh, that couldn't be. My face has
120
00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:54,450
always been right where it is.
121
00:10:55,010 --> 00:10:57,170
You just qualified.
122
00:10:57,730 --> 00:10:58,890
Have you got the instruments?
123
00:10:59,190 --> 00:10:59,929
Yes, doctor.
124
00:10:59,930 --> 00:11:01,710
Scalpel, suture. Have you got clamps?
125
00:11:02,150 --> 00:11:04,470
No, my stomach's a little upset, but I
don't have any clamps.
126
00:11:06,030 --> 00:11:08,170
I think you're overqualified.
127
00:11:09,430 --> 00:11:12,230
Say, I just remembered where I saw your
face.
128
00:11:12,730 --> 00:11:15,230
It was on a show called Mesh. That's
right.
129
00:11:15,830 --> 00:11:20,990
Dumb name for a show, Mesh. Oh, I don't
know. My uncle the sled dog was on a
130
00:11:20,990 --> 00:11:21,990
show called Mush.
131
00:11:22,670 --> 00:11:23,910
They didn't have a long run?
132
00:11:24,130 --> 00:11:26,190
Yes, thanks to the Eskimo with the whip.
133
00:11:26,710 --> 00:11:30,850
And so we come to the end of another
veterinarian's hospital.
134
00:11:31,270 --> 00:11:33,010
Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr.
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00:11:33,230 --> 00:11:35,990
Bob say... Wait a minute. We haven't had
a patient yet.
136
00:11:36,430 --> 00:11:38,410
That's nothing. You haven't had a laugh
yet either.
137
00:11:43,310 --> 00:11:44,610
Okay, okay, everybody.
138
00:11:45,110 --> 00:11:46,110
Ready?
139
00:11:46,490 --> 00:11:50,610
Scooter. Yes, okay, now let's rehearse
it one more time before Miss Piggy comes
140
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:52,610
up. All right, okay. Here we go. Ready?
141
00:11:53,430 --> 00:11:54,430
Sure.
142
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,760
Piggy will really like that.
143
00:12:21,980 --> 00:12:28,560
Yeah. But in Piggy's case, shouldn't it
be, and days of old Lang swine?
144
00:12:30,780 --> 00:12:31,780
Now,
145
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:38,460
be serious, guys, because Piggy's been
with us for a long time, and when she
146
00:12:38,460 --> 00:12:42,000
goes, well, it'll be very sad. Yeah.
Yeah, it's true.
147
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:43,319
Yeah, it's true.
148
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:46,940
On the other hand, when she goes, she
takes her dog with her.
149
00:12:47,220 --> 00:12:48,220
Yeah.
150
00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:57,540
That dog is man's
151
00:12:57,540 --> 00:12:58,540
best fiend.
152
00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:04,840
Hey, Ralph, the guys and I know another
song for Piggy. What's that?
153
00:13:05,140 --> 00:13:11,160
For she's a jolly good porker. For she's
a jolly good porker. For she's a jolly
154
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:12,160
good...
155
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:22,360
He's on the line.
156
00:17:04,740 --> 00:17:08,339
It was a cover story, Piggy. It was a
cover story. It said that we were
157
00:17:08,339 --> 00:17:12,040
married. Scooter, Scooter, would you go
up and ask Loretta if she would take
158
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:13,180
Piggy's part in Pigs in Space?
159
00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:02,100
As you may recall, our last episode had
nothing to do with the previous episode.
160
00:18:02,260 --> 00:18:03,480
Or this one either.
161
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:09,520
Why, Leggy Pooh, how divine you look.
162
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,960
Don't be disrespectful, strange pork.
163
00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:16,100
These are not mine. I was attacked by
them.
164
00:18:16,460 --> 00:18:20,360
Well, if they're not yours, whose could
they be?
165
00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:24,580
First mate piggy report to the bridge on
the double.
166
00:18:41,350 --> 00:18:44,010
Can we try that again without the nose?
167
00:18:44,650 --> 00:18:45,990
You mean the snout out?
168
00:18:47,110 --> 00:18:51,230
Much better. Now listen, First Mate
Piggy. Yes? You must stop hanging your
169
00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:52,970
things to drip dry in the shower.
170
00:18:53,350 --> 00:18:56,030
Really? And whose is this?
171
00:18:58,410 --> 00:18:59,690
Where did you get that?
172
00:19:00,030 --> 00:19:01,430
Right where you left it.
173
00:19:01,670 --> 00:19:04,010
Oh, that's a lie. I never saw it before
in my life.
174
00:19:04,270 --> 00:19:06,510
Then why did your mom throw your name
tag in it?
175
00:19:12,260 --> 00:19:13,260
I'm the captain.
176
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:14,920
I have to look my best.
177
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:20,800
All right, Swit, I'm back. I'm kicking
over. Oh, I'm so glad you're back.
178
00:19:21,180 --> 00:19:25,200
Oh, we missed you. I mean, well, no,
this was really a lot of fun, but, oh,
179
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:26,200
belong here.
180
00:19:26,420 --> 00:19:31,460
Really? Oh, yes. Oh, whoa, Pigs in Space
is nothing without you. Oh, Lorette.
181
00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:34,260
I'm so glad that Kermit rehired you.
182
00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:44,320
This is terrible. We've been invaded by
a little green monster.
183
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:48,640
Of course we're not. We've got two first
mate piggies.
184
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:53,760
Listen, listen, you either get off this
stage or I throw you off. Yeah, you and
185
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,540
whose army? I don't need an army to
throw you off this stage.
186
00:19:56,980 --> 00:20:00,720
Oh, now,
187
00:20:04,060 --> 00:20:07,380
Kermit, you know how important Miss
Piggy is to the show.
188
00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:12,420
Well... And Miss Piggy. Oh, Miss Piggy,
you know you wouldn't be happy anywhere
189
00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:13,420
else.
190
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:21,040
Oh, so... Come on, now. Let's sing a
nice, warm,
191
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,540
lovely together song.
192
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,820
I hate sappy songs like that.
193
00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:29,720
All right, then. Why don't you two just
kiss and make up?
194
00:20:31,420 --> 00:20:33,060
Well, let's sing the sappy song.
195
00:20:34,820 --> 00:20:36,420
You don't make it easy, Spock.
196
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:39,780
Isn't it warm?
197
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,500
Isn't it cozy?
198
00:20:43,140 --> 00:20:46,020
Side by side.
199
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:47,880
By side.
200
00:20:48,060 --> 00:20:50,320
Horse in a storm.
201
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:52,980
Comfy and cozy.
202
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:56,020
Side by side.
203
00:20:56,780 --> 00:20:57,960
By side.
204
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,480
Everything shines.
205
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:03,220
How sweet.
206
00:21:03,580 --> 00:21:06,100
Side by side.
207
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,140
By side.
208
00:21:14,380 --> 00:21:18,460
Side by side. By side.
209
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,240
Everyone winks.
210
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:26,120
Nobody's nosy. Side by side.
211
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:07,480
how much we missed her. Kermit, go
ahead. Well, what would we do without
212
00:22:07,620 --> 00:22:12,240
Huh? What would we do without you?
213
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:16,060
How would we ever get through?
214
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:23,960
Who would I complain to for hours? Who
would bring me the flowers when I have
215
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:24,960
the flu?
216
00:22:37,420 --> 00:22:39,820
keep us occupied when we want to sleep.
217
00:22:40,380 --> 00:22:42,960
How would we ever get through?
218
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,680
What would we do without you?
219
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:51,540
Okay, everybody, one more time, just for
a minute, Biggie, huh?
220
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:04,140
She's funny as she remains calm when
everybody around her is going Thank
221
00:24:04,140 --> 00:24:12,120
you
222
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:17,580
Thank You Kermit. Oh, you know, I hope
nobody out there believes that I was
223
00:24:17,580 --> 00:24:22,180
really trying to take over for Miss
Piggy Oh, no, no, no, because you know
224
00:24:22,180 --> 00:24:26,100
a great actress and a great star has
developed a role It's impossible for
225
00:24:26,100 --> 00:24:28,000
another actress to fill her shoes
226
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:34,700
Funny, the shoes don't fit.
227
00:24:36,620 --> 00:24:38,580
We'll see you next time on The Muppet
Show.
228
00:25:16,179 --> 00:25:17,179
South Dakota.
229
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:21,500
South Dakota has nothing to do with this
show. That's what I want. Nothing to do
230
00:25:21,500 --> 00:25:22,500
with this show.
18506
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