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It's the Muppet Show with our very
special guest star, Ms. Ethel Merman.
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It's time to put on makeup.
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It's time to dress up right.
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It's time to get things started.
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It's time to get things started on the
most sensational, inspirational,
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celebrational, palpitational, this is
what we do.
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another edition of The Muppet Show.
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And we're very honored to have as our
special guest star one of the true
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of the Broadway musical stage, Miss
Ethel Merman. Oh, come it, my love.
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Since Ethel Merman is our guest, as a
tribute, I plan to sing a medley of all
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her great hits.
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Uh, Piggy, why would anyone want to hear
you sing Miss Merman's songs when Miss
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Merman is here to sing them herself?
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Well, since I've rehearsed them...
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Why don't I just do him and call it a
tribute to Irving Berlin?
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Peggy, we ain't got out of here.
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Out, out, out, out, out.
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Okay, having settled that, let's kick
off the show with a little number we
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call...
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That song had a nice beat.
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No, no, I don't want to eat.
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I said beat, beat, you old fool. Why
don't you turn up your hearing aid?
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There's going to be a raid. Well, let's
get out of here.
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I give up.
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Okay, nice. Nice number, you guys. Good
opening.
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Kermit, Kermit, Kermit. Hey, my agent is
dropping by a little later in the show.
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Okay, fine.
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Yeah. Hey, stand by for the next number.
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Everything's ready, boss.
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Good boy, Scooter. That kid's doing a
great job.
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Hey, do you think you'll have time to
talk to him? Of course. I always have
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to talk to Scooter. His uncle owns the
theater.
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No, no, no, no, no. I mean, my agent.
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What does he own?
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Ten percent of me.
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Okay, okay. What does he want to talk
about?
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My contract.
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Father, you don't have a contract.
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That's what he wants to talk about.
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Will you get out?
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just introduce the guest star and get
out of the way, but tonight I personally
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get to participate.
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You see, everybody wanted to sing a duet
with Ethel Merman, and because she's
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introduced so many Broadway hits, we
thought that some of us could do a few
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them. Or a few of us could do some of
them.
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Anyhow, I now take great pleasure in
introducing Miss Ethel Merman and some
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her songs, and some of us, and me.
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You're the top.
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You're the top.
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You're the top.
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You're the Lou Museum.
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You're a melody of a symphony by
Strauss.
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You're a bundle bond of a Shakespeare
sonnet. You're Mickey Mouse.
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Is that a compliment?
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You called me a coliseum. Sorry about
that.
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If you're ever in a jam, here I am.
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If you ever feel so happy you land in
jail, I'm your bail.
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Friendships, friendships, just perfect
friendships.
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When all the friendships have been
forgotten, I will still be hot. La -da
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-da -la -da -dig -dig -dig.
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The night is young, the skies are clear,
and if you want to go walking, dear,
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it's delightful.
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The reason why you're sentimental.
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Cause so am I. It's delightful.
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It's delicious.
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It's lovely.
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Wherever we go.
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Whatever we do.
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They're gonna.
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better than you. No, you can't. Yes, I
can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you
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can't. Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
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Anything you can be, I can be greater.
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Sooner or later, I'm greater than you.
No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're
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not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I
am. Yes, I am.
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I can be a racer, quiet as people
chaser. I can jump a hurdle, even with
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girdle. I can do most anything.
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Can you make a pie?
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No. Neither can I.
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Any notes you can reach, I can go. I can
sing anything higher than you. No, you
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can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I
can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you
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can't.
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Oh,
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yes, you can.
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We belong to a mute too.
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opening of Panama Hattie.
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You're old enough to remember Teddy
Roosevelt and the opening of the Panama
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Canal.
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Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit. Remember I
told you my agent was coming?
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Yeah. Well, he is here.
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Where?
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Here. He's a little short, Kermit.
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He certainly is.
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He's very sensitive, so no short jokes,
okay? Okay, I'll try. Just introduce us.
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Okay.
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This is Irving Bazaar, my agent.
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Hiya, Kermit. How you doing, sweetie?
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This is an agent.
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Where's your office, Irving? In your
hat?
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Uh -huh. Very funny. Very funny. Hey,
who else do you handle? Rich Little?
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Tiny Tim?
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If I wouldn't handle you, I'd get what?
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I don't think this negotiation is going
too well.
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Hey, don't worry, sweetie posy. We got
him right where we want him.
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Oh, Hilda.
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Yes, Miss Merman. I don't wish to
complain, but there's a mouse in my
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room. Oh, yes, we'll move her tomorrow.
But for now, it's the only place she has
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to change.
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Change? Yes, she sings in the band.
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Is this a show or a zoo?
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It's a zoo.
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Perfect pitch.
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What are you taking your tea?
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Oh, milk, two sugars, one mouse, one
what?
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Mouse. Take a look.
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Oh, I may be your dish of tea, but baby
don't.
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You sugar me.
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to be sitting here with one of the
greatest performers ever to grace the
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American musical stage.
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Hey, legend.
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Oh, relax, Kermit, relax.
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And you can call me Ethel.
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But I'd like you to take it easy on that
legend and the greatest stuff.
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Sounds like a eulogy.
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After all, I'm not quite ready to go
yet.
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No, no, no, I didn't mean it like that.
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I mean, I admit that I've been around
for quite a while, but there are some...
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on this show that are older than I, like
Fozzie's jokes.
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They're right there. It just seems that
you've always been a part of the
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Broadway musical scene. I remember the
opening night of Gypsy, you know?
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Kermit, you were at the opening night of
Gypsy?
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Sure.
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Come to think of it, I did hear some
croaking in the audience.
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Excuse me, Miss Merman. I do not wish to
intrude, but I, too, am a singer of...
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What note?
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Who knows? It's always flat.
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Watch it, flipper face.
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As a sister singer, I gratefully admire
your talent, and so I would like to
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propose a toast in your honor.
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Oh, how nice of you, Miss Piggy. To
Ethel Merman, a great woman and a great
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singer whom we can all learn something
from.
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Got any tips?
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All that for one free singing lesson?
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Well... Look, Miss Piggy, let's face it.
You either got it or you ain't. And all
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the singing lessons in the world ain't
going to help you if you ain't got it.
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Now, let's hear you hit that high note
of yours again.
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Well,
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it shows promise.
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See, Kermit?
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But it's a bit subtle.
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Now, this is the way I would do it.
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Did you also make some recordings of an
air raid siren during the war?
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She and Kermit make a nice pair.
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Well, she certainly is a peach.
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We on the Muppet Show are very
interested in puppets, for some strange
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Anyway, tonight we're really delighted
to have with us a man who produces the
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world's funniest shadows.
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Here he is from Australia, our guest
puppeteer, Mr. Richard Bradshaw.
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More! More!
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Hey, wait. Look, there is more.
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Oh, good grief, they heard me.
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I met the kid for twice the price. Yeah,
well, I don't know. My love, my...
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What is that?
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Well, this is Fozzie's agent, Irving
Bazaar. We're negotiating a contract.
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Hey, how you doing, baby? Kiddo,
sweetheart, not bad looking for a big.
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to handle you?
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I already have an agent, short stuff.
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I don't want to be your agent. I just
want to handle you.
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Right now, it's time to present a comic
who, even as I speak, is in danger of
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negotiating himself right out of work.
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Ladies and gentlemen, the funniest bear
since Maxie, Mr.
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Fozzie Bear!
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Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Yes, yes,
yes.
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Oh, I get a feeling you're a great
bunch.
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Not like the audience we had last week.
They weren't an audience. They were a
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jury.
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Yeah, he's my cousin.
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Want to leave a wake -up call?
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If you don't mind, cousin, I will do the
jokes.
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Let him roll. He's funnier than you.
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Hey, will you guys hold it down up
there?
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You don't want them interrupting my act,
right?
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No, I don't want them interrupting our
sleep.
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Hey, bring on the comic.
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And the comic.
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And bring on the girls.
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This is not that kind of show.
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Then bring on the girl comic.
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Now listen, I am not going to be heckled
by some clown who just came off the
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street. I am a pro, buddy, a real pro.
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Look, okay, I'll tell you what.
Everybody, I am going to turn my back,
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I turn around again, I only want to see
real Fuzzy Bear fans in the audience.
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Okay, here we go.
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How come you two guys are still there,
huh? Did you lose your beds at the old
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fool's home?
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That's too late.
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All right, Kermit, my client won't work
unless you give him twice as much money.
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00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,900
Uh, yeah, I just saw how he handled that
audience. But to show you what a good
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guy I am, I'll give him three times as
much. We won't settle for less than four
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times as much.
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Uh... How about a compromise?
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Five times as much money. Six times as
much.
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Don't push it, Irv.
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Seven times as much.
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Eight times.
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This is my final offer. Ten times as
much as he's making now.
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You got a deal.
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Good. Oh, Irv! Irv!
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Hey, congratulations,
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kid. You're making ten times as much
money. Yeah, yeah, and I used to make
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nothing. Right.
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And ten times nothing is...
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Nothing. Yeah, right. And don't forget,
I get 10 % of that.
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You're worth every penny here.
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Could you give me a hand down, kid?
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Hey, Fozzie.
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Yeah?
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Listen, Fozzie, don't be discouraged.
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Even if you don't make a lot of money,
you're doing what you love to do.
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Just look around you.
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The costumes, the scenery, the makeup,
the props.
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The audience that lifts you when you're
down.
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The headaches, the heartaches, the
backaches, the flops. The sheriff who
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00:20:57,630 --> 00:20:59,390
scotch you out of town.
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The opening when your heart beats like a
drum.
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The closing when the customers...
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Don't come.
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I've said this before.
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But there's no business like show
business.
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Like no business, I know.
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Everything about it is appealing.
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Everything the traffic will allow.
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Nowhere could you get that happy
feeling.
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When you are stealing that extra bow
There's no
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00:21:47,580 --> 00:21:54,480
people like show people They smile when
they are
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low Yesterday they told you you would
not go far
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00:22:00,140 --> 00:22:03,320
That night you opened
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Next day on your dressing room, they've
hung a star.
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Let's go on with our show.
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There's no business like your business.
240
00:23:41,740 --> 00:23:45,220
most enjoyable by our very special guest
star, Miss Ethel Merman.
241
00:23:47,340 --> 00:23:52,120
Oh, thank you very much. This has been
the most fun I've had in a long, long
242
00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:56,940
time. You know, you really don't have to
be crazy to do this show, but it helps.
243
00:23:58,220 --> 00:24:01,360
Miss Merman, from all of us to you.
244
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:06,580
Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy. They
won't explode, will they?
245
00:24:11,660 --> 00:24:13,820
Thank you for joining us and you too out
there.
246
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:54,460
I wonder why I'm so itchy.
247
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,060
Maybe the show is starting to get under
your skin.
19813
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