All language subtitles for the_muppet_show_s01e19_twiggy

It's the Muppet Show with our very
special guest star, Twiggy.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppet on the
Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

It's time to get things started on the
most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, monetational, this is
what we do.

And what a show it is, because tonight
our special guest is a beautiful young

lady whose face is known the world over.
She only has one name but many talents,

the one and only Twiggy.

We'll be meeting her in a few minutes,
but right now let's get things swinging

on The Muppet Show.

slip through it. Uh, me too. That's why
I asked.

Okay, very nice, very nice. You guys
have come a long way since you were

dusters. Thank you. I enjoyed it ever so
much. Really, I did.

Kermit? Hmm? Kermit?

Call me kooky, call me crazy, but I
think there's a phantom of the Muppet

You're kooky, you're crazy.

No, I'm serious.

I was just up in the star's dressing
room and I saw the most ghoulish,

looking face in the closet.

It was me, clown.

I was hanging up the wardrobe.

No, no, no. After you left.

Listen, Kermit, I'm serious. There's
something here that should be looked

Yes, your head.

Phantom of the Muppet Show.

Alex Scooter, we're kind of busy right
now, but we'll keep our eyes open. I

mean, seriously, I think you've been
using your imagination too much.

If there's a Phantom of the Muppet Show,
I'm a monkey's uncle.

Anybody got a banana?

Right now, I'd like to introduce the
lovely Leafy.

Barky. No, Branchy.

Twiggy. Do I get credit for being close?

Hi, everyone.

I'd like to thank you all for coming
here today.

I really love press conferences.

I will try and answer any questions that
you might have.

Great question.

Miss Twiggy, how is it that a beautiful
girl like you only has one nose?

Eh?

Well,

I mean, that's usual, isn't it?

Yeah, so I noticed.

Twiggy, I have a serious question.

Who are the most important people in
your life? Yeah, and what about the

Love them all.

Quiggy, make my heart sing.

Yeah, well, let me hear.

Nice song.

But your pacemaker needs tuning.

Don't do that.

Don't you know that this is serious?
Everybody here is scared of the Phantom

the Muppet Show.

Kermit, you've got to do something.

Yeah, fuck. He's right. I just saw the
most terrifying face peering out from

behind the sewing machine.

Oh, that was me again, you nitwit.

No, it was after you left. Oh, kitty
cat.

Kitty cat.

Listen to me. This is ridiculous.

You've got to keep your head on your
shoulders.

That's better.

Oh, sure, sure. You can jolt all you
want. But there was something...

funny going on around here.

Fine, but there better be something
funny going on out there.

Come on, move it. All right, go, go, go.

Phantom of the Muppet Show.

What fools these Muppets be.

Right now, the ever -popular Wayne and
Wanda and their version of that great

oldie, let it snow, let it snow.

Let it snow.

Oh, let it work, let it work.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

But the fire is so delightful.

But if you've no place to go.

Funny? Ha!

There!

Ow! Oh, my nose.

Oh, thank you.

Hello, you two.

Oh, hi, Twiggy. Hey, Muffy and I here
were hoping you'd tell us a little

story. Oh, I'd love to, but what would
you like to hear?

Well, Muffy here really likes the poems
of A .A. Milne. You wouldn't know one,

would you?

No one? I've rehearsed one.

It's called The King's Breakfast.

The king asked the queen, and the queen
asked the dairymaid. Could we have some

butter for the royal slice of bread?

The queen asked the dairymaid. The
dairymaid said, Certainly.

I'll go and see the cow now, before she
goes to bed.

The dairymaid, she curtsied, and went to
see the alderney.

Don't forget the butter for the royal
slice of bread.

The Alderney said sleepily, You'd better
tell His Majesty that many people

nowadays like marmalade instead.

The dairymaid said fancy and went to Her
Majesty.

She curtsied to the Queen and she turned
a little red.

Excuse me, Your Majesty, for taking up
the liberty, but marmalade is tasty if

it's very thickly spread. The Queen
said, Oh, and went to his majesty.

Talking of the butter for the royal
slice of bread, many people think that

marmalade is nicer. Would you like to
try a little marmalade instead?

The king said.

Bother. And then he said.

Oh, deary me.

The king sobbed. Oh, deary me.

And went back to bed.

Nobody. He whimpered. Could call me a
fussy man.

I only want a little bit of butter for
my bread.

The queen said, There, there.

And then she went to the dairymaid. The
dairymaid said, There, there. And went

to the shed.

The cow said, Oh, there, there.

I didn't really mean it.

Here's milk for his forager and butter
for his bread.

Queen took the butter and brought it to
his majesty. The king said, Butter, eh?

And bounced out of bed.

Nobody. He said, as he kissed her
tenderly.

Nobody. He said, as he slid down the
banisters.

Nobody, my darling, could call me a
fussy man, but I do like a little bit of

butter to my bread.

My brother.

Oh, maybe I should marry him.

Hey, hey, you said I could leave this
time.

Okay, okay, but I thought you promised
to wear the pink taffeta.

So I lied.

What's the difference between immoral
and illegal?

Immoral is doing bad things.

Illegal is me with a tummy ache.

I didn't write it.

Thank you for letting me have this dance
with you. What did you say your name

was? Mary Louise.

One, two, three, dip. Oh!

So I've recorded three record albums,
and they're really great, but they

sold!

Uh, what do you sing, rock?

No, lullaby!

One, two, three, dip. One, two, three,
twirl.

The world's first fully automatic
psychiatric machine.

Simply insert coin in slot, step up to
machine and I will tell you what your

problem is.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, okay, now what is my problem?

You are much too generous.

What do you mean?

You also have a rotten temper.

I think that was great, right, Stadler?

Stadler, you fell.

No, my upper plate fell. I jumped after
it.

Huh, Kermit? Listen, Scooter, there are
no such things as ghosts or goblins or

phantoms.

Somebody,

help!

Hold on, what is it now?

Kermit, I just saw the most hideous,
inhuman face. For a moment, I thought it

was gone.

All I see are a bunch of Muppets
spreading mass hysteria. Now, there's no

thing as a phantom. That's final.
Period. End of report.

Kermit, Kermit. What? What has a skull
-like head, fiery green eyes, and a

horned tail?

I don't know.

I don't know either, but it's right
behind you!

You will notice that I didn't fall for
their joke.

And if it isn't a joke, I mean, if there
is someone or something behind me,

there is no doubt a logical explanation
for it. So I shall now just turn slowly

around and see what is going on here.

Pardon me, sir, but is there a logical
explanation for your presence here?

Apparently, there is no logical
explanation.

London. Mrs. Lola Thomas of that city
has just finished eating an entire

tractor.

Tell me, Mrs. Thomas, why did you do
such a thing?

Well, the doctor told me I had an iron
deficiency, you see.

I started on a couple of doorknobs and
the occasional typewriter, but there's

nothing really quite like a good bit of
diesel tractor with your chips and pee,

is there?

What an extraordinary feat.

I mean, how was it done?

Oh, a medium rare.

Is this lady making a fool of me?

She didn't make a fool of him.

Nope. He managed it all by himself.

Nothing.

Who are you?

I am Uncle Deadly, better known as the
Phantom of the Muppet Show.

Yes, sir. Well, Uncle Deadly, Phantom,
whatever do you want? I mean, I'm just a

frog, just a little harmless, little
helpless, little harmless green frog.

I never heard a fly.

Well, maybe I eat a few as a kid, but...
Enough of your horrible little jokes.

Yes, sir. You Muppets have taken over my
theater, my home.

Years ago, I was a great actor, a star.
In this very theater,

my Hamlet was acclaimed as the greatest
ever.

Yes, sir. And then I played my most
difficult role,

Othello. What opening night. I was
killed.

I'm very sorry to hear that. Who killed
you?

The critics.

Enough.

I swore I would never perform here
again, nor would anyone else.

I will drive you all from this theater.

Leave for the door.

Which way do I exit?

or be doomed.

I don't think I like those options.

Kermit, oh, Kermit, we have been looking
for you.

It was all a joke. Yeah, that's right,
Chief.

George was just trying to scare us.

Yeah, he said he found an old mask and
cape in the cellar. Can you imagine

Yeah, I was just fooling around.

There ain't no phantom. I was just
trying to scare everybody.

Well, you certainly did, and if you ever
do it again, you're out of a job.

You scared me out of about ten years'
growth, and I can't afford to get any

smaller.

Leave or be doomed!

Uh, uh, George, um, if you're down here,
uh, who's that up there?

That must be the best of all the
Muppets!

That may have been one of the greatest
performances of

my career.

Our guest star tonight was born in
London, but all you folks in Enid,

better stand by to hear a soul sister.

Ladies and gentlemen, the down -home
sound of the incomparable Twiggy.

You got a girl you love on Sunday, then
you got another on Monday. That ain't

nobody's business but my own.

Sitting by the phone waiting for your
call, you're out somewhere having a

That ain't nobody's business but my own.

Come over, stay here on them, and then
I'll hear the back door slam.

I'm tired of staying good.

but I do want to give an extra special
warm thank you to our lovely and

guest star.

Ah, thank you so much.

well every week this show looks better
to me every week your eyesight gets