All language subtitles for the_muppet_show_s01e18_vincent_price

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

The Muppet fans are sometimes really
crazy people. It's amazing.

Every crazy little walk -on character,
they know the name. So, if you want a

facts that'll impress your friends, tell
them about these characters.

Here's Wayne and Wanda. These two are an
accident -prone singing duo who were in

the pilot but only actually lasted
through the first season.

Or how about Betsy Bird?

She was a beautiful, eccentric dancing
bird who appeared in several shows, but

she never really quite took on.

Or here's Fleet Scribbler, who's an
abrasive tabloid reporter that the press

loved, but the show's writers couldn't
stand.

Muppets, banned press, reporter thrown
out by fraud.

He was soon written out of the show.

Just keep watching and you might see
Fleet and a few other unsung Muppet

on The Muppet Show.

Muppet Show with our special guest star,
Mr. Vincent Price.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the
Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Why us?

It's time to get things started. I'm the
most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, momentational. This is
what we call the Muppet Show.

very unusual edition of the Muppet Show.

Yes, things are going to be a little bit
strange tonight.

As you probably can already tell.

Be prepared for the strange, the weird,
and the scary.

Because our guest star is none other
than the crown prince of terror, Mr.

Vincent Price.

So tonight, there will be no craziness,
no slapstick, and no silliness.

Or at least not much of it.

Let the scariness begin.

I've got you.

You've got me.

Under my skin.

Under your skin.

I've got you.

You've got me?

Deep in the heart of me.

That's very true.

So deep in my heart.

Oh. You're really a part of me.

I don't want to be a part of you.

I've got you.

Under my skin.

I've tried so not to give in.

Get back down there.

I said to myself, this affair never will
go so well.

But why should you try to resist when,
darling, I know

so well I've got you under

my skin.

Just give me a chance here.

You'd sacrifice anything from what might
for the sake of having me near in spite

of a warning voice that comes in the
night and repeats and repeats in your

Don't you know, little fool?

You never can win.

Use your mentality.

Wake up to reality.

But each time I do, just the thought of
you makes me... Stop. Before you begin.

Because I've got you... You've got me.

Under my skin.

Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will

be.

That number here depends on me. Are you
sure you didn't just forget to put them

on again?

Okay, stand by for the House of Horror
sketch.

Now, calm down back there.

Hey, boss.

There's someone here wanting to
audition.

Okay, who is he?

Well, it's not exactly a he.

Okay, who is she?

Well, it's not exactly a she.

Scooter, this rather severely limits the
possibilities. Would you please explain

to yourself?

Well, it's sort of a they.

You mean there's more than one? Not
really.

This gopher is about to become a gun
for... Scooter, what are you talking

That.

Hi, Mr. Frog.

Can we be on your show?

It's a triple header.

I'm going back to the dressing room. I'm
going to the makeup room.

I'll wait here.

Of my homeland, Kermit has asked me to
do the next introduction.

We take you now to Transylvania, to a
high and

brooding hill.

We take you now to the House of Horror.

Uganda, I don't think very much of the
summer cottage you rented for us.

I don't understand it. The ad looks so
good in the paper.

What paper was that?

The Vampire Weekly.

The Vampire Weekly?

It does look kind of big for just the
two of us.

The three of us.

Four of us.

Well, at least we won't be lonely.

Someone's at the door. Someone's at the
door.

I bet it's not the welcome wagon.

Yep, it's not the welcome wagon.

Excuse me, but do you

have a room for the night?

You see, the road has washed out, and my
horse had a flat tire.

Maybe I... I must tell you, I am not
alone.

I am traveling with my beautiful
assistant and a hideously deformed

Oh, hideously deformed is right.

Watch it. I'm the beautiful assistant.

Master, I've left Alto in the coach.

Alto?

Good, good.

And now I must ask, can you tell me what
time it is?

Oh, golly, my hourglass seems to have
stopped.

Oh, this is terrible, terrible. We're in
trouble.

Why's that?

Because every night at the stroke of
midnight, The master turns into a

screaming, maniacal, demonic, raging,
bloodlusting animal.

And then I get me.

We do.

Quickly, quickly, prepare a dungeon.

Chains, manacles, bind me.

No, it's too late. It's midnight.

Uh -oh.

No, something's different.

Oh, quick, what night is it?

New Year's Eve. Oh, no, this is too
cruel, too inhuman. What, what, what is

what? Tell, tell, what, what?

On New Year's Eve, the master turns into
Jack Parnell.

The most wonderfully scary actor since
Thudge McGurk.

Thudge McGurk. I'll never forget him.
His last film was Phantom of the Soap

Opera.

Yeah, after that, he went berserk. They
say he still haunts theaters around the

world. Three eyes, green hair, long
arms, big, long, ugly fangs.

Horrible man, horrible.

bring some popcorn.

With butter.

Excuse me, Frog, aren't you all mine?

Well, the triple -header is still
waiting to audition.

Ah, well, you know, with Vincent Price
on the show, maybe a three -headed

monster might be appropriate.

Tell me, what do you guys do? We sing.
No, we dance. No, we tell jokes.

You work on television much?

Work on television much? Always.

Sometimes. Never.

I think you fellows have some problems.
Which one of you is the leader?

He is. He is. She is.

In fact, they got lots of problems.

If you're like I am, and you certainly
must be, you are appalled and shocked at

the weird, unnatural things going on
tonight.

Here, to counter all that, the very
natural, the very normal, Wayne and

But, you know, we have to get started
now.

Time once again, friends, to raise the
intellectual level of our program.

And tonight our special guest is Mr.
Vincent Price.

It's a pleasure to be with you, Kermit.

In addition to his other talents, Mr.
Price is also a great cook.

So tonight's topic for discussion is
gourmet dining.

Vincent has assembled the rest of the
panel, so I'll just let you do the

introduction, sir. All right, Kermit.
Thank you.

Well, I have asked two of my culinary
friends to join us tonight.

On your immediate right is Pierre
Lacousse, one of the world's great

A pleasure.

And next to him is Gorgon Heap, one of
the world's great eaters.

Yeah, I see.

Well, starting off now, Vincent, what
would you say is the world's most

delicious dish?

Well, Kermit, you know, haute cuisine is
so varied and wonderful, that is the

most difficult question. But if I must
choose my favorite dish, I would have to

say it is probably escalope de veau a la
estragon.

Oh, it is delicious.

Vincent, I dislike it for all France to
disagree, but for sheer magnificence,

nothing can compare to gigot or épaule
de presserlet farci. Oh, that is

delicious.

Here,

that is a fine dish.

provided that it is made in exactly the
same way that it was prepared by the

great chef Escoffier.

Yes,

listen, Pierre, there's one thing I've
always wanted to ask you.

But it's a little late now.

Uh, Vincent, who is this guy anyhow? You
look delicious.

Wait a second. Get away from me, you
hulking creep. Vincent, can you stop

please? Froggy, you have to admit you do
look tasty.

I'll tune in next week when our topic
for discussion will be... I'm a bit of a

devil, but I do love frog slayers.

to the Consumer Protection Agency.

Why? The host was just consumed.

All right, don't count on it.

Hey, this is our box, fella. Let me see
your ticket stub.

I'm going into the moving business.

Really? Locally?

No, ghost to ghost.

I'm simply starving.

Can't we stop for a bite?

Delighted, my dear.

That man is absolutely batty.

Why do you say that?

Why don't we stop and have a drink?

We can't. Why not?

They don't serve spirits here.

You know, my mother said if I worked
hard, I could get ahead.

Oh, well, here it is.

I'm looking through you.

Where did you go?

I thought I knew you. What did I know?

You don't look different, but you have
changed.

I'm looking through you. You're not to
blame.

Your lips are moving.

I cannot hear.

Your voice is soothing But the words
aren't clear You don't sound

different I've learned the game I'm
looking through you

You're not the same

Love has a nasty habit of disappearing
overnight.

You're thinking of me the same old way.

Hey, Vincent, I really thank you for
coming on the show tonight, and so do

the Muppet monsters. Well, thank you,
Kermit.

I never met a monster I didn't like.

I can believe it. Hey, you know, can I
ask you a question?

Yes, of course.

Well, you know, in all the scary movies
you've done through the years, well,

you're always turning into a vampire.

Well, how do you do that?

That is so scary.

Well, Kermit, if you will forgive the
immodesty, that is perhaps the epitome

the actor's craft.

You see, it takes tremendous
concentration, years of physical and

training, and enormous mental exertion.
Do you understand?

Why, sure.

Oh, well, some people learn faster than
others.

I thought your wife was coming tonight.

Well, the old bat couldn't come.

Well,

the rest of them sure made it.

Kermit, Kermit, Kermit.

What, what, what?

When do we go on?

Listen, I'm sorry, fellas, but there is
no place for you in the show tonight.

But what about our big song?

All right, what big song?

What else?

Tea for three.

Out, out, out!

Who writes this stuff, anyway?

Who else?

The ghost writer.

There is a Muppet News flash.

Our newsroom has been flooded with calls
today reporting that furniture all over

town has been turning into monsters.

Seven people have allegedly been
attacked by a wandering pack of sofas at

east edge of town.

A dining room table set for eight
reportedly ate the eight it was set for.

When contacted for comment, Sheriff
David Goals assured Muppet News Central

the rumor was false.

According to Goals, there is no way for
a piece of furniture to turn into a

monster.

throughout the city confirmed that such
an occurrence would be impossible.

Of course, California's inanimate
objects cannot turn into monsters.

Still, these problems will not be
forgotten.

The mass hysteria could be due to what
psychologists would call a dread fear of

the rising prices of home furnishings.

The phenomenon does seem to relate to
the cost of living in Greece during the

past month.

to relax, secure in the knowledge that
their furniture will not turn into a

monster. And that's all tonight from
Muppet News.

Good night.

Well, the last item about furniture is
ridiculous.

This is ridiculous. I can't find Hilda

anywhere.

Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to
carry this stuff up myself.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Price. Yes?

Can I give you a hand?

Oh, please.

Here.

That's my kind of joke.

Hey, guys, I hear you're not going to
make it on the show tonight.

No, Comet didn't like our song.

But it doesn't matter. We got a new act.

Oh, yeah? Oh, tell me. Tell me what's
new act.

Well, you see, I'm the straight man. And
I'm the comic. And I'm the audience.

Yeah, that way, no matter how bad we
are... We'll always love us.

Say, who was that lady I saw you with
last night? That was no lady. That was a

pawn shop sign.

You're a hit. You're a hit. You guys are
superstars. They love us. Come on,

fuzzy.

I never thought I'd be jealous of a guy
with three heads.

My youngest boy is very interested in
medicine.

Ah, he's a doctor?

No, a hospital.

Once again, dear friends, the very
eerie...

Mr. Vincent Price.

When you're down and troubled and you

need some love and care and nothing.

Nothing is going right.

Close your eyes and think of me and soon
I

will be there to brighten up even your

darkest night.

You just call out his name.

And you know, wherever you are, he'll
come running to

see you again.

Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you
have to do is

call, and I'll be there. Yes, he will,
you've got a friend.

that you've got a friend when people can
be so cold.

They'll hurt you, yes, and divert you,
and take your soul if you

let them, but don't you let them.

You just call out his name, and you know

wherever you are, he'll come running.

To see you again.

Winter, spring, summer, all.

All you have to do is fall.

And I'll be there. Yes, I will.

You've got a friend.

You've got a friend.

You've got a friend.

All I think about brings these three
proceedings to an end. Let's have a

thanks to our guest star, Mr. Vincent
Price.

Hey, Vincent, you were really super
tonight.

Hey, let's give him another hand.

Oh, no, Kermit, let me give you one.

Thanks for having me on the show.

Well, that's easy for you to say.