All language subtitles for the_muppet_show_s01e17_ben_vereen

It's the Muppet Show with our special
guest star, Mr. Ben Vereen. Woo!

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the
Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to breath upright.

It's time to raise the curtain on the
Muppet Show tonight.

I wouldn't say that the great Gonzo is
dumb, but when he graduated from school,

he didn't get a diploma, he got a
pension.

To introduce our guest star, that's what
I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Mr. Ben
Vereen.

But now let's get things started on the
Muppet Show.

Hi -oh, hi -oh, and welcome

again to the Muppet Show.

Hey, our special guest tonight is a
young man who soared to stardom on

in Pippin, had his own television
series, and is one of the really multi

-talented performers in show business.

Mr. Ben Vereen. He really moves, and
speaking of that, let's get things

right now on The Muppet Show!

But not too long ago in 1944 When every
mother's son was going off to war They

had to lift their spirits high For Uncle
Sam, motherhood, and apple pie Instead

of sending money that they didn't have
In hot spots in the Bronx They went to

hear that kind of jazz.

You're hearing funky honky -tonks. It
makes you want to jump, shout, shout,

knock yourself out.

Boogie -woogie beat is what I'm talking
about.

You have the heebie -jeebies, you can
dance away.

To the boogie -woogie music, the piano
man will play and you can jump, shout,

shout, knock yourself out.

Boogie -woogie beat is what I'm talking
about.

You can pull a switcheroonie if you felt
yourself down. With the boogie -woogie

beat of a piano man, I'm going to town.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ben Berean!

He really makes you want to jump, jump,
shout.

You want to jump, jump, shout. You want
to attack it to me now. You want to

jump, jump, shout. Float away, float
away.

The boogie -woogie music, the piano man
was playing. You want to jump, tap,

shout, tap, knock yourself out. A boogie
-woogie beat is what I'm talking about.

You can pull a switcheroonie if you felt
yourself down. With a boogie -woogie

beat and a piano man, I'm going to town.

Yeah!

I'm beginning to like this show.

Really? Yep, it's really starting to
grab me.

Something's starting to grab you.

I don't care. Next time, use a
deodorant.

Nice. Nice number.

I wear the pants in this act.

That was great. Really heft to the jive.
Hey, Kermit. Kermit, what is this?

Oh, that belongs to Marvel the Magician.
It's for next week's show. Oh, that's

very interesting.

Yeah, but Fozzie, don't go in there.

Oh, come on, Kermit. I'm a big bear. I
won't hurt anything.

Yeah, but Fozzie, don't slam that door.

I didn't slam it.

I closed it very quietly.

Yeah, and you're never going to open it
again.

What do you mean?

Well, I tried to tell you it's a trick
door. Only Marvel the Magician can open

it. But, Kermit, I have an act to do. Go
get Marvel.

I can't. He's in Toledo.

And I'm in big trouble.

Okay, right now I'd like to introduce
Ben Vereen, a blockbuster of a talent.

Did somebody say blockbuster?

Hit the dirt.

Well, there's nothing like starting off
with an explosive opening.

Hey, listen, you want to have George the
janitor clean up that mess?

Now, as I was saying, we have a real
dynamite guest tonight.

Did somebody say dynamite?

I'm beginning to get a slight headache.

Okay, will somebody throw a net over
Crazy Harry so we can get the show

Well, right now I'd like to introduce
our guest star. And you better not

interfere with his act, Crazy Harry,
because he has a short fuse.

Did someone send for a short fuse?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ben Vereen.

up in a crowd and raised his voice way
out loud, waved his

arms, and shook his leg, you'd notice
him.

If someone in a movie show yelled, fire
in the second

row, this whole place is a powder keg,
you'd

notice him.

A human being is made of more than air.

With all that bulk, you're bound to see
him there.

Unless that person is, should be...

Invisible.

Inconsequential. Me.

Cellophane. Mr.

Cellophane. Should have been my name,
Mr.

Cellophane. You can look right through
me, walk right by me,

and never know I'm there.

Name, Mr.

Cellophane.

You never know I'm there, I tell you.

Cellophane, Mr.

Cellophane. Cellophane, my name, Mr.

Cellophane. You can walk right by me,
look right through me.

I didn't take up too much of your time.

I think the guests that come on this
show should get combat pay.

What about us?

Well, we're volunteers.

Maybe you are. I was drafted into this
chicken outfit.

It's no use, Fozzie.

I don't think we'll ever get this thing
open before the end of the show.

Oh, I feel awful.

Well, that's the way it goes.

Well, I feel so sorry for everyone.

How do you mean?

Well, they'll all be so disappointed
when you tell them that today's show is

canceled.

Canceled? Yeah, well, obviously you
cannot do the show without me.

Fozzie, how shall I break this to him?
What?

Fozzie, there is one alternative to
canceling the show.

Oh, there is, yeah?

Well, we can replace you.

You take these things kind of hard.

Here's a Muppet news bulletin.

Dateline, New Brunswick. Mr. Melvin
Cosgrove climbed a 30 -foot pole and

scrambled onto a 6 -by -6 -foot
platform.

His goal?

To break the world's record in flagpole
sitting.

That was 16 years ago, and yesterday his
wife started wondering how Cosgrove was

doing, especially since he was 84 years
old when he started.

We already climbed the pole this morning
and found that he had indeed passed

away.

As a fitting tribute to her brave
husband, Mrs. Cosgrove announced that

next 10 days, she will fly him at half
-mast.

I, uh, picked up a hitchhiker the other
day.

Oh, really?

Yes, well, it's only right. I was the
one who knocked him down.

Tell me, do you like bathing beauties?

I don't know. I've never bathed one.

You know, last week my cousin was seen
on television by 30 million people.

Oh, what is he, a rock star?

No, a football.

You know, I really got my eye on

Kidding, they're my favorite singing
group.

No, these are the other Rolling Stones.

Thank you

You know, it's really great to have you
on the show.

Ben, you're just a bungle of energy.

Yeah, well, as a dancer, I try to keep
in shape.

Oh, you're telling me.

I've seen you dancing on Broadway and
television and movies.

You must work out a lot, huh?

Well, yes.

Because you see, Kermit, as a dancer,
your body is one of the most important

things you have.

Did you ever... Not to think, where
would you be without your, um, your

Uh, no, no, I never asked myself that,
but it's a darn good question.

You see, as a dancer, I've got to be
able to go to a leap with great

power. Did somebody say explosive power?

No!

Nice leap.

Well, time for a tea break.

All right.

Literal chap, isn't he?

Kermit? Kermit?

Kermit? Oh, Kermit. Hey, you can't do
the show without me.

Well, Fozzie, what choice have I got?

But a Muppet show without Fozzie Bear?
It's like Gilbert without Sullivan.

Ham without cheese.

Poker without hunters.

Poker without hunters? Yeah.

What's a poker?

I know, I know. That's a poker. Will you
guys get out of here?

See? Even in a box, I'm funny. You need
me. The show needs me, Kermit.

Who cares about a frog?

I'm stuck.

Now, Veterinarians Hospital, the
continuing story of a former orthopedic

who's gone to the dogs.

Hudson Ralston on the railroad with the
brawler brawler suet.

Mr. Paul, you can't sing at a time like
this. I'm not singing at a time like

this. I'm singing Hudson Ralston.

An oldie but goodie.

How'd I ever get myself into this
sketch?

Take it easy, George.

Dr. Bob, the patient is sinking.

Well, I wonder what he is sinking about.

Come on, laugh it up, nurse. These are
the jokes.

The only joke around here is you, Dr.
Bob. This patient needs your assistance.

Well, you're my assistance, but what
he's going to do with the two of you,

never know.

Look,

either give me some help or let me out
of here.

Well, what seems to be your trouble?

I keep breaking out in a cold... Sweat.

Oh, well, I see. You have a clear case
of pen transit phobia.

Huh? That's a dread fear of traveling
through the state of Pennsylvania.

Joke, Dr. Bob.

You've dedicated yourself to saving
lives.

You're right. I saved six lives this
week.

By operating?

No, by not operating.

Dr.

Bob, you've given this hospital a bad
name.

You're right.

Fred is a terrible name for a hospital.

I'll have to give it a better name. How
about Eunice?

This is impossible.

Do you have a license?

Of course. Every dog has a license.

The leash walls are really rough.

You dummy.

I mean, do you have a license to
practice?

Yes, and I'm going to practice on you
right now.

Bongos. Bongos, Dr. Bob.

Bongos?

Dr. Bob is about to begin his bongo
practice.

Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse
Piggy say, Dr.

Bob, it's too late. You've lost him.
Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was

under the sheet just a second ago.

My uncle's into poetry. He loves Edgar
Guest. Why?

Why else? He's a guest house.

Ben, how are you enjoying the show?

Uh,

Hilda, I'm getting such a big charge out
of it.

You say you want a big charge?

No!

getting a little tired of this.

Once again, it is my great pleasure to
introduce Wayne and Wanda and their

stirring version of I'll Know.

I'll know when my love comes along.

Ay -yi -yi -yi.

Wait!

At least, Fozzie, you will be glad to
know that the show

is dying without you. Oh, really?

Would I lie?

Dear Scooter, they love me. Me, the
great Gonzo. Boy, that's the greatest

we've ever done.

Little dork of the show.

Six hours.

See you, babushka.

Hilda! Hilda!

Fozzie? Hilda? Fozzie, is that you?

Who's that?

That's Kermit, the frog.

Kermit! Hey, listen, I've decided not to
cut you from the show.

Oh, thank you, Kermit.

Okay, get him on stage.

Well, folks, here comes the act you've
all been waiting for, the Muppet Show's

own great comedian.

Here he is now, feeling a little, uh,
cagey tonight.

But nevertheless, still the old master
of birth, Mr.

Fozzie Bear!

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, it's really great to be here.

I spent the whole day at the doctor. I
said, Doc, it hurts when I do this. He

said, Don't do that.

Are you laughing?

It's hard to hear.

Then the doctor said, have you ever had
this before? I said, yes. He says, well,

you got it again.

Thank you. Thank you. You've been a
wonderful audience.

folks, once again, Mr. Ben Vereen.

Oh, boy.

This place is so dull.

I hate it here.

It's so dull.

Hi,

Drew.

Oh, hi, Ben. Hey, look. I can take you
out of this place.

Oh, no, thanks. I'm not allowed to cross
the street. Oh, no, no. That's not what

I mean.

Listen.

Come with me and you'll be in a world

of pure imagination.

Take a look and you'll see into your

imagination.

We'll begin with a spin traveling in a
world

of my creation.

What we'll see will defy explanation.

If you want to view paradise, simply
look around

and view it.

Anything you want, do it.

You want to change the world? There's
nothing to it.

There is no...

Life I know.

To compare to pure imagination.

Living there you'll be free. If you
truly

wish to be.

If you want to view paradise,

simply look around and view it.

Anything you want to do it.

Want to change the world? There's
nothing to it.

There is no life I know to compare with
your imagination.

Living there, you'll be free if you
truly...

Wish to be.

Come with me.

Gee, you sure have some imagination,
Ben.

Okay, well, that about puts a lid on it
for this week. We'd like to thank our

special guest star, Mr. Ben Vereen!

Hey, Kevin, you know, I'll... Thank you.
I've done a lot of shows in my time,

but this has been one of the craziest.

Hey, Kermit! Kermit! Ben! Ben! Hey, I'm
out! I'm out! Fuzzy, how'd you get out

of the cage?

I'm crazy. Harry blew it up. It hurt a
little bit, but, you know, I'm okay.

Well, Fuzzy, I just thought the show was
just dynamite. Yeah.

Did dynamite take dynamite? No!

Fantastic show. Brilliant show.

By the way, your pants are on fire.