All language subtitles for the_muppet_show_s01e13_harvey_korman

It's the Muppet Show with our special
guest, our Mr. Harvey Korman.

It's time to play the music. It's time
to fight the fight.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the
Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the
Muppet Show tonight.

My house is so dirty, my dog buries his
bones in the living room carpet.

I don't understand it either.

To introduce our guest star, that's what
I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Mr. Harvey
Korman!

But now let's get things started on the
Muppet Show.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello,

everybody, and welcome to the Muppet
Show.

Hey, we've got a great show for you
tonight, and our special guest is one of

funniest people in the business, Harvey
Korman.

But right now, we'd like to open the
show tonight on a high note.

Well, that's better than opening it with
a bang.

Did somebody say bang?

No. Oh,

you can't win them all.

Can you hold it down up there, please?

Right now, let's get things started with
Dr.

Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

Yeah, it isn't Dr. Dean for that time.
Who did it?

Three, four.

I'm gonna blow that atom bomb.

Oh, ring of souls.

I'm gonna blow that atom bomb.

I've always liked pantomime.

That wasn't pantomime. Your hearing aids
busted again.

You're right.

I thought some of you might like to know
a little bit more about our drummer,

whom we affectionately refer to as
Animal.

Animal.

That's his name, actually.

Animal, why don't you tell our audience,
how long have you been playing the

drums?

One,

two.

Five. Five years, huh? Five.

Yes, okay. Well, I guess your drums mean
a great deal to you, huh? Oh, yeah.

Oh, nice.

You like them more than food, I guess,
huh?

They are food.

Eat drums, eat nipples.

How symbolic.

Bad pun.

Yeah. Listen, I imagine you have a lot
of idols.

Oh, yeah.

Buddy Rich.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Gene Krupa. Yeah, Krupa, Krupa.

Tony Checkers.

He's our new drummer. He begins next
week.

Then again, maybe not.

My insides are killing me.

Oh, ulcers?

No.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present now
what is considered to be the most

animal act in the entire world, the
incomparable Harvey Korman, better known

Maurice the Magnificent.

Thank you, Duffy.

Be quiet.

You don't know.

The thing goes berserk when it hears
loud noises.

I hate this.

But let's get it over with.

Open the cage!

It's particularly vicious this evening.

What a horrible animal.

It's very important. When he comes out,
don't anyone scream.

All right.

Out! Out, you demon! Out!

Someone check the first row. I think the
lady fainted.

Listen to me.

Give me your full attention.

Speak. Speak, you demon, speak.

I hardly know where to begin.

I was rereading balls at you.

Only in translation.

Enough!

You're very good with that whip, Morris.

What? Morris is such a good animal
trainer.

He's got so much patience and courage
and persistence.

Shut up, you black -hearted hellhound!

And love. What a sweet name.

Get away from me!

Get away!

My boy, listen to me.

I hate it. Listen,

boy. I want you to dance.

Dance, you demon, dance.

Come on, dance.

Move it.

Dance, ballerina, dance.

Move it.

More lyrics. That's it. This is really
an easy trick. I wanted to ride a pony

around the stage, but Boris is afraid of
ponies. What are you doing?

intellectual level of the program as we
address ourselves to the topic, what is

the meaning of life? Indeed. Of course.

It's a fairly simple subject.

Let's start off with our guest panelist,
Mr. Harvey Korman.

Sure. I think that life is a great deal
like a tennis game.

Oh, no, it isn't.

Oh, yes, it is.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is. No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.

and a pig's eye in it.

You're not just trying to slam at me.

The ball is in your court, Harvey. The
score is pig five, guess nothing.

Well, it's the first time that pig
scored in her life.

Now, can we have a little order here,
please?

Oh, yeah, I'll have a ham and cheese on
rye. That is the most insulting thing I

ever heard. Listen, life is a garbage
dump if you want the truth. I think that

my original analysis that life is a
tennis game will stand up.

Well, I'm standing up. Please, sit down.
Sit down. You really think life is like

a tennis game?

It's a pig park.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, yes, I agree.

Life is like a tennis game, but as clear
as the nose on your face. That's some

honker you got there.

How would you like a pig knuckle set
with you?

Please, please.

We are digressing. We are digressing.

Can we at last get back to the issue,
and the issue is life?

Oh, I have the last issue of life. What?

And before they stop publishing.

It'll be worth a pretty penny.

Hey, I knew a pretty penny once. Penny
Ferguson used to be a dancer.

I love to dance.

Hey, what are you doing after this show?

I've got a date.

Oh, well.

That's life.

Once again, we solved the problem. We
did. We solved it.

Join us again next week when our subject
will be, is conversation a dying art?

can get quite an education watching this
show.

Are we watching the same show?

Oh, my beloved George, even though we
come from two different worlds, I find

myself strangely attracted to you. Yeah,
I feel the same way.

You mean you're attracted to me? No.

To me.

Weird, huh?

How do you think I'd look in a pork pie
hat?

Oh, no, you couldn't. It'd be like
wearing one of our relatives.

Hey, you want to come over to my place
and listen to the Beatles?

Oh, I love their music.

What music? I mean real Beatles.

And some termites and such.

Why does that guy have a swelled head?

Conceited, huh?

No, he's just got a swelled head. Look
out!

Hi, Harvey.

Hey, you know what? You know, we've been
up all night worrying about ecology.

I'm right in the middle of a show. I
don't have time to worry about ecology.

That's easy for you, but if all those
trees go, we're in big trouble.

It's really great working with dogs.

Let's jam!

JAM!

Are you enjoying the show, Harvey?

Well, I don't know.

Oh, that's funny. You know, when I ask
that, most of our guest stars say

having a great time.

Yeah, well... Aren't you having a great
time?

No, Kermit, you and I are good friends,
aren't we? You want me to tell you the

truth, don't you? Well, only if you're
having a great time.

Otherwise, you have my permission to lie
like crazy.

I've got to tell you how I feel.

All right, says the frog, preparing
himself to face the music. What is the

problem?

The major problem is that... I'm the
only human being on this show.

How's that again?

You heard me.

I'm the token person around here.

Gee, you've never had that complaint
before.

Yeah, well, you got it now.

How'd you like to sit around the
dressing room surrounded by dogs and

pigs and chickens?

I've never really thought about it.
Yeah, well, think about it. I mean, on

shows, you get stage fright.

Here you get hoof and mouth disease.

Gee, Harvey, I didn't realize you
disliked dogs and frogs and pigs and

I like dogs and frogs and pigs and
chickens. The point is I just feel funny

about being the only human being here.
Don't you understand?

Oh, oh, well, I can fix that. Hey, guys,
come on in.

Wait a minute, take care.

Wait a minute, stop. Wait, no, move.

Wait a minute, please.

Piggy, please, I'm sick of this.

Does it make you feel better, Harvey?

I'm sorry, I don't have time to talk
now, Kermit.

I've got to get backstage and lay an
egg.

Well, to me, there's nothing funny about
chickens.

And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.

The continuing story of a former
orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the

Anesthetic. Anesthetic, Dr. Bob.

Is this operation really necessary?

Scalpel. No, suture, suture.

Suture, suture, there.

Scalpel. Scalpel, Dr. Bob. How long have
you been a nurse? Well, uh, what time

is it?

Dr.

Bob, you're... My hand is shaking.
What's the trouble?

That's my nerves. I'm overworked and
underpaid. This is my tenth operation

today. The hours are in turmoil. Yes,
but we must get on with this operation.

This man has a bad case of hiccups. It
must be gas.

Gas? Oh, he's in bad shape.

He's in bad shape? What about me?
Doesn't anybody ever think about me?

We're losing time, Dr. Bob.

So, I'm losing my mind.

Practice, and all you can say is, but
Dr. Bob.

But Dr. Bob. I told you, I told you, I'm
so on edge, I'm about to explode.

So Dr.

Bob is going to pieces, and so is his
patient.

Tune in next week when you'll hear the
nurse say.

Dr. Bob, you've got to pull yourself
together.

I'll try.

Not you, him.

I'd better quit while I'm ahead.

I get a tear in my eye when I introduce
this next act.

Oh,

oh, there's one right there, you see?

Because they represent to me the very
best this show has to offer. Indeed, the

very best this country has to offer.

So here they are now, just as sweet
offstage as they are on, Wayne and

Oh, I need a hanky.

I get no kick from...

Get out of this chicken outfit.

What do you want?

What?

What?

Okay,

time once again for that furry, fuzzy,
funny man, fabulous, freewheeling, fast

and frantic, Fozzie Bear!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Not so fast. Tonight, I am going to use
your assistance.

Oh, yeah?

Yes, sir. You and I... are going to tell
the world's funniest joke.

This is all spontaneous, unrehearsed.
Right, Froggy? It's unrehearsed, yes.

Okay, okay.

Now, Frog of my heart, you will just
wait until I say the word here.

When you hear me say the word here, you
will rush up to me and say, Good grief,

the comedians are bare.

Good grief, the comedians are bare.

When you say the word here. Right.

Gotcha. Okay, here we go.

Ready? Okay, here we go.

Now then, hi -ya, hi -ya, hi -ya.

You're a wonderful looking audience.
It's a pleasure to be here.

Good grief, the comedians are back.

You just said here. That was the wrong
here.

Which is the right here?

The other here.

Go, go, go.

Hey, hey, folks.

This is a story you're going to love to
hear. Good grief, the comedians are

back.

You will know when I point to you.

All right, don't grumble.

Say, a funny thing happened to me on the
way to the theater.

At the stage door, I passed a bunch of
Muppet fans, and suddenly I hear...

Good grief, the comedian's a bear.

No, he's a gnat. He's a wearer and a
neckatine.

Did you understand that joke?

No, but I don't speak Italian.

Here's a Muppet news flash.

Middleweight champion Carl Boomer says
that since he has defeated all

challengers in the middleweight ranks,
he will defend his title next week

against himself.

We go now to Boomer's training camp.
Tell us, Carl, do you think this will be

tough fight?

Well, Muppet reporter, it will probably
be one of my toughest.

But I think I will be able to knock
myself out in the tenth round.

For the first few rounds, I will work on
my body blows.

Then I'll go for my head.

Carl's body may last two rounds, but I
think his head has already gone down for

the count.

That way down the stairs is a stair
where I sit There

isn't any other stair quite like it

I'm not at the bottom, I'm not at the

top So this is the stair where I always

stop

Halfway up the stairs, isn't up and
isn't down. It

isn't in the nursery, it isn't in the
town.

And all sorts of funny thoughts run
round

my head.

It isn't really anywhere, it's somewhere
else

instead.

Halfway down the stairs is a stair where
I sit.

There isn't any other stair quite like

it. I'm not at the bottom.

I'm not at the top.

is the stair where I fall.

we can squeeze into a half hour for this
week. We've had a great time and we'd

especially like to thank our very
talented guest star, Chicken Little.

Now stop it. Oh, sorry about that. Mr.

Harvey Kormas. And we'll see you all
next week on The Muppet Show.

Well, the show tonight certainly didn't
lay an egg. Rock!