All language subtitles for the_muppet_show_s01e06_paul_williams

Muppet Show with our special guest star,
Mr. Paul Williams.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the
Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Another show, another headache.

It's time to get things started.

Great show for you tonight. Our special
guest is Mr. Paul Williams, singer,

composer, actor, and all -around good
guy.

And we're not going to do any jokes
about his size.

But he's such a cute little fellow,
we're going to make him an honorary

But right now, let's get things started
with a musical number done up in a brand

new way, All of Me.

Take my arm.

me with eyes that cry here take them too
how can i go on deal

without you you took the part

In your chest?

Here, here, let me give you a hand.

You took the part that once was my
heart.

I hear the cannons roar.

No, Harker, the cannons roar.

Hi, Fass. What's wrong? You look
worried.

Well, see, it's my new act. I hope it
worked.

Oh, come on. You're the greatest.

Yeah? Yeah, you're always good.

Besides, you're on soon. Now is no time
to panic.

Oh, well, see, I got ten minutes of
jokes here on the War of 1812.

Now is the time to panic.

Listen, if you're really in trouble, why
don't you just use the old telephone

pole bit?

The old telephone pole bit? Oh, yeah,
it's the best.

Well, I don't know it. It's a classic.

It's a classic? Yeah. Oh, terrific. I
can use it. Tell me, what is it? Okay,

curtain's open. The curtain's open. The
audience is there. The audience is

there. There we are together. There we
are together.

Hold it. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

We? Again.

No, you don't understand.

I see.

I am a stand -up bear.

Uh -huh. Yeah, yeah.

I, I work alone.

I tell the jokes on stage alone.

No, no, no. You don't tell jokes in the
telephone pole, bit.

Why not?

Well, you're the telephone pole.

Cute. Cute idea.

We'll see.

Okay, right now, friends, it is my great
pleasure to introduce one of the most

talented people in our business, and
it's a real treat to have him with us on

The Muppet Show, Mr. Paul Williams.

Just an old -fashioned love song playing
on the radio.

And wrapped around the music is the
sound of someone promising they'll never

You'll swear you've heard it before as
it slowly rambles on and on. No need in

bringing them back because they've never
really gone.

the phone listen to each evening when
the lights are low

to underscore our love affair with
tenderness and

feeling that we've come to know you'll
swear

you've heard it before as it slowly
rambles on and on no need in bringing

back they've never

race. What race is that?

The 100 -yard dash.

Welcome to Muppet Labs, where the future
is being made today.

Folks, let me take just one moment of
your time to acquaint you with a

fascinating new product.

It's Muppet's all -purpose tenderizer.

Now, you can use it on all sorts of
dishes. For example, dishes like this

here.

Well, that's one of the problems with
dishes, isn't it? They do tend to break.

But if you had used all -purpose
tenderizer in such fashion as this, your

dish would have been as tender as this.

Oh, it sets me all aquiver.

Well, it's lovely.

And what it does for dishes, it can do
for utensils, too. Watch.

Only take the second.

So there it is.

Muppet's all -purpose tenderizer. It's
new from Muppet Labs.

Okay,

who's the smarty pants who tenderized
the table? I mean it.

Science, huh?

They can put a man on the moon.

Yeah, but they can't put a moon on a
man.

Silence. A poem by Ralph.

That's me.

Silence. Hear the nothingness.

Listen to the quietness of everlasting
space.

Down the winding velvet corridors of
time it sweeps.

And sweeps.

And sweeps.

And sweeps away the sound of creatures
crying in the night.

Creatures crying in the night. And cry
we must, for we have tasted the

fruit.

But lo, lo the faceless name.

Faceless name, the nameless face is
whispered.

But overall, the blessed silence falls.
Sweet serpentines of silence

singing their sad song.

Out of the silence and dark, we build
the music.

of emptiness drumming in our ears.

Will you all get out of

here?

But in, in the end, all

is silence, quiet, silent ways, all
still.

You know, when they asked me to do the
show, I was delighted. I mean, this is a

great show to do.

I have a special reason for being very
excited. You see, except for me, the

entire cast is Muppets.

Muppets are little, tiny things.

For the first time in my life, no one
will make jokes about how short I am.

the first time in my life, I am the
tallest person on this show.

For the first time in my life, I will
cry in front of 30 million people.

I am a telephone pole.

Patsy, what are you doing?

It's my new activist scooter. I'm
practicing to be a telephone pole.

That's ridiculous.

You don't look like a telephone pole.

No one would believe you were a
telephone pole.

I am a landman for the county.

On the other hand, what do I know about
telephone poles?

I'll be darned. You say that's your boy?

How could you have a son that age?

I didn't. When I had him, he was just a
baby.

Oh, how do I love thee? Let me count the
ways. You are more beautiful than the

summer days.

You know, there's a lot of hair in you.

That man is annoying me.

He isn't even looking at you.

That's what's annoying me.

That's very kind of you, Kermit. Thank
you. Yeah, and you know what? You're not

going to hear any jokes about your being
little bitty and small and cute and all

that sort of thing like you are. You're
not going to hear that coming from me.

You're probably.

No. That's little guys got to stick
together. Oh, yeah. Listen. And besides

that, there have been a lot of famous
people who were small in size.

It's true. Sure. Like Napoleon.

Truman Capote.

Mickey Rooney.

Tom Thumb.

Not to mention the legendary Wally
Blattner.

Wally Blattner, a favorite.

Wally Blackman. Who is Wally Blackman?

Oh, he invented the elevator shoe.

The elevator boot?

Mm -hmm. Lifts, right? Right, right.

Whatever happened to old Wally?

Well, one day somebody pressed his down
button and he was never seen again.

Down button. Oh, I get it. You mean
he... That's terrible.

That's terrible.

Yeah, if you think that was terrible,
what about the 12 people who were riding

with him?

That's a ludicrous story.

I mean, even told by a frog. That's
ridiculous.

Really? Hey, do you wear lifts?

Sometimes, yeah.

Oh, yeah? Going up.

Now Paul is someone everybody can look
up to.

I am a telephone pole.

I am made of solid wood. I am a
telephone pole. I am made of solid wood.

I am too talented for my own good.

Will you please?

Yes, ma 'am. You are confirmed. Two
tickets to New York City.

Hello?

Hello. I want to go to Pittsburgh. I can
send you to Pittsburgh first class on a

supersonic jet for $764.

You got anything cheaper?

I can send you to Pittsburgh coach class
on a subsonic jet for $511.

You got anything cheaper?

I can send you to Pittsburgh Excursion
Economy, an old prop job for about $3

.98. You got anything cheaper?

Yeah, I can send you to Pittsburgh
Standing Room Only on a broken down old

for about $75.

You got anything cheaper?

Yeah, I think I can work something out
for you, pal.

Hey, Charlie, you want to mail this to
Pittsburgh?

My mother is very

religious. She's a fanatic? No, she's a
church.

And here they are now, my kind of
people, Wayne and Wanda.

when a retired shoe salesman recently
had a most unusual experience, and we at

Muppet News Central feel it is a story
that should be shared with everyone.

Here in his own words is Mr. Stockman to
tell you of this most bizarre event.

Well, it was about a week ago, and I was
sitting at home watching television.

It must have been about 9 o 'clock.

Suddenly the phone rang.

Well, I picked it up, but there wasn't
anybody there.

So I hung up.

And then I went back to watching the
television.

Darnedest thing.

Whenever unusual events occur, you'll
hear it first on Muppet News.

Boy, I'm going to be really interested
in that. That's private business here,

Scooter. That's all right. Oh, and by
the way, you guys are really going to do

the old telephone pole bit? That's all
right, Chief.

Lots of luck.

Scooter, I won't do it. What?

I just found out what the telephone pole
bit is, and I will not do it. Oh, come

on. Fozzie, come on. We're on now.

Besides, we'll be terrific.

Scooter, we will not be terrific. We
will die out there. Die. Of course we're

not going to die. What makes you think
we're going to die?

Just a hunch.

Well,

folks, we got a little something
different for you tonight in the old

spot. Our own Fozzie Bear is being
joined by our... gopher scooter, and

they are doing that classic comedy
sketch, the telephone pole bet.

Hello, and what's your name?

Mike Eisnowitzki. Oh, so you're the
telephone pole.

Huh? Good old spot.

He's never been better. Or shorter.

Same difference.

That's a sad song. That used to be our
song.

The one you just played.

I wonder if I'd say what we'd be doing
now.

Yeah, but part of being people is a
never

-changing mind.

We don't mean...

To be unkind, we just grow.

That's a sad song that used to be our
song.

And oh, she sang it too.

And every word rang true.

Like a bell somehow.

When I ran off, chasing vision.

Emotions made me blind.

Like a fool, I left behind an angel's
glow.

So play one more time. That sympathy

in rhyme.

Let those old familiar feelings not
show.

Thank you, Kermit. I've loved every
minute of it, little guy.

Except,

of course, for the parts that I hate it.

Sorry about that, Paul.

Hey, but we'll see you all next time on
The Muppet Show!

Oh, it's good for what ails me.

Well, what ails you?

Insomnia.