All language subtitles for the_muppet_show_s01e05_joel_grey

Muppet Show with tonight's guest star,
Mr. Joel Gray.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the
Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the
Muppet Show tonight.

house we use paper plates and every
night after dinner my wife erases the

to introduce our guest that's what i'm
here to do so

it really makes me happy to introduce to
you mr joel

Our show tonight will feature some stuff
that looks like this.

Now let's get things started.

like to see 4 ,000 woodpeckers
performing an aerial ballet while 87

two dozen elephants do the dance of the
sugarplum fairy?

Well, forget it, because instead we've
got Joel Grey as the guest star, which

a way is like having all the excitement
of everything I mentioned without having

to clean up afterwards.

But right now, let's get things rolling
on The Muppet Show, where we have comedy

tonight.

No complications. No complications.

Nothing. Potentious or polite.

Normal. Nothing but normal.

No recitation to recite.

No recitation.

No recitation.

No recitation.

Well,

it's true. It's speeding along very
quickly this evening. Oh, yes.

Someone must have told him it's harder
to hit a moving target.

I recommend.

Oh, hi there, Fozzie. Hey, listen, you
better go get ready. Go in the dressing

room and get ready, okay, Jim?

Dressing room. I had a dressing room so
small, all the mice were hunchbacked.

Please, Fozzie, no jokes right now. I'm
a tired frog.

Tired frog.

I knew a frog who got so tired, he fell
asleep during his nap.

Fozzie, what is this?

Oh, see, it's my new act. It's jokes on
any subject.

You tell the subject, and the bear does
the joke on it. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go

ahead. Go ahead.

Fuzzy, please.

Please. Take my wife. Please.

Fuzzy, why don't you just go in the
dressing room and get ready, okay?

Dressing room.

I had a dressing room so small. I heard
it.

Oh. But what do you think about the act,
Frog?

Well, Fuzzy, it's got possibilities.

Ah. Yeah. Why don't you work on it? Oh,
boy.

Alone.

Oh.

Alone. Alone.

This bear was left alone.

Would you be interested in seeing the
five temptations?

Could you just show me a couple? I'm not
as young as I used to be.

Two, three, four. Two, three, four.

You know, George, I come from a very old
family.

Mine's older.

Oh, really? How old?

My family's so old it's been condemned.

Boy,

my brother's really something.

He's got girls eating out of his hand.

Oh?

Is he a lover?

No, a waiter.

I'm really stuck on you.

Oh, how sweet. You love me?

No, I'm just stuck on you.

There's a Muppet Blue flag.

Dateline, New York City. A former circus
daredevil who billed himself as Boffo

the Human Cannonball fired himself out
of a cannon yesterday into a crowd of

holiday shoppers.

Fortunately, there were no injuries to
the passersby.

Boffo was not so lucky.

Said his wife, the former Mrs. Boffo, I
guess I'll just have to pick up the

pieces and live my life.

It is with great pride and pleasure that
yours truly, Kermit the Frog,

introduces the international star of
stage and screen, Mr. Joel Gray.

Thank you, Kermit.

I can't tell you what a pleasure it is
for me to be here, appearing in the

Muppet Cabaret.

Never have I entertained in such a place
before.

So unusual.

So bizarre, the most incredible
nightclub by far.

Ladies and gentlemen. Good evening.

Bonsoir. Good evening.

You sweet broacher, come here.

I am your host.

I am your guest.

Gotcha. This home is never new. Well,
I'm in

cabaret for cabaret to cabaret.

Here, life is beautiful.

The customers are beautiful.

Even the orchestra is beautiful. Have
you ever seen such a beautiful

This is a beautiful.

If your standards aren't too high.

maybe, but more than 2 ,000 people
attended his final performance.

Yes, yes.

Half of them brought the tar and the
rest brought the feather.

Hiya, Hilda.

Oh, hello, Fuzzy.

Fuzzy, have you seen my glasses?

Glasses, glasses.

I knew a minister once who was so
religious, when he read the Bible, he

stained glasses.

What is this?

Oh, it's my new act. See, jokes on any
subject.

Yeah, pretty good, huh? Nothing stops
the old fuzzy bear.

I wish something would.

Oh, would, would. Two bears going to the
woods. And never mind, I found my

glasses.

Found, found, found.

Well, Joel, you know, I can't... I just
can't tell you how pleased we are to

have you with us here tonight. Thanks
very much, Jimmy. You know, I understand

that you come from an old show business
family, don't you, Joel? Yes, actually,

I do. You appeared on stage at the ripe
old age of 10, huh?

Yes. Yeah, I understand you were also
born in Cleveland, Ohio, but now you

in New York with your wife, Jo, and your
two children, Jimmy and Jennifer.

plus three cats, two dogs, a turtle, and
three frisbees. How'd you know all

that? Yeah, let me ask you something.
Well, now that you're with us, why don't

you just tell us a little about
yourself?

Actually, there's not much left to tell.

Oh.

Boy, what a dull guest.

Oh, my foot. Why, that young man is one
of the all -time greats. You hear me?

One of the greats. Well, you'll get no
argument from me on that.

Well, it may be the first time we ever
agreed on anything in our lives. No. We

once agreed in the summer of 1912, yes.

What was that? We agreed that Kaiser
Bill looked silly in a hat.

Remember?

No.

Ah, Turkey, land of my dreams.

All the Turkish delights, the Turkish
women, the coffee, the towels.

In every way, my heart belongs to
Turkey.

But lo, what lovely eastern maiden
approaches.

Pakalapaka.

Pakalapaka.

Pakalapaka. They whisper it all over
Turkey.

Pakalapaka.

Pakalapaka. It sounds so romantic and
turkey.

I know that phrase will make me thrill
always, for it reminds me of you, my

sweet.

Just a mention of that tender word of
love gives my heart a

jerkish, turkish beat.

I won't face people or l 'amour
toujours, for they

can't express what I'm feeling.

Even there's a dope.

or other foreign quotes don't seem to be
quite so appealing.

But Pacal Africa, Pacal Africa takes me
back with

you to passionate desert seas.

And it's serious day till the very day
we find out what

Pacal Africa means.

We find out what...

To ensure that the quality and moral
content of this show is above reproach,

Sam the American Eagle, am proud to
present the singing duet of Wayne and

Besides being tremendous singers,
They're church people.

Don't know why There's no sun up in the
sky

Stormy weather

As

soon as they roll wet.

You have got to do something about that.
That fuzzy bear.

Yes, he's driving us bananas.

Yeah, if you don't stop with those jokes
on any subject, I'll kill him.

I tell you guys, I don't really know
exactly what to do about it.

Shh, here he comes.

Well, now, that's a thought. See, if you
don't like his jokes, don't say

anything. Oh.

How you doing, Kermit? How you doing,
George?

How you doing, George?

silent treatment, huh? Gonna be quiet on
Fozzie, huh?

Uh, it'd be quiet, quiet, quiet.

Yeah. I know a town that was so quiet,
when someone turned the lights off,

everybody yelled, what was that?

No, no.

She had yes, yes in her eyes, but no
no's on her face.

Uh, tell you, Fozzie. Yeah, terrific,
huh? Yeah. Well, these jokes of yours

starting to bug everybody.

Bug, bug, bug. Oh, bug out.

Bug out.

What kind of joke is that?

Well, that was no joke, Fozzie.

That was my wife.

My joke?

Hey, why the hat?

I got my new car outside.

Gonzo, you want to go for a spin?

Sure.

Gonzo. Hey.

Relax, relax.

I didn't mean actually go for a spin.
It's just a phrase like you don't

bite the hand that feeds you, do you?

I mean, one doesn't eat one's heart out,
does one? I mean, one doesn't talk

through one's hat.

I hope not. I can talk for myself.

I think I'm going bananas.

I thought you were going for a spin.

You're in for a special treat tonight,
folks, as Fozzie Bear, the comedy star

our show, displays his ready wit and
nimble mind in a test of comedy that

stump the best.

You just name a subject, and Fozzie Bear
will instantly give you a joke.

So here he is.

anything, any word, any subject, and I,
Fozzie Bear, will hit you with a great

joke about it. Don't be afraid. Just
yell them out, and I'll yell them back.

Come on.

Amoeba.

Huh?

Why do you say amoeba?

Uh, amoeba. Sorry, no foreign words.

Okay, that does it. Give me that word
again.

Amoeba.

Right, amoeba.

Two amoeba walk out of a bar. One amoeba
says to the other, say, is that the sun

or the moon? And the other amoeba says,
I don't know. I don't live around here.

He did it. He's okay.

He certainly did.

I'm proud to present a little -known
classic of Arthur Conan Doyle entitled

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the
Disappearing Clue.

Sherlock Holmes here.

Watson there.

Oh, Mr.

Holmes, I'm so glad you're here. It's
murder, Mr. Holmes.

Murder.

It's gone down, my dear lady. Dr.

Watson and I will have this case solved
in no time. Right, Watson?

Of course.

can solve any crime by a simple process
of deduction.

Yes, sir. The body of Lord Bottomley is
right over there.

Don't look, Watson. It's too horrible to
gaze upon.

What manner of fiend could have done
this?

Actually, I feel you, the butler. Lord
Bottomley lies over there.

He's been shot, Owen.

Yes, yes.

Of course.

I arrest Fielding the butler for the
murder of Lord Bottomley.

Amazing.

Preposterous. The butler's fingerprints
are on this glass.

Here's a photo of the butler committing
the murder.

The weapon in question registered in the
butler's name.

And finally, an eyewitness, the maid,
who will seal his doom.

Excuse me, miss.

Your deduction on the face

of the evidence brings us to the only
possible conclusion, and that is that

butler did it. But there is no evidence,
so your logic is wrong.

Logic is never wrong, Watson, if there
is no evidence that the butler did it.

And I certainly didn't do it. And the
inescapable conclusion, Watson, is that

you're the murderer.

Hmm.

Tough. And the inescapable conclusion is
that with no evidence and no killer,

there was no murder.

Gesundheit.

Here's a Muppet News flash.

Dateline Brooklyn, New York.

Harry Oblong, a retired New York City
bus driver, said that he is holding that

state as a hostage and will not release
it until he is paid $50 million in cash.

Mr. Oblong, whom state officials say is
not playing with a full deck, says that

he will not disclose the whereabouts of
the state of New York, but does say it

has enough food and water to last for 10
more days.

limitless repertoire to bring us an act
never before seen on any stage anywhere

in the world and with his luck it never
will be seen again ladies and gentlemen

the greatest of all god

Listen, uh, Ray, I was just watching
your act, you know, from offstage, and a

couple of things occurred to me as one
artist to another.

Do you think I should wear a top hat?

It's more than a top hat, Gons.

I think it's the basic act, actually,
yeah.

I think what you need is some pizzazz.

You know what that means?

Let me show you.

Just give them the old razzle -dazzle.

Razzle.

Give them an act with lots of flash in
it and the reaction

will be passionate. Give them the old
hocus pocus.

Beat and feather them.

How can they see with sequins in their
eyes?

What if your hinges fall? are rusting
what if in fact you're

just disgusting razzle dazzle them and
they'll never cat why

give them the old razzle

dazzle razzle dazzle them back since the
days

of old methuselah everyone loves The big
bamboozle.

When

you're

in trouble.

It's unassailable. They'll wait a year
till you're available.

Give them the old double whammy.

Day's end is the only year.

Show them the first -rate sorcerer you
are.

Long as you keep them way off balance,
how can they spot you got nothing?

on the show tonight, and I want you to
know you'll always be willkommen here.

Danke schön, Herr Kermit. It was mein
pleasure.

I keep working on that accent. It might
come in handy.

And thank you all for joining us, and
join us next week for the Muppet Show.

More, more.

No, not so loud. They may hear you.