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1
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Come in.
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Diane Cannon?
3
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15 seconds to curtain, Diane.
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00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,260
Oh, hi, Scooter. Thank you. Just be sure
to warn me when it's time to go on
5
00:00:09,260 --> 00:00:10,139
stage, will you?
6
00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:11,760
Oh, well, that's not for a long time.
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First, you've got to worry about the
curtain.
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Oh, no, I don't.
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Yes,
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you do.
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It's the Muppet Show with our very
special guest star, Diane Cannon.
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It's time to get things started.
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Hello?
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He's not home.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you, and
welcome again to the... Muppet Show. And
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we've got a wonderful show for you
tonight because our very special guest
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is Miss Diane Cannon.
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00:01:24,940 --> 00:01:28,880
But first, to get things started... What
is this?
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A dog? A piggy?
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00:01:31,380 --> 00:01:33,660
Would you come take your dog off the
stage?
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Isn't that adorable?
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It is not adorable. The dog is on the
stage.
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Pardonnez -us, everyone.
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00:01:50,170 --> 00:01:51,510
Pardonnez -us, everyone? What's that?
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That is French.
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Pardonnez -us, everyone.
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All Vu knows is swamp talk.
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00:02:01,550 --> 00:02:03,370
Did you just get this dog off the stage?
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Come here, come here. He wants to say
hello to Dada. He wants to rip off my
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flipper. Oh, make friends, make friends.
Say oodie -boo -boo -boo.
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Say what? Say oodie -boo -boo -boo.
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Froggy alone now.
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Booty boo boo boo.
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Dumb dog.
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00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:34,150
Anyhow, as an opening number, you know,
there are a lot of complaints today
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about wild -eyed youth playing mindless
rock.
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Well, to counteract that, here are some
wild -eyed old people playing mindless
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rock. Ladies and gentlemen, Gary and...
39
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Well, they should be. They've been
practicing since 1908.
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00:04:32,650 --> 00:04:35,970
Okay, good work, Jerry. Nicely wheezed,
Atrix.
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00:04:36,270 --> 00:04:39,770
Why, don't that song just break your
heart?
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No, but it slows down my pacemaker.
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Comey, Comey, Comey, Comey. I have to go
rehearse Veterinarian's Hospital. Would
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you please watch Foo Foo for a while?
Thank you. Stay.
45
00:04:52,390 --> 00:04:54,470
Yeah, but Piggy, you can't just...
46
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to go introduce Diane Cannon. Would you
take care of Foo Foo Scooter?
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I have to tell Diane she's on. Take care
of Foo Foo, Fozzie.
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00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:11,020
Uh, listen, I got a date with a polar
bear.
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00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:13,540
Take care of Foo Foo, Gonzo.
50
00:05:15,060 --> 00:05:17,580
Oh, I've got an anvil in the oven.
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Take care of Foo Foo, Floyd.
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00:05:20,340 --> 00:05:22,880
I think I got the whooping cough. Take
care of...
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Hollywood's nicest ladies. She's a
wonderful actress, a terrific director,
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doer of goofy stuff like the following.
Ladies and gentlemen.
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00:06:08,470 --> 00:06:10,850
I don't want to leave the Congo.
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00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:12,770
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
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Isn't that right?
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We're so happy in this jungle.
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To go.
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00:06:54,190 --> 00:06:56,310
just to get aboard a subway train.
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And though it's smoky and it's crowded,
they are too civilized to complain.
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00:07:04,670 --> 00:07:08,690
And the movies they have got to pay many
coconuts to see.
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Civilized pictures that the camera takes
of me.
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How fast a disco tacks these noises.
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00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:25,940
I thought she wore a black patch over
one eye. No, no, no. That's her sister,
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Marsha Diane.
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00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:32,820
Okay, Diane is in good form tonight.
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Ah, drum lady, drum lady.
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Yes. Ha -ba, ha -ba.
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00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,360
Mmm. Drum lady, drum lady.
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00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:43,520
Floyd and Gonzo on stage for the Doggy
in the West.
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00:09:59,370 --> 00:10:02,030
Nothing. He's promised to take care of
Miss Piggy's puppy dog.
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Oh, good grief. That dog is a pain.
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Well, Kermit, can't you do something? I
mean, you're the dog's daddy.
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We're in hospital.
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Well, make it fast, okay?
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Okay, now just remember, all of Fufu's
things are right here on the table.
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There's her brush, and there's her
Angora sweater.
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Isn't that cute?
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Oh, and there is her bowl, and her
little spoon.
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You and I should spoon.
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puppy foo -foo here.
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Yeah, I got the brush, the brush, and
the coat to keep her warm, the spoon to
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feed her, and a nice safe place to keep
the little puppy dog.
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We're through the keyhole, turkey dog.
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00:11:45,050 --> 00:11:47,670
And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.
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The continuing story of a quack who's
gone to the dogs.
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last patient. I know she does, but it
isn't. This one's still breathing.
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Does that mean I still have a chance?
90
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,020
Well, you did till you came in here.
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00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:15,480
Dr. Bob, this is an elderly patient. I
hope you don't do any jokes about her
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age. If I can't do old jokes, you're
taking away my best shots.
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Your only shots.
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Lady, how old are you?
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Young man.
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age, not your religion.
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Dr. Bob! I just wanted to make a little
joke. Did you want to make it that
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little?
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Young man, young man, do you know what
an octogenarian is?
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Sure, you're like a vegetarian, only you
eat octopuses.
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Dr. Bob, please, this patient is dying.
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She's dying, we're all dying.
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We need a little help from the man
upstairs.
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And so we come.
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of Veterinarians Hospital.
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Thank you.
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Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse
Piggy say... Oh, Dr. Bob, the patient
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is a death door.
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Don't worry. I'll pull her through.
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Pull her through.
111
00:13:14,610 --> 00:13:16,990
Oh, Ronald, come in. Hey, Diane. Is
everything okay?
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Hi,
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Kermit. Sure, everything's fine.
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Is the wig all right?
115
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Oh, look, I was going to ask you about
that. I'm not wearing a wig in this
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Oh, no, it's not to wear.
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It's a pet wig.
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It belongs to smiling Jim Sepulveda and
his tap -dancing toupees.
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00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,620
I've never seen a pet wig before. What
do you feed them?
120
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Oh, anything.
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Table scraps, mostly.
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Really? Table scraps?
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Mm -hmm.
124
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Now, here's a lovely song that's about
an old dog friend of mine
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who's no longer with us.
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His name was, well, his name was Dre.
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And it goes like this.
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What gentler eye, what nobler heart
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doth warm the winter's day.
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Than the true blue form in the oaken
core
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of beloved Old Dog Train.
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
134
00:16:17,090 --> 00:16:18,430
Thank you.
135
00:16:35,850 --> 00:16:36,809
Psst. Psst.
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Psst.
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00:16:37,990 --> 00:16:38,990
Psst. Psst. Psst.
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00:16:39,610 --> 00:16:42,750
Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst.
Psst. Psst.
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00:17:04,419 --> 00:17:05,579
Piggy, you need a hot doggy?
140
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I don't understand him. Why didn't he go
back to what he was doing before he
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became a chef?
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00:17:12,339 --> 00:17:13,259
What was that?
143
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Nothing.
144
00:17:17,140 --> 00:17:18,140
Piggy!
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00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:22,960
Piggy! Oh, Miss Piggy, have you seen the
fantastic dance that the Kermit did?
146
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What's the matter, darling?
147
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:25,800
What's the matter?
148
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:29,280
Oh, yes, your dog. I hear she's
absolutely adorable.
149
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,700
Gone! What do you mean, gone? I can't
find her.
150
00:17:32,270 --> 00:17:34,730
She's bound to show up. Piggy, wait a
minute. She's bound to show up, isn't
151
00:17:34,910 --> 00:17:39,290
No, darling, you must be crying now.
Come on. Calm down. Let me get you some
152
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tissue. Where are your tissues?
153
00:17:41,030 --> 00:17:42,030
Over here.
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00:17:42,390 --> 00:17:44,010
Piggy, come on now. Calm down.
155
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Here, sweetheart.
156
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Let me dry your eyes.
157
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Give me a blow now.
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00:17:48,870 --> 00:17:52,410
Good girl. You dry your eyes. You must
contain yourself.
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00:17:54,450 --> 00:17:58,310
Piggy, Diane, on stage for your big
production number, please. Oh, good. All
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right.
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00:18:01,749 --> 00:18:04,290
Piggy, it's time to do the number. Now,
listen to me.
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Do you know where you are? I think
you've forgotten where you are, Piggy.
163
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Piggy, this is the theater, and you are
a star.
164
00:18:11,210 --> 00:18:12,830
Now, you must go on, Piggy.
165
00:18:13,030 --> 00:18:15,530
I mean, the whole world expects it of
you, don't they?
166
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Your loyal fans expect it of you, Piggy.
Your frog expects it of you.
167
00:18:22,090 --> 00:18:23,570
Yes. Yes.
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00:18:24,410 --> 00:18:26,410
You must look away from the tragedy.
169
00:18:26,770 --> 00:18:30,570
You must fight back the tears, and you
must look to the footlights.
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Yes, Peggy.
171
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Yes, this is your legend. And this is
your life.
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Yes, Diane.
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Yes. Hand me my wrap. Yes, your wrap. I
shall go on as a superstar.
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00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:46,770
Yes. Oh, thank you, Diane.
175
00:18:46,970 --> 00:18:48,170
Thank you, Poo -Poo.
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00:18:48,630 --> 00:18:49,630
Poo -Poo.
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00:18:49,930 --> 00:18:50,930
Poo -Poo.
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Poo -Poo. She's gone back.
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She's gone back.
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00:18:53,890 --> 00:18:54,890
Excuse me.
181
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Listen, you guys took so long, so we had
to cancel the number.
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00:19:08,590 --> 00:19:09,750
toots cruelty to animals?
183
00:19:10,030 --> 00:19:11,490
Not unless they're watching it.
184
00:19:14,050 --> 00:19:15,590
Drums! My drums!
185
00:19:15,910 --> 00:19:16,909
My drums!
186
00:19:16,910 --> 00:19:20,290
No, no, no, animal. Those are practice
drums. They're Diane Cannons.
187
00:19:21,450 --> 00:19:22,450
Cannons? Mm -hmm.
188
00:19:22,690 --> 00:19:23,790
My cannons!
189
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:26,630
My cannons! No, no, no, no. They are
drums.
190
00:19:27,690 --> 00:19:28,690
My drums!
191
00:19:28,930 --> 00:19:29,930
My drums!
192
00:19:30,290 --> 00:19:31,290
I give up.
193
00:19:31,690 --> 00:19:34,410
I give up. Will you get out of here?
194
00:19:35,350 --> 00:19:37,790
Floyd, aren't you supposed to be in the
band for the closing number?
195
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:42,380
Mm -mm, can't, man. I promised I'd go
have a chat with the pork princess.
196
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:49,600
If I were Floyd, I wouldn't do that.
Because maybe Miss Piggy has realized
197
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,580
he's the one that stuffed Foo -Foo into
the drawer.
198
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:54,200
Break the maybe.
199
00:20:04,460 --> 00:20:07,960
Well, folks, I suppose you've noticed
that there have been a lot of canines on
200
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:08,939
tonight's show.
201
00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:12,780
In fact, I suppose you could say that
the whole show has gone to the dogs.
202
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:18,380
You could say that, but I certainly
wouldn't. Why not say it?
203
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:22,720
Some folks think going to the dogs is a
very good thing.
204
00:20:24,420 --> 00:20:25,420
Indeed, indeed.
205
00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:27,040
My feelings exactly.
206
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:28,320
Thank you, sir.
207
00:20:31,590 --> 00:20:34,490
And that's why we've sent our guest star
down to the pet shop. And here she is,
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00:20:34,510 --> 00:20:36,450
ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diane Cannon.
Yay!
209
00:20:45,670 --> 00:20:52,090
We could see you were a girl of
distinction.
210
00:20:52,450 --> 00:20:54,450
A real big spender.
211
00:20:55,330 --> 00:20:58,290
Good looking, so refined.
212
00:21:17,730 --> 00:21:21,470
A little time with me.
213
00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:26,790
Like to have fun, fun.
214
00:21:32,389 --> 00:21:36,170
I'll show you a good time.
215
00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:40,390
Let me show you a good time.
216
00:22:13,550 --> 00:22:17,070
Wouldn't you like to be mine?
217
00:22:18,490 --> 00:22:19,490
Yours?
218
00:22:20,590 --> 00:22:21,590
Mine.
219
00:22:22,530 --> 00:22:26,010
We could have a good time.
220
00:22:27,350 --> 00:22:29,670
Mine. Fine.
221
00:22:31,210 --> 00:22:35,510
I could get you a big bone.
222
00:22:37,610 --> 00:22:40,190
Would you take me to...
223
00:22:42,110 --> 00:22:44,790
You're home again.
224
00:22:46,390 --> 00:22:53,090
The minute you walked in the shop, I
could see you were a
225
00:22:53,090 --> 00:22:59,310
dog of distinction, a real class man,
you're good looking,
226
00:22:59,510 --> 00:23:01,010
so refined.
227
00:23:01,790 --> 00:23:05,690
I'm sure you know by now what's going on
in my mind.
228
00:23:05,950 --> 00:23:08,010
So let me get right to the point.
229
00:23:09,290 --> 00:23:13,110
I don't wag my tail for every girl I
see.
230
00:23:14,610 --> 00:23:16,610
Hey, Big Spender.
231
00:23:18,150 --> 00:23:19,150
Hey,
232
00:23:19,850 --> 00:23:21,030
Big Spender.
233
00:23:22,730 --> 00:23:25,390
Hey, Big Spender.
234
00:23:25,830 --> 00:23:32,810
A little time with me.
235
00:23:34,690 --> 00:23:37,290
I'll take you home with me.
236
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:58,060
Okay, well, it has been quite a show,
and I have certainly had a good time.
237
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:03,840
So much for good times.
238
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,740
Hey, guys, has anybody seen Floyd?
239
00:24:10,220 --> 00:24:11,800
He can breathe through the keyhole.
240
00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:17,160
Well, anyhow, it's time now to thank our
wonderful guest star, ladies and
241
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:18,460
gentlemen, Miss Diane Cannon.
242
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:19,680
Yay!
243
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:29,460
Thank you, Kermit. Oh, that's such a
cute little dog. You must be proud of
244
00:24:29,540 --> 00:24:30,540
Dada.
245
00:25:13,370 --> 00:25:14,790
Well, I think I'll go to the dentist.
246
00:25:15,030 --> 00:25:17,690
Now? Sure. After this show, nothing
hurts.
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