Original subtitles

Come in, knock, knock.

Spike Milligan? Yes. 30 seconds to the curtain, Mr. Milligan.

It's 30 seconds to the curtain.

It's 5 foot 11 to the floor.

I'll take the curtain.

Say, what's that you're wearing?

My family crest.

What's that?

A coat of arms.

It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr.

Spike Milligan.

to get things started.

very special guest is one of England's wildest comedians, Mr. Spike Milligan.

We especially wanted Spike on the show because tonight we're presenting an

international extravaganza. You see, we just learned that the Muppet Show is

being shown in 108 different countries.

Uh -oh. Better get out your old army uniform.

Yes, with 108 angry countries, there's bound to be trouble.

Anyway,

we're going to have on our show people from every one of those 108 countries.

And we're going to start things off with a tribute to the land... of the rising

sun.

Am I

in the right

show?

I'm a homer every night. My honey lemon, I sit alone and hop and

watch the hop making lazy.

Hey, listen, guys, I think it's a mistake.

We've been wrong, fool, all right.

And when we've been wrong, fool, it's right.

And when we say,

yeah,

we're doing fine.

Hey!

I don't know. I never get up that early.

Okay.

Lovely number.

Good.

Yes,

right.

Well,

there seems to be a hole in the schedule right now.

Boy, this alludes to all the nations you're planning must really be a biggie.

Well, too big, maybe, Scooter. You know, I thought you were in charge of

organizing all these people. Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir.

Scotsman, Venezuelans, dressing room two, Arabs and Eskimos, dressing room

three. Move it, boys. Hey, wait a second. What are the Australians up to?

Huh?

We're up to this sport.

What do you yanks down to?

Come on, move it, Scotsman. Move it, move it.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The American Eagle.

My subject tonight is our friends the British.

I have therefore asked a proper English gentleman to talk to us.

Please.

How do you do, sir?

Well, I'm coming up.

What? No, no,

no, no.

Please, sir. You are not speaking the Queen's English.

Why, sure. She never speaks any of mine.

There goes the matter.

It's too late to get Laurence Olivier.

You fool!

What? What?

What say you? Silence when you speak to me. Listen, he talks the same as I do.

No. Yes!

He talks proper when he's on the stage. Where's that pencil?

To be or not to be.

That is the question. See, he talks like that so that you people in the colonies

can understand.

What? Sir, may we please change the subject? May we, hmm? May we set him

French? Off, off.

Let us talk about the quaint English custom of tea time.

My lord, tea.

Where did that come from? It comes from Hong Kong.

Sir, sir, sir.

I thought to drink tea properly, the English extend the pinky.

Of course.

The pinky, the greeny, the browny, the bluey, and the reddy. Ready? Go!

Sir, sir, leave, leave the stage.

Leave the stage? Yes.

You don't think I'm going to take it with me, do you?

Sir, you are a disgrace to England.

Let me tell this eagle creep.

England is not finished yet.

It's finished.

Now!

I love England, especially in this close -up.

Then show it.

Sure. Yes.

Terrific. It's about time we had some sophistication on this show.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that was Mr. Spike Milligan.

I hope I haven't offended any of my people.

Well, you certainly didn't offend me. I thought it was very funny. Right. It's

your fault.

not clever. Anyone can drop their pants.

I didn't know you were Lithuanian.

That man is a sicko.

Okay, what's next? Music of Scotland. Music of Scotland on stage, please.

Right here, ready to go.

What are those?

They're my bongos.

We'll have a wee bit of primitive island rhythm. A Bonnie Glasgow samba.

Oh, I got trouble up here, boss.

What? The Eskimos and the Arabs are sharing a dressing room.

So? So the Arabs want it hotter and the Eskimos want to turn on the air

conditioner.

Listen, I have an introduction to make. Try to get them to compromise.

Oh, they have compromised.

Yeah, the Eskimos turned on the air conditioner and the Arabs set it on

Come on, boys, get out of there.

extinguisher. And now, ladies and gentlemen, continuing with our

review, here is the music of Scotland played by... I hope you don't put that

fire out too soon, laddie. Why?

Oh, the heat feels good when you're in kilts.

I don't think I want to hear about this. Ladies and gentlemen, the music of

Scotland.

and welcome to Muppet News International.

Yes, sir, welcome to it.

Simultaneous translation, bringing you news and views across the language

barrier.

Hello. Are you going to tell them what I just said? No, your secret is sacredly.

All right, here is the news.

Things look grim in the outback as rebel

forces continue to fight amongst themselves.

First one side seems to be winning. And then the other side gets on top.

And casualties have been very heavy.

And strong ties between the two factions have been permanently cut.

Eyebrows were raised today at the auction rooms.

Where a priceless antique buzz... came under the hammer.

Rumors of a cover -up affected prices on the stock

market where woolens were hit badly,

eventually plunging to an all -time low.

The search continues for a missing man said by police to be dangerous and more

than a little screwy.

As the inventor of the pop -up toaster.

Next we have... Full fashion.

A newsman was attacked today by a mad English

comic. Really? We must find him.

Oh, hi.

Yeah, hey, the band's all ready for the big American jazz number.

Where's the little green poncho?

Well, he's trying to keep things organized in the dressing room. It's

mess around here today.

Oh, yeah?

Lack of international understanding?

Oh, I'll say. Nobody on the show tonight can understand anybody else.

Oh, yeah?

Now you explain that.

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh,

man. I'm going on stage.

It's too weird around here for me.

Now, me and the band here are hip to the international tone that our froggy

foreman is trying to lay on tonight's show.

But that's no reason for not including a little of the domestic product.

Now, from West Side Story, America.

What a multi -big session that was.

For sure.

Go get him, animal. Sick him. Sick him.

Well, have you met my Uncle Kermit? Oh, hi, Uncle Kermit. Have you met Luis

Greco, the Morse Code flamenco dancer?

Oh, he says it's an honor just to meet you and have a chance to say hi.

I think you're stopping. What did

they

say? Bad news, Uncle Kermit. Spain and Sweden have just declared war.

things weren't getting out of hand enough, it's now my irresponsible

introduce our very special guest star, Mr. Spike Milligan, doing a piece that

has asked me to describe as being called the intergalactic brotherhood of man,

including things.

Ladies and gentlemen, Spike Milligan!

comedy with her.

With a surprise ending.

Now, who came first?

Hey, can we have our chicken back, please, mister?

That was the voice of Blue Zealand.

Very good evening.

They already know that you, Nana.

Mr. Seelan would only agree to reading the part of the voice -off that says,

we have our chicken back, please, mister?

On condition that he would then be allowed to come on stage and show his

the people that they would remember him and care about, get this, care about his

career.

And my boomerang fish act. What, what, what, what, what?

New Zealand and his boomerang fish act.

Every night is Friday night.

Yeah, you see, I thought he fit away from me.

Ice! It all comes back to me now.

Come on.

Well, thank you. Hey, good night.

Good night? They already know it's a good night.

Hey, comedy.

Comedy? Comedy on this show?

Right again, it is comedy.

Now, get out!

In the happy, relaxed atmosphere of international friendship that exists,

despite the presence of many foreigners,

We can easily overlook those alien beings lost in the wastes of the

We must reach out for those forms of life. Reach out and try... What

was that?

That was very strange.

It was very weird. It was peculiar.

It was kind of amusing.

Yes, it was rather funny. It was incredibly funny. I loved it.

you jerk. You're good.

Kermit! Oh, Kermit, I just think it's wonderful that you have organized this

parade of nations finale.

Yeah, well, it seemed like sort of a nice thing to do. Nice? Kermit, it's,

it's, it's, it's humanitarian to have the citizens of the world on our little

stage, all races and colors, hand in hand, in brotherhood.

Stand by for the Parade of Nations.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Parade of Nations.

Stand by for the Parade of Nations.

All right!

Lock it up!

It's the Brotherhood bit!

Thank you, Miss Piggy.

I'll go introduce it.

As a fitting climax to tonight's international edition of The Muppet

is a parade of the nations featuring our guest star, Mr. Spike Milligan, and

dedicated to one of our very favorite countries, Disneyland.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a small world.

It's a world of laughter, a world of tears. It's a world of...

that we share that it's time we're aware it's a small world after all

it's a small world

There's so much that we share that in time we're aware it's a small world.

refused to admit it. I hope you've enjoyed our tribute to practically

And right now, let's welcome back our fantastic guest star, the amazing Spike

Milligan! Spike!

Me! Me not go!

Me like it here! Me not say goodbye!

Me say, hello, sailor!

Anyhow, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Tomorrow at 7 on The Muppet Show, the Muppets are smitten by the arrival of a

screened beauty and pigs in faith aim to conquer another planet.

Coming up next on Happy Days, Joanie turns into a fool in love with Potsy.