Original subtitles

Oh, rats.

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This episode of The Muppet Show stars Gilda Ratt.

For me, one of the special moments to look out for in this episode is an

version of Lullaby of Broadway.

Come on along and listen to the Lullaby of Broadway.

For me, this is...

A nice piece because there's a penguin in that that I actually built at the

time. And, of course, this episode also contains a wonderful classic Muppet

misunderstanding.

There's a moment where Gilda asks for a seven -foot parrot to appear with her. A

seven -foot tall talking parrot?

I wrote you in the letter.

Well, I got your letter, but I couldn't quite read your handwriting.

Parrot. What did you think I asked for?

And as my father used to say, it's a perfectly terrible joke, but it's worthy

us. Here it is, the Muppet Show.

Gilda Radner!

Gilda Radner! 30 seconds to curtain, Miss Radner!

Well, Scooter, what's all this fuss I keep hearing about me doing the Muffin

Show?

show. It's the Muppet.

lullaby from beyond the Antarctic Circle, or somewhere.

Second Street.

Well, I got your letter, but I couldn't quite read your handwriting.

Parrot. What did you think I asked for?

Well, I wasn't really sure, but I thought it was a... Never mind.

Must I share my dressing room with the other vegetables?

A seven -foot -tall talking carrot?

Watch it, lady.

I'm a star. I sang the hit song from Cold.

call call porter call slaw they paid him a huge salary now she's stealing

my jokes well i have to do something i don't have an opening number now why not

well i was going to do selections from the parrot

foolhardy enough to tackle the blinding complexity of the following musical

number. But here she is, tempting fate, Miss Gilda Ratner!

I am the very model of a modern major general.

I've information, vegetable, animal, and mineral. I know the kings of England,

and I quote the fight to Sarek. From Allelu to Allelu... Hold it, hold it,

maestro, please.

You blew it, my child.

Never send a girl into... a carrot's work.

If I knew a 12 -foot rabbit, you'd really be in trouble.

Why don't we try an easy one, hmm?

Maestro, please.

When a carrot's not engaged in his employment, or maturing his felonious

little plans,

His capacity for innocent enjoyment Is just as great as any

honest man Our feelings we with difficulty smother When our

vegetarian duty's to be done I'll take one consideration with another

A carrot's lot is not a happy one

They travel with me everywhere.

What do you got? A chauffeur -driven shopping cart?

Why don't you just stand back and let me show you how it's done?

I am the very model of a modern major general. I have information, vegetation,

and the maple... Oh, potatoes.

Hold it, hold it. See, you didn't make it either.

Maybe I didn't want to make it.

Why don't you sing, Gilda?

Poor wandering one, though thou hast surely

strayed, take heart and grace, thy steps retrace.

Poor wandering one,

poor wandering one, if such poor love...

Vegetable, animal, and mineral.

I know the kings of England. And I crucify historical.

From Marathon to Waterloo in auto -categorical. And military knowledge,

I'm plucky and adventuring. Has only been brought down to the beginning of

century. But still it matters, vegetable.

Animal and mineral. I am the very model of a modern native general.

But still it matters, vegetable, animal.

Music puts me right to sleep.

You too, huh?

Ladies and gentlemen, a Muppet melodrama.

Help!

And now, for the last time, my little peach pie, will you marry me?

Drop dead!

I think that might be my line.

a double thing, though.

Ah, quite simple, my boy, quite simple.

Music, maestro, please. Music?

Now, come to the Pascinato del Pondador.

Incomparable Marvin Suggs. I say incomparable because I can't imagine

to compare him to.

little bird.

in vain.

do here at muppet labs where the future is being made today and here with me is

the lovely miss gilda radner today we have an amazing demonstration

and gilda here has graciously volunteered to be our human guinea pig i

that's settled then oh i shall need you too beaker come on in here now we're

ready to begin uh listen dr honeydew you you said assistant i never heard you

say the word guinea pig?

Just put your head down here so Uncle Bunny can work on you. Well, you see, I

don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea pigging. Mm

-hmm. There we go.

There.

I have just placed on Gilda's forehead a single teensy -weensy drop of Muppet's

new super adhesive.

Now we'll wait a moment for it to get tacky.

What are we waiting for?

For it to get tacky.

Well, another first on this show.

How's that?

Well, it's the first... time we've had to wait for it to get tacky.

And with that single drop of glue, I shall stick this rope to Gilda's

and then Beaker and I shall haul on the rope, thus lifting Miss Radner bodily

off the floor. No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute.

That's okay, Gilda. That's all right. Now, Beaker, I hope you're feeling fit.

Oh, there was glue on the rag.

Oh,

no, no, don't squeeze that tube.

Oh, let me consult my notes.

Mr. Scribbler, I'll ask her. Agilda!

Agilda, a reporter would like to know, what is the secret of your success?

Can I talk to you for a second? Well, I guess you could just say that she has

stuck with it.

And in the little time I've known her, she's really cemented our friendship.

control.

Yeah, well, shouldn't he be further from the screen?

No, his eyes are glued to the set.

Mr.

Posse, would you introduce the next member?

Hi,

we're having a little trouble back here, but that's okay, that's okay.

Let's just give a great big hand for our very special guest star.

Oh, no, my hand is stuck.

and you pay.

Your poor being.