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Hi, I'm Brian Henson.
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This was one of Raquel Welch's first
forays into song and dance.
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There's a couple of great moments from
this show that I can never forget. One
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the opening number where she gets to
dance with a giant spider.
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The spider was performed by Graham
Fletcher, a dancer with the Royal Ballet
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England.
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Another great moment is when Raquel gets
to sing her solo at the end, I'm a
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Woman. And not surprisingly, Miss Piggy
feels threatened by having Raquel Welsh
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on the show.
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And she pushes in and forces the number
into a duet.
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Here
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she
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is, the beautiful and sexy Raquel Welsh
on The Muppet Show.
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Oh, Raquel Welch, 30 seconds to curtain,
Miss Welch. The quality of mercy is not
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straying. It droppeth as a gentle rain
upon the place beneath.
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Changing your image, huh?
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Yes, well, I was toying with the idea.
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Well, you do what you want, Miss Welch.
On this show, you don't have to dress up
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in any of those scanty, revealing
costumes.
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Oh, thank you, Scooter.
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Well, not unless you really want to.
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Well... Oh, please, Walter.
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with our very special guest star, Raquel
Welch. Woo!
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Yeah!
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It's time to play the music.
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It's time to light the light.
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It's time to meet the Muppets on the
Muppet Show tonight.
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It's time to put on makeup.
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It's time to dress up right.
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It's time to get things started.
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Why don't you get things started?
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Pity we can't book an important guest
star on this show.
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What are you saying, Piggy? Tonight we
have an internationally acclaimed
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actress, singer, dancer, and one of the
sexiest ladies alive.
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You get that every night, frog.
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Ignoring that, ladies, and particularly
gentlemen, here she is, the curvaceous,
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the tantalizing, the desirable... Oh,
the teeth.
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What now? She's changing her image.
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Changing her image?
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Yeah, she was just rehearsing
Shakespeare.
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Well,
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ladies and gentlemen, one of cinema's
leading dramatic actresses, the very
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erudite Miss Raquel Welch.
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You got the shake and I got the shimmy.
You got the take and I got the gimme.
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And I don't want to go, but baby, you
send me.
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You want it all and I want to give it.
You have a dream and I want to live it.
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And I don't want to go, but baby, you
send me.
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Baby, it's me and the same as you. The
dreamer who dreams and the dream come
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true.
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I just wanted to meet someone just like
you.
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Someone just like you.
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Tell my troubles to someone just like
you.
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You have the spark, I've got the desire.
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The longer we burn, the higher the fire.
Baby, take my heart, I want you to have
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it.
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Love is a storm that goes on forever.
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The more that it rains, the better the
weather. Baby, take my heart, I want you
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to have it.
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Baby, it's me, I'm the same as you. A
dreamer who dreams that the dream come
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true. Stole my life, I just wanted to
meet someone just like you.
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Someone just like you who wants to love
me too.
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Someone just like you.
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Oh, yeah.
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You're
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perfect.
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Uh, I thought she was going to change
her image.
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Well, well, she might be changing her
image, but you wouldn't want her to
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the rest of that.
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Hey, hey, where's Fozzie? He's supposed
to be on stage.
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Well, he must be late getting back from
group.
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Group? Fozzie went to group therapy?
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Yeah, he wanted to learn to be more
dominating.
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Open up doors!
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These doors will swing open to the force
of my will and long.
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Okay, I'll open the doors.
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There.
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I opened the doors. And I wanted to.
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Thank you. It's a pity you couldn't open
the show, too.
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Excuse me, Mr. Frog. I am an established
artiste. I will not be treated like a
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newcomer. No, you'll be treated like a
latecomer.
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Fonzie, are you trying to be pushy or
something?
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Oh, no.
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I mean, yes.
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I am trying to be more decisive.
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Maybe.
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Fonzie, what are you doing?
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Oh, I'm not too sure.
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Oh, you see, my group leader told me to
be more aggressive.
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Yes. Yes.
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Thank you. Thank you.
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Fozzie, why don't you just go sit
quietly in your dressing room?
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Oh, no. Oh, no, not this time. Frog,
this bear will never be pushed around or
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stepped on ever again.
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Hey, did somebody order raw eggs and
chili peppers?
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Breakfast! Breakfast!
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I think I'll go sit.
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quietly in my dressing room.
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You could describe our next performer as
a complete contrast to Miss Raquel
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Welch, but then again, you could also
describe him as a complete contrast to
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every man, woman, and child on Earth.
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Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo
the Great.
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Lonely? Yeah, I get lonely.
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Sad?
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The things that you see to make life a
jamboree. And I see cows playing cellos
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with bananas where their horns should
be.
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And I see flags being waved by ducks in
buckets and pigs drinking
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lemon tea.
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Jamboree. Jamboree.
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Jamboree. Jamboree.
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Find where you hide and look inside and
you got a jamboree.
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If all you know are bad times, if all
you see are walls, if you get your news
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from the Scots on your shoes, then that
won't help at all, because you've got to
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see penguins throwing popcorn, chickens
on a well -dressed moose, and
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you've got to see rats floating by on
pink balloons,
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and fuzzy things on the loose.
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Jamboree!
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I'm a jamboree!
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less than that?
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Wrong. There's nothing less than that.
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Okay. Good job, baby.
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Yeah, very cute. Very cute.
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Sick, but cute.
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Sick, but cute?
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Uh, you guys are talking about me, huh?
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No. Uh, yeah.
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Hey, Comet, Comet, it's all right.
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No problem. I can take it.
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I can take it.
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Listen, Fozzie, are you ready to do your
monologue now?
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No.
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No. I am not. I'm sorry.
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I'm through with all that. I do not need
to buy friends with laughter anymore.
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No. No. I am about to meet my true self.
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Of course you are. Yes. Well, I hope
you'll be very happy together. Thank
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I'll just go.
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Cancel your act for tonight.
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Well, I'm sorry about that.
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Don't worry. We've all got our problems
here.
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Yep, that sure is.
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See, my problem was my need to tell
jokes.
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Yeah, that was our problem, too.
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Ladies and gentlemen, due to the
indisposition of Fozzie Bear, there will
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comic monologue on this show.
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They want me.
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They like me.
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They need me.
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Hey, yeah, hey, yeah, hey, yeah. And so
on with the mother. Hey, yeah, hey,
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yeah, hey, yeah, hey, yeah. Fonzie, what
are you doing here? My monologue.
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But you were supposed to meet your true
self.
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I just met him.
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What's he like?
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He's shallow, insecure, and needs to buy
friends with an Oscar.
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Too late. Get off. Get off. Get off.
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That's all they want me.
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Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Did you hear
the one about the nut who joined the
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Sure. They made him a colonel. Oh, that
old chestnut.
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Hey, you just cut that out, you pigs.
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Hey, speaking of pigs, what do you get
when you cross an Eskimo and a pig?
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Oh, that's easy.
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You get a polar boar.
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What is going on?
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Hey, do you do all the cooking in the
monastery?
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Oh, hey, hey, I was going to do that
one.
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No, I only cook the potato.
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You only cook the potato?
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I'm doing this one.
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You only cook the potatoes? What do they
call you?
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The fryer.
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No, the chipmunk.
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From time to time, I like to have a chat
with some of the different members of
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the Muppet Show so you'll get to know
them better.
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Tonight... I'll be talking with one of
your favorite acts, Marvin Suggs and the
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Muppet Phone.
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Excuse me, Marvin.
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I know you're rehearsing, but could I
talk to you for a few minutes? But of
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course, Mr.
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Kermit. Anything.
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Take a four.
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Five.
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Ow!
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Four.
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Marvin, the question that most people
ask... The answer is mutual love and
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respect. The Muppet Phones, they are...
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Shut up!
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Marvin, are these the original Muppet
phones? Oh, no.
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I have to replace them every two or
three months.
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They go flat.
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You mean they get off key?
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No, flat.
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Ow! Like little pancakes.
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Thank you.
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Yeah, well, what happens to them then?
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I don't think you want to know.
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Yes. Yes.
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Well, Marvin, I was wondering, can I
talk to the Muppaphones? But of course.
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The little froggy want to talk to you.
Be nice.
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00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:33,660
Muppaphone, I'll ask you the question
that most people ask is, does it hurt?
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Is Marvin still here?
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Right here.
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No.
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Yes, you were telling me how
compassionate and sensitive you are.
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should get back to rehearsal.
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Come on, Marvin, how about some time
off?
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How about some croquet?
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00:15:09,380 --> 00:15:14,960
I wish I had the nerve to meet Raquel
Welch. Oh, you should, Fozzie. She's
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terrific. She kissed me right here.
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00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:22,160
Scooter, I know she kissed you. You told
me four times she kissed you.
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Why don't you go have your cheek
bronzed?
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Touchy, touchy.
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She didn't kiss... Oh.
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Hey, wait a minute. I can handle this. I
can cope with it. I am an important
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bear. I am capable. I am poised.
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00:15:38,140 --> 00:15:43,920
Hiya, Fozzie. I... I am... I... I've
been looking all over for you.
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Did you know that one of the main
reasons that I wanted to do the Muppet
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was just so I could meet you?
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Is something wrong?
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I can't talk about it.
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Just put your head on my shoulder here.
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Don't do that, please.
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00:16:33,190 --> 00:16:36,510
Uh -oh.
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You're the one that's terrific.
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00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,579
Me? Uh -huh.
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You know, just being here kind of close
to you, I've noticed that you're really
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very charming.
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00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:18,960
Charming? Mm -hmm. And even witty.
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And even witty.
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In fact, I think you're very sexy.
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Say again?
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I think you're sexational.
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confident now? You've made a complete
bear out of me. Oh, yes.
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Yes.
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Fozzie. Yes, sweetheart.
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Do you think there's a... Yes, baby, say
it.
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Even the slightest possibility that you
might want to go to my dressing room and
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have a cup of tea.
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You and me.
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Could I bring a friend?
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Thank you. Thank you.
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Two points.
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Kermit, Kermit, Kermit. Oh, listen,
you've got to read this.
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00:19:43,610 --> 00:19:47,590
What? You're still on the assertive
kick, Fozzie? Kind of, but listen,
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you are going to love this. I have just
written the greatest joke in the world.
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It's the all -time comedy classic.
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Kermit. In the history of show business,
there has never been or will there ever
245
00:20:01,390 --> 00:20:05,670
be a joke this funny. Here, read it. Go
ahead, read it.
246
00:20:15,870 --> 00:20:17,850
It's not funny. I got a better one.
247
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:33,880
you, Miss Diggie, but I understood that
you weren't too, well, happy about me
248
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:34,880
being on the show.
249
00:20:35,180 --> 00:20:37,740
Where did you ever get that idea?
250
00:20:38,060 --> 00:20:41,280
Well, believe me, I understand. After
all, it is your show, and I'm just a
251
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:46,700
here. Oh, Raquel, Raquel, Raquel, the
burdens of being an international sex
252
00:20:46,700 --> 00:20:50,940
goddess. Yes, well, I suppose. It must
be nearly as tough for you.
253
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:01,199
Yes, me too.
254
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,220
It gets to be kind of a board, doesn't
it?
255
00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:06,460
Although there's still a lot of joy left
in being a woman, don't you agree?
256
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:12,160
Mm -hmm. And I plan to gather up all I
can while it lasts. Oh, Raquel, stand by
257
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:13,160
for your solo number.
258
00:21:15,580 --> 00:21:16,580
Solo?
259
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,260
Yes, you don't mind, do you?
260
00:21:19,660 --> 00:21:21,000
Of course not.
261
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:22,360
Oh,
262
00:21:22,660 --> 00:21:25,200
is that the costume for the solo number?
263
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:26,480
How sweet.
264
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,140
Thank you. They made it especially for
me.
265
00:21:50,950 --> 00:21:52,110
And now,
266
00:21:53,150 --> 00:21:57,010
once again, ladies and gentlemen, it's
time for our wonderful and indescribable
267
00:21:57,010 --> 00:22:00,100
fantastic guest star, Is she ready yet?
268
00:22:00,300 --> 00:22:01,340
Who? Raquel.
269
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:02,600
Oh, yeah, yeah.
270
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:04,400
Quick, he's getting on my Raquel wall.
271
00:22:19,540 --> 00:22:23,660
I can wash out 44 pairs of socks and
have them hanging out on the line.
272
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,400
I can starch an iron two dozen shirts.
Well,
273
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:34,100
I can scoop up a great big dipper full
of lard from the dripping scale.
274
00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:39,020
Throw it in the skillet, go out and do
my shopping and be back before it melts
275
00:22:39,020 --> 00:22:41,500
in my pants. Because I love women.
276
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,140
W -O -M -A -N.
277
00:22:47,340 --> 00:22:48,780
Like I said again.
278
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,000
I can rub and scrub.
279
00:22:53,370 --> 00:22:55,650
this house and it's shining just like a
dime.
280
00:22:56,650 --> 00:23:01,130
Feed the baby, grease the car, and
powder my face all at the same time.
281
00:23:02,190 --> 00:23:08,750
I can get all dressed up, go out and
swing till 4 a .m. and then lay down at
282
00:23:08,910 --> 00:23:13,910
jump up at 6, and start all over again.
Cause I'm a woman.
283
00:23:15,790 --> 00:23:18,670
W -O -M -A -N.
284
00:23:19,670 --> 00:23:21,190
Like to say it again.
285
00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:27,840
If you come to me sickly, you know that
I'm going to make you well.
286
00:23:29,060 --> 00:23:33,480
If you come to me hexed up, you know I'm
going to break the spell.
287
00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:39,020
If you come to me hungry, you know I'm
going to fill you all full of grits.
288
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:43,400
If it's love and you like it, I'll kiss
you and give you the sugar.
289
00:23:54,340 --> 00:23:59,980
I can stretch a greenback dollar bill
from here to kingdom come.
290
00:24:00,980 --> 00:24:05,260
I can play the numbers, pay the bills,
and still end up with some.
291
00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:10,440
I got a $20 gold piece, says there ain't
nothing I can't do.
292
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:13,800
I can make a dress out of a food sack.
293
00:24:14,460 --> 00:24:15,540
You can what?
294
00:24:16,180 --> 00:24:19,060
I said I can make a dress out of a food
sack.
295
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:22,400
What do you do with a food sack?
296
00:24:22,620 --> 00:24:25,480
Well, honey, I can make anything look
good. Oh, yes!
297
00:25:06,570 --> 00:25:10,650
to do so. I seriously suspect that this
is the end. But before we go, let us
298
00:25:10,650 --> 00:25:14,470
have a warm thank you to our very
special guest, our Miss Raquel Welch.
299
00:25:15,970 --> 00:25:17,070
Oh, wow.
300
00:25:18,710 --> 00:25:19,710
Oh, yeah.
301
00:25:20,370 --> 00:25:23,670
Oh, thank you very much, Kermit. I had a
wonderful time, but I don't think I
302
00:25:23,670 --> 00:25:26,990
changed my image. Hey, Raquel, sweetie
baby, you want to go tell a joke
303
00:25:26,990 --> 00:25:27,990
together?
304
00:25:28,530 --> 00:25:31,730
You may not have changed your image, but
I think you may have changed ours.
305
00:25:33,430 --> 00:25:35,170
We'll see you next time on The Muppet
Show.
306
00:25:35,430 --> 00:25:36,430
Bye -bye.
307
00:26:13,870 --> 00:26:17,990
Have you ever thought there must be life
after death? Every time I leave this
308
00:26:17,990 --> 00:26:18,990
theater.
24391
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