Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This was one of Raquel Welch's first forays into song and dance.

There's a couple of great moments from this show that I can never forget. One

the opening number where she gets to dance with a giant spider.

The spider was performed by Graham Fletcher, a dancer with the Royal Ballet

England.

Another great moment is when Raquel gets to sing her solo at the end, I'm a

Woman. And not surprisingly, Miss Piggy feels threatened by having Raquel Welsh

on the show.

And she pushes in and forces the number into a duet.

Here

she

is, the beautiful and sexy Raquel Welsh on The Muppet Show.

Oh, Raquel Welch, 30 seconds to curtain, Miss Welch. The quality of mercy is not

straying. It droppeth as a gentle rain upon the place beneath.

Changing your image, huh?

Yes, well, I was toying with the idea.

Well, you do what you want, Miss Welch. On this show, you don't have to dress up

in any of those scanty, revealing costumes.

Oh, thank you, Scooter.

Well, not unless you really want to.

Well... Oh, please, Walter.

with our very special guest star, Raquel Welch. Woo!

Yeah!

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Why don't you get things started?

Pity we can't book an important guest star on this show.

What are you saying, Piggy? Tonight we have an internationally acclaimed

actress, singer, dancer, and one of the sexiest ladies alive.

You get that every night, frog.

Ignoring that, ladies, and particularly gentlemen, here she is, the curvaceous,

the tantalizing, the desirable... Oh, the teeth.

What now? She's changing her image.

Changing her image?

Yeah, she was just rehearsing Shakespeare.

Well,

ladies and gentlemen, one of cinema's leading dramatic actresses, the very

erudite Miss Raquel Welch.

You got the shake and I got the shimmy. You got the take and I got the gimme.

And I don't want to go, but baby, you send me.

You want it all and I want to give it. You have a dream and I want to live it.

And I don't want to go, but baby, you send me.

Baby, it's me and the same as you. The dreamer who dreams and the dream come

true.

I just wanted to meet someone just like you.

Someone just like you.

Tell my troubles to someone just like you.

You have the spark, I've got the desire.

The longer we burn, the higher the fire. Baby, take my heart, I want you to have

it.

Love is a storm that goes on forever.

The more that it rains, the better the weather. Baby, take my heart, I want you

to have it.

Baby, it's me, I'm the same as you. A dreamer who dreams that the dream come

true. Stole my life, I just wanted to meet someone just like you.

Someone just like you who wants to love me too.

Someone just like you.

Oh, yeah.

You're

perfect.

Uh, I thought she was going to change her image.

Well, well, she might be changing her image, but you wouldn't want her to

the rest of that.

Hey, hey, where's Fozzie? He's supposed to be on stage.

Well, he must be late getting back from group.

Group? Fozzie went to group therapy?

Yeah, he wanted to learn to be more dominating.

Open up doors!

These doors will swing open to the force of my will and long.

Okay, I'll open the doors.

There.

I opened the doors. And I wanted to.

Thank you. It's a pity you couldn't open the show, too.

Excuse me, Mr. Frog. I am an established artiste. I will not be treated like a

newcomer. No, you'll be treated like a latecomer.

Fonzie, are you trying to be pushy or something?

Oh, no.

I mean, yes.

I am trying to be more decisive.

Maybe.

Fonzie, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm not too sure.

Oh, you see, my group leader told me to be more aggressive.

Yes. Yes.

Thank you. Thank you.

Fozzie, why don't you just go sit quietly in your dressing room?

Oh, no. Oh, no, not this time. Frog, this bear will never be pushed around or

stepped on ever again.

Hey, did somebody order raw eggs and chili peppers?

Breakfast! Breakfast!

I think I'll go sit.

quietly in my dressing room.

You could describe our next performer as a complete contrast to Miss Raquel

Welch, but then again, you could also describe him as a complete contrast to

every man, woman, and child on Earth.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great.

Lonely? Yeah, I get lonely.

Sad?

The things that you see to make life a jamboree. And I see cows playing cellos

with bananas where their horns should be.

And I see flags being waved by ducks in buckets and pigs drinking

lemon tea.

Jamboree. Jamboree.

Jamboree. Jamboree.

Find where you hide and look inside and you got a jamboree.

If all you know are bad times, if all you see are walls, if you get your news

from the Scots on your shoes, then that won't help at all, because you've got to

see penguins throwing popcorn, chickens on a well -dressed moose, and

you've got to see rats floating by on pink balloons,

and fuzzy things on the loose.

Jamboree!

I'm a jamboree!

less than that?

Wrong. There's nothing less than that.

Okay. Good job, baby.

Yeah, very cute. Very cute.

Sick, but cute.

Sick, but cute?

Uh, you guys are talking about me, huh?

No. Uh, yeah.

Hey, Comet, Comet, it's all right.

No problem. I can take it.

I can take it.

Listen, Fozzie, are you ready to do your monologue now?

No.

No. I am not. I'm sorry.

I'm through with all that. I do not need to buy friends with laughter anymore.

No. No. I am about to meet my true self.

Of course you are. Yes. Well, I hope you'll be very happy together. Thank

I'll just go.

Cancel your act for tonight.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Don't worry. We've all got our problems here.

Yep, that sure is.

See, my problem was my need to tell jokes.

Yeah, that was our problem, too.

Ladies and gentlemen, due to the indisposition of Fozzie Bear, there will

comic monologue on this show.

They want me.

They like me.

They need me.

Hey, yeah, hey, yeah, hey, yeah. And so on with the mother. Hey, yeah, hey,

yeah, hey, yeah, hey, yeah. Fonzie, what are you doing here? My monologue.

But you were supposed to meet your true self.

I just met him.

What's he like?

He's shallow, insecure, and needs to buy friends with an Oscar.

Too late. Get off. Get off. Get off.

That's all they want me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Did you hear the one about the nut who joined the

Sure. They made him a colonel. Oh, that old chestnut.

Hey, you just cut that out, you pigs.

Hey, speaking of pigs, what do you get when you cross an Eskimo and a pig?

Oh, that's easy.

You get a polar boar.

What is going on?

Hey, do you do all the cooking in the monastery?

Oh, hey, hey, I was going to do that one.

No, I only cook the potato.

You only cook the potato?

I'm doing this one.

You only cook the potatoes? What do they call you?

The fryer.

No, the chipmunk.

From time to time, I like to have a chat with some of the different members of

the Muppet Show so you'll get to know them better.

Tonight... I'll be talking with one of your favorite acts, Marvin Suggs and the

Muppet Phone.

Excuse me, Marvin.

I know you're rehearsing, but could I talk to you for a few minutes? But of

course, Mr.

Kermit. Anything.

Take a four.

Five.

Ow!

Four.

Marvin, the question that most people ask... The answer is mutual love and

respect. The Muppet Phones, they are...

Shut up!

Marvin, are these the original Muppet phones? Oh, no.

I have to replace them every two or three months.

They go flat.

You mean they get off key?

No, flat.

Ow! Like little pancakes.

Thank you.

Yeah, well, what happens to them then?

I don't think you want to know.

Yes. Yes.

Well, Marvin, I was wondering, can I talk to the Muppaphones? But of course.

The little froggy want to talk to you. Be nice.

Muppaphone, I'll ask you the question that most people ask is, does it hurt?

Is Marvin still here?

Right here.

No.

Yes, you were telling me how compassionate and sensitive you are.

should get back to rehearsal.

Come on, Marvin, how about some time off?

How about some croquet?

I wish I had the nerve to meet Raquel Welch. Oh, you should, Fozzie. She's

terrific. She kissed me right here.

Scooter, I know she kissed you. You told me four times she kissed you.

Why don't you go have your cheek bronzed?

Touchy, touchy.

She didn't kiss... Oh.

Hey, wait a minute. I can handle this. I can cope with it. I am an important

bear. I am capable. I am poised.

Hiya, Fozzie. I... I am... I... I've been looking all over for you.

Did you know that one of the main reasons that I wanted to do the Muppet

was just so I could meet you?

Is something wrong?

I can't talk about it.

Just put your head on my shoulder here.

Don't do that, please.

Uh -oh.

You're the one that's terrific.

Me? Uh -huh.

You know, just being here kind of close to you, I've noticed that you're really

very charming.

Charming? Mm -hmm. And even witty.

And even witty.

In fact, I think you're very sexy.

Say again?

I think you're sexational.

confident now? You've made a complete bear out of me. Oh, yes.

Yes.

Fozzie. Yes, sweetheart.

Do you think there's a... Yes, baby, say it.

Even the slightest possibility that you might want to go to my dressing room and

have a cup of tea.

You and me.

Could I bring a friend?

Thank you. Thank you.

Two points.

Kermit, Kermit, Kermit. Oh, listen, you've got to read this.

What? You're still on the assertive kick, Fozzie? Kind of, but listen,

you are going to love this. I have just written the greatest joke in the world.

It's the all -time comedy classic.

Kermit. In the history of show business, there has never been or will there ever

be a joke this funny. Here, read it. Go ahead, read it.

It's not funny. I got a better one.

you, Miss Diggie, but I understood that you weren't too, well, happy about me

being on the show.

Where did you ever get that idea?

Well, believe me, I understand. After all, it is your show, and I'm just a

here. Oh, Raquel, Raquel, Raquel, the burdens of being an international sex

goddess. Yes, well, I suppose. It must be nearly as tough for you.

Yes, me too.

It gets to be kind of a board, doesn't it?

Although there's still a lot of joy left in being a woman, don't you agree?

Mm -hmm. And I plan to gather up all I can while it lasts. Oh, Raquel, stand by

for your solo number.

Solo?

Yes, you don't mind, do you?

Of course not.

Oh,

is that the costume for the solo number?

How sweet.

Thank you. They made it especially for me.

And now,

once again, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our wonderful and indescribable

fantastic guest star, Is she ready yet?

Who? Raquel.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Quick, he's getting on my Raquel wall.

I can wash out 44 pairs of socks and have them hanging out on the line.

I can starch an iron two dozen shirts. Well,

I can scoop up a great big dipper full of lard from the dripping scale.

Throw it in the skillet, go out and do my shopping and be back before it melts

in my pants. Because I love women.

W -O -M -A -N.

Like I said again.

I can rub and scrub.

this house and it's shining just like a dime.

Feed the baby, grease the car, and powder my face all at the same time.

I can get all dressed up, go out and swing till 4 a .m. and then lay down at

jump up at 6, and start all over again. Cause I'm a woman.

W -O -M -A -N.

Like to say it again.

If you come to me sickly, you know that I'm going to make you well.

If you come to me hexed up, you know I'm going to break the spell.

If you come to me hungry, you know I'm going to fill you all full of grits.

If it's love and you like it, I'll kiss you and give you the sugar.

I can stretch a greenback dollar bill from here to kingdom come.

I can play the numbers, pay the bills, and still end up with some.

I got a $20 gold piece, says there ain't nothing I can't do.

I can make a dress out of a food sack.

You can what?

I said I can make a dress out of a food sack.

What do you do with a food sack?

Well, honey, I can make anything look good. Oh, yes!

to do so. I seriously suspect that this is the end. But before we go, let us

have a warm thank you to our very special guest, our Miss Raquel Welch.

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, thank you very much, Kermit. I had a wonderful time, but I don't think I

changed my image. Hey, Raquel, sweetie baby, you want to go tell a joke

together?

You may not have changed your image, but I think you may have changed ours.

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

Bye -bye.

Have you ever thought there must be life after death? Every time I leave this

theater.