Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

Just when people were beginning to think the Muppets were really, really

wholesome, my father went out and booked one of the most controversial acts of

the 1970s, Alice Cooper.

Welcome to my nightmare.

One of Alice's songs was so controversial at the time, it was banned

high schools across the country.

It was called School's Out.

And then to balance out all of that craziness that Alice brought to the

father had probably one of the sweetest pieces we've ever done on The Muppet

Show, which is Robin the Frog singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Somewhere over the rainbow.

The episode has a little bit of something in it for everyone.

Here it is, The Muppet Show with Alice Cooper.

Alice Cooper, 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Cooper.

Ready whenever you say, Scooter.

Sir, I think there's something you should know.

Yes? These monsters aren't ours.

I know.

They're mine.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Alice Cooper.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Why don't you get things started?

Now you've got to admit, the opening is catchy.

So smallpox.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, palpitational, this is Black Week.

Hey, tonight our special guest star is one of the world's most talented but

frightening performers, Alice Cooper.

So, beware of ghoulies and ghosties and long -legged beasties and things that go

bump in the night.

That does it. I'm leaving.

Here's Alice Cooper.

I think you're gonna feel you belong.

Welcome to my nightmare.

Welcome to

my breakdown.

I hope I didn't scare you.

That's just the way we are when we come down.

Yeah.

Sweat and laugh and scream here.

Because life is just a dream here.

You know inside you feel right at home.

Yeah.

Welcome to my breakdown.

Welcome to my

nightmare.

welcome to my nightmare i think you're gonna like it

i think you're gonna feel you know

come to my night

welcome

to my nightmare

Where do you suppose he got the name Alice?

Oh, it's a family name. He was named after a maiden uncle.

It wasn't spooky like this when Julie Andrews did the show.

Let's see, what's next? William Tell Act. William Tell Act on stage, you

Come on, move it, move it, move it.

Don't shout. It makes me nervous.

Okay, way to go, Alice.

Oh, thank you, Kermit. Oh, it must be great to be a rock star.

Oh, would you like to be a rock star?

Well, yeah, sure, sure. Love to be a rock star. Well, then just sign this

contract.

Uh, yes. I have a friend that runs a service.

He could guarantee to make you a rock star.

Yeah, well, when I said I wanted to be a rock star, I was just sort of half

kidding. I mean, oh, I'd like to be an astronaut, too.

Well, then just cross out the word rock star and write an asteroid.

I don't think I want anything to do with you.

Well, looks like you're stuck with it, doesn't it?

Just read it over anyways.

You must be kidding.

Why, how can he guarantee that? And what must it cost?

Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Not a penny, just your soul.

I'm sure I didn't hear that.

Or see it.

What's that I heard?

You just can't move when I'm shooting.

the other.

Weird. Weird joke.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.

Well, our latest development is the germ enlarger. For years, scientists have

had to study teensy -weensy germs under a powerful microscope.

But now, the germ enlarger makes the microscope obsolete.

Comes out of your pay, Beaker.

Here in this dish is isolated a sample of the deadly germ Streptococcus

yuckotherium. Now, watch what happens when Beaker adds one drop of germ

enlarger.

how easy it is now for Beaker to study that germ.

And vice versa.

That's all for now from Muppet Labs.

Once in a while,

that germ better not be contagious.

Party of the first part guarantees to give party of the second part fabulous

riches and worldwide fame.

Kermit, what is this contract?

Oh, that just belongs to Alice.

Oh, you know the Faust story?

No.

Well, you see, Faust sold his soul to the devil and in return became very rich

and very famous. And Alice says that this is that kind of a contract.

Really?

I have other plans for that.

A pin!

I gotta have a pin!

Somebody flies me, Scooter!

Oh, I've never known a toothache this bad before.

He's never known a toothache this bad before.

It's like having toothache all over my body.

It's like having toothache all over his body.

And another thing. And another thing. I keep hearing voices.

And what's worse,

the echo is often incorrect.

And sometimes... And sometimes it says what I'm

going to say before I said it. It says what I'm going to say.

Yeah, well... Yeah, well, none of this is helping my toothache.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

And you couldn't take the teeth as well.

Don't look at us.

Whoa.

I've never known a toothache this bad before.

He's never known a toothache this bad before.

It's like having toothache all over my body.

It's like having toothache all over my body.

Mr.

Cooper. Yes.

Let me come right to the point.

You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric,

naughty... Freako.

Why, thank you.

Freako's one, civilization zero.

Gladys, this show is so weird tonight. I'm going to stay right down here in the

canteen with these clean -cut kids.

Why can't we have one thing nice on this show tonight?

Oh boy, this is a spooky show.

This is my once a year day.

Once a year day. Felt the morning sun and knew that this was my once a year

Once a year day.

Even got a kiss from you. I feel like hopping up and down.

Fences climbing trees, what pleases me is what I do, cause this is my once a

year day, once a year day.

Everyone's entitled to be wild, be a child, be a goof, break a roof, once a

day.

This was my once -a -year day, once -a -year day, felt the morning sun and knew

that this was my once -a -year day, once -a -year day.

Everyone's entitled to be wild, be a child, be a moon, break a roof.

And with the power vested in me, I have touched you and made you beautiful.

Let no man call you ugly.

With me at your side, we will lead a life of eternal happiness.

When I get home from work, I want to wrap myself around you.

I want to take you, squeeze you till the passion starts to rise.

I'd like to take you to heaven.

That would make my day complete.

But you and me ain't no movie stars.

What we are is what we are.

We share a bed, some loving, and TV.

That's enough for a working man.

What I am is what I am.

I'll tell you, baby, you're just enough for me.

Sometimes when you're asleep and I'm just staring at the ceiling,

I want to reach out and touch you, but you just go on

dreaming.

I'd like to take you to heaven.

That would make my day complete.

But you and me ain't no superstars.

What we are is what we are.

We share a bed, some popcorn and TV.

And that's enough for a working man.

What I am is what I am.

I'll tell you, baby, you're just enough for me.

I'll tell you, baby, you're just enough for me.

Excuse me. Hey, who turned off the lights?

Miss Piggy wanted on stage for Pigs in Space.

I'll be right there.

Pardon moi, Alessimo.

Listen, Cooper, the deal is off.

Make with the magic.

Oh, all right.

All right.

All right. All right.

That's better. And you can tell your man I wouldn't sell you my soul if you paid

me.

Creep.

Yeah. Well, boss?

No, no, I didn't make a sale.

Listen, do I get any commission on hourly rentals?

Touchy.

And now, Pigs in Space!

When we last saw the spaceship Swine Trek, Captain Link Hogthrob was

from a mysterious space disease.

First make the...

Help me move Link back to the electrocosmotron.

Yes, yes.

It's like King Kong.

Easy. Good, good.

Oh, doctor, does he stand a chance?

Well, I hesitate to try this shock treatment. It's very dangerous and it

kill him.

Oh, is there no alternative?

Well, you could give him mouth -to -mouth resuscitation.

You connect the wires. I'll throw the switch.

Ready? So, just now. All connected.

Three, two, one.

Look,

Dr. Strangeport. He's coming around.

Yes, it worked.

Turn it off now, First Mate Piggy.

Yes. Dr.

Strangeport, what happened? Oh, just temporary, Link. I said turn it off.

I did!

Uh -oh.

Sorry, Link.

But look at me. I'm just a show of my former self.

But, uh, you're much more interesting.

No, I think he looks weird.

Of course he looks weird. I'm just trying to make him feel better. Dumb old

Do you really think I look more interesting?

Yes, dear.

Well, in that case, how about a little kissy kissy?

What? Hmm?

out of sight.

I had my eyes.

But before we all go home and hide under the bed, let us bring out our very

special guest, our Alice Cooper.

It's been a real pleasure.

This is the voice of doom!

Sounds more like the voice of Gonzo.

Kermit, it's worse than that. This is the bill from special effects.

So that was Alice Cooper.

You should see his sister, James Fenimore.