Original subtitles

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James Coco!

James Coco!

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Coco!

Ah, thank you, Scooter. Would you tell Wardrobe that I like this jacket

Sure! Hey, Wardrobe, press that jacket!

Anything else?

No, no.

Hang it off.

It was just perfect, really.

It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, James Coco.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Why don't you get things started?

Here's your script.

Muppet Show, where our guest star tonight is the wonderful and very

James Coco.

But first, first we're going to open tonight's show with an underwater

So without more ado, last one in is a sissy.

I'd like to be...

Under the feet in an octopus's garden in the shade.

He let us in, knows where we've been in his octopus's

garden in the shade.

I'd like my friends to come and see an

octopus's garden with me.

I'd like to be.

Under the sea, in an octopus's garden, in the shade.

We would be warm, alone at dark,

in our little hideaway beneath the wave.

Resting our head on the seabed in an octopus's garden near

a cave.

We would sing.

Under the sea, in an octopus's garden, in a tree.

We would be so happy, you and me With no one there to tell

us what to do

Well,

that was different.

Did you like it? No?

Then it wasn't different.

Did you get any water on the seed, Paul?

Yeah, but it's okay. The next act will take care of it. Okay, dancing sponges,

you're on.

Smart thinking.

Oh,

you were great in that last number, Piggy. Thank you, Kermie. You know, I

like the water.

Oh, I'm glad.

Which means after we're married, we can live at your place.

Yeah.

Kermie, would you help me take this mermaid outfit off?

You mean to do the zipper back here?

Oh, I think so.

And now, our very special guest

star, James Coco, portraying a medium who will attempt to predict the future

a character who has no future.

Well done!

Boy, oh boy, am I ever excited. I've never been to a real gypsy clairvoyant

before. They say that for $10, you'll read your mind.

I wonder what he'd see in mine.

Three dollars change.

Are you Dr.

Coco the Happy Medium? That's right, that's right.

And you? Yes.

You are Farty Bear.

And I am Seasick.

Thank you. Thank you.

I've got to know one thing.

Yes, I can.

Can you predict the future? I just need it.

I want to know what my future in romance will be. Let me see

if my crystal ball will speak to me.

Bad news.

What, what, what, what, what?

It spoke to me.

You see a tall, cute stranger?

It could be taller.

It could be cuter.

But it couldn't be stranger.

Hi, Fozzie.

Beauregard, I want to get my future told.

I want to get my hair down.

I just want to get on with the sketch.

But, but, but, but you're a medium.

Are you kidding? Medium? I'm an extra large.

Howdy, y 'all. Are you the senior citizens of Abilene?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, shucks. I'm Chester Pugh. I'm due to show up at their seance.

Are you late?

Of course, I'm late, Chester Pugh.

Never. Better late than never.

But this isn't even a real seance. It isn't. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

Jimmy, you mean...

He's not part of the sketch.

No. This is a show.

A show?

I'll say, I'd like to say hello to Ma and Pa and all the night shift down at

Schneider's. Listen for everybody on the other side.

Oh, Danny boy.

Huh? No good. Why?

Well, it's just no rhythm, no pace.

Not even good looking.

Jimmy? Jimmy, is this supposed to go this way?

Of course not. I didn't know we'd get a real ghost.

Oh, look!

The table is gravitating!

I'm going to get killed!

No, I'm going to get lunch!

Well, what can we do now?

But I'll be here in sunshine or in

shadow. Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy,

I love you so.

What was that? It's called the

medium sketch.

The medium sketch?

Yeah, it wasn't rare, and it certainly wasn't well done.

That was disgusting.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

That sketch was the last straw.

That does it. I am leaving.

Well, don't you have anything to say to me before I go?

Oh, yeah.

On your way out, would you empty the garbage?

I have spent my last moment in this theater.

Oh, that's too bad, Sam.

You're going to miss my tribute to Beethoven.

I don't care as long as... Beethoven?

Are you serious?

What did I joke about Beethoven?

He's my idol.

See?

Oh, Beethoven at last.

Well, for Beethoven I'll stay. He's my favorite playwright.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

All he had was eight little notes, just eight little notes. But, oh, what Mr.

B did with Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do, Do.

All he used were eight little notes, just eight. Count them eight like these.

He'd mix and match and hatch a batch of catchy melodies.

Now I could take two notes and come up with nothing of note.

Mr. B took a G and a flattened E and wrote.

Wouldn't that be fantastic?

Though all he had was eight little notes, just eight little notes like

which goes to show that one man's scale is another man's symphonies.

Oh, yeah.

Yet, all he had was eight little notes, just eight little notes, just eight. But

he wrote nine symphonies and also some great quartets, quintets, fugues, and

cantatas, plus an opera and a few cantatas, using only eight little notes

row.

Okay, set up the kitchen. The Swedish chef is on next.

Oh, Kermit, you have a terrific show here.

Oh, oh, well, thank you, James. It's not exactly Broadway, but... Oh, you mean

with all the girls and the glitter and the rattle -dazzle? Yeah, I guess so.

You don't need it.

I mean, this show moves. It's got pace, pace, pace.

You know what I mean?

Pace? You got it. I mean, you only need rattle -dazzle if you've got a dull,

slow -moving act, you know? But I have been watching this show. It is dynamic.

It is full of sex appeal. It is fat.

You do not need razzle -dazzle. You have... What

is that?

The next act.

You need razzle -dazzle.

Musicians, chorus girls, dancers, anything that moves. Yes, sir. Quick,

quick. What can I do about the lights?

Ah, switch.

There you go.

Fantastic.

... ... ...

...

A banana split.

A banana split.

A banana split.

A banana split.

A banana split.

A banana split. A banana split.

A banana split.

A banana split.

For no banana split.

Well,

the chef's done it again.

Done what?

Nothing.

Is he going to be all right?

I doubt it. He never has been.

Well, what's next?

Let's see. A singer. Oh, good. Now we can relax. Singing is always good. Music

is terrific. Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket.

Catch a... Kermit, we have a lot of work to do.

Catch a falling star and put it in your

pocket. Save it for a rainy day.

For love may come and tap you on the shoulder.

Hey, your pants are on fire. One star.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Well,

you can't win them all.

I'd settle for a tie.

What did you guys do to me?

I almost got killed out there.

Almost?

What's next?

Oh, well, it's the veterinarian's hospital.

Veterinarian's hospital?

Yeah, it's this part where we tell bad jokes and it's death.

Uh -huh.

Well, I have just the thing that'll liven it up. It never fails.

Oh, yeah? Uh -huh.

Girl.

Girl, oh, yeah. Right.

Girl, say it. Girl. Girl.

Right now for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack.

Say cheese.

Oh.

Close enough.

Now,

yes, nurse, tell me, what's wrong with this patient?

Oh, Dr. Bob, he has acute appendicitis. I don't care how cute it is, it has to

come out.

Music, lights, dances, quick.

Dr. Bob, how can you concentrate with those girls dancing by?

Easy, I never take my eyes off them.

Bring on the girls, quick.

That's the girls?

Why do they keep dancing that way? That's the way they get their kicks.

I'd love to be on Broadway.

Yeah, I can see your name in lights.

25 watts.

Oh, 25 watts?

That's not very bright.

Look who's talking.

This is good. This is excellent.

I've changed my mind. I am not taking out the appendix.

What are you taking out? The blonde on the end.

And so we come to the end of another veterinarian's hospital.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say... Dr.

Bob, you cannot go out with a chorus girl. What about the patient?

Why should I go out with someone who's sick?

Any luck? No, I checked all the doors.

They got us locked in.

Okay.

with those showgirls? Well, we just kind of threw them in. Yeah, well, throw

them out.

Yes. Herman, I'm ready for my closing number.

Oh, good.

Listen, you know, I realize things have been a little ragged so far, but just

wait till you see the closing number we have planned for you. It's a wonderful

thing. We have staircases and waterfalls. We have colored lights and

machines and 38 chorus girls. That's the fact that you're shaking your head from

side to side mean what I think it does. That's right.

I would really like...

I'd like a change of pace. I'd like to do something simple. You know, something

small. Yeah, but closing numbers are a big extravaganza. No, no, no. Small.

Small, Kermit.

Small. Small.

Yeah, but... No, no, no, Kermit.

Really small.

Really small. Yeah, small.

Small. Trust me. Just introduce me.

Kermit, you're going to love it. I promise you, you're really going to love

Now, Kermit, just introduce me. What?

Well, here once again, ladies and gentlemen, is our guest star, James

very small, gigantic finale.

Hit it, guys!

Hi,

guys. You look gorgeous.

Terrific.

Short people got no reason. Short people got no reason. Short people got

no reason to live.

They got little hands and little eyes and they go around telling great big

They got little noses and tiny little teeth. They wear platform shoes on their

tiny little feet. Well, I don't want no short people.

I don't want no short people.

I don't want no short people. people around here.

Short people are just the same as you and I.

All men are brothers until the day they die.

Short people got nobody.

Short people got nobody.

Short people got nobody to love.

They got little baby legs and they stand so low. You got to pick him up just to

say hello.

They got little paws that go beep, beep, beep.

They got little voices going peep, peep, peep. Grubby little fingers and dirty

little minds.

They're going to get you every time. I don't want no short people.

I don't want no short people.

around here.

I hope I haven't offended you. You know, I was short once myself.

Oh, Kermit, thank you. I really enjoyed myself tonight.

Oh, I'm glad. I just loved your number with the short people. Did you? You

think they resented it, do you? Oh, no. They loved it. Right, short people?

Why should we leave now? The worst part's over.