All language subtitles for the_muppet_show_-_s02e23_-_cleo_laine

Cleo Lane?

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Lane.
I'm ready.

Oh, I hope the Muppets like me. Like?
Love!

Love, Cleo Lane!

Love!

Hey!

Hate me a little, will you?

Love!

Love!

It's the Muppet Show with our special
guest, our Miss Cleo...

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

It's time to get things started.

one of the truly great stars.

Thank you, thank you. You are too kind.

I am not kind and you are not the star.

Can I talk to you for a second? My
mother is in the audience.

Hi, Ma!

Watch me tonight.

In addition to our very funny bear,
tonight's guest

is one of the truly great singers, Miss
Cleo.

Kermit, do you realize that my mother is
in the audience tonight and I wasn't

even in the opening number?

I don't care.

You don't care? Well, why not?

Because I'm all scrunched up.

You are scrunched up.

Hey, hey, but Kermit, you see, my
mother... Fonzie, would you unscrunch

My mother came here tonight, Kermit.
Check. And so did Cleo Lane. I gotta go

introduce her.

But, Kermit, when is the bear on?

That's what I want to know. When is the
bear on?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives
me great pleasure to introduce a lady

with a truly remarkable voice. Kermit,
Kermit, quick, look up there.

What?

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Lane.

You know, it gives me great pleasure to
be appearing here with Dr. Teeth and the

Electric Mayhem Orchestra.

Hey, thank you, Cleo. You know, I melt
down those gold records and put them in

my teeth.

It's called putting your money where
your mouth is.

And here we have the man on bass guitar,
the hippest of the hip, Floyd.

And then we have the weirdest man of the
weird, the man on saxophone, Zoot.

Yeah, it was written a zebra and a
geranium should never use the same

toothbrush.

Fortunately, good, Zoot.

And here on guitar, the lovely lady
herself, Janet.

Oh, wow.

I'm really honored to be here, really.

For sure.

I'd rather not introduce him. Oh, he
won't hurt you, Cleo.

Must be time for me to go on, right?

Uh, no, no, now it's time for Pigs in
Space.

What? Mm -hmm. Kermit, please let me at
least be in Pigs in Space.

Uh, you can't.

Well, why can't I be in Pigs in Space?

Because you're not a pig.

Well, nobody's perfect.

Oh, if only I had an idea to get me into
Pigs in Space.

Will somebody please bring me my Pigs in
Space costume?

featuring the Neanderthalic Captain Link
Hogthrob, the overdeveloped first mate

Miss Piglet, and the tridecophobic Dr.

Julius Strangepork.

As we left our heroes last week, Captain
Hogthrob had just ordered the Swine

Trek's biannual inspection.

Dr. Strangepork, call the entire crew on
deck for inspection.

This ship is a disgrace.

Worse than that, it's like a pigsty.

We thought it was kind of homey, Link.

Doctor, you're out of line.

I want this entire ship swabbed down
from stem to, uh, from stem to, uh, uh,

to the back part.

That's stern, Captain.

You bet that's stern.

I'm sick of sloppiness.

First mate, Biggie. Yes, sir.

Did you shave this morning?

No, mon capitaine, I did not.

Well, see that it never happens again.

Mark, we're only acting, don't worry.

What? Nothing, just, you know.

Okay, well, that goes for the rest of
you men, too.

Dismissed. Dismissed. Except for your
first mate, Biggie. Except for me. Yes,

sir. Oh, mon capitaine.

I, First Mate Piggy, would love to be of
service to Mon Capitaine, sir.

Ah, you would? Yes, sir.

Well, uh, let's step over to the console
here. Walk this way.

I try.

Uh, First Mate Piggy. Yes, sir.

Stand next to me. Yes, sir.

Look deep into my eyes. Yes, sir.

Give us a little kiss, Porkchop.

Yes. Holy ha -ha! No, sir!

For another confusing episode of Pigs in
Space.

Okay, where is Fozzie? How dare he steal
my costume?

I'll chop him into bear burgers.

Uh -oh.

Hiya, hiya, hiya. Hi, Ma.

It looks like it's just you and me for
the rest of the evening, folks.

Thought I'd come out and tell a few
jokes.

Sing a few songs.

Bobby, will you get off the stage?

That too, yes.

Let's see now, where was I?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's very seldom
that we have a guest puppeteer on the

show. In fact, between you and me, it's
rare that we have any puppeteers on the

show.

So it gives me great pleasure to
introduce a very talented young man, Mr.

Schwartz.

That puppet looks so alive.

Well, that's more than I can say for
you.

Here we go now.

In tropical swamps there are certain
times of day when all the citizens

to take their clothes off and perspire.

It's one of those rules that the
greatest fools obey.

Because the sun is far too sultry, and
one must avoid the sultry violet rain.

The natives grieve when the white men
leave their hut.

Because they're obviously definitely
not.

Mad dogs and Englishmen go out and admit
they're done. The Japanese don't care

too. The Chinese wouldn't dare too.

Hindus and Argentines, they firmly fall
to one.

But Englishmen detest a siesta.

In the Philippines, there are lovely
streets to protect you from the glare.

In the United States, perhaps I'd taste
which the Britishers won't wear.

At 12 noon, the natives swoon and know
for the work is done.

But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in
the midday sun.

Oh, very good.

It's such a surprise for eastern eyes to
see.

What? That though the English are
extinct, they're quite impervious to

When the white man rides, every native
hides in glee. Why is that?

Because a simple creature's hope he will
impair his soul or to be on a tree.

It's a bunch of shame in the English
clean, yeah?

That they give rise to such hilarity
and... Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in

the midday sun.

The smallest melee rabbit deplores his
awful habit.

In Hong Kong, they strike a gong and
fire up a new day gun.

To reprimand his inmate, who's in late.
Serves him right.

In the mangrove swamps with the tithon
rafts, there's peace from twelve to two.

And caribous lie around and snooze,
there's nothing else to do.

In Bengal, they move at all, he sells me
for every time.

But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in
the midday, out in the midday, out in

midday, out in the midday, out in the
midday, out in the midday, out in the

midday, son.

Okay, Kermit, now you're going to
introduce me, right?

Uh, no.

But, Kermit, my mother is in the
audience. When do I go on?

When do you go on? You've already been
in all the introductions, Pigs in Space,

and everything else.

What do you want, star billing?

That would be nice.

You look like a very understanding
person, and maybe you could solve my

for me, you see. I hear singing and
there's no one there.

I smell blossoms and the trees are bare.

All day long I seem to walk on air.

I wonder why.

I wonder why.

Can you tell me why? Because of your
behavior.

let's get this together shall we

What's that?

Cooking is the second worst thing he
does.

And now, ladies and gentlemen... Come
here, please, Nami, please.

Yes, now.

Thank you, thank you.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, due to an
overwhelming demand from him, if not

the rest of us, here is our own furry
funny man, Fozzie Bear!

Hey, hey, thank you, thank you, thank
you, and thanks. Yo!

Yes, tonight.

because there is a certain someone
special in the audience, I will do a

act.

Framology.

Fram what?

And for this demonstration, I will need
a volunteer.

Fuzzy, what are you going to do? Trust
me, it's for my mother.

Okay. Okay, gang.

Framology. The art of reading a person's
fortune by feeling the bumps on his

head.

Okay, now, here we go.

Well,

I can tell you're a very flexible
person.

Yes, okay. Okay, here we go. I can see
in your future, tomorrow, yes,

tomorrow, you will have a stiff neck.

You're going to get another job
tomorrow, too, I tell you that.

Do it for Mom.

Okay, here we go.

Bob, you got some nice Bob's frog.

Bump. Bump. Wonderful.

Except your, your, uh, your bumps for
intelligence are very small.

What? Yeah. That's okay. It's okay. I
can fix that.

You're gonna what? You're gonna what?

What?

Hi.

Uh, Uncle Kermit's kind of busy right
now, so I don't think he'd mind if I

you that here now... accompanied by the
puppet artistry of Bruce Schwartz, is

the lovely Miss Cleo Lange.

If a

picture paints a thousand words, then
how

can I paint you the words?

would never show the you I've come to

know if a faith could launch

a thousand ships then where am I to

go there's no one

And when my love

for life is running dry,

you come and pour

yourself on me.

Tomorrow and the day beside

you.

Then...

Before we go, let's have a warm thank
you for our special guest star, ladies

gentlemen, Miss Cleo Lane.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks, Kermit. It's been a lot of fun,
really. Oh, yeah.

Hey, Fozzie. Did your mom enjoy the
show?

Oh, I don't know. I haven't even had
time to ask her. Oh, listen, Fozzie, why

don't you ask her? Okay.

Hey, Mom, how'd you like the show?

Well, shall we call it a night right as
well certainly wouldn't call it a show