Original subtitles

Okay, everybody, up and at them. Today's show is all about health and fitness.

Mr. Kermit, I've just found this book. It'll be perfect research for tonight's

show. Great. What is it? It's called The Encyclopedia of Silly Diseases.

Uh, Vicki, I don't really want to concentrate on illness tonight because

a celebration of health and vigor.

Oh, no problem.

I want to see everybody on their feet in the pink and full of beans.

Or not.

Somebody roll the opening titles.

and welcome to tonight's show.

Say, didn't you get the message? You're supposed to be wearing a pith helmet.

He's like that about wardrobe.

When we go to a nice restaurant, he refuses to put on a tie.

We're dressing tropical because later we're showing a timely tale of the

called The Song of the Cloud Forest.

I mean, why didn't I see it coming? Here I am. I have five years without a date,

and I'm acting like everything's hunky -dory. Don't be in yourself, Wilson.

But first, Muppet Television with Kermit the Frog in charge.

Kermit, what have you got for us?

Well, our very special guest star is Smokey Robinson.

Sounds terrific.

And what's the theme of the show?

Well, the theme is health in all its aspects.

Like, for instance, sickness.

Digit, good grief, you've got a cold.

Oh, it's a bad one, too. I just blew my nose a few of the three circuit

breakers.

The Jim Henson Hour will return after these messages.

Mr. Clifford. What? You don't understand.

You see, I passed out. I don't know where I got this book. And I've got this

lump on my head.

Oh, no excuses, Link. Kermit wants everybody out for a jog around the

lot. Come on, let's go.

It looks like some kind of a medical dictionary.

See what it says about lumps on the head.

Hi, Mr. Link.

I've got all the symptoms.

Lumps on the head, bouts of unconsciousness, and amnesia.

I've got Canadian snout fever.

Excuse me, but I've got to find Smokey Robinson.

In extreme cases, the victim hears strange noises and voices.

Hey, where's everybody?

Hey, Link.

Oh, no. They know my name.

Okay,

everybody, follow me into the control room. Nothing like a jog around the

parking lot to put mind and body in perfect harmony.

Now we're ready for the opening number.

Where is everybody?

Hey, guys, you should be in the recording studio.

Hey, Kermit, is this the band I'm going to use for my opening song?

Yeah, we're just trying to get in shape.

In shape, no.

Bad shape.

Yeah, I got that right. Sorry I'm late, Kerm. I went around twice.

Way to go, Clifford. And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you're ready back there,

here's Smokey Robinson and Solid Foam.

Just to see her, just to touch her,

just to hold her in my arms again one

more time.

If I could feel her warm embrace, see her smile

and face, can't find anyone else. I want to take her place.

I've got to see her again.

I would do anything.

I would go anywhere.

There's nothing I wouldn't do to see her again.

I can't hide it.

It's so hard to live without the love she gave to me.

Doesn't she know it?

I tried hard not to show it.

Ooh, can't I make her realize that she really needs me

again?

Digit, how's your cold?

What? I've got a cold. I can't hear you.

I say, how do you feel?

Oh, how do I feel?

Well, usually I just sort of stretch my arms out and kind of do

scrunchy things with my fingers.

And then sometimes I do kind of patty stuff.

And then I... Oh, Kermit, I am sorry.

I was doing squinchy things on your eyeballs.

Oh, that's okay. It was relaxing in a nerve -wracking sort of way. Why, thank

you. Hey, now, Digit, can we see the exercise show?

Certainly.

Oh, how do I feel?

Just push the button. Yes, sir.

Oh, welcome to Beanicide, the only exercise program on Earth designed to

you cute. Now, follow me, everybody.

Jump and prance and prance and jump. Don't just sit there like a lump and

hop, hop, hoppity hop, hop, mop, hoppity hop. Hippity hop, hippity hop, hippity

hop, hippity hop. Are you crazy?

Keep that up and you'll have a heart attack before the show's over.

I certainly hope so.

There's the bunny hug.

Now let's try a nice new big form fuzzy.

No, that's not what I meant.

That was great.

The show?

No, I just swallowed my teeth.

Mr.

Link, what are you doing in that wheelchair?

It's one of the symptoms of Canadian snout fever.

The legs go.

How dreadful. Your legs are gone?

No, but I don't want to be standing up when they do.

I have some pride, you know.

Wait a minute. That's one of those silly diseases.

It may be silly to you. You're not dying from it. Gosh, Mr. Hogthrob.

You're looking a bit glum. Go away and leave me alone.

Says here I've only hours to lose.

Oh, but those hours can be hours of fun. And I have just the thing for you.

Say hello to Mr. Balloon.

What's that, Mr. Balloon? You want to know what's wrong with our friend?

Well, let's just ask him. Mr. Balloon would like to know... I know what Mr.

Balloon wants to know. Tell him it's only a matter of hours before my snout

explodes.

Too bad.

My snout. Oh, well, looks like your new friend had to go away.

That happens sometimes.

It's called death.

Toodles.

I need a doctor.

And whom is it doth seek the wizard's help this day?

to be the problem. I'm having trouble sleeping.

Let's see. Are you a knight? Yes. Are you a good knight? Yes. Then what you

is a good knight sleep.

Anything else?

Yeah, I got this splitting headache.

Let's see. Is it a sharp pain? Yes. A sharp stabbing pain? Yes. Does it feel

like you got a sword through your head?

Yes. What is it? I haven't the faintest idea.

Sounds like stress.

What do you do for a living? I joust dragons and I rescue damsels in

That's not a dress. That's a suit of armor.

Will you get out of here?

The dragons aren't the problem. It's those giant things in the forest I'm

worried about.

Those crazy things?

Oh, yes. What can I do about them?

I suggest you take Cole Porter's advice.

You mean... Yes.

Joust one of those things.

Joust one of those crazy things? Yeah.

Aha! Says here that there's a traditional remedy for your problem. Oh,

What is it?

Leeches.

Or was it talcum powder?

Oh, he who can pull the sword free will be the king.

Will be the king?

You ain't nothing but a hound dog.

Crying all the time.

They never caught a rabbit and he ain't no friend of mine.

Yeah. That was a show for the 80s?

Sure, the 1380s.

Kermit, Kermit, I just came to warn you. You should rope yourself to a heavy

piece of equipment.

Rope myself to, why?

Because some of the monsters have caught this cold of mine.

The monsters? Which monsters? Mainly the bigger ones.

Sorry.

Well, you know, apart from the fact that everybody seems to be getting sick, I

think our health and fitness show is going extremely well. Yoo -hoo, Mr.

Why, it's Dr.

Bunsen Honeydew of Muppet Labs.

Yes. What can I do for you, Doctor?

Well... through your doing a show about health and fitness.

Yes? What a perfect time for me to demonstrate my new invention.

Okay, let's see it. Thank you.

Exercise is often far from the thoughts of today's busy executive, such as the

one portrayed by my lovely assistant, Beaker.

But neglecting one's exercise is a thing of the past with Muppet Lab's new

Exercise -O -Matic Boots.

Just set the timer and a gentle chime alerts you that your pre -programmed

workout is about to begin.

First, the boots warm you up with a series of gentle stretches.

To the left.

And to the right.

Both together.

And wide apart.

Then it's time for jogging.

Recognizing the facial limitations of the corporate workspace, the boots are

designed to use every open surface, as you are about to see.

But exercise must never supersede executive responsibilities.

Therefore, the boots stop automatically at the sound of a ringing telephone.

Muppet Labs.

Technology for a healthier you.

No. Hiya, lanky babe.

How goes the Canadian snout fever?

The end is near.

Oh, that's a shame.

Yes, I've been studying the book. Just before the end, the legs go, your snout

explodes, and then you begin mispronouncing words.

Doom, doom, doom.

That's dumb, dumb, dumb.

Oh, no. I'm mispronouncing words.

And now, our fitness special continues with a look at nutrition.

Cue the health food show.

Oh,

look at this cake, my friends. It is a dietary nightmare.

No, no, no, no, no. Diet today is all about survival.

And the cockroach is the greatest survivor on the planet. I am

Absolutely indestructible.

And why?

Because we eat to win.

You eat the cheese, we eat the mold.

You drink coffee, we eat the coffee ground.

The way of the roach is the way of the future.

Now, let me give you a little quiz, okay? Okay.

You get the live leaves and you reach for A, the peanuts, B, the chocolate.

C, the refrigerator.

By choosing C, you have opted for survival.

Question number two. You are on a low -cal diet, but you are invited to eat at

nice, fresh restaurant.

How do you avoid breaking your dietary rules?

And the correct answer is stay at home and eat linoleum. Bon appetit.

Good grief. What a mess.

What's the matter, Kerr?

Oh, well, it's just that I'm trying to do this health and fitness show and

everybody keeps getting sick or injured.

Yeah, it's too bad people don't take a more holistic approach to health. Well,

how do you mean? Well, there are many ways you can protect yourself against

negative influences.

Well, see this crystal right here? It focuses my life force and channels

positive attitudes.

Oh, I could use one of those.

Oh, well, bring your head around here.

Really? Yeah, right under here.

There you go. Like that? Wear it in good health. Wow, thank you, Clifford.

Resting is good, too.

I may have fractured a flipper. Cue the story.

Way back when the roads were still all wiggly and people lived closer to the

land, a farmer was about to start work when suddenly he heard an unfamiliar

voice. Hey, Mr. Farmer, over here.

What was that?

It was me, Old Cabbage Head.

You know, it gets pretty cold out here in this field. I was wondering, could

take me home?

A talking cabbage.

I'm home.

Me too.

Glory be.

What's that?

It's a talking cabbage. Surely the greatest miracle the world has ever

Well, don't just stand there. Sit the little feller down.

I'll put him here by the fire.

Thanks. You won't regret that.

The next day, the farmer carefully counted his blessings.

One, uh, talking cabbage.

Two, a really fine piece of real estate.

What was that?

Well, let's face it, the sub -development potential of this property

fantastic.

It's a talking cow.

One thing rather puzzles me, though. How come the cabbage gets to live inside,

hmm?

Nice place you got here.

We like it.

You really like this talking animal stuff, don't you? Oh, yes. I think of it

a kind of a blessing.

Good. And this should make your day.

In here, boys.

Hey, how's it going?

How about those rams?

And so during the next few days, it seemed that the whole world and

in it had started talking to the farmer. And it seemed to his wife that the

farmer had asked the whole world and everything in it into their little

Until at last, things had come to a head.

It's a very bad arrangement.

God made houses.

so that human beings wouldn't have to live with animals.

And so the farmer and his wife did the sensible thing and moved into the barn,

where they lived reasonably happy ever after.

Our lives were blessed with a miracle. Let's not become ungrateful.

Hi, I'm your skirt.

Hi, I'm your towel.

Good story.

Oh, Gonzo, how's your nose?

It's not my nose I'm worried about. It's chickens.

You know what happens when a chicken catches a cold?

No, what?

Well,

they don't weigh very much.

But they have very powerful feet.

Hey, Kermit. Yes, Mookie? Is it my imagination or is everybody on this show

sick? Well, we think it's just sort of a 24 -hour flu.

Hey, man, well, I can't wait that long. I got a closing number to do.

Well, do you mind working with jet -propelled chickens?

That's my favorite way to work.

Well, cue the finale.

Oh, wait a minute. It's just one thing.

What's that?

I'm a big Link Hogthrob fan.

Oh? And we could really use his brand of brawny charisma on this closing number.

Closing number?

I'm sorry, but Link is really sick, aren't you, Link?

It's a miracle.

Hey, I work with miracles.

Oh, okay. Well, take it away, Smokey.

Jump.

All my love. Jump in.

And puberty.

Jump. You only want to take my kisses in the night, baby.

Jump, jump. All my love.

Jump. All my heart. Can't make you happy.

Jump in. Jump.

If you wanna feel my kisses in the night, baby.

Jump, jump for my love.

You told me I'm the only woman for you.

Nobody does it like I do.

If you want more, if you want more, more, more, more, more, more, more.

This kind of high -energy music brings it all back.

You're you? Oh, my lunch.

Jump, jump, oh, my love, jump. I know my heart can make you happy.

Jumping, you know, because I'm the kind of feeling you want.

I'm gonna take my kisses in the night, babe.

Jump, jump for my love.

When I am next to you, oh, I come alive.

Love burns in my heart.

You know my heart can make you happy.

about tonight's story. It's visually stunning and has a lovely script by

Young. It's called The Song of the Cloud Forest.

Can't you read how you just puff up and do that?

Muscle control, Will. You gotta use the abdominals. Oh, the abdominals, yeah.

Listen.

What?

Nah. For a second there, I thought I heard her.

What does she sound like, Milton?

Oh, it's the most beautiful song in the rainforest.

Kind of husky and wistful.

Husky and wistful?

Hey, you gotta be a golden toad.

Do you really think she's going to answer you? Well, all I can do is hope.

practice my mating call until one day I smell her musky perfume on the breeze.

Maybe if I join you...

Did you hear music just then? Music?

That's just Mother Nature clearing her throat, you know.

Really? I heard what I heard.

Hey, it's music to my ears, too.

I love this little spot.

I think they might cut all of this down.

Sometimes this place makes me feel like I'm in church.

Tell me about it.

Do you really think there are any golden toads left in this cloud forest?

Mr. Toad is not only endangered, he's virtually extinct.

Oh, no!

Don't go all blue, Blanche. The uprights don't know what they're talking about.

If we're ever going to get a male specimen, this is the place.

This mountainside's the only spot I've ever heard one of the little guys sing.

Let's go and check the trap we set yesterday.

Did you hear what the

upright said about Milton?

Virtually extinct.

Rumors, Blanche.

I think someone should at least call up there and tell him. If Milton is really

headed for extinction, what good does telling him do?

Yes, all the little guy ever talks about is how lonely he's feeling. You're

absolutely right.

That kind of news might put him right over the top.

We've got to do something.

It's the upright parents saying they'll capture him.

Excuse me, Miss Chameleon. You're really starting to throb.

Castle, you're good with bad news.

Go up and have a talk with him. But what does one say?

Give him the straight...

Blanche.

Endangered? They come to capture you before you disappear completely.

Oh, no!

I mean, I knew I was rare.

You don't sing an unanswered mating song for five years without twigging to

that. But endangered?

Virtually extinct.

Their words.

Virtually extinct?

We love you, Milton.

Milton,

the last golden toad. I can't stand it.

Hey, come on, Wilf. Later with the tears, all right?

But I'm going to miss you, Milton.

But I'm not extinct yet.

I mean, why should I believe them?

Maybe they've got it all wrong.

Maybe these woods are teeming with females.

Why hasn't one of them answered your mating song?

Well, maybe I'm stuck in the wrong part of the forest.

That's got to be it.

Yeah. I mean, I've been sitting up here in the treetops waiting for them to come

to me. Come on, let's go.

Go where?

Well, concentrate.

To the forest floor. I've got to get down there and get my act together.

I think you need to talk to your friends, Milton.

Good idea.

It's not a question of blame. I'm just not mentally prepared for extinction.

I just know there are females out there. Maybe there's some problem with my

song. I mean, I am self -taught.

Milton, the only problem with your song is if you sing, the uprights will catch

you. Yeah, you should just roll up in a tight ball and hide under a big rock.

He may be a golden toad, but he's certainly not yellow.

Mum's got a point, guys.

It's a sing -or -die situation.

Well, if I was you, I'd sing right now.

No, he mustn't. Hey, guys, sing.

No. Sing. This is not helpful. You've got to sing.

No, it could be suicide.

Wait. Everybody. Whenever a creature disappears...

Ketzel is right.

Remember what happened when we lost the ruby -tailed hummingbird?

It's bingo, bango, bongo, brother. One goodbye leads to another.

Right down the line.

It'll be like that if you disappear, Milton.

Milton's paradise lost forever.

Oh, I've just got to find a mate.

Looks like our female didn't attract any boyfriend.

Maybe she's been in captivity for so long she's forgotten what to do.

No way. She's giving off her scent molecules right now.

Yeah, but why doesn't she sing?

Don't worry. If there's another golden toad in the forest, they'll be

each other soon enough.

I hope so.

All I can tell you is this whole thing is beginning to make me feel very

uncomfortable.

So what are you going to do, Milton?

Well, I guess I'll just have to go where no toad has gone before.

Find some place far away from here where I can sing my song without having to

worry about the uprights.

And... Hold on. Do you smell what I smell?

I know what you mean.

Nick's about to shed his skin.

I beg your pardon? Female.

There's a female golden toad and...

She's headed this way.

Are you sure?

What do you mean, am I sure? I've been preparing for this moment all my life.

How do I look?

Kind of slimy, actually.

Oh, thank goodness.

Quick, baby, do your song.

All I'm trying to say is I've never felt good about putting creatures in cages.

Well, in this case, what option do we have?

If we want to save the golden toad, we have to capture a male and take him back

to the lair.

It's a male.

And he's close.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Sounding good, Milton.

That's an alarm call.

What's wrong?

Updates and they're closing fast.

Everybody fade in.

Talk about magic moment.

She's getting closer.

Just up ahead.

Somebody do something.

Quick,

come help me look.

Got a female.

I have to meet her.

Looks like they're gone.

Yeah, but look what they left behind.

Whoa, that gorgeous female was in here. Oh, be careful, Milton. It could be a

trap. Whoa, that must be perfume.

Let's go find the others before the uprights come back.

Okay, now we just gently...

press the female scent glands right behind the ear hole like that.

There, see, that didn't hurt, did it?

Yeah, there we go.

Now,

we've got that male surrounded by scented traps.

Wish I was sure about all this.

Come on, let's go get something to eat.

Watch your step here.

Wolf's on the case, Blanche. Relax.

You're really starting to clash.

Oh, Nick, you know I can't hide my feelings when I'm upset.

When the red, red robin comes bob, bob, bobbing along, you... Ralph

Robin? What a surprise.

Must be that time of year.

Hey, hey, Mr. Springtime is back.

Oh, I'm just a kid again, doing what I did again, singing a song.

Because the red, red robin is a bob, bob, bobbing long.

I'm not in the mood for Ralph and his razzmatazz.

Oh, come on, he might cheer us up.

Like the whole valley is changing or something.

Funny, we were just talking about that the other day.

The uprights are making a major move into the territory.

Hey, did I notice?

is a smoldering ruin.

Yeah, all you hear down there is chainsaws.

And the uprights say poor Milton is headed for extinction.

Hey, Milton, extinction.

Tough for tooties.

Hey, I'm not extinct yet.

The uprights are holding a female hostage, and I'm going to rescue her.

Hey, if I was you, I'd stay out of it. What?

Yeah, I know a thing or two about these uprights, okay?

I mean, I got a couple... Couple of million of them living around my tree up

north. And? Hey, who knows? Maybe they got big plans for the real estate.

I have never understood what the uprights actually do with all the

they cut down.

Good question. Yes, what do they do with it?

Do with it? Well, actually, as far as I know, they eat it.

Eat it?

Yeah. You wouldn't believe me what I tell you to be true, my friend.

You wouldn't believe.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

and stuff for avatars they got.

I'm telling you word, my friend, it isn't getting better.

I'm telling you true now. We're all in this together.

We'd better be careful lest we wind up on a silver platter dipped in...

I had no idea they were so bloodthirsty.

You'd be an infant hors d 'oeuvre, Miltie.

There's no hope.

We're powerless. The uprights are going to do whatever they want. They do tend

to control the flow of events.

Where are you going?

I think I want to be alone for a while.

But you've never been out of your tree at night, Milton. It can be dangerous

down here.

Easy, Wilf. He needs to sort this one out for himself.

I guess when things get this bad, there's no point in feeling or thinking

anything.

Why worry?

I mean, if things can't get any worse, no matter what you do,

can I bother doing anything?

But on the other hand, if I don't do anything at all, then... Oh, it's no

The arguments just keep going around in circles.

If only there was some way to rescue her.

We'd settle down and fill these treetops with baby toes.

There was a time when life was free.

I used to smile.

so easily but the time has come where I just

don't see a reason

and the moon is

melting out of the sky dipping into the water

so blue we understand

The moon and I Cause blue is a feeling too

There was a time When life was

grand Who could have known What life had planned

As the world rolls along

Guess it's too late for happy endings now.

Don't bet on it.

Relax. I don't eat goats.

What do you want from me?

I'm an elder.

Perhaps I can help you.

Nobody can help me now. According to the uprights, I'm about to disappear.

We were here long before the uprights came.

We may be here long after they're gone.

But meanwhile, I'm the one on the verge of extinction.

What do I do?

What's my heart got to do with this?

What do I do?

Listen to what?

All I know is one dinky little song.

Still, it's worth a try.

Looks like he sprung this one.

He's picked up her scent.

That a boy.

Oh, no. Poor Milton.

He just can't help himself.

This song never sounded so beautiful.

Oh, listen to her.

Yeah, it's working like a charm. Stand back here. She'll call him right in.

This whole thing is breaking my heart.

These poor defenseless little creatures.

Never mind your heart.

We've got ourselves a male.

Looking very bad.

And sounding very good. The whole forest is joining in.

I've never heard anything like this.

This entire rainforest is trying to tell us something.

You're different.

We can't go through with this.

What are you talking about?

It's not one species that's at risk here. It's everything and everyone. It's

What are you doing?

I'm letting her go.

What? She belongs here.

Louise, that may be the last golden toad we ever see.

Not if we let nature take its course.

Here's something else, you know that?

Hi.

Hello.

The name is Milton.

Milton? What a lovely name. Oh, Ruth is a very pretty

name, too.

Look,

you'll have to excuse me. I'm not really that good at this aspect of the

courting ritual.

I've been alone a lot.

Me, too.

You know, more or less cooped up in one tree.

Oh,

yes, mahogany. Absolutely.

Nothing touches it for stability and comfort.

Oh, I keep a huge garden.

Five, maybe six kinds of bark fungus.

It's nice to meet someone who appreciates fungus.

Yes, and so many creatures don't.

In the story you've just seen, the real reason Milton is endangered is that our

rainforests are disappearing.

Did you know that?

It matters to guys like this.

It matters to guys like us, too.

Hey,

we're in a tie.

That's terrific.

Means we can go to a nice restaurant for a change.

We'll see you next week.