Original subtitles

Oh, Kermit, can I borrow this for my round things party?

Bean, where did you get that? On the roof. But don't worry, I disconnected

the wires.

Bean, that's our satellite dish.

Did I do something wrong?

Oh, Bean, I tell you what. Why don't I just take Mr. Satellite Dish back up to

the roof, and you can help Digit start the show.

Oh, okay.

Digit? Yes, Kermit.

Where's Kermit? He said I could help you start the show. He's up on the roof.

The roof?

It's not safe up there. I'd better tell him to come down.

Kermit, come in. Kermit, come in.

He came in.

Let's watch the opening.

And welcome to our show.

Tonight we travel to a strange land where everyone and everything seems to

magic. The world of Lighthouse Island.

Have a cider.

Zeb Norman.

Thank you. I am thirsty. I just rode my bicycle all the way from Charlene.

But first, Muppet Television.

Kermit, what's the show about?

Well, there's a lot of fish in it, so I guess it's going to be kind of a friends

and relations show for me.

Great. Give my best to your folks.

Will do, Jim.

It's going to be a wonderful show with our great guest star, Ted Danson.

Hey, Lindbergh, have you fixed that hole in the roof yet?

Just about, Jim Skipper.

All good.

Because I want everything ship -shaped for our guest star.

Uh -oh.

Whoa!

Anybody got an umbrella?

The Jim Henson Hour will return after these messages.

on and we'll get you out of there. I found the busted pipe and they turned

the water. Oh, good.

Oh, hi there. We've got a terrific show lined up for you with a heap of pirates,

some singing fish, and our very special guest star, Mr. Ted Danson.

Oh, thank you, Kermit. Is there any way I can help?

Well, gee, thanks, Ted, but the show usually just kind of takes care of

Oh, it's wonderful how calm and collected you are.

What's that hole doing down there?

Oh, well, the floor just kind of gave way there, but... And you're not even

worried. Boy, I tell you, this frog, unflappable.

Carry on. Oh, thanks.

Hey, Digit, cue the Balikian folk dance troupe. Check. On the hay, on the hay,

on the hay, on the hay.

Watch out for the... There's a hole in the hay you should... Don't, don't,

don't... Is this a problem? Oh, no. No, no problem. Hey,

Digit, cancel the folk dance and cue the fish.

See? Boy, didn't even miss a beat.

Totally unflappable.

Splish, splash, I was taking a bath.

Long about Saturday night.

Rubber dog just relaxing in the tub.

Thinking everything was all right.

I stepped out of the tub with his feet on the floor.

I wrapped the towel around me and I opened up the door and then... Splish,

splash, he forgot about his bath.

How was I... No, there was a party going on. There was a splishing and a

splashing. We don't want to feel it. Moving and a grooving. Rocking and a

rolling. Yeah!

Bing, bang, I saw the whole gang dancing

on my living room rug.

Yeah!

Flip -flop, we were doing the pop. All the teams...

with a lollipop, with a freggy suit.

Good golly, Miss Molly was even there, too. Well, a splish -splash, he forgot

about it bad.

I went and put my dancing shoes on. I was rolling and a -scrolling, moving and

-grooving. Splishing and a -splashing, moving and a -grooving. I was

rolling and a -scrolling, moving and a -grooving.

Splish -splash, I was taking a bath.

Well,

I think that went swimmingly.

Thanks, Chief.

Well, actually, I was talking about the fish number, but... I'm sorry about the

hole in the floor, folks.

But that dance number looked like it was going to be great.

Except for the ending, of course.

How deep is that hole, anyway?

Will you people please keep it down?

Some of us are trying to blast tunnels, you know. Hey, you got people dancing up

here or something?

This looks pretty bad.

Actually, it's just a minor problem.

Oh, minor problem? I like that.

Cedric, cue Merlin, would you? Oh, Merlin, he's funny.

And now it's time for the medieval medic with the mystical mind, Merlin the

Magician, M .D.

Whom is it that seek the wizard's help this day?

A guy with a fish through his head. Ta -da!

Sit down, sit down.

I've heard of catching fish, but this is ridiculous.

this happen? Well, this started out as a wart on my stomach. You stay out of

this. Who? You.

I'll just get here. Answer the question. Well, what was the question? Just like

I thought. It went in one ear and out the other.

Ta -da!

You'll have to speak up. I've got a herring in my ear. Then what you need is

herring aid.

Why?

Oh, just for the halibut.

Ta -da!

Thank you. Wait, I plead insanity.

No sane fish would ever agree to appear in this sketch. Are you sure?

Yes, it's beyond all reasonable trout.

Oh, magnificent Merlin. Mr. Pegasus is here for his checkup.

Pegasus, the mythical winged horse of story and song.

Send him in.

Hey, what about me?

I'm sorry, son, but I'm making a rule never to put the carp before the horse.

me to the hospital.

Hospital? That's pretty bad.

I like it.

Mr. Kermit? Uh, yeah? Ted Danson's ready on monitor five.

Oh, good. What's he got planned for us, Vicki? Well, Mr. Danson and I spoke

about it. I said perhaps a dramatic illustration of man's journey into

Uh, what did he say? He said he'd rather do a comedy sketch.

Oh, good. Cue Ted Danson.

But, well, aren't you... Were we lucky or...

Pumpkin just yesterday saying, let's take a cruise.

And now, here we are, lucky us, on the only cruise ship that had any room.

We're so lucky.

Ahoy there, you miserable landlubbers. Welcome to the Jolly Roger, flagship of

the pirate cruise line. So wash the bilge out of your ears and look lively.

Arrgh! I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm your host.

My name be Scurvy.

Scurvy? Been called that ever since I caught the dread plague and spent a

fortnight spitting up buckets of black blood.

Oh, well, yes, that's a lovely story, but I think there's been some sort of

mistake. Is there anybody else we could speak to?

Arrgh! Peg Leg, get your briny bones out here.

Hi, I'm Peg Leg. I'll be your waiter tonight. Our specials are salt pork and

maggoty biscuits.

Arrgh! I don't... think so.

Not that it isn't tempting.

Pumpkin? I'll just have a club soda.

Yes, two club sodas, please.

Club sodas? With a twist of lime.

Oh, you son of a sea cow. I'll give you club sodas. Oh, good. Here.

Ah, what's this?

Well, you want anything on the pirate cruise?

You've got to fight for it. Oh, I hate these places where you have to fight

way to the bar.

We'll see you.

club sodas, please?

Oh, well, uh, certainly, sir.

Will that be, uh, uh, uh, cash or, uh,

um, charge to your, uh, cabin, sir.

Charge, thank you. Oh, well, uh, just sign here.

Five fifteen percent of three doubloons.

is for you.

Timber!

Here we go, pumpkin. Here's your club soda.

Where's the twist of time?

Oh, no. I forgot it. Oh, never mind.

I'll get it.

into the spirit of things, doesn't he? Okay, chief. The floor is fixed. All

good. Yeah, I found this piece of wood exactly the right...

End of the first half.

So what comes next?

The beginning of the second half.

That makes sense.

Coming soon to a theater more or less near you, depending on where you live.

Below the sea.

Beneath the waves.

A new force has arrived. A force so powerful, so dynamic, no fish can stand

its way.

Now, from Neptune Pictures.

comes the aquatic explosion of fury that is Mario Malaschini's Karate Squid 3.

Karate Squid 3, now playing at a theater near someone who lives near a theater

somewhere.

Oh, Kermit, the underwater set has sprung a leak.

Quick, find something to plug it up with.

There, I've stopped the leak, Kermit.

Why do I keep thinking of Niagara Falls?

You've got water on the brain.

Hey, let's go to the extreme's great underwater number.

Absolutely. I connected the water to the sinks and the electricity to the power

outlets. Oh, fine. Thank you. You know, you're lucky to have a professional like

me around. Just think what would happen if I'd mix them up.

Mm, yeah.

Oh, pardon me, Kermit. I was going to dry my hair, but there seems to be

something wrong with this hair dryer.

Oh, what's wrong?

Digit!

Well,

just chew the documentary.

Undersea world of Jacques Roach.

We have been aboard our ship, the Boogaloo, for many months.

All is well, but I think the crow is feeling a little... Hey, Captain

When are we gonna surface?

Yeah, we've been down here for months.

Are you saying that your soul has not been stirred by the salient mystery of

dip? The dip?

What mystery of the death? It's just cream cheese and instant onion soup. And

has your heart not rejoiced and soared each and every night as we sing the

song of our sheep?

The sheep have a theme song? I didn't even know we were in this sketch.

Ah, Boogaloo, the places you've been to. That's it. We're out of here. We're

jumping ship.

Jump sheep?

You cannot jump sheep. I should say not.

It is the giant lobsters. All right. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come

on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Captain's law.

Today I have conquered the lobsters and gotten rid of my verminous crew.

I have found renewed peace alone once more with my sheep.

You lay one hand on me, buster.

Hmm. Another underwater sheep and cockroach show. I hope people aren't

tired of these underwater sheep and cockroach shows.

Hey, this floor is soaking wet.

I can't work like this.

How can we entertain people under these conditions?

Floor dancing.

Show's going well.

Oh, yes, it is, isn't it?

Clifford, are you ready with your piece?

Yeah, Curb. Say, Ted, you want to join me in this story?

What is it? Oh, it's a fish story about the ocean.

You play the lead.

Oh, yes, yes, that'd be a pleasure. Oh, terrific.

How long is this story?

Oh, it lasts about 400 million years.

Um, Kermit.

Maybe while I get ready, you should make a new plane reservation for me.

Ladies and gentlemen, a fish story.

About 400 million years ago, in the Devonian period of the Paleozoic era, or

thereabouts, everyone on Earth lived under the sea. It was a time of

contentment and harmony, except for one dissatisfied creature of indeterminate

origin. His name was Ken.

Oh, I'm tired of always being wet behind the ears.

So this malcontent swam upwards, upwards toward the light until he burst forth

into another world.

Up ahead, he saw some dry land rising from the water. He swam towards it and,

well, you know the story.

I made it.

Though I don't suppose everybody's going to believe it.

A few hundred million years passed.

By that time, Ted had adapted to his new environment and grown into a strapping

homo sapien.

Oh, well, yes, yes, this is very nice.

A little dry, but very nice.

By now, Ted had lungs, he had intelligence, he had mastered the

and everything... Excuse me.

Could you hold it down just a little bit?

Hold it down?

But I'm telling you a story, man.

My story?

Yeah. I'm the narrator, and you're the everyman character.

Oh.

Well, then, yes.

Go for it. Thank you.

And so Ted had learned to live on the land.

But he lived by the water, and he ate from the water, and he used the water

many of his needs.

But still, still, he was not completely content.

I wish I had the wheel and the telescope and dental floss.

Oh, yes.

This is going to change the world.

And so Ted went into a prolonged period of inventing and building, which proved

fruitful. But, of course, there were side effects.

And still, his thirst for innovation went on.

I just invented electricity, freeze -dried coffee, and penicillin.

I'm also doing some wonderful experiments with petroleum derivatives.

that for a long, long time.

And in truth, there were a lot of other tits, all doing the same thing. And

eventually, all life in the water died.

The seas stopped producing oxygen, the earth became uninhabitable, and that was

the end.

Hello, excuse me.

That was the end?

Yeah.

Well, what kind of an ending is that?

Well, I thought it was the one you wanted.

No. Don't be silly. I love the ocean. I came from the ocean. You should know

that better than anybody. I mean, that's kind of like my home.

What's this? Did I invent this?

It's for you.

Hello?

Hi, Ted. We thought you'd like a call from home.

Guys, it's the fish. Hey, guys, how are you?

Oh, we're terrible. Believe the narrator for...

Guys, come on, level with me. It's not as bad as he says, right?

Face it, Ted, it's worse.

We're dying down here.

I know, I know, I know. I mean, you read about it all the time. I mean, it's the

oil producers and the chemical companies, and the government won't do

about it. I mean, guys, I really feel helpless.

You? Helpless?

You're the one who's been dumping poison into the ocean.

Who told you that?

The narrator.

He was speaking metaphorically. I was not.

All right, all right.

Mistake. You're right. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have dumped the stuff in the ocean.

I'll stop.

Oh, what about the stuff that's already down here?

All right.

Geez. Well, then I'll try to clean it up, okay?

Promise?

Well, sure.

Of course.

I promise.

He promises.

Listen, thanks a lot. We all really appreciate this.

And the sea creatures swam away happy again.

Because Ted, their distant relation, had problems.

And under the sea, no one ever breaks a promise to a relative.

So maybe they all lived after all.

Maybe they even lived happily ever after.

It's all up to Ted.

Good night, everybody.

And now let me tell you about a place called Lighthouse Island.

Ladies, gentlemen, my name's Zeb Norman.

I just stopped by to ask for some directions.

A newcomer. What a treat.

Newcomers get their future read.

Here, take a card.

The fish?

Never mind.

This place really called the No Name Tavern?

Uh -uh. Not called anything.

Doesn't have a name.

The sign says it's called the No Name.

A name isn't no name.

If no name was a name, then there'd be a name. But there's no name.

Not even a no name.

Here.

Have a cider.

Is that Norman?

Thank you. I am thirsty. I just rode my bicycle all the way from Trollene.

Long way to ride on a warm day.

I'm looking for Clara Buford's shop.

Clara Buford?

No one goes there.

Clara is nothing but trouble. I used to live near her.

My ends would never lay.

I'm looking for a wedding present. I'm getting married.

It's a very important gift.

Wheelers.

You want wheelers for a wedding present?

Other side of the cove.

What about Clara Buford's? She's across from Wheeler's. But stay away.

I spoke mean to her once, and my back was out for half a year.

Yeah, well, thank you for the cider and the fish.

Both fish.

Clara Buford's is over there.

Pardon?

Care to have your name etched on a seashell?

For us all of it.

Who's the lucky girl?

How did you know?

Well, you're certainly not looking at silver nectarses for yourself.

I'm Clara Buford.

There's a better selection inside.

Come this way.

Now then, you still haven't told me who the lucky girl is?

Oh, well, you wouldn't know her, ma 'am.

She lives in Gandy.

We're to be married.

I used to live in Gandy. I know everyone there.

Really? Well, then maybe you can tell me something about her.

We've never met.

Never met your bride -to -be?

We write letters.

See, it's this kind of correspondence club we both join.

And I promise to write every few days, telling you about my life and my dreams.

And I promised to write back, telling tales of the sea.

I hope you love the wildness of the sea.

So it went on like that for about a year.

And then one day, I asked her to marry me.

She said yes.

Oh, isn't that just the sweetest story?

She arrives tomorrow on the weekly ferry.

I'm looking for a present.

Something in silver.

She loves silver.

She says it reminds her of the sea just before a storm. I've lots of pretty

silver.

A necklace would be nice.

Or a locket?

I don't know. It doesn't seem right. Just a locket.

Or a pin.

A pin?

It has to be really special.

Aren't you going to show me her picture?

How did you know I had a picture of her? A young man in love.

Rosalie. Yes, her name is Rosalie. Then you do know her.

Yes, I should say.

Well, I did say I knew folks in Gandy.

You must tell me about her.

Yes, well, she is a very special girl.

Jewelry? Oh, that is not all the right kind of present for a girl like Rosalie.

It isn't? Oh, no, no, no, no. A girl like that doesn't need any added

But if not jewelry, then what?

Shoes.

Shoes would be perfect.

Shoes?

Dancing slippers.

She'd put them on, you'd sweep her up and dance off into the moonlit night.

Oh, so romantic.

But I wouldn't even know what size.

These would do very nicely.

Or I do have some powder blue ones somewhere.

No. Here. These are the ones.

Silver slippers.

They're perfect.

Not those.

Silver is Rosalie's color.

They're too big.

They're the same size as those.

They're family heirlooms.

I'll pay double. No. Triple. No. I'll do anything to have these shoes.

Anything.

Anything.

Yeah,

anything.

Well, I do have a little task for which I require help.

What is it?

I have an errand on Hog Island.

But I can never figure out how to make the motors and the boats work.

You can take me there.

Is it far?

No, it's just out in the bay.

We could leave in an hour.

Yeah, I suppose I could take you there.

A handshake's a promise.

Remember, no more than half throttle. If you overheat, if they make it to Hog

Island, they'll be cold and belly up.

Can we go a little faster, please?

The man said no more than half throttle.

Whose errand is this? Yours or mine?

Is that Hog Island?

Yes. Strange looking place.

It's not the place I'm worried about.

What happened?

The motor's overheating.

Oh, terrific.

I thought you knew all about boats.

Sounded like it was coming from under the boat.

I hope so.

Stop the motor. Quick.

It still won't do it.

It's working.

Well, what's

that thing out there?

Well, I... I can't be sure, but I...

I think it was Fred.

A sea monster named Fred?

I'd better explain, because that's why we've come.

You see there?

There's this jewel.

A pearl that has the power of transformation.

If I had that pearl, I could close my eyes and push myself into anything that

walks or flies or swims and open my eyes to discover itself.

Transformation, are you sure?

I had that pearl once. I held it here in my hand.

But before I could use it, even once, it was stolen.

Gone from its hiding place.

And old Fred was gone, too.

So Fred turned himself into a sea monster and lives out in the bay. Right,

old fool.

Turns himself into lots of things. And he lives right here on Hog Island.

And that's why we've come.

To get the pearl back.

What?

At night, running around on a tree -covered island?

With a guy who could be a tiger or a snake or who knows?

Handshakes off, Clara. No deal.

Oh, I see.

There are some things you won't do to get the silver slippers for your bride.

Oh, well, we'll just melt them down in a fire. A fire? Yeah.

It's too bad, though. I so like the image.

You and Rosalie dancing off into the moonlight.

The silver slippers on her feet flashing like captive stars.

It's too bad.

Oh, well.

We'll just crush them.

To bits.

No, wait.

Don't harm the slippers.

I'll help.

There's a good lad.

So where do we find this pearl?

There's an old hermit hut ahead.

Fred might live there.

You mean you don't even know?

No one comes to Hog Island, not since Fred came.

Fred's a real joy.

Oh, I don't know what's come over him. He used to be a cranky sort, but nice

enough. But now, when he turns into a beast, he eats sheep.

When he goes swimming, he sinks boats. And when he flies, oh my, when he flies.

Lies when he's angry.

Yeah. So I've noticed.

Come on.

The heart's just dead.

Fred lives here, all right.

We must find the pearl. What the hell with the pearl? No, the pearl belongs to

whoever touches it last. Find the pearl and that... That thing out there will

van.

He never could keep anything tight.

Come on.

Is he still wearing this?

Socks and fishing tackle.

There.

I think he pulled a shoe or something.

It's revolting.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

This isn't yours. It's mine. You stole it from me. Dream another one, Clara.

Oh, jeez. My hand's broke.

Does this pearl really have the power of transformation?

You're asking him that?

Call him, matey. I did my sea monster. I did my flying beast. I did my tentacle.

How much do you need?

Now give it back. It's mine.

You stole it from my daddy's stuff after he died. You said I could have it.

Well, I didn't know then how you could turn into stuff with it, did I? Now that

pearl is mine. It's mine.

At the moment, it's mine.

The slippers are mine.

A handshake's a promise.

Yeah.

A handshake is a promise.

Now we have what we came for.

I don't.

Rosalie.

What are you going to do with that pearl, Clara?

You'll know soon enough, Fred.

Oh.

You need to look after that hand.

I suppose we should give you a ride.

I wouldn't ride with you to the back door of hell. You tell Carl Simms to

and get me.

Carl hates your guts.

Well, that's a damn lie.

Rosa Lee is here.

Goodbye, therapy friend.

coming along.

I wouldn't miss seeing the love of me.

There she is.

There's the bride.

Mr. Seb Norman.

How good to see you.

Well, there's your bride.

A very special girl, Mr. Norman.

Well, aren't you going to give her the present you worked so hard to get?

Then you got the slippers.

I did.

What?

How'd you know about the slippers?

I asked Seb to fetch them from your shop.

He thought it was an odd request for a mermaid.

You knew that?

Of course.

I remember when you lived in Gandy, Clara Buford.

The mermaids knew about your silver slippers.

These slippers are legendary.

Oh, they're family heirlooms. Why would a mermaid care about my slippers? Oh, I

don't. I only care about the power they may harbor.

Oh, slippers have power.

We hope so.

At least the legends think they do.

These slippers are the only chance that Deb and I have for happiness.

It's a more desperate chance than you realize.

To get them, I had to give her a pearl of transformation.

Yes.

I have the pearl.

It's useful for dealing with pranksters like you.

With this pearl, I can close my eyes and wish myself into the worst of your

nightmares.

Deb.

Wish us joy, Clara, as deep as the sea.

We've seen a lot of sea creatures tonight.

Here's one, a puppet of a whale, or a whale of a puppet, depending on how you

look at it.

That's all for now. We'll see you next week.