All language subtitles for one_on_one_s05e03_house_dad

Sarah, hurry up, it's almost here.

Who's almost here? The water guy. We
didn't pay our bill this month, and when

say this month, I mean all year.

But wait, we need bottled water.

I mean, we can't drink that brown stuff
that's coming out the tap.

Actually, it's a lot easier to swallow
if you chew it first.

Don't worry, we'll get our water. You've
only been here for three weeks. You

don't know how we operate yet.

Showtime, Sarah!

Wait a second.

You guys are using sex to get water? No,
we're using the idea of sex to get free

water.

Hey, I'm not leaving without my money.

Look, I don't like doing this. It's not
my fault I'm the hottest one in the

house.

Listen, I let you slide for five months
without paying, but this is it.

Hey, Sarah.

Nice skirt.

Could you get that for me?

Sure.

Okay, I can just put the bottles on the
porch.

See you next month?

It's so amazing what men will do for
what they will never get.

Please don't say that.

I can't believe you guys would stoop
that low. That's just bad.

Isn't it, Arnaz?

Here.

You dropped it.

working a double shift today. Two whole
hours.

I'm really gonna miss you.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you too, baby.

Look at my man bringing home the bacon.

I actually don't use real bacon.

It's faking.

Hey, guys, did you check out the Cirque
this morning? It was awesome.

Awesome? Sounds like somebody's been in
L .A. too long.

Yeah, you.

Daddy, what are you doing here? I
thought you were interviewing Kobe for

Oh, he had to reschedule. He had to go
ring shopping again.

Daddy, I know why you're here.

You're just going to have to get used to
the idea of me being on my own. Oh,

it's not that, baby.

I know how hard it is being in a new
place with new people, and it just helps

have a familiar face around.

Aw, sounds like somebody needs a hug and
a kiss.

Not who's been in L .A. too long.

So, baby, what are you going to do
today, huh? We can go down to the

and check out the guy who plays Ain't No
Holler Back with his armpits.

It's already been three weeks and I'm
behind in my schoolwork. What?

I mean, I'm doing extra credit
assignments already.

Oh, great. I'll help. What you got?

Daddy, I can do my own homework and I
can cook my own meals.

You and I agreed that me coming out here
to go to school was the best thing for

me. And I don't remember you hovering
over me as part of the plan.

Who's hovering?

Is that a pimple?

Oh, let me get it.

It's time I let you borrow my car. Look,
it's not my fault, all right? I thought

the headlights turned off automatically.

Oh, they do, yeah, when the battery
dies.

What up, D -Money and Mac?

Uh, it's D -Mac and Cash Daddy.

Cash Daddy?

It'd be a lot easier to get them
straight if their names were normal.

Yeah, we'll look into that, Flex.

Wait, I thought you guys were going to
the movies. We were, but my car

dead. Hey, hey, hey, I'll give you guys
a jump.

Oh, for real?

Thanks, man. Oh, cool. Of course, man. I
mean, what kind of father would I be if

I didn't look out for y 'all?

You'd be exactly like my father,
wherever he is.

On the real, though, thanks for rolling
with us to the movies, Flex. Ah, it's no

problem, D -Cash.

Brianna wanted me out of her hair
anyway.

You know, that Jessica Alba is quite the
actress. It takes a lot of talent to

switch races like that.

What's wrong, lady?

Lisa's sick, and I've done all the
nursing I can do.

You didn't put on a nurse's outfit.

Boom, boom.

Oh, where does it hurt?

It's my stomach.

That's the last time I eat a fish taco
out of some dude's cooler.

Oh, dang!

I didn't know you guys were going to
Larry's restaurant on ice.

Arnaz, you're not helping out. Please go
get some cold towels, and if you insist

on staying, don't.

Hey, Danny, what's going on here?

Lisa's sick, and your dad's sick?

That's right, I'm a father. I have
experience with sick children.

When? I was never sick.

Oh, yeah? And how do you explain your
interest in Arnaz?

I don't see any cold towels in here.

Hey, this table doesn't wobble anymore,
y 'all.

Well, I see you guys didn't have a
toolbox, so I bought one and fixed a few

things around here.

Oh, did you put up the smoke detectors,
too?

That was me.

So, these smoke detectors.

They just detect smoke from fires,
right?

Oh, this is great, Flex.

You really didn't have to cook for us.
No, he just thinks if he doesn't cook, I

don't eat.

Hey, let's just let Lisa be a lesson to
you all. Yeah, if you meet a guy in a

free clinic, don't date him.

Well, it's not just that. I'm just
saying it's nice to have a home -cooked

every now and then.

You know what, Flex?

You've been so great to her.

I think we should make you our house,
Dad.

For real? Yes.

I agree.

Here's to Flex, our house dad.

House dad.

I like that.

I know.

Yo,

what the hell, man?

Dad, what are you doing?

A lot less than some whack job would
have done if he'd have rolled up into

house. Why'd you door unlock? My only
child lives here.

It's easier.

Someone's always forgetting their keys
or losing them. You're not going to

scream again, are you?

Say, dog, you just can't be hopping out
of dark corners like that, man.

We got white people living here.

Thanks again, Carl.

Good news. We now have free cable.

Sad news. I now have to accompany Carl,
the cable guy, to the RV show.

Like I didn't have to take boudoir
pictures of the plumber's wife to get

toilet fixed.

Can we say wide -angle lens and night
terrors?

And I had to DJ the Weinstein Bat
Mitzvah just to get our teeth cleaned.

Have you ever tried teaching someone the
electric slide to have an aguila?

Oy vey.

Fine, we're even.

Still watching that little TV, huh?

Trying.

Yeah, my grades suffer, too, when I
watch a lot of TV.

Of course, it didn't matter with my
superior basketball skills.

So, do you, uh, fence or play ping
-pong?

Getting seeds is not going to get the
job done.

How do you know I'm getting seeds?

Oh, I saw your art history test when I
was throwing out the, uh, trash.

Ooh, your father wasn't too happy about
it.

You called my father?

No, he called and we got to talking.

You might want to give him a call. He
seemed pretty upset.

Not as upset as I am.

At least we're all on the same page.

So, uh, D -Mac, how's your studies
going?

That depends.

Have you gone through my trash?

No? Then your boy D -Mac right here, he
getting all A's.

Speaking of A's, I got homework.

Hey, I thought you were up for title for
something.

But I've got to help D -Cash. I think
he's lying about the A's.

Arnaz, I... Hey,

kids.

Kobe canceled again, which means I had
time to go pick up some earthquake kits

for you.

So I will put them under your beds,
assuming your beds are all made.

All right. It's been three days, and
he's driving me crazy.

He threw away all of our junk food. He
makes us floss.

He's got all of us on high -fiber diet.

You guys complaining about it. You're
the one who made him house dead.

That's because before he was cool. Now
he's shaft with a broom.

Know what?

I got some neighborhood boys who could
run him out of 10.

Oh, know a lot of tough people in
Malibu?

Don't sleep on Malibu, man. We could be
tough.

Especially doing Yom Kippur.

Brianna, we can't take it anymore.

Your dad's got to go.

We took a vote.

When did you take a vote?

Oh, right.

Sure we can. We've done it with all our
parents.

Yeah, we had to ban my mom after she
cleaned the house when we were home.

Which was fine, except she threw away
all my artwork.

Artwork? Don't you mean porn?

Porn to you, art to me.

Well, do you think it's appropriate to
have art laying around when you live in

house full of women?

If I lived in a house full of women who
walked around topless, I wouldn't need

it.

I'm sorry, Brianna, but you gotta tell
your dad to be out.

And Cash is right.

We need more topless women around here.

Then take off your shirt, biatch.

Come on. Do you know how annoying he is?

Look, you guys, I can't tell my dad he's
not welcome here. He's my dad.

Then I'll tell him.

Okay,

okay, fine.

If that's the way it's going to be, I'll
tell him.

All right, the earthquake kits are under
the bed safely.

Oh, and, uh... Tell Cash I found his art
collection.

Stay away from him. That boy is a freak.

Daddy, can we talk?

Yeah, you know, I just wanted to tell
you, I really like your roommates.

Yeah, about that. At first I was worried
about you living here, but after

hanging out with everybody, I realized I
got nothing to worry about.

So that means you won't have to come by
here anymore, huh? No, I won't have to.

But I want to.

I'm house dad.

Yeah, about that. You know, I feel like
I should thank everyone for making me

feel so at home. I'm going to go thank
everyone.

Speaking of home, you know, I've been
thinking maybe tomorrow, instead of you

coming over here, I can come by and
check out your hotel.

Why wait till tomorrow?

Why not bring everybody by tonight?

We can watch the sunset from the lanai.
We can have dinner at the restaurant.

Oh, Brianna, that's a good idea.

Wait, wait, but Daddy, I... I got it
under control. I will see you at 7.

Going to have dinner with my daughter
and her friends. Crump it out.

Crump it out.

How'd it go, Brianna?

Hope it wasn't too hard on you.

Oh, no, it wasn't as bad as I thought it
was going to be.

You didn't tell him, did you?

Of course I told him.

That we would all come to his hotel and
have dinner with him tonight. Was that

not the plan?

Wait, was that the plan?

Look, I'm sorry, you guys. I couldn't
tell him. He loves you and he thinks you

love him.

So please, just do this for me.

Hey,

look, if it means as much to Brianna, we
should do it for her.

If we're gonna make it as roommates, we
have to support each other.

Trust me, I know my dad.

All he has to do is laugh at his jokes a
little bit and massage his ego and...

your dad is.

Yeah, Baltimore couldn't hold this
cowboy. I was destined for the big time.

I bet you enjoyed lots of cool hotel
rooms when you were an NBA star.

Well, he wasn't that big a star. I mean,
he only played one game.

Leaving him time to become the
television superstar that he's been in

-Atlantic states.

Did you say mid -Atlantic states? As in
prime rib, which I hear is particularly

prime at this five -star hotel.

That's our DMACC, always hungry and
subtle.

So is everybody washed up and ready to
go?

Yes, House Dad.

Just so you know, I finally got my COVID
interview, so I head to San Diego,

which means you guys will be here
tomorrow on your own. So just hang out

enjoy yourselves.

Yes. And everything is on the House Dad.

Okay.

Let's go get some food that you kids
can't afford.

Go on.

So much better than going to school.

Unless I went to the University of...
Oh,

nice.

What is all this?

Arnaz, what are you doing?

What? This is L .A. Plenty of straight
guys get manicures.

We didn't say to enjoy ourselves.

And we are.

Almost as much as Ben is enjoying my
thighs.

Above the waist, happy hands.

He said enjoy yourselves, not bleed him
dry.

This bill is $1 ,200.

You know what? Everybody out.

Relax, Brianna.

You really should shiatsu.

Well, you know what?

That's exactly what you told us to do.

Yeah, what's the big deal, Brianna?

Ever since I've known you, this is how
your relationship has been with your

He's always spoiled you.

Well, it's not the same, Arnaz.

How's it different?

Well, because I'm... Well, he, um...
Well, y 'all ain't...

Oh, my God, I'm a spoiled brat.

And y 'all think I'm the dumb one.

Maybe it's time for me to stop being a
spoiled brat and grow up.

Good for you, Brianna. But can you grow
up tomorrow? Have a salt scrub in an

hour.

No. No more treatments. No more room
service.

Fine, then we'll pool our cash and pay
the bill ourselves.

Okay.

No, I was serious.

We have to figure out a way to take care
of this.

Oh, that's probably the manager. Come
on, hurry up, hurry

up. Sarah, showtime!

I just want to tell you how much I
really appreciate this.

Well, now you get to go to the RV show
with the cable guy.

Aw, deal.

Come in.

You have a problem with your bill?

Mayday, mayday. I got this.

About our bill.

Where did I put that?

I'm sorry I missed you, roommate,
sweetie. I wanted to apologize for being

pushy and controlling.

Where would you get that idea, daddy?

You house dad.

Come on, baby, your dad knows.

Look, I just want you to understand that
the reason why I've been hanging out

with you so much is that it's been
really hard letting you go.

Well, it's hard for me too, Daddy.

You're not a little girl anymore.

You're an adult now.

You've turned out better than I could
have ever, ever hoped.

If only I could have been Arnaz's dad.

One day you still might be, Mr.
Washington.

Well, I guess things could be worse.

And Arnaz, just so you know,
eavesdropping is very rude.

All right.

Bye, baby.

Bye, Daddy.

Huh? I'm dependent on you, boy.

Ah, Arnaz.

Don't worry.

I'll take care of it.

I call you every day. Oh, let's make it
every other day.

I'm still paying for your phone bill.
Remember that.

You got to move that.

One, one, one.

Love you, Daddy. Love you too, Netta.