Original subtitles

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

The weathermen say it's going to be bright and sunny.

So put your head and coat on and take your umbrella.

Time for mid -morning medley.

It's so funny how Cocoa Pops always turn the milk brown, ma 'am.

Nice, political mysteries like that, Malcolm.

Best not to question them. Just get them in your garb. That's my philosophy.

Oh?

Oh, that was Jenny from the big house on the corner.

She's having to mind little Justin for the day.

She's off to antenatal.

None of your face, Malcolm Merton.

He's a lovely boy, Justin.

Very well -mannered and well -brought up.

So, turn that frown upside down.

I'll do chicken nuggets for lunch.

And oven chips.

Yes. And if you're good, we'll have Neapolitan ice cream for after.

I don't like that just in me, Mum.

I think she's brilliant.

Well, he's a very bright boy.

His mum reckons he'll be off to university.

Should I go to university, Mum? No.

Now, take this cup of tea up to your dad for me.

Oh, take his feet out of the bowl for him.

Stop, hold on, wait a minute, Mr. Postman.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr.

Postman. Mr.

Postman, look and see.

If there's a letter in the bag for me.

I've been waiting such a long time.

For this letter, this letter of mine. Mr.

Postman.

Oh,

very generous, Parker.

Now let's see what we've got.

Oh, I wish your father had stopped sending off with those standards there,

brochures.

Pop that in the bin for him, son.

Oh, air nails from France.

Tremendous. That'll be off my pen, pal. Pierre Salmon. Oh, how lovely.

Oh, you've been writing to him since you were 11.

Every month without fail.

And he's finally replied.

Well, open it.

I'm too excited, ma 'am. You open it for me.

What's it say?

Oh, the Bernica fever.

Hello, Malcolm.

Oh, I think this is good.

I've just received your latest letter, number 312.

Life in Heaton Norris sounds fascinating, and as you point out

far nicer than London.

I love the sound of your fabulous new sports car.

And pent -out apartments.

I might have made that bit up, Mum.

However... I beg you, please, please, please, please, stop writing to me.

sincerely Pierre Salmon.

Yes, please.

Hello, Malcolm.

I've just received your latest lesson number 312.

Life in Eaton, Norwich sounds fascinating.

And as you point out several times, far nicer than London.

I love the sound of your fabulous new sports car and penthouse apartment.

However, I beg you, please, please, please, please, stop writing to me.

sincerely Pierre Salmon.

What do you think he means?

Well, reading between the lines, I think he doesn't want you to write to him

anymore.

Well, I think I was wrong.

Oh, it's nothing but the French in between, Markham. I think the garlic.

Yes,

it does, and onions, and red wine, and French bread. And dog stewing. No,

going too far.

That's what pays your exchange visits.

May as well unpack your bag.

You're not upset, are you?

No way. I'm going to write straight back to him and tell him I'm not one bit

bothered. Well, I thought you were the pen pal.

The times in Holland, Fritz and Germany and just up in Italy.

I think they'll ever reply to me, Mum. Oh, yes.

That Pierre, he was just envious of your sports car and your penthouse flat,

what you made up.

He was jealous of my jet -set lifestyle.

Yes.

Shall I pop it in the bin for you?

Yeah, but saving that stamp from the collection.

Oh, yes, you've not got a French one, have you?

Not got any yet, ma 'am.

That's nearly it, isn't it, ma 'am?

No.

Your face has got to be more sulky.

Oh, it's no wonder they didn't audition you.

Let me show you.

Fabulous, Michael, isn't it?

It's my hero, ma 'am. I wish I could dance like him. Look at all them girls

got.

You've got to let your feet feel the music like this.

No, Malcolm.

No, Mr. Capstick.

Would you like a cup of tea, Arthur?

Oh, yes, please.

What's Malcolm doing?

He's river dancing, Arthur.

River dancing?

I don't know.

Arthur's dodgy ticker. We don't want him dropping down dead before he's had his

tea.

Come on, Arthur.

Arthur. Arthur.

Oh, well, that's enough of that rubbish.

Here's your tea, Freddy Fandango.

Tea for three.

And three for tea.

Very good, Arthur.

Would you like some more, little Arthur?

Oh, poor loaf.

I don't know, eh?

They're all the same, Arthur.

Yes, you're spot on there.

I was round at Peggy Gosworth's last night.

Her Gordon's picked one of them security lights in her back garden.

Security light?

Oh, what's she got one of them for?

She's only got that so people think she's got something worth stealing.

What's a security light, Mr Capstick?

It's for when a burglar comes into your back garden, they go on.

Doesn't work properly, though. I went outside to have a look at it and it came

on. I've never stolen anything in my life.

Oh, dear.

We've got Jenny's conjuncting coming round in a bit, Arthur.

That'd be nice for Malcolm.

Oh, no, Malcolm doesn't like him.

Why doesn't Malcolm like him?

I don't know.

Why don't you like him, Malcolm?

I don't know.

He doesn't know, Arthur.

Oh.

Well, I'll pop up to see Mr Merton.

I brought him a quarter of Victory Vs. I'm hoping to have one myself.

Yeah, good, Arthur.

My Malcolm got a letter from France this morning, Arthur.

Did you, Malcolm?

Yeah. That's nice.

It's from his pen pal dumping him.

Did you, Malcolm?

Yeah.

That's nice.

Ma 'am, can we play that game where I go out and come back in and do an

impression and you've got to guess who I'm doing?

The impression game?

Yeah. Yeah.

Brilliant. Stay there.

I've got a date. What?

Come in.

Oh.

Oh.

I don't know. Hey.

Where's my cat?

It's on me head.

Should have popped up and seen Mr Merton and bought him a quarter of a victory

of ease.

Where have I put him? I don't know, eh?

Is it Arthur?

You're spot on, Dorothy.

I've got another one. Hold on.

Stop it, Malcolm.

Stop it, Malcolm.

I've got another.

Let's look at the clues.

A bread bin.

An ironing board.

A kitchen roll well.

Who lives in a house like this?

I don't know.

Do get the program, you then.

More well slope.

Stupendous. Let's cogitate, ruminate, and digest for a moment.

Is it like Grossman?

I'm great at this game, aren't you, Mum? Yes.

Brilliant. Yeah.

I'm just going to the toilet.

Oh, George Michael?

No, I am going to the toilet.

Oh.

Oh, no, don't worry, Jenny. You'll be fine here with me and Malcolm.

How are you, Mrs Merton? Are you keeping well?

Yes, thank you, Justin.

Do you want to come through? Malcolm's through here.

Oh, I take out.

Thank you, Mrs Merton.

Hello, Malcolm.

Hello, Justin.

Don't sit down, Justin.

So, you're right, Justin.

You're going to have a new baby brother or baby sister soon, aren't you? Which

would you prefer?

Well, I don't mind, so long as it's healthy.

Yes, quite right.

It's quite fortunate, really, because Mummy says an only child tends to grow

socially inept.

No, no, you're wrong there.

My Malcolm's an only child.

Aren't you, Malcolm?

Yes, Mum.

Do you know what we're having for lunch, Justin?

Chicken nuggets. And chips.

I'm sorry, I don't eat chicken.

I'm a vegetarian now.

Oh.

Well, we'll just chips be all right.

It's Neapolitan ice cream for afters. That's fine, thanks.

Now, who'd like a glass of pop?

Me, me, me!

Have you got orange juice?

Yeah. Is it fresh?

Well, freshly diluted.

I'm fine, thanks.

Right.

Now... What shall we play?

Have you got Trivial Pursuit?

No, we've got Snakes and Ladders.

Yes! No, we've grown out of that.

It's all right, ma 'am.

Have you got Cluedo?

No. It's Malcolm Bad Nightmares.

I quite like Monopoly.

Yes, and Malcolm's very good at that.

Nip upstairs and get it, Malcolm.

It's in your box room on top of the wardrobe, underneath your kerplunk.

So? Not long now before that dog brings a happy little bundle to Justin.

Mummy has decided to have a water birth.

Oh, I see.

Did you have an epidural with Malcolm?

Oh, where's my Malcolm without Monopoly?

I'll be the top hat if I may. No, I'm more the top hat, aren't I, Mum?

Malcolm, Justin's the guest.

If he wants to be the top hat, then he can be.

No, no, I'm just as happy being the racing car.

I'll be the iron as usual.

And I'm the oldest, so I'll be the banker.

What's the money again?

Two five hundreds, four one hundreds, one fifty, one twenty, two tens, one

five... And five ones.

Well, that's me out.

You're quite good at this game, Justin.

Thank you, Mrs Merton.

Just you two left now.

Oh, it's getting very exciting and tense.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Yes, pay rent.

Oh, that was a wise investment, Malcolm.

£25 change, please.

Malcolm, what are you doing with the station?

Train spotting? Yes, Malcolm loves train spotting.

Oh, you must come with us one time just in, down to Stockport Station.

No, thank you.

Oh, hold the game whilst I answer the phone.

You do realise you've absolutely no chance of beating me, Malcolm.

I'm not bothered anyway.

That's just as well.

Have you got a girlfriend yet?

I might have.

I don't think you have.

Have you?

Well, there's several girls interested in me, but I prefer to concentrate on my

education for the moment.

That's what I'm doing then.

Of course, games like this are completely outmoded nowadays.

Everyone's into computer games.

Have you got Tomb Raider 2?

No. Have you got Tomb Raider 1?

No. Have you got any computer games?

No. Have you got a computer?

No.

Got Buckaroo.

1 ,000, 2 ,000, 3 ,000, 4 ,000. That was your mum, Justin.

She was ringing to see how you were.

I said, you two are getting on like a house on fire.

Right, who'd go with this?

Me.

and with a hotel.

That's a dear do.

£2 ,000, please, Malcolm.

They owe it you.

Then I played King Herod in the school nativity and the headteacher said it was

the most magnificent portrayal she'd ever seen in all her years of teaching.

Oh.

My Malcolm was in the school nativity. He played one of the kings.

Which king was it?

Well, you know, the one that's a little bit bedazzled by the whole affair and

doesn't really seem to know what's going on. Him.

That one.

Oh, it was wonderful.

I remember his teacher, Mr Harry, as he stood at the side of the stage in tears.

What was the year after that, ma 'am?

Oh, you were the understudy for one of the boys in the back of the crowd scene.

Oh, yeah.

So, what's he going to be when he gets older, Justin?

A fireman or a train driver.

I don't think I'm quite picked out for manual work.

I was thinking of dabbling in stocks and shares like my daddy.

Oh.

My Malcolm works in a pet shop.

Don't you, Malcolm?

Yes, ma 'am.

He's completely in charge of all the food and rubber toys.

And in a couple of months he's going to be allowed to handle the animals.

I love chips, ma 'am.

I don't usually have chips.

Mummy says chips for people with no culinary imagination.

What sort of food does Mummy make?

Couscous, hummus, courgettes, three parcels made with filo pastry.

That's my favourite.

Do we have that, Mum?

Yes, but not tonight, Malcolm. It's called beef.

Tremendo!

Right, who'd like a wafer with a Neapolitan?

Oh, there's nothing nancy about cooking.

Some of the best chefs in the world are men.

Luca Tansley -Harriot.

Who's your favourite cook, Justin?

Probably Marco Pierre White.

But on a more pedestrian level, I'm quite partial to Robert Carrier.

Malcolm likes that Fern Britton from Ready Steady Cook.

And Delia, ma 'am. Oh, yes, and Delia.

Everyone likes Delia.

Mind you, I was reading an article, and it said when she gets home of an

evening, she can't be bothered to cook.

She just takes her tights off and lives off takeaways.

Next year I'm hoping to enter the BBC Junior MasterChef competition.

Oh, I know you.

My, Malcolm tried to enter that.

Didn't you, Malcolm?

Yeah. What are you hoping to make, Justin?

Salmon sauvage on a bed of warm salt to start with.

Lamb noisettes glazed with red currant sauce.

And creme brulee with chilled wild blackberry coulis for dessert.

Oh, sounds lovely.

What was your recipe, Malcolm?

Egg chopped up in a cup and a lamb's head.

And he never bothered replying, Lloyd Grossman, did he? Too busy nosing round

other people's houses.

Do you like that through the keyhole, Justin? I don't think I've ever seen it.

Oh, have you not?

Oh, Malcolm, do you remember when he went to Carla Lane's home?

Oh, all the dog hairs.

When Lloyd got off that pussy, the back of his flax were covered in them.

Malcolm, don't be so bad on it. It's only pastry.

Not Susan Brooke.

Oh, I might be a bit late in saying this, but did you wash your hands after

went to the toilet?

Oh, they're absolutely lovely, Justin.

You can take those home for Mummy and Daddy, Justin.

I will. That's very kind of you, Mrs Merton.

You can take some of mine as well.

No, I really couldn't.

Right, I'm going to nip up and see you, Dad, and change his dressing.

How one star can make so much puss, I'll never know.

Oh, there's an egg clipper in the fridge for both of you.

Malcolm, your tart looked barely edible.

Well, cooking's not my strong point, really.

Monopoly's not that for sure.

What is one wonders?

Right.

Eleven.

Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

Two.

Double wrong.

One, two, blabber.

Extra turn. Why?

I threw a double.

Four, two, three, home.

Seventy -six trombones led the big parade.

With a hundred and ten cornets close at hand.

They were followed by rows and rows.

Yes! What a lovely way to finish off, Gwen.

Surely we need a tiebreaker.

There must be a winner.

Come on, Malcolm. Just this one to win.

My turn, I think.

I won, didn't I, ma 'am? Yeah.

Oh, I was so proud of you, son.

He wouldn't have his photo taken with me at the end, would he, ma 'am?

No, he was a sore loser, Justin.

He was a big head, wasn't he, ma 'am?

Yes, till he met his match with you.

Oh, freshly squeezed orange juice of a weekday.

Sometimes I realise how lucky I am to have you as my son, Mark Merton.

Night, night. Sleep tight.

Don't let the bad bugs bite.

I'll leave the landing light on for you, champion.

Oh, I wish he could have seen his little face when he won.

Oh, it's moments like that that make life worthwhile.

He's not let it go to his head, though.

If these two have taken it all, then it's tried.