All language subtitles for The Parkers s01e02 Scammed Straight

Hey, Woody.

Hey, how y 'all doing?

All right.

Okay, Kim, your book's coming to $519
.50.

How'd you like to pay for it?

Visa? MasterCard? No, Mama.

Out of my way, baby. At these prices,
you'd think Oprah would come by and read

them to us.

Well, with this card, Stedman wouldn't
even read them to you.

Here, try this.

Now the machine's getting angry.

Look, why don't you just try using your
library card?

They take that here?

I cannot believe we are sorority
sisters.

Well, believe it, Hank.

Never mind, baby. I guess I didn't get
my payment.

Well, you need to mail them first.

And you need to stay out of my business,
because you don't know nothing about

me.

Okay, Woody.

I'll just write a check. That'll be
fine.

Quick, baby, mail this.

a job.

A job? Uh -uh.

Mothers take care of daughters. You had
me. I didn't have you.

And I can un -have you.

Get over to that job, boy.

You take one side. I'll take the other.

Oh, listen.

Make good money right in the comfort of
your own home.

Oh, all you need is a pleasant voice in
your own...

who wants me to do freaky things with my
toes.

Unless, of course, it's Wesley Denzella.

Ooh, Professor Ogilvie.

Hey, Professor Ogilvie.

Ladies. And what might you be looking
for besides me?

Oh, that's my cue. I'll be back.

Well, I'm leaving tomorrow to be guest
professor at San Diego State for two

weeks, and my dog sitter fell through,
so I was looking for somebody to watch

Bruno while I was gone.

Well, wow, wow, wow. I know all about
dogs.

I used to be married to one.

Oh, good.

So then I guess you wouldn't be
interested.

No, I'm very interested.

Really?

Well, I'm only paying $10 a day.

Nonsense. I couldn't take your money.
Just take me out for a nice romantic

dinner when you get back.

Okay, $15.

You're so crazy.

Just drop them off at my house tomorrow,
and we'll take it from there. I don't

know. Bruno's very important to me.
Trust me. He'll be in good hands.

And if you play your cards right, so
will you.

I'll see you tomorrow, Miss Parker.

Face it, Mama, that man doesn't want you
like my man wants you. It's me.

Hey, T!

What's up, Kim?

Take note, Mama. This is the line you
use to get your man.

Hey, T!

Would you like to take me to the movies
tonight?

Hell yeah!

because I'm taking it back for a full
refund.

Bonjour, little kid.

Hey, Desiree.

Hey, you're looking foxy, Miss Foo Boo
Boo.

Foxy? Mama, hip lesson for today.

We say...

I'll bite your little furry butt back.

It's a note.

Dear Miss Parker.

He called me dear.

My baby loves me.

There are some things you need to know.
It's very important that you... What?

Stop jocking me? Get off my tip? Leave
me the hell alone?

Where's who's got jokes when you're
sleeping next to Bruno?

is missing.

Oh, well, if it was that important, he
would have told me. Come on, Kim. Let's

go make some bites.

Stu Pappas. How can I help you? Hi, I'm
Kim Parker.

And this is my mother, Mama.

Kim?

Nice to meet you.

Mama?

Uh -uh. I ain't your mama. The name's
Nikki.

I'm gonna get straight to it, Stu.

Does this job include talking dirty?

No, no. That's two doors down.

This is the karmic connection.

You mean this is the psychic hotline?

How'd you know that? You got a natural
-born talent, young lady.

Well, I always felt like I had psychic
abilities.

I mean, I knew the Wild Wild West would
be a Wild Wild mess.

The force is very strong with this one.

What about you, Nikki? You ever feel you
have any special abilities?

Yes.

I'm blessed with the ability to detect
bull crap.

Okay. Okay, I hear you.

Let's just take this simple test and see
where you're at psychically.

Now, I want you to concentrate.

Can you tell me what word is written on
the other side of this card?

No.

Amazing.

You would be surprised how many people
get that wrong.

So do we have the job?

Oh, you have your own phone?

Uh -huh. Well, you both do have loud,
clear voices.

Sure do.

Congratulations. You just passed our
rigorous eligibility test.

Oh, how much money can we make?

Well, let's just say it's all about
Benjamin.

You make 25 % on every call you take,
and before you know it, you'll be living

on Easy Street.

Ooh, that's always been my favorite
address.

Isn't that somewhere near Dumbass
Boulevard?

Jill, Mama, I thought you said we needed
a job. We don't need just any job. Yes,

we do. Right now, we're living la vida
broca.

I'll tell you what, Nicky, maybe this
might help ease your mind. I don't

do this, but I'm sensing big dollars for
the both of you. Ooh, you got good

sense. So I'm going to post -date this
check, and in one week, if I'm wrong,

feel free to cash it. You're going to
have to write me a check for a whole lot

more than $2 ,500.

Madam Nubian, no, I don't know if Don
King is going to give Mike Tyson his

back. Oh, you did.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mike.

Princess Destiny, you got the dime, I
got the time.

When will you die?

Well, how old are you?

Ninety -seven soon.

73rd call today.

I'm starting to believe myself.

If we keep getting calls like this, we
won't even need college.

Uh -uh. Speak for yourself.

I'm getting my education, and I'm going
to move on up to my deluxe apartment in

the sky.

I got it, Weezy.

Princess Destiny, your future is my
commission.

Yeah, hi.

I've never done this before. My name
is... T?

Dang, you good.

How may Prince of Destiny help you?

Well, uh, somebody taped your car to a
rock and threw it through my window last

night. So, uh, I took it as a silence. I
need to call you.

Wise decision.

Speak to me. Well, I met this really fly
girl, and I was wondering if you could,

uh, see a future for us.

Let's see. If her name's Chandra.

Right. She ain't no good.

Really? Really. I see you with a lovely
creature whose name begins with a K.

and ends with an M.

Begins with a K and ends with an M?

Nope, I don't see it.

And I'm also seeing one eye.

Sony has one eye.

Forget it, I just look for Miss K .I .M.
in a baby blue top and some black capri

pants. Miss K .I .M. in a baby blue top
and black capri pants?

Okay, peace.

Ooh, he's a full package. Tall, dark,
and stupid.

Oh,

hi, Miss Agnes.

Yes, I said that your husband Fred will
contact you today.

He didn't?

You went out to get your mail, didn't
you?

Darn, that's when he tried.

Oh, hey, Stu.

Hey, Stu, what brings you by?

Hello, ladies.

You didn't happen to cash that check I
gave you, did you?

Kim, go get Mama's belt.

No, wait, you don't understand.

I want to take back that check and...

I'll give you this one.

Grab your jacket, baby. The BMW
dealership closes in 15 minutes.

That's $314.

So what's it going to be this time,
ladies?

MasterCard? Visa?

Blockbuster?

Ha, ha. We come bearing cash.

Bam! That's $100.

That's 200.

Stand back. Mama's got bank.

That's 300.

And a baby.

10, 11, 12, 13, 14.

I think that about covers everything
here.

Damn, what'd y 'all do? Rob a bank?

What's up, Kim?

Oh, my bad. You look good, too.

Oh, these old black refants and baby
blue blouse.

You know, a psychic told me I was going
to meet a girl wearing your exact same

outfit. And?

That's freaky, huh?

I'll see you later.

Come on, sweetheart. Forget that boy.
Trust Mama. Your babies would be crazy.

Agnes Douglas is just one of the new
poor living on the streets of L .A. Miss

Douglas, how did you come to find
yourself in this situation?

Well, after my husband Fred left me, I
spent my life savings calling up one of

those psychic hotlines, wondering if I'd
ever see him again.

Your whole life savings? Yes. I'm so
sorry.

Oh, my God, that's Miss Agnes. Oh, don't
be.

Madam Nubian says he's coming back.

Thank you.

Well, there you have it, folks. Another
example of the exploitation of the weak

and the elderly.

Shame on you wherever you are, Madam
Nubian.

This is Lisa Wong reporting.

Oh, Mama, thank God they don't know
you're Madam Nubian. I mean, Madam Mama.

I can't believe my sweet Miss Agnes is
broke and homeless because of us.

Us? I never spoke to Miss Agnes. Well,
you're about to get your chance. Come

Come in, Miss Adams.

Oh, thank you for letting me stay. And
as soon as Fred comes, I'll be on my

Now, now, don't you worry. You don't
care a top about that.

Let's get you situated.

You weren't planning on putting her in
my room, were you?

Oh, you really are psychic.

Now get that dog off your new bed.

Mama, what does a dog look like when
it's dead?

Pretty much like that, except it
wouldn't be breathing.

No, you mean exactly like that.

Girl, what are you talking about?

Yep, he's definitely dead.

I've been there.

Right now, he's floating towards that
white light.

Oh, and I guess I better go get a hefty
bag.

No!

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'm
over her.

She uses up all the hot water. She never
gives me my phone message.

And she's starting to dip in my closet.

That's not the half of our problems.

According to my checkbook, baby, we're
not going to be here much longer.

Between feeding Miss Agnes and you, I'm
almost tapped out.

Oh, like you don't eat.

you can tell me how you plan to pay a
$700 phone bill. What you talking about,

Mama?

Don't play me. That was the phone
company.

They said over 4976 calls were made from
here this past week.

Hold it right there, Auntie.

Well, since I found out that you two are
frauds, I had to seek direction from

some...

Lassie, go home.

Be nice.

When I murder the professor, Lassie will
be your brother.

Where's Bruno?

I don't know. He was here a minute ago.

Who left the kitchen door open?

Hold it, golden girl.

I was just letting in some fresh air.

It's getting a little close.

I told you I was coming by to pick up
Bruno.

Bruno? And I know him from... Two weeks
ago when I dropped him off.

Oh, that Bruno.

Come in, Professor.

Well, thank you for taking care of
Bruno.

I hope his narcolepsy didn't flare up.

His narco -who?

Narcolepsy. He has a tendency to pass
out at the drop of a hat.

It's like he's dead.

It was all in the note. You read it,
didn't you?

Yeah, so where is he? Bruno, come here,
boy.

He's running around here somewhere.

He's just like you. I can't keep up with
him.

out of here. You mean you're really
going to put her out on the streets?

Even better.

This is Nana Nubian.

Age is wisdom.

What am I wearing?

Oh, no, no. This is a psychic hotline,
not a sex line.

Uh -huh.

No, I don't know when you'll have sex.

It's time for me to do my share.

Oh, baby, I'm so proud of you.

Give me some love.

Now ring Mama up.

That'll be $15 .29.

Is it all right if I write a check?

Sure, Mama.

ID, please.

I'm your mama.

I still need to see something.

How about I show you the stretch marks
from when I carried you for 19 months?

You got the dime, I got the dime.

How old are you?

No. How old are you? I don't know.

Madam Nubian, what does your future
hold?