Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson. Let me tell you a little bit about how we train to perform

the Muppets.

It's kind of an interesting process because what we do is we watch a monitor

that shows us what the camera's seeing, and we reach up and we work the puppet

with our other hand.

And it's a complicated process. The idea is that you're meant

to look into the monitor and bring to life that character and be the audience

and the audience's point of view.

We are trying to put on a classy show here.

You can't treat me like that. I'll stick my pet barracuda on you. Get her,

Kevin.

Of course, it's real difficult because when the character turns to the right,

the camera sees it turning to the left, which means you always have to think

backwards. Of course, it's the Muppets, so thinking backwards comes naturally.

Here's the Muppet show.

Somebody there?

Say, who are you?

I'm a messenger, I am.

Tony Randall sent me to say he can't be your guest star. He's come down with a

rare disease.

Well, stop that. I recognize you. You're Tony Randall.

medicine like a man.

You're right.

I can take it.

I'm going to go up those stairs and do this crummy show.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Tony Ray.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know.

It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, motivational.

This is what we call.

And it's going to be a great show tonight because our guest star is the

and debonair Mr. Tony Randall.

Yes. But first, come with us back to the days of the caveman where every woman

wore furs, every man had a private club, and backyard barbecues were truly

mama's.

Take out the pavers and the rack.

Boy, you don't get no spending cash.

If you don't scrub that kitchen floor, you ain't gonna rock and roll no more.

Don't talk back. And it's cleaning up your room.

Let's see that dust fly with that broom.

Get all that garbage out of sight.

Boy, you don't go out Friday night.

Don't talk back. You just put on.

Don't talk bad.

I didn't know they had rock music in those days.

Sure, why do you think they call it the Stone Age?

Come in.

Excuse me, Anthony.

I'm too busy.

Oh, never too busy for the lovely Miss Piggy.

I was just reading this fascinating old book of magic spells. They've got some

marvelous things in here.

Here's one on how to make it rain.

One on how to make dogs stop barking.

Listen to this one.

Zark, zark, jumbo.

Clong, clong, jumbo.

You know what that's supposed to do? Turn people into stone.

It doesn't do it to you, huh? Turning people into stone.

Here's one that turns people into frogs. What would you think of that? A world

full of Kermits.

Move out of your mind.

I get it.

Turned to stone, huh?

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Can I come in?

Just a minute, Kermit.

Just a second.

Just let me...

Be right with you.

Come in.

Miss Piggy's on next. She's not in here, is she?

I don't see her.

Why don't you put somebody else on next?

Put somebody else on? Yeah. I don't think Miss Piggy would stand still for

Oh, I think she might.

Okay, I'll just postpone Pigs in Space until later on.

Just wait. Just wait. We'll find something.

Just a minute.

Kermit, I couldn't find Piggy. I looked everywhere.

That's funny. I was sure she'd be in her dressing room.

Except her dressing room.

Hey, Kermit, what do you want me to do with these guys?

Take them outside.

Then what?

Lock the door.

Come on.

Shh, shh, shh.

You're going to be all right.

I'm going to sneak you out of the theater and put you in the trunk of my

It's got to be the trunk.

If I put you in the front, you'll scratch the upholstery.

Now, we're going to take you to a doctor.

Or maybe a stonemason.

We don't want Kermit to know.

Know what?

Hi,

Kermit. Hi.

Kermit, something terrible has happened.

Do you know what this is?

A statue of Picky?

Yes.

It's a statue of Piggy.

Oh, what's terrible about that? It's very lifelike. I can just feel those

jowls.

Kermit. Hmm?

It's not a statue.

This is Miss Piggy.

What?

Piggy, is that you?

She was turned to stone by a magic spell.

But she's a star. She's a friend. This is terrible.

I feel...

awful. I know how important Miss Piggy is to you and the show. I'd do anything

to help. Anything.

Oh, well, just go get ready for your number.

Oh, thank you, Kermit. Did she break anything?

Yeah, a couple of floorboards.

Here's a Muppet newsflash.

Orchestra leader Zubin Beckmesser was nearly electrocuted at the Metropolitan

Opera today when he absentmindedly inserted his baton into an electrical

Mr. Beckmesser, I understand, according to doctors, you would have died

instantly had you not been such a poor conductor.

Nothing is broken.

Boy,

you sure are heavy. You must weigh at least a ton.

Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight.

Boy, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.

Terrified? She's petrified.

Hey, great news, Miss Piggy. You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got

this new book called Sandblasting Without Pain.

Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit? Worried about

Why? Well, she's afraid he'll take her for granted.

Oh,

okay, guys, enough with these cheap shots.

Oh, come on, I got another page to go yet.

Boy, how can you be so cruel to a fellow performer?

Someone you've known and worked with for years. Now just take a look at her.

She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.

Oh, you're right.

But what do I do with these jokes?

Burn them.

You heard what the frog said.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, our guest star, Mr. Tony Randall, will now take us

back to the days of the old -time dance band and their raccoon coats.

Yeah, well, when he's through, he better give the coat back to us raccoons.

Okay, okay, get off the stage, off the stage.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Randall.

One night when the moon was so mellow, Rosita met young

Manuelo. He held her like this, this lovely mint, then stole

a kiss, this fellow.

He said he was glad he'd met her, and soon he...

But she said, no, no, I can't go until I know you better.

Tippy, tippy, tin, tippy, tin, tippy, tippy, ton, tippy, ton. He kept on a

stealing and he had a feeling she was satisfied.

Tippy, tippy, tin, tippy, tin, tippy, tippy, ton, tippy, ton. She was saying

sir, but he held her closer. That's how we comply.

Tippy, tippy, tin, tippy, tin, tippy, tippy, ton, tippy, ton. He kept on us

stealing and he had a feeling she was satisfied.

Tippy, tippy, tin, tippy, tin, tippy, tippy, ton, tippy, ton. She was staying

closer, so he held her closer, that's how he complied.

Tippy, tippy, tin, tippy, tin, tippy, tippy, ton, tippy, ton.

He kept on us stealing and he had a feeling she was satisfied.

Tippy, tippy, tin, tippy, tin, tippy, tippy, ton, tippy, ton. She was staying

closer, so he held her closer, that's how he complied.

I'll reply.

Down at Barney's Fair, one evening I was there.

Oh, and I heard a showman shouting underneath the flare.

Oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

There they are all standing in a row.

Three, four.

Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head.

Give them a twist, a flick of the wrist. That's what the showman said.

Oi, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Every ball you throw will make me rich. Me too, love.

And there stands me wife, the idol of me life, singing. Roll a bowl, a bowl, a

penny, a pig.

Singing. Roll a bowl, a bowl, a penny, a pig.

Singing. Roll a bowl.

We are a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Here we are standing in a row.

Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head.

Give much with obligatory risk.

Oh,

we are a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Every ball you throw will make us rich.

And there stands me wife. She's the oil to love me like singing.

a penny of tea.

Roll a bowl, a bowl, a penny of peach.

Roll a bowl.

Arbaltof.

Fazgoth.

Well.

Rel. Gog.

Ramwraith. La.

Still nothing, Tony.

I've read practically everything in the book. Something's got to turn her back.

Keep reading.

Ynit.

Ladnar.

Roslendire.

Rizal. Ivad. Gib.

New dressier Slea odd divot as none

So

far nothing's happened

Something I say

She comes on like a rose.

But everybody knows.

She gets it in Dutch.

You can look, but you better not touch.

Poison Ivy.

Poison Ivy.

Poison Ivy.

rash song.

Well, what do you expect? He started from scratch.

And now, Pigs in Space!

As we join our heroes, it's been a quiet day aboard the Swine Trek.

Well, it's been a quiet day aboard the Swine Trek.

I can't remember a more relaxed peaceful time.

Oh.

It's the kind of day that just makes you feel good to be a pig.

I suppose it's because first my piggies turned to stone.

They couldn't hide.

I wonder how it happened.

Well, in olden times, they had magic spells for that kind of stuff.

But nowadays, well, she was probably playing with the petrified Catratron.

The who?

Well, it's one of the Swine Trek's defense systems.

It can turn people into stone and then turn them back again.

Oh, I had forgotten.

Look here. You set the little tile here and then you throw this lever.

This lever here? Yeah.

I'm responsible for this!

Him and the frog!

for what this fine track.

It's the kind of day that just makes you feel good to be a pig.

Tune in next time when we ask the question, why did you tune in this time

Pigs in Space?

Oh, without Miss Piggy, we had to carry that whole sketch ourselves.

I'd be grateful if we didn't have to carry Miss Piggy.

during the stage.

I'm going to put this in the prop closet.

That's Miss Piggy. Now treat her well.

She's a star and a lady. And a rock.

It doesn't matter. Just put her down right there.

Do we have any statues?

That's a funny thing to ask tonight.

You see, Tony Randall's doing this poetry reading and he needs a statue.

We don't have any unless you want to count, uh, you know who.

Scooter, I cannot do that to Piggy. It's a terrible thing to suggest.

This is not a statue. This is a warm and sensitive lady.

And a friend.

Okay, we'll just cancel the final number.

Scooter! Yeah, boss?

Get this statue on stage.

Come on, Piggy.

If you have tears, prepare to shed them, as

our very special guest brings us a literary recitation.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Randall!

Of the little yellow god.

There's a one

-eyed

yellow idol to the north of Kathmandu.

There's a little marble cross below the town.

There's a broken -hearted woman.

Tends the grave of mad Karun.

And the yellow god.

Forever gazes down.

He was known as Mad Caroon. Mr. Randall. Mr. Randall? What?

Well, it's about the spell.

Can't you see that I'm communing with my muse?

Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were on the phone.

I found a spell that'll turn a statue into a pig, though.

But I like her as a statue. Well,

just in case, the word is pigskin.

Pigskin.

Who are you calling pigskin?

Fish face?

Hello. Uh -huh.

Glad to see you back.

I, um, I was just, um, ordering a football. Scooter, get me that pigskin,

you? Oh, check.

Sure. It's, uh, something I need in my recitation.

Uh -huh, uh -huh. There's a football in the... Green eye of the little yellow

god?

It's poetic license.

Uh -huh. You just had your poetic license revoked.

See?

So, we're all set now, huh? You understand?

Good.

I'm watching you closely, Randall.

Good. Why don't you run out for a long one, huh?

Here we go.

Now we will resume, if we may.

Professor?

He was known as Mad Carew.

By the chaps at Katmandu, he was wilder than they felt inclined to tell.

But for all his foolish pranks, he was

worshipped in the ranks.

And the colonel's daughter.

We're chasing each other wrong.

What do you say?

We're trying to do a show here.

How about a little cooperation?

Check. All right, hit it, boys.

and fight on for her faith.

Fight! Fellows, fight as we will win this game.

An ugly knight lay buried in the heart of Mad Carew.

Was the vengeance of the little yellow

pig.

I thank you.

We've just about come down to the end of another one. But before we go, let us

say thank you to a wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Tony Randolph.

Thank you very, very much, Kermit.

Real thrill being here with you.

You're a hero of mine.

Wow. Yeah.

I just wanted to apologize for accidentally turning Miss Piggy into a

that. I didn't mean to. Oh, well, listen, don't mention it. We all make

mistakes. Instantly, how did it happen?

I don't know. All I said was zark, zark, chumbo, klong, klong, chumbo, and the

next thing I... What happened?

I don't know. All I said was... That's all for tonight. We'll see you next time

on The Muppet Show.

I'm so sorry.

Tune in next time. Find out. Will an ugly girl kiss Kermit and turn him back?

I can't remember your name.

I once knew a whole chorus line that was turned to stone. What chorus line was

that? The Rockettes.