All language subtitles for The Muppet Show s05e12 Tony Randall

Hi, I'm Brian Henson. Let me tell you a
little bit about how we train to perform

the Muppets.

It's kind of an interesting process
because what we do is we watch a monitor

that shows us what the camera's seeing,
and we reach up and we work the puppet

with our other hand.

And it's a complicated process. The idea
is that you're meant

to look into the monitor and bring to
life that character and be the audience

and the audience's point of view.

We are trying to put on a classy show
here.

You can't treat me like that. I'll stick
my pet barracuda on you. Get her,

Kevin.

Of course, it's real difficult because
when the character turns to the right,

the camera sees it turning to the left,
which means you always have to think

backwards. Of course, it's the Muppets,
so thinking backwards comes naturally.

Here's the Muppet show.

Somebody there?

Say, who are you?

I'm a messenger, I am.

Tony Randall sent me to say he can't be
your guest star. He's come down with a

rare disease.

Well, stop that. I recognize you. You're
Tony Randall.

medicine like a man.

You're right.

I can take it.

I'm going to go up those stairs and do
this crummy show.

It's the Muppet Show with our very
special guest star, Tony Ray.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the
Muppet Show tonight.

Why do we always come here? I guess
we'll never know.

It's like a kind of torture to have to
watch the show.

It's time to get things started on the
most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, motivational.

This is what we call.

And it's going to be a great show
tonight because our guest star is the

and debonair Mr. Tony Randall.

Yes. But first, come with us back to the
days of the caveman where every woman

wore furs, every man had a private club,
and backyard barbecues were truly

mama's.

Take out the pavers and the rack.

Boy, you don't get no spending cash.

If you don't scrub that kitchen floor,
you ain't gonna rock and roll no more.

Don't talk back. And it's cleaning up
your room.

Let's see that dust fly with that broom.

Get all that garbage out of sight.

Boy, you don't go out Friday night.

Don't talk back. You just put on.

Don't talk bad.

I didn't know they had rock music in
those days.

Sure, why do you think they call it the
Stone Age?

Come in.

Excuse me, Anthony.

I'm too busy.

Oh, never too busy for the lovely Miss
Piggy.

I was just reading this fascinating old
book of magic spells. They've got some

marvelous things in here.

Here's one on how to make it rain.

One on how to make dogs stop barking.

Listen to this one.

Zark, zark, jumbo.

Clong, clong, jumbo.

You know what that's supposed to do?
Turn people into stone.

It doesn't do it to you, huh? Turning
people into stone.

Here's one that turns people into frogs.
What would you think of that? A world

full of Kermits.

Move out of your mind.

I get it.

Turned to stone, huh?

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Can I come in?

Just a minute, Kermit.

Just a second.

Just let me...

Be right with you.

Come in.

Miss Piggy's on next. She's not in here,
is she?

I don't see her.

Why don't you put somebody else on next?

Put somebody else on? Yeah. I don't
think Miss Piggy would stand still for

Oh, I think she might.

Okay, I'll just postpone Pigs in Space
until later on.

Just wait. Just wait. We'll find
something.

Just a minute.

Kermit, I couldn't find Piggy. I looked
everywhere.

That's funny. I was sure she'd be in her
dressing room.

Except her dressing room.

Hey, Kermit, what do you want me to do
with these guys?

Take them outside.

Then what?

Lock the door.

Come on.

Shh, shh, shh.

You're going to be all right.

I'm going to sneak you out of the
theater and put you in the trunk of my

It's got to be the trunk.

If I put you in the front, you'll
scratch the upholstery.

Now, we're going to take you to a
doctor.

Or maybe a stonemason.

We don't want Kermit to know.

Know what?

Hi,

Kermit. Hi.

Kermit, something terrible has happened.

Do you know what this is?

A statue of Picky?

Yes.

It's a statue of Piggy.

Oh, what's terrible about that? It's
very lifelike. I can just feel those

jowls.

Kermit. Hmm?

It's not a statue.

This is Miss Piggy.

What?

Piggy, is that you?

She was turned to stone by a magic
spell.

But she's a star. She's a friend. This
is terrible.

I feel...

awful. I know how important Miss Piggy
is to you and the show. I'd do anything

to help. Anything.

Oh, well, just go get ready for your
number.

Oh, thank you, Kermit. Did she break
anything?

Yeah, a couple of floorboards.

Here's a Muppet newsflash.

Orchestra leader Zubin Beckmesser was
nearly electrocuted at the Metropolitan

Opera today when he absentmindedly
inserted his baton into an electrical

Mr. Beckmesser, I understand, according
to doctors, you would have died

instantly had you not been such a poor
conductor.

Nothing is broken.

Boy,

you sure are heavy. You must weigh at
least a ton.

Well, that's good. That means she's lost
weight.

Boy, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I
mean, she must be terrified.

Terrified? She's petrified.

Hey, great news, Miss Piggy. You'll be
back to normal in no time. I just got

this new book called Sandblasting
Without Pain.

Did you know that Miss Piggy is very
worried about Kermit? Worried about

Why? Well, she's afraid he'll take her
for granted.

Oh,

okay, guys, enough with these cheap
shots.

Oh, come on, I got another page to go
yet.

Boy, how can you be so cruel to a fellow
performer?

Someone you've known and worked with for
years. Now just take a look at her.

She's suffered enough. Have pity upon
her.

Oh, you're right.

But what do I do with these jokes?

Burn them.

You heard what the frog said.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, our guest
star, Mr. Tony Randall, will now take us

back to the days of the old -time dance
band and their raccoon coats.

Yeah, well, when he's through, he better
give the coat back to us raccoons.

Okay, okay, get off the stage, off the
stage.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Randall.

One night when the moon was so mellow,
Rosita met young

Manuelo. He held her like this, this
lovely mint, then stole

a kiss, this fellow.

He said he was glad he'd met her, and
soon he...

But she said, no, no, I can't go until I
know you better.

Tippy, tippy, tin, tippy, tin, tippy,
tippy, ton, tippy, ton. He kept on a

stealing and he had a feeling she was
satisfied.

Tippy, tippy, tin, tippy, tin, tippy,
tippy, ton, tippy, ton. She was saying

sir, but he held her closer. That's how
we comply.

Tippy, tippy, tin, tippy, tin, tippy,
tippy, ton, tippy, ton. He kept on us

stealing and he had a feeling she was
satisfied.

Tippy, tippy, tin, tippy, tin, tippy,
tippy, ton, tippy, ton. She was staying

closer, so he held her closer, that's
how he complied.

Tippy, tippy, tin, tippy, tin, tippy,
tippy, ton, tippy, ton.

He kept on us stealing and he had a
feeling she was satisfied.

Tippy, tippy, tin, tippy, tin, tippy,
tippy, ton, tippy, ton. She was staying

closer, so he held her closer, that's
how he complied.

I'll reply.

Down at Barney's Fair, one evening I was
there.

Oh, and I heard a showman shouting
underneath the flare.

Oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

There they are all standing in a row.

Three, four.

Big ones, small ones, some as big as
your head.

Give them a twist, a flick of the wrist.
That's what the showman said.

Oi, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Every ball you throw will make me rich.
Me too, love.

And there stands me wife, the idol of me
life, singing. Roll a bowl, a bowl, a

penny, a pig.

Singing. Roll a bowl, a bowl, a penny, a
pig.

Singing. Roll a bowl.

We are a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Here we are standing in a row.

Big ones, small ones, some as big as
your head.

Give much with obligatory risk.

Oh,

we are a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Every ball you throw will make us rich.

And there stands me wife. She's the oil
to love me like singing.

a penny of tea.

Roll a bowl, a bowl, a penny of peach.

Roll a bowl.

Arbaltof.

Fazgoth.

Well.

Rel. Gog.

Ramwraith. La.

Still nothing, Tony.

I've read practically everything in the
book. Something's got to turn her back.

Keep reading.

Ynit.

Ladnar.

Roslendire.

Rizal. Ivad. Gib.

New dressier Slea odd divot as none

So

far nothing's happened

Something I say

She comes on like a rose.

But everybody knows.

She gets it in Dutch.

You can look, but you better not touch.

Poison Ivy.

Poison Ivy.

Poison Ivy.

rash song.

Well, what do you expect? He started
from scratch.

And now, Pigs in Space!

As we join our heroes, it's been a quiet
day aboard the Swine Trek.

Well, it's been a quiet day aboard the
Swine Trek.

I can't remember a more relaxed peaceful
time.

Oh.

It's the kind of day that just makes you
feel good to be a pig.

I suppose it's because first my piggies
turned to stone.

They couldn't hide.

I wonder how it happened.

Well, in olden times, they had magic
spells for that kind of stuff.

But nowadays, well, she was probably
playing with the petrified Catratron.

The who?

Well, it's one of the Swine Trek's
defense systems.

It can turn people into stone and then
turn them back again.

Oh, I had forgotten.

Look here. You set the little tile here
and then you throw this lever.

This lever here? Yeah.

I'm responsible for this!

Him and the frog!

for what this fine track.

It's the kind of day that just makes you
feel good to be a pig.

Tune in next time when we ask the
question, why did you tune in this time

Pigs in Space?

Oh, without Miss Piggy, we had to carry
that whole sketch ourselves.

I'd be grateful if we didn't have to
carry Miss Piggy.

during the stage.

I'm going to put this in the prop
closet.

That's Miss Piggy. Now treat her well.

She's a star and a lady. And a rock.

It doesn't matter. Just put her down
right there.

Do we have any statues?

That's a funny thing to ask tonight.

You see, Tony Randall's doing this
poetry reading and he needs a statue.

We don't have any unless you want to
count, uh, you know who.

Scooter, I cannot do that to Piggy. It's
a terrible thing to suggest.

This is not a statue. This is a warm and
sensitive lady.

And a friend.

Okay, we'll just cancel the final
number.

Scooter! Yeah, boss?

Get this statue on stage.

Come on, Piggy.

If you have tears, prepare to shed them,
as

our very special guest brings us a
literary recitation.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Randall!

Of the little yellow god.

There's a one

-eyed

yellow idol to the north of Kathmandu.

There's a little marble cross below the
town.

There's a broken -hearted woman.

Tends the grave of mad Karun.

And the yellow god.

Forever gazes down.

He was known as Mad Caroon. Mr. Randall.
Mr. Randall? What?

Well, it's about the spell.

Can't you see that I'm communing with my
muse?

Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were on the
phone.

I found a spell that'll turn a statue
into a pig, though.

But I like her as a statue. Well,

just in case, the word is pigskin.

Pigskin.

Who are you calling pigskin?

Fish face?

Hello. Uh -huh.

Glad to see you back.

I, um, I was just, um, ordering a
football. Scooter, get me that pigskin,

you? Oh, check.

Sure. It's, uh, something I need in my
recitation.

Uh -huh, uh -huh. There's a football in
the... Green eye of the little yellow

god?

It's poetic license.

Uh -huh. You just had your poetic
license revoked.

See?

So, we're all set now, huh? You
understand?

Good.

I'm watching you closely, Randall.

Good. Why don't you run out for a long
one, huh?

Here we go.

Now we will resume, if we may.

Professor?

He was known as Mad Carew.

By the chaps at Katmandu, he was wilder
than they felt inclined to tell.

But for all his foolish pranks, he was

worshipped in the ranks.

And the colonel's daughter.

We're chasing each other wrong.

What do you say?

We're trying to do a show here.

How about a little cooperation?

Check. All right, hit it, boys.

and fight on for her faith.

Fight! Fellows, fight as we will win
this game.

An ugly knight lay buried in the heart
of Mad Carew.

Was the vengeance of the little yellow

pig.

I thank you.

We've just about come down to the end of
another one. But before we go, let us

say thank you to a wonderful guest star,
ladies and gentlemen, Tony Randolph.

Thank you very, very much, Kermit.

Real thrill being here with you.

You're a hero of mine.

Wow. Yeah.

I just wanted to apologize for
accidentally turning Miss Piggy into a

that. I didn't mean to. Oh, well,
listen, don't mention it. We all make

mistakes. Instantly, how did it happen?

I don't know. All I said was zark, zark,
chumbo, klong, klong, chumbo, and the

next thing I... What happened?

I don't know. All I said was... That's
all for tonight. We'll see you next time

on The Muppet Show.

I'm so sorry.

Tune in next time. Find out. Will an
ugly girl kiss Kermit and turn him back?

I can't remember your name.

I once knew a whole chorus line that was
turned to stone. What chorus line was

that? The Rockettes.