Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This next episode stars James Coburn. For a change, we have a real Hollywood

tough guy with us.

What do you call this?

The Easter Bunny?

When Coburn came on the show, my father asked him what his favorite character

was, and he immediately replied, animal.

So you'll see the running gag through the episode is the relationship between

James Coburn and animal. There's right ways and wrong ways to handle

You don't want to bust a chair up like that.

You want to bust it up like that.

But my favorite moment is the scene where James Coburn tries to relax Animal

enough to meditate.

Relax.

Are you relaxed?

Relax.

Here it is, The Muppet Show, starring James Coburn.

Coburn. James Coburn.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, I seen you in all them tough guy movies.

Hey, you got a contract out on the frog?

No, no.

I'm just here as a guest.

Sure you are. And that bulge in your pocket's just a pipe.

What's up?

You've seen too many movies, Pop.

Now, can you show me to my dressing room?

Yeah. Scooter.

Yeah, Pop?

Yeah.

And make it snappy.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, motivational, this is what we call the Muppet Show.

Well, she heard it.

Thank you and welcome again to the Muppet Show. And I have some wonderful

for you because tonight's guests are...

Easy, easy.

Square drums.

Yucky drums.

Well, it's hard to be sure.

They may wind up in Booyah Base.

Booyah Base?

Well, those French towns are nice.

Animals on the loose! Animals on the loose! Get them, Rizzo!

It's James Coburn.

What is it, Kermit? You having problems?

Problems? No, no, no, no, no. Actually, everything's right under control, sir.

Yes. As a matter of fact, it's going to be a very different experience having

you with us tonight. Really? How so?

Oh, well, for a change, we have a real Hollywood tough guy with us. Hey!

You don't want to bust a chair up like that.

come true.

James Cooper and an animal have made friends.

Yeah, they're up in his dressing room swapping stories.

How about this?

Well,

they're swapping something.

We're ready for Bear on Patrol.

Yes, sir. Bear on Patrol is not until the second half of the show, guys. Okay,

we'll wait in the squad car.

We'll take this thing with you, would you?

In that case, we're waiting to squid car.

James who?

James Cooper.

That's not funny.

Yeah, neither is this.

Hey, don't do that. It might be bad for...

You call me a two -bit hood?

Yeah. But I've been living next door to you for the past ten years.

Okay, okay, fine. Then you're a neighborhood.

Guns. Guns.

That's a lousy joke.

Oh,

that root beer is terrible.

It's the first thing we're going to change around here.

You mean my mob?

I don't see any mob.

Well, gee,

they were.

Right, Gonzo.

Oh, I give up. I give up. You can have the place.

I was going to open the chicken ranch anyway.

You don't want the place, Gonzo. What?

I just came to play with the band.

If you can't...

there betsy bird hey i really love that little dance you did earlier in the show

oh my uh well thank you yeah do you have any other

dances you could do for us oh no i mean well i'm i'm just working them out well

they're not very good but if you want me to uh wing it

And now, living the world of evil, here comes Bear on patrol.

Get in there, you. Get in there. Just keep going.

Get in there. Stand still.

Patrol Bear, can't you be more polite to the public?

But sir, this is a crook. Well, that's different.

What's the little twerp's name?

Banana Nose Maldonado.

Banana Nose Maldonado.

How'd you ever get a dumb name like that? My parents were Mr. and Mrs.

Maldonado.

Well, full case, Marty Poole. Lock him up, patrol bear.

Yes, sir, sir, sir. Get in there, you. Get in there. Don't put me away. What if

I spill the beans?

That's simple. Lock him up and don't give him any beans.

Yes, sir. Get in there. No beans for you tonight. Wait a minute. What if I

actually tell you that I'm really a police officer?

Oh, yeah?

Well, then why aren't you wearing one of these official police officer type

uniforms? Well,

this is an official police disguise.

Wow,

this looks cute.

Is this part of it right here?

That's real.

Actually, I'm Chief Inspector Maldonado.

Really?

patrol bears that's the chief inspector free yes sir sir sir let me show you the

way out you look very attractive in that i'll give you a taxi love to the wife

and kids oh oh sir we almost sir

come here uh do you recognize this fellow

Oh, the truth, of course.

I caught this guy, but I'm still looking for this one and this one.

Animal, if you can control yourself, you will enter a state of relaxation.

You're getting deeper and deeper relaxed.

Relaxed.

Are you relaxed?

Relaxed.

Control yourself.

The white eternal light is penetrating your temples, going down through

your body, and coming out your toes.

Are you relaxed?

Uh, uh, James?

Oh.

Oh, Kermit.

Uh, excuse me. You know, I think it's just great what you're doing with Animal

here. Oh, it's nothing. Just a little oriental philosophy and some meditation.

Meditation.

Yeah, well, just don't forget that the closing number is a rootin' tootin' gun

tootin' cowboy desperado. Shoot him up. Yeah, Kermit, listen.

Animal and I have been talking this over, and there's an awful lot of

in entertainment these days. We'd like to do something a little bit more

enlightened.

Something more serene, like maybe a salute to Japan.

Oh.

Yeah, well, we already have the cowboys and we rented the horses, though.

Yeah.

We want to do something serene.

Serene!

Yes, well, that's a good idea. Yes, indeed.

Octopod.

We were so funny.

Yeah, we were supposed to be.

Oh, boy, what are we going to do? James doesn't want to do the gunfighter

sketch. Why not?

He doesn't like the gunfighter sketch.

You want to know what the gunfighter thinks of James Colburn?

No, no, probably not.

Scooter? Yeah?

What are we going to do? James Colburn... to do a quiet contemplative

closing number. Oh, I got no time, boss. You know whose bus just broke down in

front of the theater? The Tokyo Tai Chi Karate and Chowder Society.

Oh, look.

Oh, well, fate sometimes just seems to step right in. I'll go make the intro.

Yeah.

Okay, and now, ladies and gentlemen, we're never too sure if any act on this

show will work or not, but this next act is guaranteed to work.

Or not.

special guest, Mr. James Colburn, exploring the perfect serenity of

music with our own Zen percussionist animal.

I give it about a minute and a half.

Sorry.

pan kitten in the stew. Girls in the middle for a little kung fu.

Keep on dancing around

the floor. It'll soon be over because there ain't no more.

Tough old cowboy Japanese dolls.

Bow to your partner. Walk through the wall.

Now we can say I've done the Muppet Show.

Yeah, well, the way things turned out, you could say you did the gong show.