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All language subtitles for The Muppet Show s05e03 Shirley Bassey

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,850 --> 00:00:05,330 Hi. Oh, who are you? 2 00:00:05,750 --> 00:00:08,250 I'm Shirley Bassey. I'm doing the show tonight. 3 00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:13,090 Oh, right. You're doing the show tonight? Mm -hmm. Great. You can brush 4 00:00:14,770 --> 00:00:17,210 What? I have to brush your rat? 5 00:00:17,530 --> 00:00:19,450 Everybody pitches in around here. 6 00:00:19,710 --> 00:00:21,930 Oh, good. Then you can call my crocodile. 7 00:00:23,930 --> 00:00:28,050 They warned me about this show, so I came prepared. 8 00:00:31,790 --> 00:00:35,430 It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Shirley Bassett. 9 00:00:35,630 --> 00:00:36,630 Yeah! 10 00:00:50,390 --> 00:00:52,110 It's time to play the music. 11 00:00:52,390 --> 00:00:54,070 It's time to light the light. 12 00:00:54,430 --> 00:00:57,390 It's time to meet the Muppet on the Muppet Show tonight. 13 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:00,440 It's time to put on makeup. 14 00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:02,440 It's time to dress up right. 15 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:05,880 It's time to raise the curtain on the Muffin Show tonight. 16 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:10,460 Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know. 17 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:14,580 It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show. 18 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:29,180 It's time to get things started on the Motivational, Inspirational, 19 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:35,960 Celebrational, Motivational, This is what we call the Muppet Show! 20 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:42,700 Come on, your uncle's calling! 21 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:49,620 Thank you, thank you, hi, hello, and welcome to the Muppet Show! 22 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:52,980 And it's going to be a wonderful show tonight because our guest star is one of 23 00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:55,360 the world's great singers, Miss Shirley Bassey. 24 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:59,740 Yes, but first, how would you like to boogie? 25 00:02:00,060 --> 00:02:02,480 Well then, get thee to a barnyard. 26 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:39,020 in the barnyard pen. Wah, wah. Said the duck, won't you let me in? 27 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:43,200 Cluck, cluck, cluck. Said the little white hen, let's boogie in the barnyard. 28 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:47,000 Bye, bye. Said the sheep coming in off home. Moo, moo. 29 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:48,980 Said the cow, let the butter roll. 30 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:53,020 Cluck, cluck, cluck. Said the little white hen, let's boogie in the barnyard. 31 00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,800 Well, the barnyard was jumping. 32 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,060 Everybody having to flee. 33 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:03,000 Even old McDonald had to do a little corny swing. 34 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:04,600 Whoa, whoa. 35 00:03:11,130 --> 00:03:13,430 There's a boogie in the barnyard. Take it! 36 00:04:04,790 --> 00:04:07,590 Oh, yeah. 37 00:04:15,340 --> 00:04:18,880 Play the men in the theater box. Don't boogie in the barnyard. 38 00:04:20,740 --> 00:04:24,340 Very good, barnyard animals. Nicely mooed, oinked, and clucked. 39 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:25,940 What about me? 40 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:30,200 Okay. I thought it was good. 41 00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:32,200 Out, out, out, out. 42 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:33,980 I hate cheap shots. 43 00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:38,220 Okay, on stage. Dancing sax. Dancing sax on stage, please. 44 00:04:40,430 --> 00:04:44,490 Hey, Chief, you know in Shirley Bassey's closing number, Goldfinger, how you 45 00:04:44,490 --> 00:04:47,310 wanted the set painted gold? We don't have any gold paint. 46 00:04:47,990 --> 00:04:50,870 What? Best we can do is kind of a rust color. 47 00:04:51,950 --> 00:04:53,910 Scooter, she's not going to sing Rustfinger. 48 00:04:54,850 --> 00:04:56,430 Haven't you got something closer to gold? 49 00:04:56,790 --> 00:05:00,250 Well, what if we bring in some ice and she sings Coldfinger? 50 00:05:01,490 --> 00:05:03,990 Scooter, will you go out and get some paint right now? Yes, boss. 51 00:05:04,310 --> 00:05:05,370 Oh, come it. 52 00:05:05,770 --> 00:05:07,650 Those socks are really boring. 53 00:05:08,030 --> 00:05:09,030 Oh, well, sack to sack. 54 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,660 Yes, sir. On stage, Shirley Bassey. Shirley Bassey on stage, please. 55 00:05:13,060 --> 00:05:16,440 It's all your fault. You got no sense of rhythm. 56 00:05:16,740 --> 00:05:18,200 Ah, shut up, you old bag. 57 00:05:20,580 --> 00:05:24,860 Okay, well, in sharp contrast to that last act, what could be more different 58 00:05:24,860 --> 00:05:28,560 than the dramatic sophistication of our lovely, talented guest star? Ladies and 59 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,980 gentlemen, the dynamic Miss Shirley Bassey! 60 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:48,900 They're the cold eyes, but they're not the gold. 61 00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:52,460 Let me put you wise. 62 00:06:25,420 --> 00:06:31,640 There's a lazy lip, but they'll come to life 63 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:35,020 should we come to grips. 64 00:06:36,220 --> 00:06:38,040 If you have any... 65 00:07:54,890 --> 00:07:56,230 down below. Great number. 66 00:07:56,490 --> 00:07:57,490 Thanks. 67 00:07:57,630 --> 00:07:59,650 Thanks? You didn't write fire down below. 68 00:07:59,970 --> 00:08:02,870 No, but the guy who did had just had a bowl of my chili. 69 00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:09,430 Okay, nice number. Those fake gold bars looked very good, guys. 70 00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,490 Hey, Kermit? Kermit, I got some news. 71 00:08:11,770 --> 00:08:13,930 Oh, you got the gold paint? Well, we don't need the paint anymore. 72 00:08:14,210 --> 00:08:14,749 Why not? 73 00:08:14,750 --> 00:08:16,770 Well, you'll see. Come here. Hey, Bruno? 74 00:08:17,350 --> 00:08:18,350 Bruno? 75 00:08:18,590 --> 00:08:19,590 Bruno, 76 00:08:19,950 --> 00:08:20,950 this is Kermit. 77 00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:24,390 It's a frog. You didn't say nothing about no frog. 78 00:08:24,950 --> 00:08:26,050 Oh, he's okay. 79 00:08:26,410 --> 00:08:29,530 You see, I saw Bruno across the street parked in an armored van. 80 00:08:29,750 --> 00:08:32,070 He's loaning us the gold for Shirley Bassey's number. 81 00:08:32,390 --> 00:08:33,490 Oh, that's very nice of you. 82 00:08:33,690 --> 00:08:34,690 Yeah, he's a big fan. 83 00:08:34,970 --> 00:08:37,190 Yeah, I love her. Uh -huh. That's real gold? 84 00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:40,289 Yeah, you bet, Mac. Fifty million bucks, White. 85 00:08:40,490 --> 00:08:43,030 Wow, I've never even touched real gold before. 86 00:08:43,770 --> 00:08:47,810 Nobody touches this gold except me. 87 00:08:49,710 --> 00:08:50,710 Yes, sir. 88 00:08:51,410 --> 00:08:53,810 I still don't trust a frog. 89 00:08:54,390 --> 00:08:56,170 Something about the eyes. 90 00:08:57,190 --> 00:09:03,650 Well, he's okay, Bruno. Honest. You know what 50 million bucks means to a frog? 91 00:09:05,390 --> 00:09:11,110 Anyway, if one of these gold bars is... Okay. 92 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,280 Spread them out. Spread them out. 93 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,180 What'd you do with it? What'd you do with it? It couldn't have been him. He 94 00:09:17,180 --> 00:09:18,159 right here. 95 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:21,820 Oh, yeah? You know how fast these frogs are? You ever seen one catch a fly? 96 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:31,800 Dr. 97 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:37,860 Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. 98 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:44,080 For centuries, alchemists have labored in vain, trying to turn lead into gold. 99 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:47,720 That would be so snazzy. 100 00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:53,720 Now, this machine cannot turn lead into gold, but it can do the next best thing. 101 00:09:54,020 --> 00:09:57,120 It can turn gold into cottage cheese. 102 00:09:58,980 --> 00:10:04,060 Now, here's my assistant, Beaker, with a nice, shiny, bright bar of gold. 103 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:06,460 Let's put it in the machine, Beaker. 104 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:11,960 That's good. 105 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,240 Now we turn the machine on. 106 00:10:19,020 --> 00:10:19,580 So, 107 00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:27,740 the 108 00:10:27,740 --> 00:10:29,200 experiment is complete. 109 00:10:29,740 --> 00:10:31,140 What'd he do with the gold? 110 00:10:31,460 --> 00:10:33,200 Well, he put it right in the machine here. 111 00:10:40,980 --> 00:10:42,060 Cottage cheese. 112 00:10:42,460 --> 00:10:45,000 Low in cholesterol, high in vitamins. 113 00:10:50,340 --> 00:10:51,340 Come in. 114 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:56,360 Oh, excuse me, Miss Baffy. Yes? Oh, here's that cottage cheese you ordered. 115 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:59,740 thank you, Spencer. I do like a light snack in between numbers. 116 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:00,960 Yeah. 117 00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:02,700 Are you sure this is fresh? 118 00:11:03,060 --> 00:11:04,520 Oh, yeah. Why do you ask? 119 00:11:06,860 --> 00:11:10,280 I call this a light snack. 120 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:11,720 Well... 121 00:14:31,340 --> 00:14:33,620 I tell you, Shirley, it makes me feel weird. 122 00:14:33,860 --> 00:14:38,000 I mean, it's sitting right there next to Kermit's desk. Fifty million dollars 123 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,000 worth of gold. 124 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,780 Just try to ignore it, Fosby. 125 00:14:42,020 --> 00:14:43,020 It's only money. 126 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,920 But, Shirley, fifty million dollars? 127 00:14:46,220 --> 00:14:48,880 Do you know how many jokes that would buy? 128 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,240 Your kind of joke? 129 00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:52,700 Quite a few. 130 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:55,280 No, no, really. 131 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,740 I have an expensive gag writer. 132 00:14:57,940 --> 00:15:00,600 Gags Beasley. He charges fifty cents a laugh. 133 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:07,180 Yeah. A dollar, a dollar for a boffo belly grabber. A boffo belly grabber. 134 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:12,020 if you divide a boffo belly grabber into 50 million dollars, do you have any 135 00:15:12,020 --> 00:15:16,540 money? There are many more things in life. 136 00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:19,500 Let me tell you a little story. 137 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:20,960 Okay? Okay. 138 00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:27,180 A long time ago, a million years before. 139 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:35,120 The best things in life were absolutely free. 140 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:44,280 But no one appreciated a sky that was 141 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:45,320 always blue. 142 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:53,780 And no one congratulated a moon 143 00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:55,620 that was always blue. 144 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:08,580 it was planned that they would vanish now and then and you must 145 00:16:08,580 --> 00:16:15,500 pay before you get them back again that's what 146 00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:22,220 storms were made for and you shouldn't be 147 00:16:22,220 --> 00:16:23,220 afraid 148 00:18:33,710 --> 00:18:37,210 Here comes the Muppet Show with the theater holding over $50 million in gold 149 00:18:37,210 --> 00:18:42,030 bullion. Trained guards watch the precious metal round the clock, and dire 150 00:18:42,030 --> 00:18:47,110 consequences will befall anyone who so much as lays a finger on it, like so. 151 00:18:49,110 --> 00:18:50,110 Ah! 152 00:18:50,470 --> 00:18:51,470 Ah! 153 00:18:52,530 --> 00:18:53,530 The doctor! 154 00:19:00,450 --> 00:19:01,650 They're going to be all right. 155 00:19:02,810 --> 00:19:03,810 Stay with him. 156 00:19:05,390 --> 00:19:09,430 And now, ladies and gentlemen, the great Gonzo conducts Lieberstrom Wild. 157 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:22,360 Tough luck, Gonzo. Oh, tough luck. Au contraire, mon ami. 158 00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:27,840 Spanish. You have just witnessed the birth of a great new show business 159 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:28,840 partnership. 160 00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:30,900 Gonzo and Buster. 161 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:33,860 Buster? The crab's name is... Of course it is. 162 00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:38,800 I just don't understand. 163 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:40,400 What, uh, Gonzo? 164 00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:44,400 No, Shirley Bassey. What's she doing on a show like this? 165 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,880 Right now, she's going to sing, so why don't you just get that gold on stage, 166 00:20:48,020 --> 00:20:48,759 okay? Okay. 167 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:49,760 Come on, on stage. 168 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,060 Hey, where do you think you're going? 169 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:54,240 Well, I was going to go introduce Shirley. 170 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:55,900 Well, go on, then. 171 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:57,240 Yes, sir. 172 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:00,140 Take an eye on that frog. 173 00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:06,480 Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've had a few artists on The Muppet Show who have 174 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,400 solid gold records, and Shirley Bassey is no exception. 175 00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:13,020 But she is the only guest we've ever had with a solid gold set. 176 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:18,380 Yes, no expense spared. so please welcome the inestimable, the priceless, 177 00:21:18,380 --> 00:21:19,380 surely... 178 00:21:58,640 --> 00:21:59,640 and to hit 179 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:21,559 I love the show. 180 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,320 It's lots of fun and full of pride. 181 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:25,880 Surprises? Mm -hmm. 182 00:24:26,660 --> 00:24:32,640 Bruno, you apologize this minute. Okay, okay. I'm sorry I accused you. It was 183 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:33,700 Shirley Bassey. 184 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,260 It was Clement who stated... 185 00:25:16,460 --> 00:25:19,760 I bought gold back when it was cheap. Really? Where is it now? 186 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:21,320 Oh... 13786