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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:07,540 I'm Loretta Swit. 2 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:10,140 Loretta Swit, our guest star. Yes. 3 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:14,440 Internationally acclaimed actress. Oh, well. Star of MASH. 4 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:16,260 Yes. Brilliant comedian. 5 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:17,600 You're very sweet. 6 00:00:17,940 --> 00:00:21,440 Dressing room number three. Sweep the floor when you're throwing. Try not to 7 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:22,440 dirty the towel. 8 00:00:23,740 --> 00:00:27,680 I'm beginning to wonder about this show. When my contract arrived, it was 9 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:28,680 written in crayon. 10 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,860 It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Loretta Swit. 11 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:01,340 It's time to put on makeup. 12 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,320 It's time to dress up right. 13 00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:06,760 It's time to raise a curtain on the Muffin Show tonight. 14 00:01:07,260 --> 00:01:11,360 Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know. 15 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:15,460 It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show. 16 00:01:26,250 --> 00:01:29,470 It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, 17 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:34,230 salarational, motivational, this is what we do. 18 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:53,320 Wonderful show, because tonight's guest is the lovely star of the MASH TV 19 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:57,080 series, a brilliant comedian, a great movie actress, Miss Loretta Swit. 20 00:01:57,820 --> 00:02:02,260 Yes, but while we're waiting to meet our invited guests, let's look in on some 21 00:02:02,260 --> 00:02:03,760 other guests who weren't invited. 22 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:16,160 One night Farmer Brown was taking the air After locking up the barn with the 23 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:21,590 greatest care Then down in the hen house Something stirred when he shouted, this 24 00:02:21,590 --> 00:02:25,890 is what he heard. There ain't nobody here but us chickens. 25 00:02:26,310 --> 00:02:28,870 There ain't nobody here at all. 26 00:02:29,470 --> 00:02:32,690 So rise yourself and stop that foot. 27 00:02:32,990 --> 00:02:38,290 There ain't nobody here but us. Hey, we chickens are trying to sleep and you 28 00:02:38,290 --> 00:02:42,110 bust in. And hobble, hobble, hobble, hobble with your chin. 29 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:44,630 There ain't nobody here but us chickens. 30 00:02:45,170 --> 00:02:47,830 There ain't nobody here at all. 31 00:02:48,650 --> 00:02:49,850 You're stomping around. 32 00:02:50,210 --> 00:02:51,570 You're shaking the ground. 33 00:02:51,770 --> 00:02:53,870 You're raising up a powerful dust. 34 00:02:54,330 --> 00:02:58,210 We chickens are trying to sleep, and you bust in. 35 00:02:58,450 --> 00:03:00,910 And hobble, hobble, hobble, hobble, dick and fin. 36 00:03:01,450 --> 00:03:05,430 Tomorrow is a busy day. We got things to do. 37 00:03:05,650 --> 00:03:06,870 We got eggs to lay. 38 00:03:07,110 --> 00:03:10,250 We got worms to dig. We got ground to scratch. 39 00:03:10,630 --> 00:03:15,210 And it takes a lot of certain getting chicks to hatch. There ain't nobody here 40 00:03:15,210 --> 00:03:19,110 but us chickens. There ain't nobody here at all. 41 00:03:19,670 --> 00:03:21,190 Quiet yourself. 42 00:03:21,510 --> 00:03:22,930 Stop that foot. 43 00:04:03,530 --> 00:04:04,890 I liked it. Oh, you. 44 00:04:05,770 --> 00:04:08,990 You like that? 45 00:04:09,370 --> 00:04:11,910 No, I just wanted to see what you do if I said I did. 46 00:04:14,450 --> 00:04:15,990 Okay, nice opening number. 47 00:04:16,230 --> 00:04:17,370 Chickens, check your guns. 48 00:04:17,589 --> 00:04:18,649 Oh, can I help? 49 00:04:19,610 --> 00:04:20,970 Come here, Tammy. 50 00:04:21,310 --> 00:04:23,090 I have a surprise for you. 51 00:04:23,290 --> 00:04:24,530 Yeah, what's that? Hold it. 52 00:04:25,250 --> 00:04:26,350 Thank you. 53 00:04:27,010 --> 00:04:28,450 What was that all about? 54 00:04:32,590 --> 00:04:35,030 and run a show with people pulling dumb stunts like that all the time. 55 00:04:35,450 --> 00:04:37,090 Congratulations, Chief. On what? 56 00:04:37,290 --> 00:04:40,110 Well, that photographer said you were going to be on the big cover story of 57 00:04:40,110 --> 00:04:42,250 big gossip paper, Tongue Magazine. 58 00:04:42,890 --> 00:04:46,650 Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in 59 00:04:46,650 --> 00:04:47,710 Vegas. What? 60 00:04:50,150 --> 00:04:51,150 Piggy? 61 00:04:51,350 --> 00:04:55,310 Piggy? Yes, Mr. Piggy? Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the 62 00:04:55,310 --> 00:04:56,310 gossip papers again? 63 00:04:56,710 --> 00:05:00,750 Um, what would make you think a thing like that? The photographer who was just 64 00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:01,870 here, he was from Tongue Mag... 65 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,400 It was a cover story about us being secretly married. 66 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:16,240 That's a bald -faced lie, Piggy. I will not stand around while you do dumb 67 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:19,860 things like that, Piggy. You have done that to me too many times, Piggy. I will 68 00:05:19,860 --> 00:05:21,580 not stand for it. I will not stand for it. 69 00:05:22,860 --> 00:05:26,180 I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Piggy. I'm going to fire you. Piggy, you 70 00:05:26,180 --> 00:05:29,260 fired. You are fired, Piggy. You are fired. Fired. 71 00:05:33,310 --> 00:05:34,690 kidding. I am not kidding. 72 00:05:35,490 --> 00:05:38,750 But I'm in the next number. I will cancel. 73 00:05:39,450 --> 00:05:41,950 Cancel the next number. Put on the Snorrer's course instead. 74 00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:43,610 Snorrer's course. 75 00:05:43,830 --> 00:05:46,330 Get the Snorrer's course on stage. Well, hold it. Wait. Get out there. Wait a 76 00:05:46,330 --> 00:05:47,810 minute. It's mine. It's my number. 77 00:05:48,070 --> 00:05:50,090 You can't fire me. I'm the star. 78 00:05:50,390 --> 00:05:54,030 You can be replaced, Piggy. Oh, I see. Just try. 79 00:05:54,450 --> 00:05:58,610 I will. I will. I will replace you. The Snorrer's are going to put the audience 80 00:05:58,610 --> 00:05:59,610 to sleep. 81 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,400 Don't ask me, I was asleep. 82 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:20,700 And now, ladies and gentlemen, here in a salute to the San Andreas Fault, Miss 83 00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:21,700 Loretta Swift! 84 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:47,000 I haven't laughed so much since I saw Earthquake. 85 00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:48,980 Sweet, but sick. 86 00:08:50,340 --> 00:08:54,020 I said I hate long goodbyes. So what? So long. 87 00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:56,520 Oh, yeah? 88 00:08:56,760 --> 00:09:02,140 Well, the Earthquake number went fine. I tell you, I do not need this show. I 89 00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:05,760 have a whole world waiting up there for moi. Well, don't keep them waiting. 90 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:11,520 I have musical comedy offers, press conferences, film offers. The last... 91 00:09:20,170 --> 00:09:23,330 this like grown -ups. When you don't discuss it like grown -ups, when you're 92 00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:27,310 talking to a pig, you don't discuss it like grown -ups. Not you, boy. Not you. 93 00:09:28,230 --> 00:09:29,230 Quiet! 94 00:09:30,750 --> 00:09:33,970 Kermit, you can't just pick her up and throw her out in the snow. 95 00:09:34,290 --> 00:09:36,290 Not without a forklift, I can't. 96 00:09:38,030 --> 00:09:39,030 Very funny. 97 00:09:39,150 --> 00:09:40,150 What, boy? 98 00:09:41,390 --> 00:09:42,890 Kermit? Now, 99 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:48,550 listen to me. Who do you think you could get to play those scenes with the same 100 00:09:48,550 --> 00:09:49,550 verve and... 101 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:52,160 pizzazz. Pizzazz. 102 00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:54,620 Well, in Vets Hospital, I was hoping you would. 103 00:09:54,900 --> 00:09:57,460 Oh, God. 104 00:09:58,020 --> 00:10:03,240 Oh, do you think a costume would fit me? Sure. Oh, of course. Anybody can play 105 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,240 that part. 106 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,060 Oh, excuse me. Do you work here? 107 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:16,160 Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital. 108 00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:20,680 The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs. 109 00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:22,780 Say, isn't someone missing? 110 00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,300 Okay, isn't someone missing? 111 00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:31,920 Hello, I'm Nurse Loretta, and I'm here to fill in for Nurse Piggy. Well, if 112 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,260 you're here to fill in for Nurse Piggy, you'd better fill out. 113 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,940 Is that some kind of a fat joke? 114 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,540 Yes, unfortunately, it's not the funny kind. 115 00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:42,960 Well, shall we get started? 116 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:44,269 Not yet. 117 00:10:44,270 --> 00:10:47,810 I'm not sure you're qualified for what we do here at Veterinarian's Hospital. 118 00:10:48,110 --> 00:10:49,370 Well, she might be. 119 00:10:49,590 --> 00:10:53,270 I think I've seen her face somewhere else. Oh, that couldn't be. My face has 120 00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:54,450 always been right where it is. 121 00:10:55,010 --> 00:10:57,170 You just qualified. 122 00:10:57,730 --> 00:10:58,890 Have you got the instruments? 123 00:10:59,190 --> 00:10:59,929 Yes, doctor. 124 00:10:59,930 --> 00:11:01,710 Scalpel, suture. Have you got clamps? 125 00:11:02,150 --> 00:11:04,470 No, my stomach's a little upset, but I don't have any clamps. 126 00:11:06,030 --> 00:11:08,170 I think you're overqualified. 127 00:11:09,430 --> 00:11:12,230 Say, I just remembered where I saw your face. 128 00:11:12,730 --> 00:11:15,230 It was on a show called Mesh. That's right. 129 00:11:15,830 --> 00:11:20,990 Dumb name for a show, Mesh. Oh, I don't know. My uncle the sled dog was on a 130 00:11:20,990 --> 00:11:21,990 show called Mush. 131 00:11:22,670 --> 00:11:23,910 They didn't have a long run? 132 00:11:24,130 --> 00:11:26,190 Yes, thanks to the Eskimo with the whip. 133 00:11:26,710 --> 00:11:30,850 And so we come to the end of another veterinarian's hospital. 134 00:11:31,270 --> 00:11:33,010 Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. 135 00:11:33,230 --> 00:11:35,990 Bob say... Wait a minute. We haven't had a patient yet. 136 00:11:36,430 --> 00:11:38,410 That's nothing. You haven't had a laugh yet either. 137 00:11:43,310 --> 00:11:44,610 Okay, okay, everybody. 138 00:11:45,110 --> 00:11:46,110 Ready? 139 00:11:46,490 --> 00:11:50,610 Scooter. Yes, okay, now let's rehearse it one more time before Miss Piggy comes 140 00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:52,610 up. All right, okay. Here we go. Ready? 141 00:11:53,430 --> 00:11:54,430 Sure. 142 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,760 Piggy will really like that. 143 00:12:21,980 --> 00:12:28,560 Yeah. But in Piggy's case, shouldn't it be, and days of old Lang swine? 144 00:12:30,780 --> 00:12:31,780 Now, 145 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:38,460 be serious, guys, because Piggy's been with us for a long time, and when she 146 00:12:38,460 --> 00:12:42,000 goes, well, it'll be very sad. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. 147 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:43,319 Yeah, it's true. 148 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:46,940 On the other hand, when she goes, she takes her dog with her. 149 00:12:47,220 --> 00:12:48,220 Yeah. 150 00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:57,540 That dog is man's 151 00:12:57,540 --> 00:12:58,540 best fiend. 152 00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:04,840 Hey, Ralph, the guys and I know another song for Piggy. What's that? 153 00:13:05,140 --> 00:13:11,160 For she's a jolly good porker. For she's a jolly good porker. For she's a jolly 154 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:12,160 good... 155 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:22,360 He's on the line. 156 00:17:04,740 --> 00:17:08,339 It was a cover story, Piggy. It was a cover story. It said that we were 157 00:17:08,339 --> 00:17:12,040 married. Scooter, Scooter, would you go up and ask Loretta if she would take 158 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:13,180 Piggy's part in Pigs in Space? 159 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:02,100 As you may recall, our last episode had nothing to do with the previous episode. 160 00:18:02,260 --> 00:18:03,480 Or this one either. 161 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:09,520 Why, Leggy Pooh, how divine you look. 162 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,960 Don't be disrespectful, strange pork. 163 00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:16,100 These are not mine. I was attacked by them. 164 00:18:16,460 --> 00:18:20,360 Well, if they're not yours, whose could they be? 165 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:24,580 First mate piggy report to the bridge on the double. 166 00:18:41,350 --> 00:18:44,010 Can we try that again without the nose? 167 00:18:44,650 --> 00:18:45,990 You mean the snout out? 168 00:18:47,110 --> 00:18:51,230 Much better. Now listen, First Mate Piggy. Yes? You must stop hanging your 169 00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:52,970 things to drip dry in the shower. 170 00:18:53,350 --> 00:18:56,030 Really? And whose is this? 171 00:18:58,410 --> 00:18:59,690 Where did you get that? 172 00:19:00,030 --> 00:19:01,430 Right where you left it. 173 00:19:01,670 --> 00:19:04,010 Oh, that's a lie. I never saw it before in my life. 174 00:19:04,270 --> 00:19:06,510 Then why did your mom throw your name tag in it? 175 00:19:12,260 --> 00:19:13,260 I'm the captain. 176 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:14,920 I have to look my best. 177 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:20,800 All right, Swit, I'm back. I'm kicking over. Oh, I'm so glad you're back. 178 00:19:21,180 --> 00:19:25,200 Oh, we missed you. I mean, well, no, this was really a lot of fun, but, oh, 179 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:26,200 belong here. 180 00:19:26,420 --> 00:19:31,460 Really? Oh, yes. Oh, whoa, Pigs in Space is nothing without you. Oh, Lorette. 181 00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:34,260 I'm so glad that Kermit rehired you. 182 00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:44,320 This is terrible. We've been invaded by a little green monster. 183 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:48,640 Of course we're not. We've got two first mate piggies. 184 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:53,760 Listen, listen, you either get off this stage or I throw you off. Yeah, you and 185 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,540 whose army? I don't need an army to throw you off this stage. 186 00:19:56,980 --> 00:20:00,720 Oh, now, 187 00:20:04,060 --> 00:20:07,380 Kermit, you know how important Miss Piggy is to the show. 188 00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:12,420 Well... And Miss Piggy. Oh, Miss Piggy, you know you wouldn't be happy anywhere 189 00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:13,420 else. 190 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:21,040 Oh, so... Come on, now. Let's sing a nice, warm, 191 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,540 lovely together song. 192 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,820 I hate sappy songs like that. 193 00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:29,720 All right, then. Why don't you two just kiss and make up? 194 00:20:31,420 --> 00:20:33,060 Well, let's sing the sappy song. 195 00:20:34,820 --> 00:20:36,420 You don't make it easy, Spock. 196 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:39,780 Isn't it warm? 197 00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,500 Isn't it cozy? 198 00:20:43,140 --> 00:20:46,020 Side by side. 199 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:47,880 By side. 200 00:20:48,060 --> 00:20:50,320 Horse in a storm. 201 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:52,980 Comfy and cozy. 202 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:56,020 Side by side. 203 00:20:56,780 --> 00:20:57,960 By side. 204 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,480 Everything shines. 205 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:03,220 How sweet. 206 00:21:03,580 --> 00:21:06,100 Side by side. 207 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,140 By side. 208 00:21:14,380 --> 00:21:18,460 Side by side. By side. 209 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,240 Everyone winks. 210 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:26,120 Nobody's nosy. Side by side. 211 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:07,480 how much we missed her. Kermit, go ahead. Well, what would we do without 212 00:22:07,620 --> 00:22:12,240 Huh? What would we do without you? 213 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:16,060 How would we ever get through? 214 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:23,960 Who would I complain to for hours? Who would bring me the flowers when I have 215 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:24,960 the flu? 216 00:22:37,420 --> 00:22:39,820 keep us occupied when we want to sleep. 217 00:22:40,380 --> 00:22:42,960 How would we ever get through? 218 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,680 What would we do without you? 219 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:51,540 Okay, everybody, one more time, just for a minute, Biggie, huh? 220 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:04,140 She's funny as she remains calm when everybody around her is going Thank 221 00:24:04,140 --> 00:24:12,120 you 222 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:17,580 Thank You Kermit. Oh, you know, I hope nobody out there believes that I was 223 00:24:17,580 --> 00:24:22,180 really trying to take over for Miss Piggy Oh, no, no, no, because you know 224 00:24:22,180 --> 00:24:26,100 a great actress and a great star has developed a role It's impossible for 225 00:24:26,100 --> 00:24:28,000 another actress to fill her shoes 226 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:34,700 Funny, the shoes don't fit. 227 00:24:36,620 --> 00:24:38,580 We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show. 228 00:25:16,179 --> 00:25:17,179 South Dakota. 229 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:21,500 South Dakota has nothing to do with this show. That's what I want. Nothing to do 230 00:25:21,500 --> 00:25:22,500 with this show. 17485