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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,370 --> 00:00:05,950 Muppet Show with our special guest, Armis Fuller -Stiller. 2 00:00:16,670 --> 00:00:18,450 It's time to play the music. 3 00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:20,350 It's time to light the light. 4 00:00:20,750 --> 00:00:23,730 It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight. 5 00:00:24,910 --> 00:00:26,630 It's time to put on makeup. 6 00:00:26,950 --> 00:00:28,610 It's time to dress up right. 7 00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:32,049 It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight. 8 00:00:34,990 --> 00:00:39,070 Hey, did you hear the one about the kangaroo who walked into a store and 9 00:00:39,070 --> 00:00:43,070 hippopotamus comes out and says to the kangaroo, Hey, what's the thing here? 10 00:00:43,270 --> 00:00:48,170 Introduce our guest star. That's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me 11 00:00:48,170 --> 00:00:52,110 happy to introduce to you Miss Phyllis Diller. 12 00:00:59,290 --> 00:01:01,370 But now let's get things started. 13 00:01:19,150 --> 00:01:21,270 Ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Muppet Show. 14 00:01:21,490 --> 00:01:25,670 We've got a really terrific show for you tonight with our super extra special 15 00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:27,770 guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller. 16 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:34,330 Now, to get things started, we... Excuse me, there seems to be a frog on the 17 00:01:34,330 --> 00:01:37,290 stage. There is supposed to be a frog on the stage. 18 00:01:38,070 --> 00:01:42,120 There's supposed to be a bear... in the dressing room. Oh, well, you see, I 19 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:46,440 think you just worked too hard, Frog of My Heart, so I thought I would introduce 20 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,440 the show this week. 21 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:49,980 Okay, fine. You introduce the show, and I will pull the rope. 22 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:52,440 The rope? 23 00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:53,500 What rope? 24 00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:55,640 Uh, the rope for the trap door. 25 00:01:57,060 --> 00:01:58,060 The trap door! 26 00:02:00,580 --> 00:02:04,020 Now let's get things started on The Muppet Show with some Mississippi mud. 27 00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:25,300 Thank you. 28 00:02:59,710 --> 00:03:00,710 Bravo! 29 00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:06,770 Oh, bravo! 30 00:03:06,850 --> 00:03:08,350 Wonderful! Just wonderful! 31 00:03:08,950 --> 00:03:11,670 How would you know? You're not even facing the stage. 32 00:03:12,710 --> 00:03:16,350 Why did you have to tell me I was having such a good time? 33 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:26,640 Good number. Great number. Hey, hey, who forgot to wipe their feet? 34 00:03:26,860 --> 00:03:28,620 I thought I told you guys to wipe your feet. 35 00:03:28,940 --> 00:03:32,500 Oh, that Miss Diller, she is so wonderful. 36 00:03:33,020 --> 00:03:34,220 Oh, nice lady, huh? 37 00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:37,980 Oh, yes, Scooter, and so young -looking. 38 00:03:38,620 --> 00:03:44,160 Scooter, just between you and me, do you suppose Miss Diller has had her face 39 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:49,360 raised? Oh, you mean lifted? Oh, sure, yes. She jokes about it all the time. 40 00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:50,460 that's wonderful. 41 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:55,260 A person should stay young. and dynamic as long as possible. 42 00:03:56,440 --> 00:04:00,760 Maybe I should consider that. After all, I am 35. 43 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,400 Hey, is it possible Hilda's 35? 44 00:04:07,660 --> 00:04:09,040 Only around the waist. 45 00:04:11,980 --> 00:04:16,940 And now, a lady so wonderfully nutty that she makes the great Gonzo seem like 46 00:04:16,940 --> 00:04:17,940 Sir Lawrence Olivier. 47 00:04:18,380 --> 00:04:21,320 Here she is, the zaniest of them all, the one and only... 48 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,080 Hey there, sailor. You new in town? 49 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,200 Do you make it a habit of annoying beautiful women? 50 00:04:45,740 --> 00:04:48,840 Yes, but since there's none around, I'll go ahead and annoy you. 51 00:04:49,660 --> 00:04:51,040 Why are you hounding me? 52 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:53,860 I'm a hound. What should I do, people you? 53 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,440 Cut the comedy. I'm depressed. 54 00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:58,140 Oh, I'm sorry. 55 00:04:58,360 --> 00:04:59,760 Hey, let me buy you a drink. 56 00:04:59,980 --> 00:05:01,080 I don't drink with strangers. 57 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:04,320 I'm Phyllis. 58 00:05:04,540 --> 00:05:05,540 I'm Ralph. 59 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,780 I'll have a triple cream soda on the rocks. 60 00:05:09,580 --> 00:05:10,720 Say, you are depressed. 61 00:05:11,540 --> 00:05:12,540 Oh, miss? 62 00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:15,840 Uh, miss, two triple cream sodas on the rocks. 63 00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:19,580 Now, what's wrong? 64 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,260 It's just that I'm such a loser. 65 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,400 Um, I know what you mean. I am, too. 66 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:30,020 Do you know, someone gave me a beautiful white mink stole. Within a month, I had 67 00:05:30,020 --> 00:05:31,360 developed black dandruff. 68 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,100 Oh, oh, that is depressing. 69 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:39,530 But did you know that my fleas have started wearing dog collars just to get 70 00:05:39,530 --> 00:05:40,530 of me? 71 00:05:41,330 --> 00:05:45,570 Oh, I know the feeling. I was in the backyard singing, twinkle, twinkle, 72 00:05:45,570 --> 00:05:47,410 star. It fell on me. 73 00:05:48,490 --> 00:05:51,350 I went to a taffy pool. The taffy won. 74 00:05:52,430 --> 00:05:56,330 I swear if I bought a new hat, they'd cancel Easter. 75 00:05:58,590 --> 00:05:59,930 Oh, you think that's bad? 76 00:06:00,270 --> 00:06:04,210 Listen, I went to Hollywood and fell in love with a movie star, Lassie. 77 00:06:05,070 --> 00:06:07,470 She left me for France as the talking mule. 78 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:14,950 I bought one of those expensive new cars that goes from zero to 60 in three 79 00:06:14,950 --> 00:06:16,510 hours and 27 minutes. 80 00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:21,390 I had to put it in low to get off a wad of gum. 81 00:06:23,310 --> 00:06:27,370 You think that's bad? The first three months of my life, there was a newspaper 82 00:06:27,370 --> 00:06:28,370 strike. 83 00:06:31,790 --> 00:06:36,600 Okay, I was... it to the beauty parlor, and the lady at the desk said, Madam, we 84 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,240 do repairs, not reclamation. 85 00:06:40,820 --> 00:06:45,000 So then I asked the hairdresser what I should use on my hair. He said, a mask. 86 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:52,960 But you see, I was born ugly. I have home movies of my folks leaving the 87 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,800 hospital with sacks over their heads. 88 00:06:57,180 --> 00:06:59,780 My father asked the doctor, is it a boy or a girl? 89 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,040 He said, no. 90 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,160 I'm just a born loser. 91 00:07:08,740 --> 00:07:09,740 Oh, maybe. 92 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,860 But you don't know what it's like to live life as a dog. 93 00:07:13,820 --> 00:07:15,020 Don't be so sure, fella. 94 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,720 Listen, I gotta go now. Hey, wait a minute. What's wrong? 95 00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:25,060 I'm having too good a time. A girl just can't be miserable in this dump. 96 00:07:26,220 --> 00:07:29,820 You should stick around, Phyllis, while you and me could be rotten together. 97 00:07:40,810 --> 00:07:44,390 Fantastic. What a performer she is. What's her secret? 98 00:07:44,610 --> 00:07:46,170 What's her magic? What's her name? 99 00:07:46,610 --> 00:07:48,190 You've forgotten, too, huh? 100 00:07:48,630 --> 00:07:52,110 Whoever she is, she's every bit as funny as Phyllis Diller. 101 00:07:52,410 --> 00:07:53,410 Who is? 102 00:07:53,550 --> 00:07:54,550 I forget. 103 00:07:55,070 --> 00:07:56,070 Oh, 104 00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:58,210 good. 105 00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:05,150 Nobody is around. 106 00:08:05,430 --> 00:08:08,830 Time for old Hilda to become young. 107 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,860 even recognize their old wardrobe mistress. 108 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:27,480 Hi, Hilda. 109 00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:31,280 The opening number costumes are downstairs. Would you bring them up 110 00:08:31,340 --> 00:08:32,339 please? 111 00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:36,059 And then again, I could be wrong. 112 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,640 Here's a Muppet news flag. 113 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:45,400 Dateline, Mobile, Alabama. 114 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:50,500 Mrs. Beverly Shepard has made aviation history in this southern city. Last 115 00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:52,120 Mrs. Shepard made a pair of wings. 116 00:08:52,650 --> 00:08:55,430 strapped them to her body, and flew to Dallas, Texas. 117 00:08:56,030 --> 00:08:58,590 Here she is, direct from Texas, to tell us the details. 118 00:09:01,570 --> 00:09:03,650 Gosh, am I really on TV? 119 00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:07,910 Yes, Mrs. Shepard, you are. Now, can you tell us the details of this astounding 120 00:09:07,910 --> 00:09:11,350 accomplishment? Well, it was so astounding. It was so easy. 121 00:09:11,850 --> 00:09:16,270 I just made my wings out of aluminum, and I covered them with chicken 122 00:09:16,350 --> 00:09:18,950 and then I fitted them with straps for my arms. 123 00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:20,210 Yes, yes, go on. 124 00:09:21,230 --> 00:09:23,630 went out to the airport and bought her a plane for Dallas. 125 00:09:26,150 --> 00:09:27,290 What's the big deal? 126 00:09:28,330 --> 00:09:29,850 I'm sure I have no idea. 127 00:09:40,170 --> 00:09:43,490 Oh, I'm so crazy about you, I can't see straight. 128 00:09:43,710 --> 00:09:46,870 Oh, I'm so goofy about you, I can't eat. 129 00:09:47,070 --> 00:09:50,790 Oh, I'm so much in love with you, I can't even sleep. 130 00:09:51,150 --> 00:09:52,350 Well, what should we do? 131 00:09:52,890 --> 00:09:55,610 Well, I... Check into a hospital, man. 132 00:10:00,030 --> 00:10:01,790 Finally good to get out of that box. 133 00:10:02,190 --> 00:10:03,190 Yeah, pay attention. 134 00:10:03,390 --> 00:10:04,390 I'm leading. 135 00:10:05,410 --> 00:10:07,050 One, two, three, dip. 136 00:10:14,050 --> 00:10:15,970 That's what I don't like about him. 137 00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:19,890 What? He's always blowing his own horn. 138 00:10:23,020 --> 00:10:25,400 Wasn't that garlic you had for dinner hot? 139 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:26,720 Are you kidding? 140 00:10:51,790 --> 00:10:56,530 Oh, lazy bone, sleeping in the sun. 141 00:10:57,830 --> 00:11:01,910 I expect to get your day's work done. 142 00:11:03,810 --> 00:11:06,010 Never get your day's work done. 143 00:11:09,390 --> 00:11:11,930 Sleeping in the noonday sun. 144 00:11:15,090 --> 00:11:18,970 Lazy bone, sleeping in the shade. 145 00:11:20,590 --> 00:11:24,510 I expect to get your cornmeal made. 146 00:11:26,150 --> 00:11:28,130 Never get your cornmeal made. 147 00:11:30,450 --> 00:11:34,350 When you sleep ahead, they eat change. 148 00:11:58,700 --> 00:12:01,700 Oh, I say, lazy bones. 149 00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:09,960 Loafing through the day. How you expect to make a dime that way? 150 00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:14,480 You're going to never make a dime that way. 151 00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:19,840 Never heard a word I said. 152 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:22,600 Yeah. 153 00:12:33,710 --> 00:12:34,710 Well, hello. 154 00:12:34,910 --> 00:12:35,910 Hey, hey, hey. 155 00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:39,910 Kermit said I could chat with you because, well, we're both comedians, you 156 00:12:39,910 --> 00:12:43,030 and frankly, I think you are the funniest person alive. 157 00:12:43,390 --> 00:12:47,930 Yeah. Thank you. I was wondering if you could give me a few tips on comedy, hmm? 158 00:12:48,210 --> 00:12:51,030 Why, that's so nice of you, Fonzie. Of course I'll give you a few tips. 159 00:12:51,530 --> 00:12:52,850 Ah, ah, ah. 160 00:12:53,110 --> 00:12:56,170 Of course I'll give you a few tips. That's so funny. 161 00:12:56,490 --> 00:12:57,830 Wait, wait. I love it. 162 00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:02,060 The first tip, don't laugh before I tell the joke. 163 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,680 Oh, this isn't going to be easy. 164 00:13:06,140 --> 00:13:07,039 Okay, okay, okay. 165 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:10,200 I'll tell you what we need. Topics. Now, here's a topic. Topics. Bang is so 166 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:14,400 cheap, his idea of a deodorant is to scotch tape a pine cone under each 167 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:18,560 That's a husband joke. 168 00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:20,160 I can't do that joke. 169 00:13:20,660 --> 00:13:22,200 Why? I don't have a husband. 170 00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:23,540 Well, then what? 171 00:13:23,780 --> 00:13:24,780 No, no vice. 172 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,560 Well, make one up. They don't care. 173 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,400 What? 174 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,620 I couldn't do that. I couldn't lie to the audience. 175 00:13:32,820 --> 00:13:35,680 They loved me. I loved them. I couldn't lie to the audience. 176 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,200 Well, you just did. 177 00:13:37,380 --> 00:13:38,380 You told him you're a comedian. 178 00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:44,960 Now, looky here. We've got to find you a topic. 179 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:46,640 Okay, topic. 180 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:47,960 Okay, 181 00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:49,260 you must live somewhere. 182 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,280 Yeah, I got this small apartment. 183 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:56,780 Terrific. Small apartment joke. I live in an apartment so small, the mice are 184 00:13:56,780 --> 00:13:57,780 hunchbacks. 185 00:14:03,180 --> 00:14:05,480 No, I got a mouse, but he's not Hunchback. 186 00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:07,180 He's got the gout. 187 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:12,720 Oh, wait, wait. I understand now. Wait. Oh, I see. Okay, here we go. You got it. 188 00:14:12,780 --> 00:14:13,780 Here we go, yeah. 189 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:17,860 I live in an apartment so small, my mouse has the gout. 190 00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:21,279 That's funny. 191 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:22,280 It's funny. 192 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:23,520 It is funny. 193 00:14:24,380 --> 00:14:25,380 Oh, please laugh. 194 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:29,360 Please. 195 00:14:30,180 --> 00:14:30,999 Fozzie, baby. 196 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:35,190 What? You're just going to have to learn to lie. Oh, but why, Phyllis? I'll tell 197 00:14:35,190 --> 00:14:35,929 you why. 198 00:14:35,930 --> 00:14:40,030 So in case you don't make it as a comedian, at least you can go into 199 00:15:45,270 --> 00:15:46,710 Hug. Bug. 200 00:15:47,510 --> 00:15:49,650 Buggy. Buggy. Mugger. Mugger. 201 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:52,820 on and my name's not Shine. 202 00:17:53,820 --> 00:17:56,100 He calls me an old fool. 203 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:01,720 Well, 204 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:09,040 this time Miss Diller has given me some beauty hints. 205 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,960 Now everybody will notice the change. 206 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:16,820 Hilda, Hilda, it is great. The change is wonderful. 207 00:18:19,590 --> 00:18:23,150 Oh, sure, yeah. Those dressing room towels have been dirty for a week. It's 208 00:18:23,150 --> 00:18:24,470 wonderful that you changed them. 209 00:18:26,410 --> 00:18:29,570 This means all out war. 210 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:37,290 Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. 211 00:18:37,630 --> 00:18:41,590 Well, excitement is running high here at the labs because today is the day we 212 00:18:41,590 --> 00:18:44,390 introduce our new line of exploding hats. 213 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,360 Isn't that cunning, folks? 214 00:18:55,680 --> 00:19:01,940 And, of course, for those who want the daring double -barreled effect, 215 00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:02,940 earmuffs. 216 00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:05,580 Well, 217 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:10,520 there you have it. These are the perfect companions to the perennial favorite, 218 00:19:10,740 --> 00:19:13,300 the Muppet self -destruct necktie. 219 00:19:14,980 --> 00:19:19,360 So, that's all for now from Muppet. 220 00:19:26,220 --> 00:19:28,180 Pocket camera. Takes great pictures. 221 00:19:28,420 --> 00:19:29,079 See there? 222 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:32,460 What are these pictures of? Pockets. 223 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:42,460 And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of an orthopedic 224 00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:44,900 surgeon who has gone to the dogs. 225 00:19:52,940 --> 00:19:53,559 is ready. 226 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,620 Yes, yes. I was just tending to an emergency. 227 00:19:55,940 --> 00:19:58,920 A musician at the symphony just fell through his heart. 228 00:19:59,140 --> 00:20:00,520 Oh, where is he now? 229 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,780 In rooms 9, 10, 11, and 12. 230 00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:06,500 Okay, where's the next patient? 231 00:20:06,740 --> 00:20:08,120 Uh, he's right here, Dr. Bob. 232 00:20:08,460 --> 00:20:10,380 Oh, little fellow, isn't he? 233 00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:15,440 This is no patient. It's a loaf of bread. The very thick one. 234 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:18,740 It's talking bread. 235 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,420 Dr. Bob, what do you make of it? 236 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:22,760 What else? 237 00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:28,950 Dr. Bob has discovered edible patience. 238 00:20:30,550 --> 00:20:35,170 Tune in next week when you will hear Nurse Janice say... Dr. 239 00:20:35,490 --> 00:20:37,890 Bob, should I prepare the anesthetic? 240 00:20:38,190 --> 00:20:40,270 No, just stand by with the marmalade. 241 00:20:43,770 --> 00:20:44,770 Gee, 242 00:20:47,090 --> 00:20:48,630 who is that? She is beautiful. 243 00:20:49,110 --> 00:20:50,830 Excuse me, miss, can I help you? 244 00:21:01,130 --> 00:21:02,130 Why, you're beautiful. 245 00:21:03,110 --> 00:21:04,110 Thank you. 246 00:21:04,190 --> 00:21:05,790 But you're so slim. 247 00:21:05,990 --> 00:21:07,030 How do you do that? 248 00:21:07,870 --> 00:21:11,250 Very tight foundation garments. 249 00:21:12,090 --> 00:21:15,290 Oh, Hilda, I just want you to know that I think it's wonderful that you want to 250 00:21:15,290 --> 00:21:22,210 look your best and just... Oh, darn, my girdle had a 251 00:21:22,210 --> 00:21:27,230 blowout. Oh, that's okay, Hilda. We love you like you are anyhow. 252 00:21:29,210 --> 00:21:30,210 Well... 253 00:21:31,590 --> 00:21:33,470 just what she used to be. 254 00:21:35,410 --> 00:21:40,710 And now featuring in concert with our own Muppet Orchestra, Miss Phyllis 255 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,600 Well, that's just about it for another show. We'd like to thank our special 256 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,000 guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller. 257 00:24:01,580 --> 00:24:07,800 Oh, you're welcome, you're welcome, Phyllis. Would you do me a favor? 258 00:24:08,060 --> 00:24:09,840 For you, for you, I would do anything. 259 00:24:10,260 --> 00:24:12,840 Oh, how nice. Would you stand over there on the other side of me? 260 00:24:13,220 --> 00:24:16,320 Uh, stand over here? Right over there. Sure. Yes. Is this okay? 261 00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:17,499 That's just perfect. 262 00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:21,220 Hmm. Okay, well, friends, as I say, it's to the end of the show now, so thank 263 00:24:21,220 --> 00:24:23,260 you for joining us, and join us next time on the... 264 00:25:07,630 --> 00:25:08,630 Loaded. 19505