All language subtitles for The Muppet Show s01e16 Kaye Ballard

It's the Muppet Show with our special
guest star, Miss Kay Ballard.

It's time to play the music. It's time
to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the
Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the
Muppet Show tonight.

Have you heard the one about this very
fat pig?

Have you heard the one about this very
flat bear?

To introduce our guest stars, that's
what I'm here to do. So it really

makes me happy to introduce to you, Miss
Kay Bowers.

But now let's get things started.

Thank you, thank you, and welcome again
to the Muppet Show. And our special

guest star tonight is one of the
funniest ladies in the business and one

nicest, Miss Kay Ballard.

So we think it's going to be a great
show tonight, and if you stick around,

think you'll agree.

But right now, let's get things moving
on to Muppet Show.

Two, three, in the summertime when all
the trees and leaves are green and the

redbird sings, I'll be blue because you
don't want my love.

Some other time, that's what you say
when I want you. Then you laugh at me

make me cry because you don't want my
love.

You don't seem to...

Once upon a time, you used to smile and
wave to me and walk with me, but now you

don't because you don't want me.

Now you don't have time for me because
you don't want my love.

You don't seem to care a thing about me.
You'd rather live without me than to

have arms around you when nights are
cold and you're so all alone.

In the summertime when all the trees and
leaves are green and the red birds sing

jobby blue.

orchestra pit. Sorry, man. I'm ankling.

Ankling? Yeah, ankling. You know,
leaving. I've come to the coda.

I'm using the door marked exit.

Like a banana in the presence of ice
cream, I intend to split.

But Floyd, you can't just leave us.

Listen, Kermit, you're a nice little
dude in your own amphibian way, but I

can't take it anymore.

But what's the matter?

It's the theme song.

The theme?

Kermit, you are talking to Floyd Pepper,
the hippest of the hip. I mean, I have

a room for life at the home for the
chronically groovy.

And every week I have to come in here
and play...

It's

embarrassingly square.

And I don't play square.

Yeah, but Floyd, none of the other
musicians have complained.

Drag City.

Yeah, we're going to beat feet.

Yeah. Hey, Animal, you like the theme,
don't you? Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, no. No, no.

I'm a copacetic.

Hey, but wait a minute, Floyd. What
about Kay Ballard's big number?

Hey, hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

The dude's right.

Yeah, we can't walk out on Kay Ballard's
number.

Good. We'll walk out after Kay Ballard's
number.

A stay of execution.

I must remember to thank the warden.

Right now, gang, it's time to meet a
star who knows her way around a song

know my way around a lily pad.

a hope or half a chance to even ask if I
could dance with you.

Would you meet me or politely turn away?

Would there suddenly be sunshine on

I'm about to walk with you along the
Milky Way to caress

you through the nighttime with new
flowers every day.

Me too.

And if I could only hear you say you do.

what Kay Ballard all night.

I tried it once, but she pulled the
shade down.

You dirty old man.

Okay, Green Stuff, me and the guys
stayed through the Kay Ballard number,

now before it's time for that awful
theme song, we're leaving.

Wait a minute. Hey, Kay's got another
number.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe we'll stay for that.

Oh, good. Listen, I'm asking you, just
stay through to the end of the show so

you can play the theme.

That does it.

We're leaving.

Hey, but wait a minute, wait a minute.
Listen, if you do, next week we'll have

new theme.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we'll stay then.

Good, because your noble conductor,
Nigel, here, has offered to write a new

theme. We're leaving.

But why?

He wrote the first one, man.

Hey, but guys, come on, please.

I always thought it was kind of a hip
tune.

In Boston, Massachusetts, Mrs. Gretchen
Powers of that city is trying to enter

the Guinness Book of Records by
completing the world's longest sentence.

She began talking six weeks ago, and
neighbors say she hasn't stopped since.

Muppet cameras are in her home now. Mrs.
Powers.

And the dog fell over the nose of the
tree, went into the spaghetti factory

while six young men marched in their
foghorns under a double -decker bus

onion soup spoke of undermining... Mrs.
Powers, if we could interrupt for a

moment. But for the grace of the noodle
pie, go I, said the spokesman, for the

group who wore turtleneck convertible as
the rain fell for the first time... The

sentence you're saying is wrong, but I'm
missing the point of it. ...in what was

said not the fault of the blueberry
bush, but instead when the investigators

arrived at the corset factory... Mrs.
Powers' husband, Carl, said it makes

as much sense as... anything she said,
he said this from his home at the

clinging vine home for the crazed.

My

family

has quite a history. You can find a
record of them in the 17th century.

Ah, so is my family. You can find a
record of them in the 19th precinct.

Why is it that everything we discuss you
reduce to the level of the gutter?

I just want to make you feel
comfortable.

So I said to him, what kind of a girl do
you think I am? I told him I never

wanted to see him again.

Never, never, never.

Do you think I did the right thing,
Herman?

I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.

Is that Italian?

No, it's pig Latin.

Pig Latin.

Well,

the sun comes up and the sun goes down.

The hands on the clock keep moving
around.

I'll just get up, and it's time to sit
down.

Life gets tedious, don't it?

My shoe's untied, but, oh, I don't care.

Ain't figuring on going nowhere.

Oh, I just have to wash and comb my
hair, and that's just wasted effort.

Mouse is chewing on the pantry door.

He's been at it for a month or more.

When he gets through, he'll sure be
sore.

Because there ain't a darn thing in
there.

Tin roof leaks and the chimney leans.

There's a hole in the seat of my old
blue jeans.

And I've had up the last of the pork and
beans.

Just can't depend on nothing.

Hound dog howling so forlorn. He's the
laziest dog that ever was born.

He's howling because he's sitting on a
thorn and he's just too tired to move

over.

Sun comes up and the sun goes down.

Hands on the clock keep moving around.

I just get up.

She just don't live.

How you doing, puddin' head?

Hey, Kay, I hope you're enjoying
yourself here today. Oh, yes, I'm loving

Everything is just great, Kermit. Oh,
good. Well, you know, we are having some

trouble here.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the band is threatening to quit.
Oh.

To tell you the truth, Kay, sometimes I
don't think I understand musicians.

Well, I'll tell you what, Kermit, you
know, maybe I can help because I'm a bit

of a musician myself.

Well, you know, Kay, if you could help
smooth things over, I'd really

it. Well, I'd like to try.

Animal! Come here, I'd like to talk to
you a minute.

Now listen.

Why are you guys so unhappy?

No kidding.

He's got a point.

I'm willing to say you have a point.

Kermit. Yeah.

Animal feels a deep -seated hostility.
Am I right so far? Deep -seated.

In what he interprets as a demeaning
situation, right?

DK,

you do understand musicians, don't you?
Well, I try.

Mm -hmm.

I'll try to fix it.

Animal, I have been giving it serious
consideration. I honestly, personally, I

don't think that... I

think it's good.

Animal,

please control yourself. Wait a minute.
You've got to understand that I am just

visiting here.

Now, I really feel you should discuss
this further with Kermit. I want to be

honest.

else I can help you with?

How are you at notifying next of kin?

Just tell me the area code.

Hi. Howdy.

I'd like a haircut.

I can believe that.

Cut it real short.

Rock grip just broke up and I'm sick of
it.

Check.

Cut it short.

Top, bottom, and middle.

Mm -hmm.

All righty.

Yeah, I have the feeling this is a
running gag.

Yes, but it's the audience that should
be doing the running.

Well, you sure are slow.

Yeah.

All in due time.

By the way, who cut your hair? The
gardener?

Well, there you go, sir. That'll be $3.

Oh, rats.

I think I've just lost a customer.

Okay, thank you, George. You don't mind
cleaning it up, do you, huh?

Great. Appreciate it.

Hey, my friendly froggy little flipper
fin.

Yeah? Me and the gang have decided not
to end our gig here.

Oh, good.

If... Uh -uh. If what? If I can write
the new theme song.

Ah. Oh, that'll be fine with me.

No, it won't, man.

Why not?

You hate my music. You don't understand
it.

Well, now listen here. I'm pretty hip,
too, you know. Not hip enough.

Nobody understands my music. I mean, I
don't even understand it. You don't?

If I didn't know I was a genius, I
wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

I can hardly wait to hear it.

I ought to get myself together.

Just insert coin in the slot, step up to
the machine, and within moments, your

facelift will be complete.

Oh, yes! I'll do it! I'll do it!

We stay. If you don't, it's auld lang
syne time.

I am sure I will love it. Go.

It's called Fugue for Frog.

See? I already love that part.

Good, because you'll hate to rest.

play Kay Ballard's closing number from
back here.

Like always, loudly.

Frog has no musical taste.

Once again, Miss Kay Ballard.

This is just a little summer.

Built upon a single note.

All the notes are bound to follow.

But the root is still that note.

Now the new one is the consequence.

As the one we've just been through.

As I'm bound to be the unavoidable
consequence of you.

There's so many people who can talk. You
have used up all

the skill you know and at the end you've
come to nothing.

So I come back to my first note As I
must come back to you I will pour

into that one note All the love I've
been for

Well, that's about all the time we have.

Yeah, me and the band want Miss Ballard
to sign this petition about the theme

song of the show.

Will you guys get out of here?

Okay, we're ankling. Come on.

Well,

having settled that, I'd like a warm
thank you to our special guest star,

Kay Ballard. Yay!

I love you.

I really do. I love all of you.

Wait a minute, I take that back. There's
one exception. I'm not too sure about

Miss Piggy because I think she's very
honky.

Honky!

Nigel, this does sound a little square.

Play hound, play.