All language subtitles for The Muppet Show s01e12 Bruce Forsyth

It's the Muppet Show with our special
guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsythe.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the
Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the
Muppet Show tonight.

Question. If a man born in Poland is a
pole, is a man born in Holland a hole?

Thank you, buddy.

To introduce our guest star, that's what
I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you Mr. Bruce
Forsythe.

But now let's get... Thank you. Thank
you.

And if I sound a little British tonight,
it's because our special guest star is

one of England's truly great performers,
Mr. Bruce Forsythe. He sings, dances,

plays the piano, tells jokes. In fact,
he's a one -man variety show, and we're

really pleased he's with us. But right
now, let's kick things off with a new

musical group we call the Snurfs.

The Snurfs?

Well, I've seen everything.

Good. Can we leave?

Okay, nice number. Nice number, Snark.
Way to go.

Mm -hmm. Oh, Kermit. Yeah? I finally got
the punchline down for the act tonight.

Want to hear it?

Uh, okay.

Good.

Quack!

Uh, fine, fine. But, uh, keep working on
it, okay?

Oh, sure, Toad. Thanks a lot. You know,
put me down like everybody else. Yeah,

that's right.

Bitter or dark?

Oh, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, I am
really going to get him tonight.

Get who?

Oh, Stanton and Waldorf. You know those
two old guys who sit in a box and heckle

me every night? Well, tonight I am ready
for him. Yeah, I can handle any insult,

any of them. Hey, hey.

Just try it, okay?

Let's see.

You be the audience, and I'll tell a
joke, and then you insult me, and then

watch my razor -sharp wit at work. Okay?
You ready, huh? I know. Good. Okay.

Here we go.

I wouldn't say my wife can't cook, but
last night, she burned the water.

Boo! Boo! That's terrible! Terrible! Get
off the stage! You are the worst!

Oh, please don't happen here.

Fonzie, is this an example of your razor
-like wit?

Could still use a little sharpening.

When it comes to song and dance, men,
it's pretty hard to top our special

So let's give a warm Muppet Show welcome
to Mr. Bruce Forsythe!

Got my tweed press.

Got my best vest.

All I need now is the girl.

Got my stripes tight.

Got my hopes high.

Got the time and the place and I got
rhythm. All I need's the girl to go with

him. If she'll just appear, we'll take
this big bird.

I must have taken those pills.

It'll go away in a minute.

Whatever it is, it's a real one.

I hope it's not a female.

Yes, I didn't see you there. I'm sorry.

I'm doing my song and dance number.
Would you mind waiting over there,

Over there, in the corner.

Over here. Let me show you. Let me show
you. That's fine.

That's it. Okay.

Trust me, trust me.

I'll be gentle with you.

No, no.

Bring the feet. Bring the feet. I think
the tail will follow. Bring the feet.

That's it. Good. Left, right.

Right, left. That's it. Good. That's
fine. Now, could we just sort of twist

round now? There you go.

That's it. Now, back off, will you? Back
off. That's it. Left hand down a bit.

Left up. As you were. Off you go. Off
you go, then.

There you go. That's fine.

You see, I'm just going to do my song
-and -dance number. It's the only thing

I've got in the whole show.

Worthwhile.

I've never seen anything... It is a
female.

Well, there aren't many performers that
could hold a candle to Bruce Forsythe.

Of course not. They'd burn him.

Saddler, you must be the old fool
there's no fool like.

Hey, Kermit, Kermit, this time I have
really got it. I have really mastered

art of handling hecklers.

Oh, you think so, huh? Yeah, I know so.
I know so.

Okay, I tell you what.

You tell a joke, and I will heckle you.
Great.

But, Fozzie, I expect a great comeback.

Right.

My cousin's so dumb, he thinks Eggs
Benedict is a mafia gangster.

I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than
that.

What do you think? Too subtle?

Would you like to come to my place for
dinner tomorrow night?

Maybe. What are you fixing?

Well, do you like duckling?

I don't know.

I never duckled.

Do you know what happened in 1776?

No, baby, but there's a great party in
1342.

I'm really into American history.

Oh? Mm -hmm.

Washington, Jefferson, Revere.

Oh, do you like Franklin?

Well, I don't know. I've never Frankled.

Do you mind if I light up?

Why, no.

Many, many years ago

when I was 23, I was married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown -up daughter who
had hair of red. My father fell in love

with her, and soon they two were wed.

This made my dad my son -in -law and
changed my very life, for my daughter

my mother, cause she was my father's
wife. To complicate the matter, even

it brought me joy, I soon became the
father of a bouncing baby boy. My little

baby then became a brother -in -law to
dad, and so became my uncle, though it

made me very sad.

For if it was my uncle, then that also
made him brother of the widow's grown

daughter, who, of course, was my
stepmother. Oh, I'm my old grandpa.

I'm my old grandpa.

It's not funny, I know, but it really is
so.

Oh, I'm my old grandpa.

Father, his wife, and had a son who kept
them on the run. And he became my

grandchild, for he was my daughter's
son.

My wife is now my mother's mother, and
it makes me blue.

Because although she is my wife, she's
my grandmother, too.

Oh, if my wife is my grandmother, then
I'm her grandchild. And every time I

think of it, it nearly drives me wild.
For now I have become the strangest case

you ever saw.

As husband of my grandmother, I am my
own grandpa.

It's how funny I know, but it really is
so.

Oh, I'm my own grandpa.

Well, Bruce, welcome to our show. Well,
it's very nice to be here, Kermit,

although, of course, it is a little
strange.

Strange? Yeah, well, it isn't like any
other show on television. I mean, I'll

buy the fact that you're a frog who can
talk.

Well, there's nothing strange about
that.

And I'll even buy the chicken who shares
my dressing room.

No, but she's not for sale. I beg your
pardon? No, the chicken's not for sale.

Oh. I mean, I wouldn't mind selling her,
but her husband plays in the band.

No, you misunderstand me, you see. I
don't actually want to buy a chicken.

Oh, I see.

Mind you, I wouldn't mind leasing a
duck.

I can let you have a duck right here. I
can give you a good rental deal on this

duck. Oh, it's not a bad -looking duck.

Oh, it's a great little duck. I mean, it
was last owned by a little old lady who

only used it as a decoy during the
hunting season. Really?

Well, how much to rent this duck for a
month?

For one month, this duck will cost you a
pig and two rabbits. A pig and two

rabbits? Yes. Hold on a minute, will
you? Yeah, one pig.

There we are. And I'm fresh out of
rabbits.

Have you got change of a rat?

Oh, sure, I can. Let's have a look back
there. Oh, good. That's fine. Okay,

well, that's fair. Okay, is that a deal?

Mind the legs.

Okay, wonderful doing business with you,
Bruce. Love to do business with you as

well. Okay, let's go, guys. Come on,
come on, come on. Off you go.

Fine, fine.

You see, it is strange here.

Any other show on television charges at
least two pigs a month for a good duck.

I wish I had a good -looking bird.

Two pigs for one lousy duck?

This is an outrage to all portums.

I really missed it, Miss Piggy. I was
only joking. I wasn't having a go at

Yeah, well, have a go at this.

Hurry up!

That

Miss

Piggy takes umbrage at the slightest
annoyance.

I usually take aspirin. Maybe I'll try
some umbrage.

Same to you and more of it.

Fonzie, I know you're worried about your
act tonight.

Oh, boy, am I? I really want to get the
best of those two old hecklers, Kermit.

Well, I can guarantee you that Statler
and Waldorf will not heckle you tonight.

But they always heckle me. Every show
they heckle me. Well, why not tonight?

Well, the show's running long and your
act's been cut.

Now, hear that? Hear that?

Yes, honey. Don't move. Just stay right
there.

But why?

So you can break my fall when I faint.

Do it. You faint.

Once again, it is my distinct pleasure
to introduce to you those two solid

citizens of song, Wayne and Wanda.

Decent, decent people.

I think that I shall never see a poem

lovely as a tree.

Oh, Kermit, now you've got to let me do
my big act in the show, please.

Yeah, but listen, Fonzie, this is just
one week.

Oh, but Kermit, in this type of show,
people expect a stand -up comic.

Yes, and we got one.

Oh, oh, then I am going on after all.
No, Bruce Forsythe is.

Tilda!

You, you fool.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we
thought we'd give Fozzie Bear a rest.

you're not giving him a rest, you're
giving us a rest.

Yeah. Okay, be that as it may,
substituting for Fozzie tonight is our

guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsythe!

Thank you so much, thank you, and may I
say you look a wonderful audience.

Don't be too sure, we haven't heard your
jokes yet.

Sir, you're old enough to have heard my
jokes, Bob Hope's jokes, and Milton

Berle's. In fact, if you've heard Milton
Berle's jokes, you've heard everybody's

jokes.

Same old stuff.

We want new blood.

Yeah, well, you certainly look as though
you could use some. Why don't you go to

the blood bank and cash an artery?

Good, good stuff.

Yeah, that works better.

I'm sure you have, sir. You know, in
fact, at your age, you're lucky you can

hear at all.

Only kidding, only kidding. You've
probably got a great sense of humor. In

I know you have. I saw your wife
outside.

Oh, he's burying me. He's burying me.

All right, but you know, one thing I
like about our two countries at the

is we do have this cultural exchange
going on. I mean, we send you lots of

drama shows like Upstairs, Downstairs,
The Six Wives of Henry VIII, The Forsyth

Saga, and by the way, I thought Eric
Porter played my life brilliantly.

I was going to play the part myself, but
they said I wasn't the type.

And then, of course, you send us your
drama shows like Columbo, Starsky and

Hutch, Policewoman, and not Shakespeare,
perhaps, but just as violent.

And by the way, thank you for Kojak.
He's made such a big hit in our country,

and he's such a sportsman. He goes to
Scotland, plays golf, and he's also a

ten -pin bowler. Got the head for it.

But he gets very annoyed at the bowling
alley because people keep sticking their

fingers up his nose.

He's got to be a split.

Anyway, all right, we don't need to talk
about him. Let's get back to me. Ladies

and gentlemen, I'm sure... Please,

please call me Bruce.

Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only
Fozzie Bear.

Hooray!

Yeah, St. Kevin's is only one.

Oh, see those guys up there? The minute
I come out, they start up. They start

up. They do, they do.

See the box they're in? Yeah. I may
decide to bury them together.

Oh, boy, see how he handles them, see?

I was watching you. The wings over
there?

Yeah, well, why don't you flap them and
fly out of here?

Tall, tall.

Look, you can handle those two. Well...
All you need is a bit of pacing, a bit

of timing. Yeah? The right retort, the
right line. Well, he couldn't throw a

line to a drowning man.

Do you mind?

We work alone.

That is, unless we work together.

A little soft posse. Go for the jugular
vein. There, go right in. Right there.

Okay.

Uh, uh, oh, oh. Uh, hey, is that a suit
you're wearing?

It's a nice one, yeah. But won't your
wife notice the hole in the living room

rug?

That's good. Now you're rolling. Go in
for the kill. Go in for the kill.

Hey, that son knows he got that, Buster.
Why don't you rent yourself out as an

anteater?

I like it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You call that a head? I've seen better
heads than cabbages.

Don't want to lose your audience.

You call that an audience? It looks more
like an oil painting.

You've got him, Bellini. You've got him.
Got him? Who wants him? Who wants him?

Oh, no. Enough.

Enough. We surrender.

We surrender.

No more. No more. You did it, Fozzie. I
did it, Bruce.

I did it. Oh, I did it. I did it.

Oh, this is the happiest moment of my
life. Oh, just learning from a pro like

you. Working side by side with one of
the great... You even learned how to cue

the big musical finish of a comedy film.

You did?

Yeah? Yeah.

All right.

Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money.

Maybe we're ragged and... But we travel
alone.

Singing a song. Thank you, Mr. Forsythe.
It's my pleasure, Mr. Bear.

Hey! Travel along, singing a song.

And now, Veterinarian's Hospital. The
continuing story of an orthopedic

who's gone to the door.

Well, Dr. Bob, here's your next patient.

Well, what have we here? Another sick
chicken?

I'm not a chicken. I'm a duck.

Shall we prepare for surgery on the
chicken?

Duck! What was that? I don't know.

Somebody yelled duck.

Well, let's get back to the chicken.

I don't understand what's going on
around here.

Duck! Oh, no, I'm not going to fall for
another one of those.

So Dr.

Bob has received a serious blow.

Tune in next week when you will hear Dr.

Bob say to his patient,

Well, what kind of doctor do you think I
am?

I should know better than to ask a
chicken.

Let

there

be you.

Let there be me.

Let there be oysters under the sea.

Let there be wind and occasional rain.

Chili con conning.

Sparkling champagne.

Small ones, huh? Yes, that thing in the
trees. I don't want that big one back.

Someone to bless me whenever I sneeze.

Bless you, piggy.

Let there be cuckoo, a lark and a dove,

but most of all, please...

Let there be cuckoo A lark and a

dove But most of all, please Let

there be love

special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsythe!

Thank you, thank you. It's been a
pleasure to be on this television show.

And Kermit, you're a wonderful MC.

Yeah, but he's an MC squared.

He's so dumb, he thinks Veronica Lake is
a body of water.

Please, Fozzie, a little humility?

Yeah, if you want to be working next
week. Oh, next week? Oh, please forgive

Frog, please!

This show brought a tear to my eye
really yeah, I'm sitting on a tack