All language subtitles for The Muppet Show s01e11 Candice Bergen

It's the Muppet Show with our special
guest star, Ms. Candace Berger. Woo!

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the
Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on a
buffet girl tonight.

Hey, question.

What has a thousand legs but can't walk?

Five hundred pairs of pants.

To introduce our guest star, that's what
I'm here to do. And it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Miss Candace
Bergen.

But now let's get things started on the

Muppet

Show.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hey,
Floyd, we have a show for you tonight.

special guest star is the beautiful Miss
Candice Bergen.

And she's not just another pretty face
besides being an actress. She's a top

photographer, a writer, a world
traveler, what you'd call a well

person. You can say that again.

Woo -woo! Woo -woo!

Listen, you clowns, we're not going to
have any of those male chauvinist pig

jokes while Miss Fergan is out here.

I'm tired of any kind of pig joke.

Uh, Piggy, what are you doing out here?

Oh, a car, my dear.

You know, every... Every time we have a
beautiful girl on the show, you forget

about me.

Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on
the show, Piggy, and I might forget

about you.

He tried so desperately to hide his love
for me.

You promised I was going to open the
show this week, flipper face.

Piggy, my love, my life. Never mind that
jazz.

Listen, turkey, me.

Bergen said I should stand up for my
rights.

Either I open the show or Ms.

Bergen and I walk.

Okay, okay. You can open the show,
Piggy.

You get to open the show.

Oh, what a surprise.

Oh, thank you, my love.

Kissy, kissy.

Never let it be said that the frog is a
pig.

So, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Ms.

Piggy and her rendition of What Now, My
Love.

What now, my love, now that you've

left me, how can I live through

another day, watching my dreams

turning to ash?

And my home in filth of clay.

Once I could see.

Once I could feel.

Now I am numb. I've become unreal.

I walk the north without a goal.

Straight from my heart, straight from my
soul.

Of course I am.

Wire for you.

Cute. Cute bit.

Oh, I love a good running gag.

There's a great little down -home
-country -style -sittin' -by -the -fire

-whittlin' -and -fiddlin' song called
Put Another Log on the Fire.

Here now is that song, and here, too, is
tonight's very special guest star, Miss

Candace Bergen.

Put another log on the fire.

Cook me up some bacon and some beans.

And go out to the car and change the
tire.

Wash my socks and sew my old blue jeans.

Come on, baby, you can fill my pipe and
then go fetch my slippers.

And boil me up another pot of tea.

And put another log on the fire.

Come on, tell me why you're leaving me.

Now, don't I let you wash the car on
Sunday?

Don't I warn you when you're getting
fat?

Ain't it going to take you fishing with
me someday?

Well, a man can't love a woman more than
that.

And ain't I always nice to your kid
sister?

Don't I take a drive on every night?

So sit here at my feet, cause I like you
and your sweet, and you know it ain't

feminine to bite.

So put another log on the fire, cook me
up some bacon

and some beans, and go out to the...

Wiped my socks and stole my old blue
jeep Come on, baby, you get filled up

And then go catch my silver And bar me
up another

Letter for coming to frog.

Letter for coming to frog.

Letter for... Oh, are you coming to
frog?

You know I am, fuzzy.

Letter for you.

Letter.

Funny.

Funny.

Someday I'm going to get him. I don't
know how, but I'm going to get him.

It's not a bad joke, though.

Oh, a letter for Scooter the Gopher.
Letter for Scooter the Gopher.

What's that? Are you Scooter the Gopher?
Well, you know I am, too. Well, there's

a letter on the desk here for you. Well,
sorry, I'll have to read it later. You

see, I'm really busy getting stuff for
Miss Bergen. See ya.

I was the teacher's pet.

What's the matter? Couldn't you afford a
dog?

If the Queen of England was free
tomorrow night, would you take her to

Sure, babe, of course I would. Well, she
can make it, so how about me?

You know, you dance like Rogers.

Oh, Ginger Rogers?

No, Roy Rogers.

Mildred, would you mind if I popped the
question?

Oh, why, of course not, George.

Thanks.

Oh,

shut up.

Time once again, friends, time once
again to raise the intellectual level of

program, and our subject tonight is Does
Travel Broaden the Mind? Our panel

tonight consists of Mildred Hochstetter,
M -A -B -A -D -A -N -D -U -M -B.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Miss Piggy, noted shantoozy and black
belt holder.

Gifty, gifty.

Sam the Eagle, our resident grouch.
Let's move it along, frog.

And our special guest panelist, Miss
Clara Cartwell, well -known travel agent

and author of the best -selling book,
Europe on $5 ,000 a Day. No, no, no.

called Europe on $50 a Day. The book
itself, however, costs $5 ,000.

And probably well worth it, too. Oh,
yes, yes. Pictures and everything, I

Oh, yes, the works.

Okay, but let's get back to our subject,
which is, does travel broaden the mind?

Miss Cardwell. Well, as I write in my
new book, Nowhere or Nothing a Day,

traveling is the most broadening
experience possible.

Well, Piggy here hasn't traveled at all,
and she's broader than any of us.

Watch it, needlemaker. You won't be on
the panel. You'll be under.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, please.

Control yourselves.

Control yourselves. Let me apologize for
those weirdos.

I, myself, am a world traveler.

Is that right? Where have you been?

Persia.

I bought a rug there.

Well, I'm glad you're not wearing it. I
like bald eagles.

No, not that kind of rug.

Yes, okay. Well, I think we're getting
away from the subject, which was, does

travel broaden the mind?

Ah, well, absolutely, no doubt about it.
For example, I had a friend who never

went anywhere, lived in the same town
for over 30 years. She was so

unsophisticated, she thought Marcello
Mastroianni was an Italian soup.

You mean it isn't an Italian soup?

And he calls himself a world traveler?

Now wait, I have been to restaurants
where I've ordered Marcello Mastroianni

I've gotten it.

Really, what did you get?

A swarthy, good -looking man sitting in
a bowl.

I always send him back.

What do you get when you order a Russian
dressing?

Rudolph Nureyev putting on his tights?

I fail to see the humor in that.

Oh, I love it. Breakfast balloon, honey.

It's so perfect.

Speaking of balloons, either let some
air out or go on a diet.

Oh, no.

I'll knock you out of the beer in a
second. Okay, okay.

We have a special guest with us. You
better put your best face forward.

Whose face is Porker here going to
borrow?

Stop it. Why?

I'm sorry about that, Miss Cartwell. Oh,
no. It's been very broadening, I think.

Do you really like me without my rug?

Are you busy later? No, but I could wing
out somewhere.

Well, join us next week when our topic
will be air pollution, a modern myth.

It's not where you start.

It's where you finish.

It's not how you go.

It's how you land.

A hundred to one shot.

They call him a klutz.

Can outrun the favorite. All he needs is
the guts.

Your final return will not diminish.

And you can be the cream of the crop.

It's not where you start.

It's where you finish.

And I'm going to finish. Ralph, hey,
Ralph, listen. Kermit says you sang the

song too quick. You're going to have to
sing it again, but you only have a

minute, okay?

All right.

Here we go.

It's not where you start. It's where you
finish.

It's not how you go. It's how you land.

A hundred to one shot, take him a
clutch.

Can outrun the favorite, all he needs is
a gut. How am I doing? The final return

will not diminish.

And you can be the cream of the crop.

It's not where you start, it's where you
finish.

And I'm gonna finish... Hey, Ralph,
Ralph, listen, it's my uncle's favorite

song. He says he'd like to hear it one
more time, but you only have 20 seconds.

All right, hit it!

Yeah, it's not where you start, it's
where you finish.

It's not how you go, it's how you land.
That's 15 seconds. It's a one -shot,

they call him a klutz. You know, I'm on
the favorite, all he needs is a gut. 10

seconds. Your final return will not
diminish.

And you can dream of a drop.

It's not where you start, it's where you
finish. And I'm gonna finish on time.

Nearly.

Cheese.

Right on? Yeah. Mm -hmm.

Um, Kermit, do you think you could do
something a little more candid?

Uh, sure. Uh, let's see.

How's that?

Well,

it's not exactly candid, Kermit, if you
know what I mean.

Oh, okay, yes.

Candid for Candace.

Frog in repose.

What I was thinking was something a
little more natural.

More natural.

Let's see what we got there.

Make sure you get my good side, though.

Well, which side is the good side? I
think it's this side. It might be this

over here.

Or maybe... I don't know. What do you
think? Well, I think that head -on. Why

don't we try one head -on? Just make it
all like that. Okay, yeah.

Although my profile has been compared to
Barrymore.

Yeah.

Ethel Barrymore.

Sweetums, if you don't mind, Candace is
trying to take my picture.

Oh, yeah?

Is that a good camera there?

Yeah. That's a terrific camera.

This is an 85 -210 macro zoom lens with
the finest Swiss optics. This is a great

camera.

I don't know. I've tasted better.

Kermit, he ate my camera.

You're lucky.

Last week he ate the guest.

It's cute.

It's a cute child.

Thank you.

Thank

you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Look at that face.

Just look at it. Look at that fabulous
face of yours.

And you, first look at it.

This was a face that the world adored.

Look at those eyes, as wide and as deep
as the sea.

Look at that nose. It shows what a nose
should be.

smile. It's lyrical, friendly, and warm
as a summer's day.

That fate is just a miracle.

Where could I ever find words to say the
way that it

makes me happy?

Whatever the time or place, I'll find in
no book what

I find when I look at that

Interesting. Rather definitive, yes?

Of course, why not?

Inspired, but by what?

The way that it makes me happy Whatever
this

time of life

Does not look like her. I told you to
paint her.

Oh, thank you.

What a fan.

Notes for Kermit the

Frog. Notes for Kermit the Frog.

Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?

Yes, Fonzie, I am Kermit the Frog.

Notes for you.

G -sharp.

Will you guys cut that out?

By knee.

By knee. I like it.

Time now for Veterinarian's Hospital,
the continuing story of an orthopedic

surgeon who's gone to the door.

Now, what's the next case?

He's right here, Dr. Bob.

Of course. What's this man here for?

A stomachache, Dr. Bob.

Stomachache. Check.

There now, that should ache for some
time.

He's also here for a sore throat.

Easy. Wait!

I've got a sore throat. I want it to go
away.

Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

Open up your mouth.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh. Oh -ho!

I'll see the problem immediately.

What is it, Dr. Bob? This man has a frog
in his throat. Are you certain?

Positive.

Very funny. Just see if this dumb doctor
sketch ever gets on the show again.

And so Dr.

Bob has found a patient with a case of
ingrown TV show host.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr.

Bob say, Oh, let's clean up around here.
This operating room is a mess.

That's nothing. You should see it in
here.

Oh, watch this. Have I got a topper for
my running gag tonight?

Oh, it is too much.

Okay, watch.

A flower for Kermit the Frog. Flower for
Kermit the Frog.

Oh,

are you Kermit the Frog?

You know I am, Fuzzy.

Flower for you.

That's a joke.

Yeah, and that was the punch.

No, Fozzie, this is the punch.

And

I

am all alone.

There is no one here beside me.

And my problems have all gone.

There is no one to divide me.

I'm here.

Because you have to have friends, you
see, Gonzo.

The feeling's oh so strong, yet you've
got to have friends.

They'll last that whole day long.

I had some friends, but they're gone.

I said something come took them away
from dust to dust.

Standing at the end of the road, guys
Waiting for your new friend to come

our special guest star, Miss Candace
Bagans. Woo!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks, Fozzie. I had a terrific time.

It's just that I'm a little worried that
maybe Kermit's upset with you. You know

what I mean? Oh, no, no, no, no. He
loves running gags. Oh, yeah. A pie for

Fozzie the Bear. A pie for Fozzie the
Bear.

Are you Fozzie the Bear?

No.

Good. I got a pie for you anyway.

I think I ought to see a doctor.

Well, why do you say that?

I'm beginning to like the show.