All language subtitles for The Muppet Show s01e10 Valerie Harper

It's the Muppet Show with our special
guest star, Miss Valerie Harper.

It's time to play the music. It's time
to light the lights.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the
Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the
Muppet Show tonight.

Did you know that if Tuesday Weld
married Frederick March's grandson,

Tuesday March the 2nd?

To introduce our guest star, that's what
I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Miss Valerie
Harper!

But now let's get things started on the
motivation.

Would you clean up this backstage? This
whole place is a mess.

Of course it's a mess. With all these
Muppets exploding around here, every

I turn around, there's somebody blowing
his top.

George, that is a slight exaggeration,
isn't it?

I guess it's all in my mind.

Welcome to the Muppet Show.

Oh, we're so glad that you can come and
be with us. Oh, me too, Kermit. You

know, I'm not filming Rhoda this week. I
got a hiatus.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Did you get
out lifting something?

Oh, no. Maybe you should see a doctor.

That means that we're on vacation.

And, well, you see, I'm a total Muppet
freak.

Everyone in this joint is a freak.

See what I mean?

George, this is Valerie Harper.

She's on hiatus.

I'm George, a janitor.

I'm on vitamin E.

Move it.

You have to forgive George there.

You were saying, Valerie? Yes, I was
hoping that you might let me do a big

opening number on the show.

Oh, well, we had planned to open a show
with Bertha Beasley and her galloping

geese. Yes. But actually, Bertha isn't
here yet, and the show's about to start.

She won't be here, Kermit.

What? I scotch -taped a bushel of bird
seed to her body.

Even as we speak, geese are pecking her
into oblivion.

Wow, you are some determined lady. I
certainly am, Kermit.

Look, I can do it if you just give me
the chance.

Kermit, television is great, but I gotta
get back on those boards.

You know what it's like, a live
audience?

Smell of the grease paint, the roar of
the crowd.

At least let me audition for you, will
you?

Sure, I'm going in.

just a broadway baby walking off my
tired feet

pounded 42nd street to be in a show oh

vote dodie over broadway baby learning
how to

sing and dance waiting for that one big
chance to be in a show

love to be on a marquee all to winkling
lights a spark to

pierce the dark from battery park way up
to washington heights

someday maybe all my dreams will

be repaid heck i'd even play the maid to
be in a show

producer.

Kermit, I'm talking to you, sir.

I don't need a lot.

Only what I got.

Plus a tube of grease and a falling
spot.

Someday, maybe, if I stick it long
enough,

I may get to strut my stuff.

Yeah. Working.

great. You were just wonderful, Valerie.
I tell you, you're going out on that

stage a star, but you're going to be
coming back a chorus girl.

I'm not sure that's what I had in mind.

Yeah, what a beautiful performer.

Yeah, what a beautiful woman.

You know, Waldorf, I think I'll go
backstage and meet her.

Why, you old fool, she wouldn't have
anything to do with you.

Besides, I was thinking of going
backstage.

You! You're old enough to be her
grandfather.

You geriatric joker. We'll settle this.
We'll flip for her. Okay.

One, two, three.

You win.

Ha ha ha!

... ...

...

... ...

And, Chief, one of those hecklers from
the box is back here, and he says he

wants to speak to Miss Harper.

Oh, for goodness sake. I've got a show
to do. I can't have every Tom, Dick, and

Harry coming back here.

Hi, Tom. Hi, Dick. Hi, Harry.

Of course, there are exceptions.

Where is Miss Harper?

I demand to see her.

I will not be denied.

Well, wow, one of our hecklers has
turned into a stage door Johnny.

Miss Harper is up in her dressing room
there rehearsing her lines.

Well, I've been rehearsing my lines,
too, for when I meet her. How's this?

Hiya, toots. You're some kind of hot
-looking tomato.

That's a very old line.

Well, I'm a very old man.

Hey, listen, stage door Johnnies are
supposed to bring roses. What is that

thing? Oh, roses are ordinary.

This is a very special plant for a very
special lady.

It's an African berry bush.

Grows at a rate of three feet an hour.
Unless it rains. Then it grows faster.

Well, I suggest that you bury your berry
bush and bug out of here, buster.

That's nice alliteration, huh?

Hey, I'll have you know I've dated and
wined and dined some of the finest

performers on the legitimate stage.

Hayes, Langtree, Barrymore.

Wait a minute. You dated Ethel
Barrymore?

No, Lionel.

Nothing was busy that night. To tell you
the truth, we didn't dance much either.

Will you get out of here?

No, I'll sit over here with my bush.

I have a feeling this is going to be one
of those shows.

Here's a Muppet News flag.

Dateline, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Doctors in Milwaukee have reported a
phenomenon never before witnessed in

medical animals.

Mr. Gus Klinger, a steam fitter, has
over a three -month period turned into a

rug.

Here is his wife, Mrs. Klinger, to
explain what happened.

Well, it all started as a simple case of
shag pile on the belly, but then

gradually it spread until he is now a
nine -by -twelve carpet with fringe. I

just going to have to sue for divorce,
that's all.

Why is that, Mrs. Klinger?

because he does not match the drape.

Okay, now it is with great pleasure and
no little concern that I present my dear

friend Ralph with an original poem
written, directed, and conceived by

sort of a tour de force, which is French
for blow your own horn.

So let's bring him on with a great big
hand.

I've titled this original poem, The
butterfly.

I saw a butterfly, one beautiful morn,
flitting silently on the dew -covered

lawn. And I thought to myself, how
wonderful it would be if only we could

millions of these covering the
mountains, the plains, and the seas.

I held out my hand and motioned it to
land.

And as it did, I looked for another
butterfly with which to mate it.

I couldn't find one, so I sat down and
ate it.

It was only a joke. I'm just kidding.

Yeah, Stanley would have loved that one.

But I hated it.

Okay, let's move that butterfly. Move
it, move it, move it.

Well,

at least you're better than that bear.

Not much, but... Hey, what are you doing
here?

Well, if it's any of your business,
janitor man, I'm waiting for Miss

Looks like your plant could use some
water.

No, no, you fool.

Oh, no.

This is an African berry bush.

It grows at an enormous rate. It will
grow and grow and eat everything in

It bears a striking resemblance to my
brother -in -law.

Honesty is the best policy.

Oh, positively.

Well, you are a terrible dancer.

Well, a crack like that in your best
policy will be an insurance policy.

You better be careful. There's a bat
coming your way.

Oh, that's all right. My uncle was a
vampire.

So what do I do here?

Oh, Sam, you just play the part of the
bird.

I mean, it's not written for an eagle,
but... What is this? Cultural.

Oh, yeah. This is light opera. Gilbert
and Sullivan.

Begin.

On a tree by the river, a little tomtit
sang... This

is your part, Sam.

Willow, tit, willow, tit, willow.

And I said to him... Dickie Bird.

That's you, Sam. You play the part.

Why do you sit singing Dickie Bird?

Willow, Ted Willow, Ted Willow.

Is it weakness of intellect?

Birdie, I cried.

Not meaning you. Or a rather tough worm
in your little inside.

With a shake of his poor little head, he
replied,

Willow, tick, willow, tick, willow.

Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that
my name isn't

Willow, tick, willow, tick, willow.

That was blinded affection that made him
exclaim, You want to do this?

Willow, tick, willow, tick, willow.

And if you remain callous and obdurate,
I... What's obdurate?

I don't know.

...shall perish as he did, and you will
know why.

Though I probably shall not exclaim as I
die.

This is the last one, Sam.

Willow.

Kit Willow.

Kit Willow.

Why are they laughing?

Gonna fight.

getting a chance to meet Miss Harper
backstage just because he could do a

But I bet he can't do this.

Hey, sometimes I tickle myself.

In fact, I think I'll tickle myself now.

Stadler, you've got to do something
about this crazy plan of yours.

Now, hold it right there. I know my
rights.

Section 3, paragraph 4.

Peter Gore's manual, any member of the
audience has the right to... Oh, don't

give me that hogwash.

What'd you say? I said don't give me
that hogwash. All right, I was going to

wash the hogs, but if you don't want the
hogwash, I'll just dump it here.

No, no, no!

my comb. Do you know where I can get a
new one?

Oh, haven't you met Bernie, our new
makeup man?

No, I guess I haven't. Oh, uh, Bernie!

Bernie! Uh, Bernie, Miss Harper needs a
comb, Bernie.

Oh, hiya, Miss Harper.

Hiya, Bernie.

I'll get you a comb in just a minute. In
the meantime, have an egg.

Hilda, don't tell me...

You want a punchline.

This is a punchline.

On

stage

for the next sketch, please.

Oh, Kermit.

Kermit, I cannot do my monologue.

How come?

Because the tree ate my cue card.

Kermit, one of these days I'm going to
get you for this. Well, you could have

avoided it. I would have avoided all
this if you had let me meet Miss Harper

when I asked. The only person you're
going to meet back here is Tarzan.

I hope he's a good dancer.

Once again, the happy harmonies, the
melodious melodies, the warm warblings

Wayne and Wanda.

Please do it for me or somebody.

I'm not clear.

I am so pleased that you're going to
allow me to do a big dance number to

the show.

Oh, listen, it's my pleasure. Hey, but I
think I should warn you. You're going

to be doing this with our chorus line,
and they're known as the Claude Hoppers.

That's perfect.

It's been so long since I've danced,
I'll fit right in. I'll be a perfect

Claude.

Oh, no, no, don't worry. I'm going to
give it my best shot.

Oh, you're a trooper, Valerie.

I'll go out there and introduce you,
okay?

Okay.

Hang in there, gang.

This could be the start of a new career.

Or the end of one.

Okay. And now, once again, ladies and
gentlemen, Miss Valerie Harper with the

Clodhoppers.

If there's a wrong way to say it, a
wrong way to play it, nobody does it

me.

If there's a wrong way to do it, a right
way to mess it up, nobody does it

like me.

Oh.

Oh.

If there's a wrong way to keep it cool,
a right way to be a fool.

Like me.

Let's thank our special guest star, Miss
Valerie Harper.

Good.

I can't tell you how great it's been
being with you, if very unusual.

Excuse me, Miss Harper.

My name is Stadler. For heaven's sake,
Stadler.

I was wanting to meet you all evening.

I wanted to give you this little present
and ask you if you'd join me for a

steak dinner later on. Wait a second.

Didn't that plant grow into a great big
bush, or was that my imagination?

Yeah.

is its firstborn.

Thank you very much, Sattler. It's
lovely.

But I can't join you for dinner. You
see, I'm a vegetarian.

Of course, I could always eat the plant.

Yeah, before it eats you.

Okay, well, good night, Valerie. Good
night, everybody. We'll see you all next

time on The Muppet Show.

I was practicing my flip.