All language subtitles for The Muppet Show s01e08 Peter Ustinov

the Muppet Show with our special guest
star, Mr. Peter Ustinov, huh?

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the
Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

The little problems in life drive me
crazy.

Like, what do you send to a sick
florist?

To introduce our guest star, that's what
I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Mr. Peter
Ustinov!

Now let's get started.

Thank

you,

thank you, and hello dear friends and
welcome to this. potpourri of mirth and

madness we call The Muppet Show.

Hey, we're especially excited around
here tonight because our guest star is

Peter Ustinov.

He is a man for all seasons, an actor, a
director, a writer, plus being a great

raconteur.

That's French for tennis player, I
think.

Anyway, we're also fortunate in having
with us an offshoot of the world -famous

Boston Pops Orchestra, just the wind
section.

But I think it's going to be a thrill
for us all, so let's open the show with

evening at the Pops.

They say music hath charm to soothe a
savage beast.

Such is not the case here, however.

Get him.

Get him.

Okay,

okay. Good bit. Good bit. Good ending.
Sorry about the head.

Oh, Kermit. Oh, my heart. It's going
pitter -patter, pitter -patter.

Yeah, well, maybe you've had too much
coffee.

It's going pitter -patter over the man
I've admired and loved for years, and

to be this close to him.

Piggy, I've told you, I don't have any
time in my life for any emotional

involvement right now.

No, I'm talking about Peter Houston.

Oh, well.

He is a renaissance man.

Oh, well, I am a leg man.

It's time now to introduce your new
heartthrob.

Josie, thy name is Frog.

Okay, right now, friends, I'd like you
to meet our guest star, the one and only

Mr. Peter Ustinov.

Well, you know, it's a pleasure for me
to be with you tonight.

It's my first experience in performing
with the...

performers other than people, if you
follow me.

Oh, yeah, well, it takes some getting
used to, I guess, but we've worked with

humans before, so just relax, take it
easy, and don't sit on any of your

performers. Well, I'll try not to, but I
was going to sit down on my dressing

room chair, you know, and it walked
away.

Oh, well, that was a Muppet. See, that
chair is married to the show's writer.

Who's the writer?

The hat rat.

This show was written by a hat rat?

Oh, yeah.

It's extraordinary.

Well, you see, anything can be a Muppet.
In fact, in this next sketch, you are

going to be a Muppet. I'm going to be a
Muppet? Mm -hmm.

Trust me. Just stand by for a big
showbiz -style introduction, okay?

Oh, it's delightful.

A hat rack.

Mm -hmm.

Incredible.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to
witness one of the wonders of modern

science as envisioned by the incredible
Mr. Peter Ustinov. We take you now to

Muppet Labs.

Hello, I'm Dr.

Bunsen Honeydew. And here at Muppet
Labs, we think we have finally made a

scientific breakthrough in the field of
international statesmanship.

So it is with incalculable pride that I
give you the new robot politician.

Yes, this electronic politician will end
corruption in government forever. And

furthermore, it is absolutely
international.

For instance, the robot politician would
make an excellent British Prime

Minister. Watch.

Although the skies are dark and the road
ahead is

steep, yet with perseverance we can,
nay, we

shall prevail.

Thank you. And on the other hand, with
equal ease, he could be an American

president.

And I tell you, my friends, this is the
greatest country in the world.

Stand ready to forge ahead.

Bring peace to the world.

Affluence to all nations.

Enough of that. How about a Russian
premier?

The Russian people...

will not rub this salt agreement into
the wounds.

All

the

people of the Republic of China object
to the well -endowed tone of this small

stone. The Middle East bloc must stand
firm in the belief...

Well, back to the drawing board.

Hey,

masterful performance.

reminiscent of the late Rudolph Besser.

Rudolph Besser is dead?

No, he's late. He was supposed to be
here.

Statler, you always get me with that
same dumb joke.

Well, maybe it's not the joke that's
dumb. Did you catch my drift?

Oh,

where is he? Where is that tower of
talent?

Oh, Fozzie, you looking for me?

No, I'm looking for Peter Ustinov.

Oh, well, after that last sketch, he
ended up in the dressing room where he's

going over his lines.

Oh.

The actor prepares.

Yep. Oh, I tell you, Kermit, appearing
in a sketch with Peter Ustinov is the

highlight of my career.

I thought you said last week that
appearing with me in a sketch was the

highlight of your career.

I was wrong.

How can you compare yourself to him?

Easy. He puts on his pants just like me,
one leg at a time.

You don't wear any pants.

Okay, there you are. Let's see him get
away with that on television.

See, did you ever fall in love with a
guy at first sight?

But it always took a while.

You know, just once I'd like to stand
next to Queen Elizabeth.

Then I'd rather sit in with Count Basie.

I find that most people don't believe
what other people tell them.

I don't think that's true.

Hey, you want to stop by the punch bowl?

Why do they call it a punch bowl?

That's why.

And now, in my never -ending struggle to
uplift these proceedings, here are two

distinguished professors, Drs. Arnold
Newd and Frederick Nick, to discuss post

-DeCensian economics.

Yeah, okay, okay. Tell him the story.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give
me a break, will you? Okay, give me a

break.

To best explain post -Dykenson,
whatever.

Whatever. Economics.

Let me tell you a little story.

Yeah, tell the story.

I'm trying. I am trying to tell him a
story.

Once upon a time, there was a man named
Benny. What

else? What else?

who was visited by his fairy godmother.
Fairy godmother? Fairy godmother. Yeah.

Now, Benny's fairy godmother promised
him that he would live forever

on a one condition, see, that he never,
never shave again.

Never shave.

Not some condition.

Now, Benny never shaved after that. And
you know what?

What, what, what?

He lived to be 175 years old.

No.

Now, one day, Benny met a beautiful
girl.

It happens to anyone.

Yeah. And he fell in what?

Nose. Yeah, furry brain. Nose.

And a beautiful girl asked Benny to
shave his beard off.

No. And when a furry godmother heard
that Benny had shaved... Yeah, yeah,

Why, she got Batman.

Batman.

She turned Benny into a Grecian Ein.
Yeah, yeah, and that only goes to

prove the economic theory.

A Benny saved is a Benny Ein.

He is quite a talented fellow, isn't he?
So appreciative.

So observant.

The frog observes. The frog appreciates.

I had just gone in to give him his
costume, and he looked at me, and he

Hilda, you have the most exquisite hem
stitch.

Is that so?

Imagine a big star like that noticing an
old costume lady like me.

Now, Hilda, you know, I am... many times
noted that your craftsmanship as a

seamstress is superb.

It is in fact flawless and you are a
wonder.

Oh, what does a frog know?

Somehow I feel my charisma is slipping
away.

You do something to me.

He'll never get me back to myself again.

Nobody else could do!

Here's a Muppet's new plan.

Copenhagen, Denmark. Dr. Felix Oglebom
says that after 30 years concentrated

research, he has discovered the cure for
the common cold.

Our Muppet cameras are on the scene, and
we'll speak with Dr. Oglebom about this

great medical breakthrough.

Dr. Oglebom.

Yes, here I am, Felix Oglebom, in
Copenhagen, Denmark.

Yes, Dr. Oglebom. Can you tell us about
this cure?

Yeah, of course.

It was right under our noses. Do you
believe that?

I'm so excited.

First, you stay away from sick people.

That's very important.

Then you wrap your head in a number 10
size brown paper bag.

and you pour honey over yourself and you
hold your breath for about an hour or

so, eh?

And this will cure the common cold?

Positively. And then again.

Yes, well, thank you very much, Dr.
Oglebom. Remember, friends, whenever big

news breaks, you certainly won't hear it
here.

Once again, it's inspiration time, and
goodness knows we need some.

So here they are, Wayne and Wanda.

The falling leaves drift

by.

the intellectual level of our program as
our panel discusses a topic of concern

to thinking people everywhere,
psychiatry.

And tonight's panel includes our own
Miss Piggy.

Kissy kissy.

Plus Cynthia Birdley. And Shandang.

And our own special guest is Dr. Kurt
Von Frong, who is a practicing

psychiatrist. Hello, Mommy.

So, you are a practicing psychiatrist,
Doctor?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

practicing? 35 years.

Oh, isn't it time you stopped practicing
and got on with it?

Cynthia, please, don't be ridiculous.

No, no, Mr.

Frog. It's all right.

Misunderstandings about psychiatry are
common.

You see, basically, it is a tool to help
us deal with frustrations.

Otherwise, we develop problems that
result in incompleteness. Oh, I know. My

mother lives in one.

Yes. On what?

A complex.

She lives downstairs, the Murphys live
upstairs. You should hear them fighting

all day. No, no, no. The doctor's
talking about the psychiatry. Don't

yourself, the Murphys.

Psychiatry has its own jargon. And only
when you know the meaning of the various

terms can you begin to understand.

Terms like conflict, sublimation,
migration, gestalt.

Gesundheit. Gesundheit.

Gesundheit. Yeah, yeah, of course. No,
no, no. See, the doctor's talking about

psychological terms.

Yes, yes, correct.

Now, Mr.

Kermit, when he was first used, you see,
by Sigmund, the father of

psychiatry, he was the first in his
field.

Of course, he didn't get any good at it
until he got an office, and he got out

of that field.

That's a trade joke.

Well, you better trade it for another
one.

It's all right, Mr.

Kermit Frog.

A good psychiatrist learns to find the
proper way to handle any situation.

You see, I think personally that the
Janosch theory of primal scream

therapy might work here. It's guaranteed
to get rid of all your problems.

I'd like to hear it. Me too.

So would I. Yes, you got it.

You are right down here.

No problems more.

It works every time. I believe that does
it for tonight's pseudoscientific

psychiatric segment discussion.

And I hope you tune in next week when,
with luck, I won't be there.

What are you looking for?

My contact lens.

Oh, here it is.

Sorry. He's in his dressing room. I know
him personally.

Hey, Kermit, I was wondering, could you
get me Peter Ustinov's autograph?

He's one of your favorites, huh?

Oh, not one of them. He is my favorite.

Last week, I was your favorite.

Well, we grow, Kermit. We progress.

I just saw him in that last sketch.

I was on the floor.

That's a lousy place to watch a sketch
from.

I meant from laughter.

You see, when I grow up, I want to be
just like him.

Last week, you wanted to be just like
me.

I was wrong.

I'm in my formative years.

If you had a choice, which would you
choose?

Would you like to grow up and be an
international star, or would you like to

grow up and be a frog?

I'd turn green with envy if I weren't
already green.

I hope I didn't hurt his feelings.

It's not easy being green.

Having to spend each day the color of
the leaves.

When I think it might be nicer being red
or yellow or gold or

something much more colorful like that.

It's not easy being green.

Seems you blend in with so many other
ordinary things.

And people tend to pass you over because
you're not standing out like flashy

sparkles in the water or stars in the
sky.

But green... the color of spring and
green can be

cool and friendly like and

green can be big like a

mountain or important like a river or
tall like a tree

When green is all there is to be.

It could make you wonder why.

But why wonder?

Why wonder?

I'm green.

Little do fine.

It's beautiful.

And I think it's what I want to be.

That was it for this week, and I want to
thank our guest, Mr. Peter Ustinov, for

joining us. Peter, come on out here!

I've just been talking to your show's
writer. He's a man of many talents.

Isn't he, though? Yes, wears more than
one hat.

Hi, Peter. Hey, listen, it's been great
having you, although I must admit I've

been a little bit jealous.

You have?

I'm jealous of you.

I've always wanted to be a frog.

You're kidding.

How do you do that?

A very tight shirt collar.

Well, welcome to the wonderful world of
frogs.

Yeah, and we'll see you all next time on
The Muppet Show.

the level of television entertainment.

Well, they had no place to go but up.