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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,090 --> 00:00:11,410 Hi, I'm Brian Henson. 2 00:00:11,830 --> 00:00:15,950 This episode of The Muppet Show stars Rita Moreno. She's one of my all -time 3 00:00:15,950 --> 00:00:19,550 favorite guest stars. I just have to tell you that I have always been a 4 00:00:19,550 --> 00:00:22,250 nut. That I love all of you so much. 5 00:00:22,610 --> 00:00:29,410 It also was 6 00:00:29,410 --> 00:00:33,290 the first episode that featured the long -running, long -punning... 7 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:37,240 sketch Veterinarian's Hospital, which, by the way, is pretty much where Miss 8 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:38,460 Piggy got her start as well. 9 00:00:38,740 --> 00:00:41,300 You call yourself a doctor, Dr. Bob? 10 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:44,440 I'd never call myself a doctor. They don't come when you call them anyway. 11 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:50,480 Rita Moreno was the first performer to win an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy, and an 12 00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:54,920 Emmy. She won her Emmy as Best Performance by a Guest on a Comedy 13 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,340 for her appearance in this episode. 14 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,180 So here it is, The Muppet Show, starring Rita Moreno. 15 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:12,700 It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Miss Rita Moreno. 16 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:35,460 It's time to put on makeup. 17 00:01:35,780 --> 00:01:37,420 It's time to dress up right. 18 00:01:37,860 --> 00:01:39,720 It's time to get things started. 19 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:41,280 Why us? 20 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,880 It's time to get things started. 21 00:02:10,060 --> 00:02:13,080 unfortunately left their costumes at home because they forgot to pack their 22 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:14,080 trunks. 23 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:16,500 I gave him that joke. 24 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:18,300 I wish I gave it right back. 25 00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:21,940 But right now, let's get things moving with our special guest star, the 26 00:02:21,940 --> 00:02:24,240 beautiful, lovely, terrific, and talented... 27 00:05:27,370 --> 00:05:29,590 Great number, great number. Hey, would somebody help that guy up the stairs, 28 00:05:29,690 --> 00:05:32,790 please? She always does. She was, but was I good? 29 00:05:33,190 --> 00:05:35,830 Good. Piggy, honey, you're a rip snorter. 30 00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:39,710 Hey, Fozzie, can you get that? I get it, Kermit. 31 00:05:41,350 --> 00:05:43,090 Hello, Muppet Show backstage. 32 00:05:45,430 --> 00:05:46,430 Who was it? 33 00:05:47,230 --> 00:05:48,230 The water department. 34 00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:51,430 What the hell? 35 00:05:54,540 --> 00:06:00,960 And now, Veterinarians Hospital, the continuing story of a former orthopedic 36 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,440 surgeon who's gone to the dogs. 37 00:06:03,980 --> 00:06:07,840 I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bob. I was operating in the other room. 38 00:06:08,180 --> 00:06:09,800 I know. It's the talk of the hospital. 39 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:12,440 Boogie boogie. 40 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:15,260 Now cut that out. Let me have the ear thing. 41 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:16,500 Ear thing, Dr. Bob. 42 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:17,760 Oh, 43 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:19,719 feels good. 44 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:21,900 Stick. Stick, Dr. Bob. 45 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:23,560 Fetch. 46 00:06:25,290 --> 00:06:26,290 What's that all about? 47 00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:28,050 That's my laboratory retriever. 48 00:06:29,370 --> 00:06:30,370 Keep your eye on it. 49 00:06:30,610 --> 00:06:31,610 Thank you. 50 00:06:31,670 --> 00:06:33,370 Oh, what do you think, Dr. Bob? 51 00:06:33,630 --> 00:06:36,090 I think it's man is sick. You ought to see a doctor. 52 00:06:36,310 --> 00:06:38,630 But, Dr. Bob, you are a doctor. 53 00:06:38,850 --> 00:06:40,670 That's your opinion. I'm getting out of here. 54 00:06:41,390 --> 00:06:43,610 You can't leave Fuzzy. Dr. 55 00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:46,250 Bob is the only one who can save you now. 56 00:06:46,570 --> 00:06:49,670 She's right. I saved over 500 last year. What, patients? 57 00:06:49,950 --> 00:06:50,950 No, dollars. 58 00:06:51,850 --> 00:06:54,150 Of course, I also lost over 100 pounds. 59 00:06:54,350 --> 00:06:55,049 What, in weight? 60 00:06:55,050 --> 00:06:56,050 No, in England. 61 00:06:58,290 --> 00:07:03,950 Dr. Bob, you should be ashamed of yourself. You call yourself a doctor, 62 00:07:04,150 --> 00:07:07,050 I'd never call myself a doctor. They don't come when you call them anyway. 63 00:07:09,170 --> 00:07:14,790 Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say... Dr. Bob, you've lost all 64 00:07:14,790 --> 00:07:15,789 your patience. 65 00:07:15,790 --> 00:07:17,350 I can't help it. I've got a short temper. 66 00:07:18,130 --> 00:07:20,970 Good night, Bill, now. 67 00:07:22,890 --> 00:07:24,730 Okay, a little shanky, a little shanky, guys. 68 00:07:38,570 --> 00:07:40,410 Hello, backstage, the Muppet Show. 69 00:07:45,830 --> 00:07:47,530 Ozzie, who was it? 70 00:07:48,450 --> 00:07:49,510 The fire department. 71 00:07:50,890 --> 00:07:52,970 I think this is what they call a running gag. 72 00:07:57,330 --> 00:07:59,390 No, that's what they call a running gag. 73 00:08:00,970 --> 00:08:02,490 Here's a Muppet News Flash. 74 00:08:06,140 --> 00:08:12,420 Dateline Fresno. Mr. Thomas Galley spent the last 27 months teaching his pet 75 00:08:12,420 --> 00:08:13,960 chicken to dance classical ballet. 76 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:19,200 Last Saturday, the chicken passed her auditions and became a member of the 77 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,420 Copenhagen Ballet. 78 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:25,420 Unfortunately, Mrs. Galley didn't wish to move to Denmark, so she fricasseed 79 00:08:25,420 --> 00:08:26,420 ballerina for lunch. 80 00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:32,679 Speaking of lunch, I wonder what the Swedish chef has up his sleeve. 81 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,039 A summons from the Board of Health. 82 00:08:44,439 --> 00:08:47,140 There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn. 83 00:08:48,460 --> 00:08:49,460 There's the horn. 84 00:08:50,580 --> 00:08:53,020 There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn. 85 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,480 There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn. 86 00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,640 There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn. 87 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:01,540 the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn. 88 00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:05,540 There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn. 89 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,260 There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn. 90 00:09:10,580 --> 00:09:12,160 There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn. 91 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:12,260 the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn. There's the 92 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:12,260 horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn. There's the 93 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:12,879 there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn Boop! 94 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,280 Boop! 95 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,280 Boop! 96 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,240 Yeah, but a couple of what? 97 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:24,740 I hear you come from a broken home. 98 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,920 Yeah, I've broken myself. 99 00:10:27,420 --> 00:10:28,720 Two, three, dip. 100 00:10:29,580 --> 00:10:31,440 Dip. Dip. 101 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:38,860 Does one ever encounter sharks in these parts? 102 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,360 Oh, no, absolutely not. Never. 103 00:10:41,580 --> 00:10:42,720 Why do you ask? 104 00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:44,760 Just curious. 105 00:10:49,710 --> 00:10:52,290 that you shouldn't panic if you don't have a job. 106 00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:55,470 That's easy for him to say. He's got a job. 107 00:11:02,070 --> 00:11:06,310 I don't think we should come to this ballroom anymore. 108 00:11:06,690 --> 00:11:11,150 Why? It seems to be attracting a lower class of animals. 109 00:11:12,650 --> 00:11:16,610 Oh, we're... We're right. 110 00:11:18,130 --> 00:11:19,130 That's Tango. 111 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:32,880 just about a year ago to a little town called Morrow in the state of Ohio. 112 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:38,280 I've never been much of a traveler, and I really didn't know that Morrow was the 113 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,040 hardest place I'd ever try to go. 114 00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:45,020 So I went down to the station for my ticket and applied for tips regarding 115 00:11:45,020 --> 00:11:47,260 Morrow, not expecting to be guide. 116 00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:52,540 Said I, my friend, I'd like to go tomorrow and return no later than 117 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,260 for I haven't time to burn. 118 00:11:59,630 --> 00:12:04,170 Said he to me, now let me see if I have heard you right. You'd like to go 119 00:12:04,170 --> 00:12:08,870 tomorrow and return tomorrow night. You should have gone tomorrow, yesterday, 120 00:12:08,870 --> 00:12:09,870 and back today. 121 00:12:10,090 --> 00:12:13,610 For the train that goes tomorrow is a mile upon its way. 122 00:12:13,870 --> 00:12:17,030 You had gone tomorrow, yesterday, now don't you see? 123 00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:21,850 You could have gone tomorrow and returned today at three. For the train 124 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:24,210 tomorrow, if the schedule is right. 125 00:12:24,430 --> 00:12:27,750 Today it gets tomorrow and returns tomorrow night. 126 00:12:27,970 --> 00:12:33,430 Said I, I'd like to go. tomorrow, so can I go today and get tomorrow by tonight 127 00:12:33,430 --> 00:12:34,770 if there is no delay? 128 00:12:35,150 --> 00:12:39,630 Well, well, I said to him, and I've got no more to say. Can you get anywhere 129 00:12:39,630 --> 00:12:41,970 tomorrow and get back again today? 130 00:12:42,330 --> 00:12:47,250 He said, I guess you know it all, but kindly let me say, how can I get 131 00:12:47,250 --> 00:12:49,130 if I leave this town today? 132 00:12:49,570 --> 00:12:55,610 You cannot go tomorrow anymore today, for the train that goes tomorrow is a 133 00:12:55,610 --> 00:12:58,010 upon its way. I was so disappointed. 134 00:12:58,540 --> 00:13:03,180 I was mad enough to swear the train had gone tomorrow and it left me standing 135 00:13:03,180 --> 00:13:08,240 there. The man was right in telling me, you are a howling jay, you cannot go 136 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,560 tomorrow. Well, I guess in town I'll stay. 137 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,020 I don't get it. 138 00:13:24,030 --> 00:13:27,210 to present a group of performers that I personally discovered in the waiting 139 00:13:27,210 --> 00:13:29,030 room of a bus station in Toledo, Ohio. 140 00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:31,750 They weren't performing there. They were just waiting. 141 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:28,240 What did you say? 142 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:29,520 I don't know. I wasn't... 143 00:16:32,270 --> 00:16:34,790 What's the matter with you? You don't understand English? 144 00:16:35,170 --> 00:16:37,130 No, I don't understand English. 145 00:16:37,850 --> 00:16:39,650 Don't make fun of the lady's accent. 146 00:16:40,010 --> 00:16:40,989 What accent? 147 00:16:40,990 --> 00:16:43,690 Listen, boy chick, I speak as good English as the next guy. 148 00:16:44,050 --> 00:16:46,170 Yes, the next guy is Desi Arnaz. 149 00:16:47,350 --> 00:16:50,270 Please, girls, if you want... Listen, you. 150 00:16:51,390 --> 00:16:54,250 How would you like a high -heeled Andrew Hamhock? 151 00:16:56,150 --> 00:17:01,350 What about conversation as a dying art? If conversation is a dying... 152 00:17:13,639 --> 00:17:18,359 You see, in my country, we have a seldom -used saying. When the swine lubricates 153 00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:20,420 the automobile, you end up with a greased pig. 154 00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:22,140 That doesn't make sense. 155 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,099 I know. That's why it's seldom -used. 156 00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:26,520 In my country, we have a saying, too. 157 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:34,740 What is that supposed to mean? 158 00:18:07,660 --> 00:18:09,800 Easy on the eyes, but hard on the ears. 159 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:13,420 Yes. In fact, I just got a concussion from that discussion. 160 00:18:37,740 --> 00:18:41,600 Hey, listen, Rita. Yes? At this time in the show, I'd like to... Kermit, Kermit, 161 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:45,080 before you go on. What? I just have to tell you that I have always been a 162 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,800 nut, that I love all of you so much. 163 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:55,240 Hey, but listen, this is 164 00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:59,240 the part of the show, you see, where we have what we call our talk spot, you 165 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,900 see, where the guest sits here and talks casually. 166 00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:06,590 And spontaneously with the frog. I know, I know. But Kermit, haven't you ever 167 00:19:06,590 --> 00:19:10,410 noticed on these variety shows when they have a talk spot that the actors always 168 00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:14,690 come off so phony? I mean, you know that they are rehearsed. You know that they 169 00:19:14,690 --> 00:19:20,350 are reading cue cards. Yeah, but Rita, on our show, on our... Wait a minute. 170 00:19:20,350 --> 00:19:27,230 Rita, on our show, we do not use any cue cards. Rita, on our 171 00:19:27,230 --> 00:19:29,470 show, we do not... Kermit! 172 00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:33,700 I was just kidding there. Oh, sorry. 173 00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:37,040 Kermit, can't we just please do it Muppet style? 174 00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:38,260 Let's ad -lib it. 175 00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:42,520 Oh, you mean ad -lib? Just sort of, yeah, just make it up. Well, I don't 176 00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:46,300 Sure, yeah, just chatting like that. Well, sure. But I don't mind doing that. 177 00:19:46,340 --> 00:19:48,220 But there are others who might take offense. 178 00:19:49,060 --> 00:19:49,839 Like who? 179 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,540 Well, like the guy who holds the cue cards. 180 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,640 Who wants freedom to hold cue cards? 181 00:20:00,350 --> 00:20:02,650 Will I, uh... No. 182 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:06,950 Nice lady, let freedom hold something else. 183 00:20:07,250 --> 00:20:09,550 Oh, sure. You can hold anything you want. 184 00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:12,750 That best offer me have all week. 185 00:20:13,010 --> 00:20:19,950 What happens so often on 186 00:20:19,950 --> 00:20:22,430 our show, our guest stars just get carried away. 187 00:20:25,870 --> 00:20:30,960 As always... All of us right -thinking people know Wayne and Wanda are the only 188 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:34,700 truly uplifting acts on this whole questionable program. 189 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:41,860 So, with a sense of awesome pride, I present the singing team of 190 00:20:41,860 --> 00:20:46,500 Wayne and Wanda with Goody Goody. Oh, Goody Goody. 191 00:20:49,460 --> 00:20:53,660 So you met someone who set you back on your heels. 192 00:21:12,650 --> 00:21:14,510 to laugh a minute by the clock. 193 00:21:14,770 --> 00:21:17,490 Oh, yeah? Well, you better check your clock. It looks like it stopped. 194 00:21:18,650 --> 00:21:22,950 I go with a lovely girl. She's so bow -legged, when she stands around the 195 00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:25,210 she stands around the house. 196 00:21:26,390 --> 00:21:29,810 Hey, hey, you remind me of Charlton Heston. 197 00:21:31,150 --> 00:21:32,930 Charlton Heston doesn't tell jokes. 198 00:21:33,230 --> 00:21:34,230 Well? 199 00:21:35,570 --> 00:21:37,790 Look, I'm good enough to play the palace. 200 00:21:38,150 --> 00:21:39,890 You're not good enough to clean the palace. 201 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:43,320 like my last joke? 202 00:21:43,420 --> 00:21:46,220 Yes, if you promise it's your last joke. 203 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:51,460 You guys wouldn't know a good joke if it fell over one. 204 00:21:51,780 --> 00:21:54,220 Well, we're not in any danger with your act. 205 00:21:57,700 --> 00:22:01,780 Okay, on stage for Rita's closing number. That's Rita, Floyd, and Animal, 206 00:22:01,860 --> 00:22:03,120 please. On stage, on stage. 207 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:05,880 Okay? Everybody ready for that closing? 208 00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:17,580 happen when I do answer it. I'm aware of that. I'm aware of that, Fuzzy. Is 209 00:22:17,580 --> 00:22:19,160 there no end to this running gag? 210 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:20,960 Well, 211 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:31,960 I 212 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,940 guess that puts an end to this running gag. 213 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,360 And also to all the incoming calls. 214 00:22:53,710 --> 00:22:55,950 Never know how much I love you. 215 00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:59,370 Never know how much I care. 216 00:23:00,550 --> 00:23:07,110 When you put your arms around me, I get the fever that's so hard to bear. 217 00:23:07,230 --> 00:23:08,650 You give me fever. 218 00:23:10,730 --> 00:23:14,870 When you kiss me, fever when you hold me tight. 219 00:23:42,149 --> 00:23:44,370 Cool it. 220 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,560 you know I'm gonna treat you right 221 00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:01,620 end of the show and i cannot but pause to thank our lovely guest star miss rita 222 00:25:01,620 --> 00:25:08,540 moreno rita i wish you would throw 223 00:25:08,540 --> 00:25:11,980 things on the floor we try to be neat around here oh that's okay kermit he 224 00:25:11,980 --> 00:25:16,280 it i had lunch with him today it's okay okay hey thank you rita and thank you 225 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:17,280 all 226 00:25:59,670 --> 00:26:02,890 Yes. Well, I still couldn't find the chewing gum. 17861