All language subtitles for The Muppet Show s01e01 Jim Nabors

It's the Muppet Show with tonight's
special guest star, Mr. Jim Navers.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the
Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the
puppet show tonight.

My cousin is so thin, he paints his head
gold and rents himself out as a

flagpole.

To introduce our guest star, that's what
I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Mr. Jim
Neighbors!

But now let's get started.

another great show for you with our
special guest star, Mr. Jim Neighbors.

all of this, all of this is coming to
you, by the way, from the Benny

Memorial Theater.

We on The Muppet Show owe everything to
Benny, including three months back rent.

So in lieu of the rent, here's the
fantastic Dr.

Teeth with money!

Yeah!

I don't want no kissing.

I don't want no gal to call me honey.

I don't want my name in the Hall of
Fame.

I just want a big fat pile of money.

Give me that almighty dollar for that
lettuce every holler. Give me a bucket

full of ducats. Let me walk around and
wallow in my Zuma. Elder narrow, want to

be a millionaire. Give me money, money,
money, money, money.

I want that green ammunition. That's the
stuff for which I'm wishing. Fill my

closets with deposits. I'm a demon in
addition.

Give me shekels, give me facelos, let me
see their smiling facelos. Money,

money, money, money, money.

Want to get me a suit that's made out of
lute and whistle to wear it in green.

I've got that monetary -itis, like
beaches, like King Midas. Want that

dutch is what I mean.

Give me that old double eagle. Want that
tender that is legal and financially

substantial. Any sum I can in vegal.
Want a living regal splendor for that

loving legal tender.

Money, money, money, money, money.

I'm a greenback collector. I'm a paper
bill inspector.

I'm a savage for that cabbage man. To
me, it's gold and nectar. Pour that

lucre on me. Spread those lovin' germs
upon me. Money, money, money, money,

money.

And if they ever plant trees of equal or
of a genome, I want to be the

guy that they send out to prune them.
I'll give him my ass.

They don't write the old songs anymore.

They only write new ones.

Oh, Dr.

T, you are one hip dude.

Nice number. Nice number. Don't lose any
of that money, though. Oh, I won't. I

won't.

Hi. Are you Kermit the Frog?

Uh, yeah. Oh, I'm Scooter.

Cute. Cute name.

I'm your new gopher.

Gopher? No, no. We have frogs and pigs
and chickens around here, but we've

had a gopher. Matter of fact, you don't
even look like a gopher.

Yeah, well, you don't understand. You
see, I'm your new gopher. Yeah, I'll go

for coffee. I'll go for sandwiches.

I'll go for anything you need. I work
real cheap.

and I got plenty of ideas for your
theater, and I'll start tonight, okay?

Listen, kid, I'm sorry, but you're too
young, you don't have any experience,

I don't have any money for it in the
budget. Yeah, well, my uncle owns this

theater.

You start today, get me a cup of coffee,
your salary is 20 a week.

Stand by for the next number.

Could you make it 25?

Are you kidding? I can't afford it!

Gee, my uncle would be really
disappointed.

How about 30?

My wife's not feeling well.

Oh, sorry to hear it. What's the
trouble?

She's got the shingles.

We're real proud to have with us on the
show tonight a gentleman who has two

distinct personalities.

He's a real country boy who became
famous as Gomer Pyle, and also he sings

everything from pop to opera. So let's
give a real Muppet Show welcome to Jim

Neighbors!

Gone with the wind, just like a leaf
that

has blown away.

Gone with the wind, my romance has

a real good sport, a real good singer.

I used to live next door to him. He was
a real good neighbor.

Here's a Muppet news flash.

Billy Lee Boomer, a gas station
attendant from Pennybox, Texas, reported

flying saucer landed at his station last
night, said Mr.

Boomer.

They didn't want no guy.

They just wanted to use the restroom.

Can't say to blame them. Said they'd
travel, they'd three million miles

a stop.

No, I don't know when we're going on
either.

No, it's a great thing. Hey, Kermit,
here's your coffee. Whoa!

Not just the way you like it.

Too much sugar.

Well, anyway, I just found this
fantastic new act. Scooter, I don't have

the show for a new act. Oh, that's too
bad. I found him in my uncle's office.

It's his favorite act.

What's the name of the act? Oh, they're
called the Danceros. Oh, they are

fantastic. They're out of sight. And
they're your uncle's favorite act.

Oh,

boy. Hey, Danceros, you're on.

Okay, now with great pride and no little
fear, the international debut of the

Danceros, whatever they are.

Take it

Take it

Take it Going

home It went

better in rehearsal Hey

animal Are you on, Nick?

Yeah.

Well, as they say in show business,
break a leg.

It says break a leg.

Oh, thank you.

George,

George, come here. I'm busy.

Come here.

Have you got the scooter?

This is Scooter. He's our new golfer. So
if you need anything around here, you

know. Need anything?

Me? Need anything from some young kid?

Listen, kid.

I've been with this theater since the
very beginning, you know. Before that

guy bought it and ruined it.

Now the roof leaks and the seats are
torn.

The furnace is on the fritz. I tell you,
he is the worst.

And he's my uncle. He is the best.

What's a theater without problems?
Right.

Your uncle's got a good head in his
shoulders.

Huh? Unlike some people around here.

Ten,

eleven, twelve. Yeah, go.

You know, my marriage was wrecked by
something really stupid.

What was that?

My husband.

You know, my doctor says I'm getting the
Asian flu.

What did he say to do?

He says take two fortune cookies and
he'd call me in the morning.

Do you believe in the hereafter?

Oh, yes.

Ah, then you know what I'm here after.

You got something I've been looking for
all my life.

Well, it's halftime.

It is? Yeah. What's the score?

Well, Muppet six, audience nothing.

All right, now this is what you call
your doll kind of music here.

As you'll see.

Sing it.

Bowery corner, foggy night, passing

crowd, electric light.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

German chef, can of tin,

sausages are bored.

up in.

Oh, play it pretty wrong.

Yeller dog, nearby prowls, smells

a sausage, softly growls.

Clumsy man, wooden leg,

upsets the boiler.

with his peg.

Spills the sausage, scatters worst.

Yeller, don't, he gets there first.

He grabs the sausage, splits the fog.

It's another case of dog eat dog.

It's another case of dog eat dog.

Hey,

you know, Jim, it's a real pleasure to
have you with us on the show.

Well, thank you, Kermit. It's a real
pleasure to be here. I'm sort of an old

country boy, and I feel right at home
with all these chickens and roosters and

pigs. Especially that Miss Piggy. I just
love her.

Oh, Piggy Lee. You called my mother.

Hey, Miss Piggy.

Piggy, if you don't mind, Jim and I are
just trying to hold a quiet

conversation. Oh, go right ahead. Don't
mind me.

Kermit, one thing, I never know whether
to call him Jim or Gomer.

Well, I guess it is kind of confusing.
You see, I played Gomer Pyle on

television. Gomer Pyle. I love Gomer
Pyle. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Well, I

him for so long, I guess I got confused
myself. But it goes along with my

astrological sign. See, I'm a Gemini.
That means I got twin personalities.

Oh, yeah. Hey, listen. Well, I'm a
Taurus.

You are a Taurus. That's the sign of the
bull, isn't it?

I'm a bullfrog.

What sign were you born under, Miss
Piggy?

I wasn't born under a sign. I was born
over a sign at Becker's Butcher Shop.

I moved as soon as possible.

Gee, I don't blame you.

I was wondering, Jim, does being a
Gemini give you any kind of problems?

Well, it sure does, you know, because I
talk like this, but then I sing like

this.

What happened? It doesn't appreciate

classical music, James.

But it drives me bananas.

Kermit, Kermit. Hold, hold, hold.

Listen, listen.

There was a young kid following me all
around the theater.

Yeah, I know. His name is Scooter.

Cute. Cute name.

The trouble is, you see, He's following
me all around and giving me these jokes

for my act, and they are awful.

Fuzzy, how would you know?

How would I know, smarty frog?

Okay, okay, listen. Here's one of these
jokes he gave me. It's terrible.

Okay, tell us. Gonzo, listen. This is
one of these jokes.

I stay at a hotel so exclusive, room
service has an unlisted number.

And here they are, the world's finest
and most morally unobjectionable singing

team, Wayne and Wanda.

And now, Indian love call.

When I'm calling you.

Hey, baby, you...

the comedy star of our show, the man who
comes to us direct from a very long

engagement, but a very short marriage,
the man who thinks that Elton John is a

singing bathroom.

I'd like now to bring out one of the top
comics of the business.

Since he's not here, bring out the
regular guy.

Okay, here he is now, our very own
barrel of boss, Mr. Fozzie Bar.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Time for fun with Fuzzy Bear.

Here's some jokes from everywhere.

Hey, hey, hey, it's that silly bear.

It's time for the audience to go
elsewhere.

If you don't mind, I'll do the jokes.

We don't mind. But when are you going to
do them?

Pay no attention to them, folks. They
don't bother me. I can handle hecklers

my sleep.

Oh, well, don't tell that to the
audience.

They're asleep, too.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Uh, listen.

I'm going to tell you my best joke, and
if you don't laugh, then I'll never come

back out on this stage again, okay?

It's a deal.

Oh.

Ah. Ah.

Uh, uh.

These two cannibals were talking. One
cannibal said to the other cannibal, Who

was that lady I saw you out with last
night?

The other cannibal says, that was no
lady. That was my lunch.

I got you. I got you. And I lied. That
was my worst joke.

Oh, I love me when I'm good.

Pacing, timing.

Why did we laugh at that terrible joke?

Well, either we're getting soft or we're
in the first stages of senility.

Here it is, my first night at Benson's
Bakery as watchman.

And I've got to be real careful and not
let anybody in here.

Uh -oh, here comes somebody now.

Wait a minute, stop right there. Stop
right there. Put up your hands. Put up

your hands. I beg pardon?

Your hands, put them up.

Oh, oh, okay.

What's that?

Those are my hands.

Where shall I put them?

Well, right here on the table, I guess.

Okay.

Now,

wait a minute, baby.

What rat have you got to be here?

What rat do I have? Well, I got this rat
right here.

Oh, well, I guess you do have a rat to
be here.

Thank you.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't
move a hair.

Okay.

What's that?

That's the hair I'm not supposed to
move.

Now, wait a minute. I don't want any
beef out of you.

No beef. Okay.

Here's some pork.

Now, wait just a minute.

you animals doing here? This is supposed
to be a bakery.

Well, you see, the farmer's been losing
money. We came here to raise some dough.

Well, well, well, I'm sure glad we got
that straightened out. For a minute

there, I thought she was just being
silly.

Let me tell you about my nearsighted
cousin. Let me tell you.

Oh, oh, hi, hi, Scooter.

Hey, Fass, you know, I think you're the
greatest comedian there ever was.

Me?

You think that I'm the... Oh, wow.
Really, I mean it. Cross my heart. Yeah?

mean, you're the best. Oh, yeah? Nobody,
nobody tells a joke as good as you.

Every line, every joke, everything you
say, it makes me fall down.

You're a million laughs. Hey, in that
case, let me tell you about my

cousin. He's so rich, his automobile is
fitted with a prescription windshield.

Okay, tell me about him.

Lucky his uncle owns this place.

That was a joke!

Now, once again, folks, Mr. Jim
Neighbors.

on the farm kind of laid back ain't much
no country boy like me can't hack it's

early to rise and early in the sack
thank god i'm a country boy simple kind

life never done me no harm raising me a
family and working on the farm my days

are all filled with an easy country
charm thank god i'm a country boy well i

me a fine life i got me old fiddle the
sun's coming up i got kicks on the

griddle life ain't nothing but a funny
funny riddle thank god i'm a country boy

The work's all done and the sun's
setting low. I pull out my fiddle and I

up my bow. The kids are asleep so I keep
it kind of low.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

I'd play daddy good and all day if I
could, but the Lord and the wife

take it very good.

I fiddle when I can and I work when I
should.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

Well, I got me a fine wife, I got me old
fiddle. When the sun's coming up, I got

cakes on the griddle. And life ain't
nothing but a funny, funny riddle.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

I wouldn't trade my life for diamonds or
jewels, never was one of them money

-hungry fools.

I'd rather have my fiddle and my farm in
two.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

City folks drivin' in a black limousine,
a lot of sad people think that's mighty

keen. Folks, let me tell you exactly
what I mean.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

Well, I got me a fine wife, I got me old
fiddle. When the sun's comin' up, I got

kicked on the riddle. Life ain't nothin'
but a funny, funny riddle. Thank God

I'm a country boy.

My daddy till the day that he died, he
took me by the hand and held me close to

his side. Said, live a good life, play
the fiddle with pride.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

Daddy taught me young how to hunt and
how to whittle. He taught me how to work

and play a tune on the fiddle. Taught me
how to love and give just a little.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

Well, I got me a fine wife, I got me old
fiddle. And the sun's coming up, I got

cakes on the griddle. Life ain't nothing
but a funny, funny riddle.

I want to give our special thanks to our
very special guest star, Mr. Jim

Navarro. Hey,

Jim, I hope you had a good time.

I sure did, Kermit. But tell me, who was
that little old fellow that kept

following me throughout the show?

Oh, that scooter.

His uncle owns the theater.

You called?

No, I didn't.

Oh, that's okay, Kermit. He was real
nice. He picked up my coffee and he

up my wardrobe. Yeah, I even picked up
his accent.

Well, go on.

Be careful he doesn't try to pick up
your paycheck.

Shut up. I'm fudgy. I'm piggy.

I'm not anymore.

Well, I'm saying goodnight. We'll see
you all next time on The Muppet Show.

Go away.

Go away.

Pay up. They made it through another
one.

Double or nothing next week's show.

You're on.