All language subtitles for The Muppet Show - s04e15 - Lynda Carter

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

The Muppet Show was originally shot in
Elstree, just north of London.

And it was a wonderful process to watch.

You walk out of these dingy London
streets and then you go inside the

There's brightly colored, crazy,
frenetic energy.

The way the show was shot, though, is it
took three frantic days to shoot each

episode. One thing that was amazing is
the audience, for some reason, always

thought that the show was shot live,
which always astounded me, because if

watch The Muppet Show, every shot is a
special effect.

There's a little trick going on
everywhere, and it took a lot of time

of effort to sort of pull that together.

Of course, the real audience for The
Muppet Show, as you see in the show, is

bunch of...

Muppet monsters and various creatures
because we always knew they would laugh

the right times The monsters in the
audience particularly enjoyed this show

I hope you do too. Enjoy

Linda Carter Linda

Carter. I know I know scoots. It's 20
seconds to curtain You can read my mind.

I'm not reading your mind.

I'm reading my script

Oh, no, no. Kermit wouldn't allow a
script on this show. Everything we say

here is ad lib.

It's the Muppet Show with our very
special guest star, Linda Carter.

Don't start? We haven't left yet!

It's time to get things started on the
most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational...

for you tonight, because our very
special guest is that lovely star of

television's Wonder Woman, Miss Linda
Carter!

Yes! But right now, let's get the show
started with... Excuse me, excuse me.

You forgot to mention the sketch I am
in.

I didn't forget, I just didn't think it
was important.

You didn't?

It's important, but not that important.

I mean, it's not like it was a matter of
life and death.

You're sure about that?

Ladies and gentlemen, later on in the
show, our own Miss Piggy here will be

portraying a brand new character, Wonder
Pig.

Wonder Pig?

Thank you, Jimmy.

You're welcome.

Isn't it great to be alive?

Which reminds me of our opening number,
ladies and gentlemen. How long has it

been since you watched a good old
-fashioned human sacrifice?

in Vietnam.

What would you do if I sang out of tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a
song And I'll try not to sing out of key

Oh, I get high with a little help from
my friends I get high with a little

help from my friends Gonna try with a
little help from my friends Do you

need...

Somebody to love.

Could it be anybody?

I need anybody to love. Really? I get by
with a little help from my

friends. I'm gonna try a little help
from my friends.

Take you by with a little help from my
friends.

Yes, I get by with a little help from
my, with a little help from my friends.

I think I just lost my lunch.

You

think

the lobsters would share some of their
popcorn with us? No chance.

They're too shellfish.

Correspondence course?

Your correspondence course?

How to be a superhero.

Yeah, it comes complete with a helmet, a
cape, a red shirt, and an instruction

book called Invincibility Made Easy.

I don't believe that. I'm doing it
because Wonder Woman's on our show.

No, no, no. Linda Carter is on our show.
She's not going to play Wonder Woman

tonight. Well, that's just as well.
There'll be plenty of superheroes

What do you mean, plenty?

Well, everybody's taking the course.

Lesson two, deflecting bullets with
their magic gold bracelets.

Hi, Kermit. What are you doing?

Just noticing that this season has
produced a bumper crop of nuts.

Sam, you know that human sacrifice
number at the top of the show? Oh, yes.

Well, is that kind of thing going to be
going on throughout this entire show?

Oh, Miss Carter, I'm afraid so.

Good, because I loved it.

Linda, your number is next.

Thanks, Kermit.

Congratulations. For what?

You are the next human to be sacrificed.

Listen, Linda, you know, about this
number you're about to do, well, none of

band has rehearsed this number.

Well, that's okay. I brought my own
band.

Oh, says the frog feeling control
slipping through his fingers?

Don't worry about it, Kermit. This is
one terrific band.

Oh, what kind of band is it? Oh, it's a
rubber band.

me down my walking cane. Hand me down my
hat.

Hurry now and don't be late because we
ain't got time to chat.

You and me, we're going out to catch the
latest sound.

Guaranteed to blow your mind so high you
won't come down.

Hey y 'all, prepare yourself for the
rubber band.

Man, you never heard it sound like the
rubber band.

And the rubber band stopped again.

and play at a club outside of town.

I was so surprised there was heaven
inside for the sound these cats put

When I saw this short band cat switch a
band between his toes, hey, I laughed so

hard because the band got down and it
finally reached its low.

Hey, y 'all, prepare yourself for the
rubber band, man.

You never heard the sound like the
rubber band, man.

Well, make him into a tire and drive him
to Pittsburgh.

Okay,

hey, that was wonderful, Linda.

Thank you very much.

Oh, look at this. The apprentice
superheroes are still at it.

Boy, this invincibility made easy is
some kind of crazy book.

Chapter 4, Vanishing. To vanish, it
requires several minutes of hard work to

achieve.

Vending steel bars is simple if you have
a pure heart and clean thoughts.

Let's see.

Swinging from building to building on a
rope should be practiced perhaps by

starting swinging across a room.

Ah, right.

Then, of course, there's Lou Zealand.
He's practicing x -ray vision.

Pick a closed door.

stare at it for several seconds, and
suddenly the door will seem to

vanish and you'll see inside the room.
Oh, gotcha!

I can see a room!

I have a great vision!

Here's a Muppet News flag.

Dateline Egypt.

Archaeologists today discovered an
ancient tomb more than 5 ,000 years old

the Nile Valley.

An inscription over the tomb warned that
the crocodile god Rezal -Evad -Gib,

that's Rezal -Evad -Gib, would wreak a
terrible vengeance on anyone who entered

the tomb or even pronounced his name
aloud.

That's a ridiculous story. I don't
know...

you about something no no time for the
nicey nicies something terrible just

happened to the newsman downstairs
you're kidding what well they sent me up

to tell you not to say this very
dangerous word oh okay what's the word

it's uh oh no i forgot it

But whatever you do, don't say it. Now,
how can I not say a word if you don't

know what it is and you can't remember
it, huh?

I mean, it could be anything. It could
be pencil.

No, I guess that wasn't it.

Well, it could be shoehorn, hairbrush,
powder puff.

Don't be careful. Stop it. You might say
it by accident.

Oh.

Okay, now listen, Beau.

Why don't you try to remember? Try very,
very, very hard, okay?

You mean think? Think, right. That's
hard.

Okay. Okay, come on.

That's no use.

It's right on the tip of my tongue.

It is right on the tip of your tongue.
It says, wait, wait, hold still. Re

-Zell. E -Vell.

I bet you thought they were going to say
Re -Zell, E -Vell.

That could have been you.

I look at you all See the love there

that's sleeping While my guitar gently

weeps I look at the floor And I

see it needs sweeping Sleeping.

How?

Disgusting. Get away.

Sam.

Hey, Sam. What?

What are you doing? I am censoring this
show.

Well, what are you writing down there?

Already I have 14 disgusting items that
have occurred on this show.

Well, like what?

Well, first of all, there's one here.

A possible romantic liaison between a
frog and a pig.

Well, I guess I'm not very happy about
that one myself.

But what do you do with this?

I send it to a very important person.

Who?

None of your business.

That's what I mean. What is that? Is
that a chicken? That's a chicken. And a

penguin? What is this? What is this?

Well, that's a rat.

A rat?

What is a rat doing in a legitimate
theater?

I sent him out to buy me a chocolate
milkshake, actually.

You let a rat touch your food?

Well, sure, Sam. That's the kind of
place it is. You know, the chickens

the pig sings, and the rat goes out and
gets me some food. All right, all right,

all right.

That's it. I want this rat out of the
theater. Wait, I'll do it.

Rat! Rat!

I'm talking to you.

I'm making a citizen's rat arrest.

Out!

It was a command decision.

But Sam, you can't just send those rats
out. I mean, they perform a very useful

function. They gather all the trash and
garbage around the theater and take it

out in the alley and dump it.

Okay, guys, do it.

What?

So here is a story of sheer terror when
civilization is threatened by one of the

most frightening creatures ever to roam
the earth. Who can save us? Ladies and

gentlemen, our own Miss Piggy, starring
as Wonder Pig.

Wonder Pig.

A word of caution. There are scenes in
this story which may not be suitable for

adults.

Oh, Doctor, at last you've come.

Do you keep any chickens on the ranch?

Has she had any cacciatore?

The chickens are getting so big on this
show.

It's like a job for super sheep.

can fly as long as he believes that he
can stand at the very top of a tall

Thank you very much, because this has
definitely been one of the worst

experiences I have... No, I'm just
kidding you. I have had a fabulous

time. Great. As a matter of fact, I
think that we came through this with

colors, don't you? Oh, more than that.
We got through it with flying Muppets.

You've turned into Money Man!