Original subtitles

in.

Linda Lavin?

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Linda. Oh, thanks.

Hey, uh, can I get you anything?

Well, you could make me a sandwich.

Okay. You're a sandwich.

Everybody's a comedian.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Linda Lavin.

Now watch the show carefully and you'll learn a lot about laying an egg.

Thank

you,

thank you, thank you, and welcome to the Muppet Show. Hey, you're going to have

a great time tonight because our guest star is a terrific... actress and star

musical comedy, Miss Linda Lavin. So it's going to be a wonderful show.

Actually, it's not.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Excuse me.

But I have an announcement to make.

What is that?

Tonight's show is cancelled.

But you can't cancel the show. The first act is all ready to go on. Zuzu

Fitzwaller, the Hungarian water juggler.

No, yes.

At last, we can get back to our show. So here is our first act. Zuzu Fitzwaller,

the Hungarian water juggler. I sent him home.

You did what?

But this is supposed to be a show. What are people going to watch?

What else?

In honor of your...

You take this advice.

Yes, it is. It's now.

Be a frog. Be a frog.

All the world loves a frog.

Learn to croak.

Learn to howl.

And you'll find you'll wind up on top.

Dress in green, bug your eyes.

If you wink, they'll think you're so wise.

If you're a cow, you'll die at...

A horse will think that nay is all you can say.

But folks will think about how you went courting one day.

fairy tale and everyday sense. I haven't had much trouble when I try to convince

the ladies if they kiss me, they'll be kissing a prince.

Be a frog, be a frog. Be a frog, be a frog. Be a

frog.

Seriously,

we should give the frog a birthday present.

Like what?

How about a nice bottle of pig repellent? Oh,

yes, that was fabulous.

Oh, you pigs make wonderful frogs.

Hey, us frogs make pretty good frogs, too, you know.

You, you canceled my act. All the grief is Zuzu Fitzwaller, the Hungarian water

juggler. Listen, Zuzu, I'm sorry about that. You see, but it wasn't me. I

cancel yet. I practiced and I practiced.

I was going to juggle.

The trick is hard, the word is soft.

I'm sorry that they act with counsel, Zuzu.

My girl Gloria came all the way from Pittsburgh to see me.

I tell you what, listen, you're back on. I'm going to go introduce you right

now, Zuzu. Yes.

All right, now, Fozzie, stand by for your first special guest. Go, go, go.

You got the axe.

Ladies and gentlemen, and especially Gloria, at this time I take great pride

presenting... Gloria, I'm not going to be young. They gave me the axe.

No, no, no. Wait a second, Zuzu. Yes, come at the front.

This is your birthday.

Yes, yes, yes.

We have a whole evening of birthday... birthday greetings planned for you.

Oh, no.

How's it going, baby?

Oh, wonderful.

You've made such a wonderful night for Kermit. I would do anything for my

Kermit. I am pulling out all stops.

Really going hog wild, huh?

It's a figure of speech.

Kermit the Frog, here is the first of your birthday greetings.

Do you recognize this boy, Kermit?

Do you remember all the time we spent working on breathing exercises?

I don't believe it. It's Mr. Dawson, my old acting coach.

Yeah, all the way from Leland, Mississippi, your old acting coach, Mr.

Oh, Mr.

Dawson. Oh,

Mr. Dawson.

Oh,

you wanted everybody to be here. What a terrific birthday party this is.

He learned that.

Gloria, I'll meet you in the parking lot after the show.

Young man, young man, that is no way to cry on stage.

What? If you're going to cry, cry.

Why?

I want to dedicate this song to Kermit.

On your birthday, Kermit. Happy birthday. Guys, let her rip.

And so it goes.

Hey,

what are you doing?

I dropped my gum.

Hey, lady, would you toss my gum up?

wig first.

Glad to see you. I was hoping we could get a chance to talk. I'm a great

of your work.

Well, I mean it sincerely.

Yeah? Yeah.

So, what have you done for Kermit's birthday? Something special, huh?

Is that a frog made

out of chopped liver?

Frog, isn't that something?

It sure is original, and it sure does look like Kermit.

Except, um, that you forgot the eyes.

Oh, that's right. I forgot the googly.

But wait, look.

With these eggies, you can make googly. Look.

How about that? Eggie googly. What do you think?

Pieces of, uh... Huh?

It's really nice.

Except it's not green.

Uh, green. Well, it's, uh, frog -permitted green, but, uh... Well,

it's all right. He's, uh, tan, and, uh...

I've heard of liverwurst, but this is liverterrible.

Do you remember in the fairy tale How the wicked witches fell Changed the

handsome prince to a toad Through the power of her potion She handed him a

notion He was lower than the dirt in the road

And though she left him green and warded, her evil plan was thwarted when

perchance to happen by the young miss.

And in spite of his complexion, offered her affection and broke the wicked curse

with her kiss. Well, if you've never been a frog kissing, then you don't know

what you've been missing.

There's a world of opportunity under each and every log.

If you've never been a charm breaker, and if you've never been a handsome

maker, just slow down, turn around, bend down, and kiss you, little

frog.

There's a happy ever after land deep in the heart of man where a prince or

princess abide.

But all we get are glimpses of the handsome prince or princess, cause

covered by a green warty hide.

And though they're full of life's potential, they're lacking one essential

enable them to shine like a star.

And that's to have some guy or missus, smother them with kisses, and to love

them while they're just like they are. And that's the secret of frog kissing.

And you can do it too if you just listen.

Just slow down, turn around, bend down, and kiss you a frog.

Ribbit. Ribbit.

Ever kissed a frog before?

Never. No time like the present.

Now,

Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the

store.

Okay, where's the first patient, Nurse Janice? Here he is, Dr. Bob. Little

Robin.

Oh, that doesn't look like a robin. It looks like a little toad.

I'm not a toad. I'm a frog. My name is Robin.

Robin. That's a dumb name for a frog.

Yeah, well, I tell my uncle Kermit. Oh, yeah, Kermit. I forgot about him.

Dumb names must run in the family.

Cool it, Dr. Bob, or your name will be mud.

Sorry, I forgot about you and the frog.

That's all right.

But just be careful of my dear little deer here.

You'll soon be a relative of mine.

Huh? When I marry your Uncle Kermy, I'll become your Aunt Piggy.

Why, you... Wait, wait, wait. I can't let you harm the patient.

I'm a doctor.

That's my job.

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm only here because it's a salute to frogs.

The night is young.

Dr. Bob, I haven't had a line in five minutes.

Don't you bless it.

Well, one, I'm really beautiful.

To yourself.

To everybody.

You don't understand this. Can I go now?

No, not till we come to the end.

And so we come to the end of another veterinary talk.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Robin say... Ow, Miss Piggy, you're hurting

my arm.

Say it.

Uncle. Aunt.

You know, I hate to admit it, but I'm enjoying Kermit's birthday party.

Yeah, me too.

When was your last birthday, Walter?

Years ago.

Yeah, I stopped having them, too.

Yeah, so there were some pretty good years.

Oh, there were some very good years.

Yeah.

When I was 17, it was a very good year.

Yeah, it was a very good year for small -town girls, soft

summer nights. Oh, yes.

We'd hide from the light. You do, huh? On a village green.

Yes. When we were 17.

When I was 21.

It was a very good year.

It was a very good year for city girls who lived up the stair.

With perfumed hair that came undone when

I was 21.

I don't remember that long ago.

How about when you were 63?

Oh, that was a year. I broke my hip.

Got to flirt with the nurse all year.

Well, my third wife left me.

Ah, what a terrific year.

Yeah, well, what about when you were 74?

Yeah, that was the year my rheumatism came back.

Yeah, so did my third wife.

What a terrible year. Oh, indeed, yeah.

But now the days are short.

I'm in the autumn of the year.

Now I think of my life.

There's vintage wine from fine old kegs. From

the brim to the dregs.

It poured sweet and clear.

It was a very good

year.

I agree. Nothing's on stage.

Listen, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry that we haven't been able to get more of

the regular show on so far, but I think now things are back to normal.

Want to bet?

Scooter, what are you doing out here?

Kermit the Frog?

This is your birthday!

Again? You recognize these voices?

Kermit, we really...

Enjoy the year we spent on your show.

Yes, there were great times.

Oh, I don't believe it.

It's our old singing duo, Wayne and Wanda.

Oh, look at us. Oh, goodness.

Oh, it must be nearly a year since we've seen each other. Well, it's 26

months exactly.

Since the day you fired us.

Fired you? Did I do that?

Mary Kermit, we're getting along just great.

Oh, good. I'm fulfilling my lifetime ambition as a manual laborer.

Now, now, Wayne, you know we get along fine with what we get from my mother out

of her pension money.

It's amazing how one can survive after one's career has been shot down.

By the way, Kermit, why did you fire us?

Well, I don't know. It's been such a long time ago, I don't really remember

I fired you. I tell you what. What? Right now, on this very spot, I'm going

rehire you.

Yes. No.

Yes, I will. Ladies and gentlemen, we're there once again. Wayne and Wanda.

Wanda. Oh, Wanda, my dear.

Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found.

Oh, I'm so tense.

Yes, I know.

You do seem to be... Inhale, piggy.

No, exhale.

At the breaking point.

There you go. Okay, you're fine. Will that hold?

Yes.

How do I look?

Beautiful. Oh, do you like everything?

I love it. Like the shoes?

Oh, no.

How bad is it? Where is it? Oh.

Piggy.

Thank you.

I needed that.

Is everything going on?

Yes. What?

What do I do, Linda? Piggy.

What do I do?

I could do the number.

Do you?

You could do the number?

Yeah. Oh, thank you.

Consider it done.

promise there will be no more of this birthday nonsense.

Instead, let us just sit back and enjoy our talented and charming guest star,

the wonderful Miss Linda Lavin.

great pleasure for me to be here and to be able to celebrate your birthday with

everybody. Come on, everybody. Let's go.

For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow.

For he's a jolly good fellow.

What is that?

Listen,

everybody. I'm sorry, but I have a very embarrassing announcement to make. What?

Well, today is not my birthday. It's about four months from now.

What? Well, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

Should all acquaintance be forgot?

Why are you singing that?

I forgot.

Oh!