All language subtitles for The Muppet Show - s03e23 - Lynn Redgrave

Lynn Redgrave, 15 seconds to curtain,
Miss Redgrave. Thank you very much,

Scooter. You know, I think it's
absolutely wonderful that instead of

regular show tonight, you're going to be
doing the story of Robin Hood. Yeah,

the rehearsals went great, but there's
just one scene that needs a little more

work. Oh, which one?

Uh, let me guess. The archery contest?

Excuse me, did you see a pointy thing go
by?

Muppet Show with our very special guest
star, Lynn Redgrave.

It's time to get things started. Why
don't you get things started?

I think that was good.

It's time to get things started. I'm the
most inspirational, inspirational,

celebrational, mouthtational.

in which we are going to spend the
entire program doing a unique production

Robin Hood. It's going to be very
terrific because our special guest is

the great ladies of the stage and
screen, Miss Lynn Redgrave. And so,

further ado, or I don't, ladies and
gentlemen, the Muppet players with Lynn

Redgrave proudly present Robin Hood.

I wish you all a fond hello, my name is
Alan O'Dale. My hope is that we

entertain with this our evening's tale.

In Sherwood Forest, dark and deep,
dwells Robin Hood and Sooth. An outlaw

his merry men, they're living fast and
loose.

Fast and loose?

Come on, give me a break, I'm usually
the gopher around here.

Time to cavort!

Cavort! Cavort!

How's it going?

Oh, well, looks a little bit like
feeding time on a freaky farm.

Well, I'm stage managing tonight since
Kermit's starring in the show.

Could you help me move some scenery?

Oh, I'm sorry, Scoots. I'd love to, but
I'm on strike.

On strike?

Well, why?

Well, I don't dig all this Robin Hood
jazz. I prefer things more hip and less

green.

Great. More hip and less green.

Now what am I going to do?

Hey, Bo?

Yes, sir. Could you move that scenery?

Yes. Great.

That was an easy job.

Hey, hey, hey, hold it. Oh, pretty,
pretty.

Hey, cool it there.

Oh, what is it, little John?

What? You guys are not cavorting right.

This is a proper way to cavort.

Cavort, cavort, cavort, cavort, cavort,
cavort.

Like that? You got it? No.

Well, you better practice, because Robin
Hood will be here any minute now.

It's a note from Robin Hood. What does
it say?

I'll be here any minute now.

What did I tell you?

Hi -ho, little John. Hi -ho, Robin Hood.

Hi -ho, merry men.

Hi -ho, Robin Hood.

Well rehearsed, well rehearsed. Thank
you very much. Hey, the firm -made

will be here soon. and the place looks a
mess. What have you been doing?

Oh, well, you see, uh... Cavorting,
right?

Well, cavorting wrong, actually.

Oh,

fair maid Marian!

Oh, good Robin Hood! Didst thou have a
pleasant journey?

Oh, aye, aye, for truth, but methinks I
was followed by the wicked sheriff of

Nottingham's men.

You have that much time then.

Lujan. Yes. Tell the men to prepare.

Yes, sir.

Let it.

Prepare what?

To come on.

Hooray.

Hooray. It's such a lovely day.

Singing hey, down, very down, down. Ho,
ho, little, ho, hey, donny, no. With a

dum, dum, diddle, dum.

Hey, where's Marion?

Marion? Marion?

Marion! Hey, Marion!

Well, I've seen a lot of versions of
Robin Hood, but none to match this one.

How's that?

The others were all good.

Oh, yeah, set up the torture scene.

Oh, the torture scene's going to be
real.

Nicely cavorted, Mary Matt. Nicely
cavorted. Oh, you like the cavorting?

you should see us in our full frilling.

Okay, that Lynn Redgrave is wonderful as
Maid Marian. It's a demanding role.

Speaking of a demanding role, I do not
have a role in this production, and I

am demanding one.

You see, there's only one female part
that's Maid Marian, and Lynn Redgrave is

playing that.

I said, I am demanding.

Yeah, well, let's see.

I guess there is a part here you can
play.

A little rewriting. I'm sure you'd be
perfect for it. Yes, yes, yes. What is

Well, it's Sister Tuck.

Sister Tuck?

No, you couldn't play Friar Tuck.

Torture?

Piggy, let me explain. Sister Tuck!
Sister Tuck!

Sister Tuck!

Ring in the prisoner!

Move it! Move it!

Move it!

Please move it! Oh, there. Oh, okay.

Here she is.

Ah, Maid Marian, you are now a...

Dungeon guest of the Sheriff of
Nottingham.

Oh,

no, not the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Oh, no, that's the great Gonzo. Oh,
that's the Sheriff of Nottingham. Oh,

sorry. I have you in my power now, my
pretty.

You black -hearted villainous swine.

Oh, you silver -tongued fly.

Will you tell me the exact location of
Robin Hood's hideout? I'll never tell

you, never!

That's terrific!

Thank you.

Now it's torture time!

Just try and make me talk.

All right!

We have ways of making you talk.

Take these thumbscrews, for instance.

All right, well, what do they do? Well,
you put your thumb in here like this.

Yes, yes. That's it, and then you turn
the little handle on top. What, this

No, the other way. Sorry.

That's better. See, when you do that, it
presses the bar down on your thumb.

That's great.

All right, now will you talk?

No, I'll never tell you, never.

All right, another turn.

You know you're wasting your time.

about that.

But you won't talk so bravely on the
rack, my dear.

The rack? What's that?

You'll wish you'd never asked.

Gonzo's trying to get himself killed.

Yeah, but he won't make it.

He never succeeds at anything.

Best he can hope for is maimed.

Manacles secured hand and foot, right?

Correct.

There is no escape from this pain.

This pain here?

Yes!

Isn't that terrific?

Come on!

How much more of this can you take?

Good, Sharon.

I can take no more of this.

I've got to go and stretch out for a nap
in my dressing room.

Hey,

wait. Wait. We haven't even tried the
boiling oil yet.

Torture scene over.

Archery scene next.

Stand by, archers and peons.

Archers, peons.

I'm on, too.

Scooter. Come on. I got to get this out
for the archery contest. Somebody give

me a hand.

You say you want a hand?

The day of the archery contest.

There isn't one seat left to sell.

The crowd on the greens packed as tight
as sardines, which might also account

for the smell.

Both contestants look good to the

experts. Yes, the winner is tricky to
choose, but I'll stick my neck out and

without any doubt.

Say the other guy's certain to lose.

Is that it? Is that all you can tell us?
Well... As our archers warm up on the

track? But regrettably, he only gets to
say, Gee!

When a practice shot cancels his act.

Black Bart is the opening archer. The
sheriff of Nottingham's man.

With the strength of an ox, the nerve of
a fox, And the brains of a gooseberry

plant.

The sheriff has bribed and corrupted a

youth. The rules of the contest have
been.

He never hurts me. The crime doesn't
pay.

He sure gets the point in the end.

So with Black Bart awarded a bullseye,
there's little poor Robin can do.

Safe to trust to his luck, his nerve and
his pluck.

And split Black Bart's arrow in two.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. My
pleasure.

Nice concept.

During this...

It is my great pleasure to present the
author of tonight's drama.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

William Shakespeare.

Delighted. You are the William
Shakespeare?

I am a William Shakespeare, yeah.

Mr. Shakespeare, what an honor. Do you
know I saw the sound of music at least a

dozen times?

Now, now, wait, wait, wait just a
minute. This here William Shakespeare is

nom de plume.

My pen name.

Then you are not the real William
Shakespeare. Oh, of course not.

Oh, of course not.

I can see that now. He was a bearded
man.

And you're much younger.

And he's dead.

And he's... Is he?

Oh, I didn't. No, I'm so sorry. I didn't
realize.

Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. Tell me, did
he leave a wife and children?

Well, as far as I'm aware, he left just
about everything, including an

unfinished play, Henry D. Yeat.

That's a tragedy.

Well, it certainly isn't a comedy.

And by adopting his name, you hope to
keep something of his legend alive.

Yeah, principally his royalties.

His what?

His royalty payments.

Good. Thank you.

Tommy, could you please recite a portion
of his masterpieces?

Sure, but let me get an actor to do it
properly, all right? Hey, you! Excuse

Actor! Yeah, want to read this for me,
please?

This is an actor?

To be or not to be?

I didn't understand all of it, but I'm
certain the English people enjoyed it.

Oh,

pretty

fair maid Marion.

Thank you for joining me in this here
fair glen here. Ah, good Robin Hood.

was the very spot that we first met.

Yea, verily. Yes, and I shall always
remember it. And how surprised I was to

meet the famous Robin Hood.

Surprised? In what way surprised?

Um, well... I mean, was it the fact that
I'm a daring robber?

Or the fact that I am debonair and
handsome?

No, it was the fact that you were a
frog.

You noticed that, huh?

I couldn't help noticing, particularly
since I'm not one.

Listen,

Marion, don't let that worry you.

Your eyes are not bulgy.

You don't live in a swamp.

You don't hop or turn somersaults.

Your feet are not whipped.

And you never eat flies.

I'm sorry to dwell on your faults.

And yet I still love you.

I always will love you.

You shine in my mind like a dream.

And yet I still...

I know I'm an odd one. I'm not like a
frog. My head is all covered

with hair.

No flippers, no bulges, no croaking, no
warts. No wonder

that sometimes you stare.

And so if I love you, I really do love
you.

Who cares if you're not me?

Good

Robin

Hood. Eh? Pray, kiss me sweetly.

Piggy. Piggy. Piggy.

Piggy. Piggy. Piggy. Piggy. Piggy.

What did you

think

of Miss Piggy's outfit?

I think she ought to kick the habit.

That's an old joke.

So are you.

Miss Piggy, I want to talk to you.

Oh, you mean you wish an audience with
Mr.

Tucker.

No, I want to talk to you. I want to
know what you did with Lynn.

Oh, remember, blessed are the meek.

What did you do with her?

What did you do with her?

Oh, that's nice.

She is in yonder dressing room. She's
okay.

Yeah, but the big dungeon scene is
coming up next.

I'll go tell her. Oh, no, no.

I shall tell her. It is the least that
moi can do.

Town crier on stage.

Scooter, scooter. The town crier is on
stage, but he can't go on.

Why not?

He lost his onion.

Ah.

I'm going to make you cry.

Will you get out of here?

Will you get out of here?

Five o 'clock and all's well.

Five o 'clock and all's well. Except
that Maid Marian has been kidnapped. The

sheriff's up to no good. That dog is
stealing the cheese. Kermit's mad at

and it's really only 4 .30.

So how goes the night?

Tis dark, but still.

Still what? Still dark.

Our prisoner made Marion is safe.

Yes.

Park Hanoi.

Hold fast, good sir, lest I strike you
again with my quarterstaff.

That's a cheap weapon. Mine costs 50
cents.

You'll pay for that.

like a butterfly sting like a frog.

Oh, sir, Robin Hood, thou didst

might him mightily on the pate.

Uh -huh. I believe that's pate.

I'm sorry. Yes, but good men of Sherwood
Forest, we must now...

Sneak away and rescue the Maid Marian.
Sneak and rescue. Rescue, rescue.

We must go hushly. Hush, hush, hush.

Hark,

it is the beautiful Maid Marian.

Light.

How goes it?

not, lest I strike thee also with my
quarterstaff. Ha!

Mine cost a buck ninety -five!

Wait a minute!

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

Hermit, listen, shouldn't we be doing
this on the stage?

theatrical experience. Oh, thank you. We
can take that as a compliment?

Um... I'll see you next time when I'm up
at y 'all.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you all the little people back
there.

Thank you.

Thank you.

The legend of Robin Hood will never die.

No, but it sure got wounded pretty bad
tonight.