Original subtitles

Lynn Redgrave, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Redgrave. Thank you very much,

Scooter. You know, I think it's absolutely wonderful that instead of

regular show tonight, you're going to be doing the story of Robin Hood. Yeah,

the rehearsals went great, but there's just one scene that needs a little more

work. Oh, which one?

Uh, let me guess. The archery contest?

Excuse me, did you see a pointy thing go by?

Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Lynn Redgrave.

It's time to get things started. Why don't you get things started?

I think that was good.

It's time to get things started. I'm the most inspirational, inspirational,

celebrational, mouthtational.

in which we are going to spend the entire program doing a unique production

Robin Hood. It's going to be very terrific because our special guest is

the great ladies of the stage and screen, Miss Lynn Redgrave. And so,

further ado, or I don't, ladies and gentlemen, the Muppet players with Lynn

Redgrave proudly present Robin Hood.

I wish you all a fond hello, my name is Alan O'Dale. My hope is that we

entertain with this our evening's tale.

In Sherwood Forest, dark and deep, dwells Robin Hood and Sooth. An outlaw

his merry men, they're living fast and loose.

Fast and loose?

Come on, give me a break, I'm usually the gopher around here.

Time to cavort!

Cavort! Cavort!

How's it going?

Oh, well, looks a little bit like feeding time on a freaky farm.

Well, I'm stage managing tonight since Kermit's starring in the show.

Could you help me move some scenery?

Oh, I'm sorry, Scoots. I'd love to, but I'm on strike.

On strike?

Well, why?

Well, I don't dig all this Robin Hood jazz. I prefer things more hip and less

green.

Great. More hip and less green.

Now what am I going to do?

Hey, Bo?

Yes, sir. Could you move that scenery?

Yes. Great.

That was an easy job.

Hey, hey, hey, hold it. Oh, pretty, pretty.

Hey, cool it there.

Oh, what is it, little John?

What? You guys are not cavorting right.

This is a proper way to cavort.

Cavort, cavort, cavort, cavort, cavort, cavort.

Like that? You got it? No.

Well, you better practice, because Robin Hood will be here any minute now.

It's a note from Robin Hood. What does it say?

I'll be here any minute now.

What did I tell you?

Hi -ho, little John. Hi -ho, Robin Hood.

Hi -ho, merry men.

Hi -ho, Robin Hood.

Well rehearsed, well rehearsed. Thank you very much. Hey, the firm -made

will be here soon. and the place looks a mess. What have you been doing?

Oh, well, you see, uh... Cavorting, right?

Well, cavorting wrong, actually.

Oh,

fair maid Marian!

Oh, good Robin Hood! Didst thou have a pleasant journey?

Oh, aye, aye, for truth, but methinks I was followed by the wicked sheriff of

Nottingham's men.

You have that much time then.

Lujan. Yes. Tell the men to prepare.

Yes, sir.

Let it.

Prepare what?

To come on.

Hooray.

Hooray. It's such a lovely day.

Singing hey, down, very down, down. Ho, ho, little, ho, hey, donny, no. With a

dum, dum, diddle, dum.

Hey, where's Marion?

Marion? Marion?

Marion! Hey, Marion!

Well, I've seen a lot of versions of Robin Hood, but none to match this one.

How's that?

The others were all good.

Oh, yeah, set up the torture scene.

Oh, the torture scene's going to be real.

Nicely cavorted, Mary Matt. Nicely cavorted. Oh, you like the cavorting?

you should see us in our full frilling.

Okay, that Lynn Redgrave is wonderful as Maid Marian. It's a demanding role.

Speaking of a demanding role, I do not have a role in this production, and I

am demanding one.

You see, there's only one female part that's Maid Marian, and Lynn Redgrave is

playing that.

I said, I am demanding.

Yeah, well, let's see.

I guess there is a part here you can play.

A little rewriting. I'm sure you'd be perfect for it. Yes, yes, yes. What is

Well, it's Sister Tuck.

Sister Tuck?

No, you couldn't play Friar Tuck.

Torture?

Piggy, let me explain. Sister Tuck! Sister Tuck!

Sister Tuck!

Ring in the prisoner!

Move it! Move it!

Move it!

Please move it! Oh, there. Oh, okay.

Here she is.

Ah, Maid Marian, you are now a...

Dungeon guest of the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Oh,

no, not the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Oh, no, that's the great Gonzo. Oh, that's the Sheriff of Nottingham. Oh,

sorry. I have you in my power now, my pretty.

You black -hearted villainous swine.

Oh, you silver -tongued fly.

Will you tell me the exact location of Robin Hood's hideout? I'll never tell

you, never!

That's terrific!

Thank you.

Now it's torture time!

Just try and make me talk.

All right!

We have ways of making you talk.

Take these thumbscrews, for instance.

All right, well, what do they do? Well, you put your thumb in here like this.

Yes, yes. That's it, and then you turn the little handle on top. What, this

No, the other way. Sorry.

That's better. See, when you do that, it presses the bar down on your thumb.

That's great.

All right, now will you talk?

No, I'll never tell you, never.

All right, another turn.

You know you're wasting your time.

about that.

But you won't talk so bravely on the rack, my dear.

The rack? What's that?

You'll wish you'd never asked.

Gonzo's trying to get himself killed.

Yeah, but he won't make it.

He never succeeds at anything.

Best he can hope for is maimed.

Manacles secured hand and foot, right?

Correct.

There is no escape from this pain.

This pain here?

Yes!

Isn't that terrific?

Come on!

How much more of this can you take?

Good, Sharon.

I can take no more of this.

I've got to go and stretch out for a nap in my dressing room.

Hey,

wait. Wait. We haven't even tried the boiling oil yet.

Torture scene over.

Archery scene next.

Stand by, archers and peons.

Archers, peons.

I'm on, too.

Scooter. Come on. I got to get this out for the archery contest. Somebody give

me a hand.

You say you want a hand?

The day of the archery contest.

There isn't one seat left to sell.

The crowd on the greens packed as tight as sardines, which might also account

for the smell.

Both contestants look good to the

experts. Yes, the winner is tricky to choose, but I'll stick my neck out and

without any doubt.

Say the other guy's certain to lose.

Is that it? Is that all you can tell us? Well... As our archers warm up on the

track? But regrettably, he only gets to say, Gee!

When a practice shot cancels his act.

Black Bart is the opening archer. The sheriff of Nottingham's man.

With the strength of an ox, the nerve of a fox, And the brains of a gooseberry

plant.

The sheriff has bribed and corrupted a

youth. The rules of the contest have been.

He never hurts me. The crime doesn't pay.

He sure gets the point in the end.

So with Black Bart awarded a bullseye, there's little poor Robin can do.

Safe to trust to his luck, his nerve and his pluck.

And split Black Bart's arrow in two.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. My pleasure.

Nice concept.

During this...

It is my great pleasure to present the author of tonight's drama.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

William Shakespeare.

Delighted. You are the William Shakespeare?

I am a William Shakespeare, yeah.

Mr. Shakespeare, what an honor. Do you know I saw the sound of music at least a

dozen times?

Now, now, wait, wait, wait just a minute. This here William Shakespeare is

nom de plume.

My pen name.

Then you are not the real William Shakespeare. Oh, of course not.

Oh, of course not.

I can see that now. He was a bearded man.

And you're much younger.

And he's dead.

And he's... Is he?

Oh, I didn't. No, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize.

Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. Tell me, did he leave a wife and children?

Well, as far as I'm aware, he left just about everything, including an

unfinished play, Henry D. Yeat.

That's a tragedy.

Well, it certainly isn't a comedy.

And by adopting his name, you hope to keep something of his legend alive.

Yeah, principally his royalties.

His what?

His royalty payments.

Good. Thank you.

Tommy, could you please recite a portion of his masterpieces?

Sure, but let me get an actor to do it properly, all right? Hey, you! Excuse

Actor! Yeah, want to read this for me, please?

This is an actor?

To be or not to be?

I didn't understand all of it, but I'm certain the English people enjoyed it.

Oh,

pretty

fair maid Marion.

Thank you for joining me in this here fair glen here. Ah, good Robin Hood.

was the very spot that we first met.

Yea, verily. Yes, and I shall always remember it. And how surprised I was to

meet the famous Robin Hood.

Surprised? In what way surprised?

Um, well... I mean, was it the fact that I'm a daring robber?

Or the fact that I am debonair and handsome?

No, it was the fact that you were a frog.

You noticed that, huh?

I couldn't help noticing, particularly since I'm not one.

Listen,

Marion, don't let that worry you.

Your eyes are not bulgy.

You don't live in a swamp.

You don't hop or turn somersaults.

Your feet are not whipped.

And you never eat flies.

I'm sorry to dwell on your faults.

And yet I still love you.

I always will love you.

You shine in my mind like a dream.

And yet I still...

I know I'm an odd one. I'm not like a frog. My head is all covered

with hair.

No flippers, no bulges, no croaking, no warts. No wonder

that sometimes you stare.

And so if I love you, I really do love you.

Who cares if you're not me?

Good

Robin

Hood. Eh? Pray, kiss me sweetly.

Piggy. Piggy. Piggy.

Piggy. Piggy. Piggy. Piggy. Piggy.

What did you

think

of Miss Piggy's outfit?

I think she ought to kick the habit.

That's an old joke.

So are you.

Miss Piggy, I want to talk to you.

Oh, you mean you wish an audience with Mr.

Tucker.

No, I want to talk to you. I want to know what you did with Lynn.

Oh, remember, blessed are the meek.

What did you do with her?

What did you do with her?

Oh, that's nice.

She is in yonder dressing room. She's okay.

Yeah, but the big dungeon scene is coming up next.

I'll go tell her. Oh, no, no.

I shall tell her. It is the least that moi can do.

Town crier on stage.

Scooter, scooter. The town crier is on stage, but he can't go on.

Why not?

He lost his onion.

Ah.

I'm going to make you cry.

Will you get out of here?

Will you get out of here?

Five o 'clock and all's well.

Five o 'clock and all's well. Except that Maid Marian has been kidnapped. The

sheriff's up to no good. That dog is stealing the cheese. Kermit's mad at

and it's really only 4 .30.

So how goes the night?

Tis dark, but still.

Still what? Still dark.

Our prisoner made Marion is safe.

Yes.

Park Hanoi.

Hold fast, good sir, lest I strike you again with my quarterstaff.

That's a cheap weapon. Mine costs 50 cents.

You'll pay for that.

like a butterfly sting like a frog.

Oh, sir, Robin Hood, thou didst

might him mightily on the pate.

Uh -huh. I believe that's pate.

I'm sorry. Yes, but good men of Sherwood Forest, we must now...

Sneak away and rescue the Maid Marian. Sneak and rescue. Rescue, rescue.

We must go hushly. Hush, hush, hush.

Hark,

it is the beautiful Maid Marian.

Light.

How goes it?

not, lest I strike thee also with my quarterstaff. Ha!

Mine cost a buck ninety -five!

Wait a minute!

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

Hermit, listen, shouldn't we be doing this on the stage?

theatrical experience. Oh, thank you. We can take that as a compliment?

Um... I'll see you next time when I'm up at y 'all.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you all the little people back there.

Thank you.

Thank you.

The legend of Robin Hood will never die.

No, but it sure got wounded pretty bad tonight.