Original subtitles

Come in.

Roger Miller.

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Miller.

Okay, thank you, Scooter.

Seems kind of quiet around here for a Muppet show. When do things start

Oh, just about now.

Okay, okay.

Next question, one of this time.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest... Roger Miller!

Why don't you get things started? Why don't you get things started?

Don't look now, but I think there's penguins among us.

It's time to get things started.

Welcome to it. It is the Muppet Show. I'm Kermit the Frog, and our special

star is the one and only, sure to please or guarantee your money back, Mr. Roger

Miller. But first, but first, I ask you to picture life aboard the Mayflower as

it sailed for the New World in 1620.

What must it have been like?

Well, probably not like this.

Hey, this is terrible.

Take heart, my friend. Take heart?

66 days we've been on this terrible boat. Where are we going? Where are we

going? I'll tell you. where we're going.

They were against show business.

They were against entertainment.

This doesn't count.

Okay, very nice pilgrims. Nice going penguins. It is the pilgrim penguin.

Wait a second.

Weren't you a penguin just a minute ago?

Yeah, what happened?

I don't know, but there's somebody who might. Guns!

are an expert on chickens.

Well, I like to think so.

Okay, well, look at this right here.

Wow. Hey, you're kind of new around here, aren't you?

A minute ago, this chicken was a penguin.

So how could this have happened?

I think I know.

What? Well, it looks to me like an outbreak of... And I could use a

sting here.

Never mind the dramatic sting. An outbreak of what?

An outbreak of... Cluckitis!

Cluckitis? Yes. It's where anybody can suddenly turn into a chicken.

Anybody? Yes.

Isn't it terrific?

There's another one.

Gonzo, I've got to go on stage. Don't say anything about this.

Gee, that won't be easy.

Yeah, well, it could disrupt the show. Just act normal.

That won't be easy either.

Oh boy, it looks like it'll be one of those evenings. But if we're lucky,

be one of these evenings. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the king of

road, Mr. Roger Miller!

Yay!

In the summertime, when all the trees and leaves are green.

¶¶

One time you used to smile and wave to me and walk with me, but now you don't

because you don't want my love.

Some other guy is taking up all your time. Now you don't have any time for me

because you don't want my love. Well, you don't seem to care.

When all the trees and leaves are green, the redbird sings all the blues.

Cause you don't want my love.

Once again now, one more time.

Arthur,

Arthur! Don't you mean author, author?

His name's Arthur. Arthur Miller.

No, no, no. It's Roger Miller.

Oh.

Roger! Roger!

Hey.

Have you always been a chicken?

Been working pretty hard, huh, boss?

Maybe you need a vacation.

You heard, huh? Yeah. Do you want to talk about it?

Maybe a little later, Scooter. Ah -choo!

Scooter, you want to talk about it now?

Listen,

you'll never understand this, but people are suddenly turning into chickens.

No.

Oh, clockitis, huh?

Look, look, I don't want the rest of the cast to know about this, Scooter. Just

don't say anything, huh? Yeah, but as soon as I talk, they'll know.

Well, so don't talk.

From now on, just make chicken sounds.

I'm going upstairs, just a second, to see how things are upstairs.

Wait a minute, Scooter. What's on next?

Oh, uh, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck.

Scooter, bear on patrol.

Told me to talk like a chicken.

And now...

Ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on patrol.

All right, you, come on, come on, come on. Come on. Sir, Sergeant, I have

just captured this dastardly criminal.

Oh, what's the charge?

Assaulting an officer.

Sir. Did you actually strike this poor patrol bear while he was out ridding the

world of evil?

Oh, I don't know what come over me.

Ha!

Oh, what a report this will make.

I'd like a complete and accurate description of everything you did.

Complete? And totally accurate.

What the pig said.

Okay, first I kicked him in the shins. In the shins he did. Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, no, that hurt.

Oh, not again. Like last time.

Is that exactly how you did it? Well, not exactly.

Really, it was more like this.

Harder. Harder?

Oh, not at all. The other one.

Very good.

And then what?

Well, then I punched him in the jaw.

Wait, you don't have to do that.

Punched him in the jaw.

Wait a minute.

This is not right.

No, you're right. First, I punched you in the jaw.

And then I kicked you.

You what?

Thank you very much.

Accuracy is important.

Yeah. Well, the next thing was I grabbed him by the collar and I made squishy,

squishy. We didn't know.

No, not that again. Please don't. Come on.

Squishy, squishy.

Squishy, squishy.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Hold on. Patrol Bear, I think this is all a

mistake. What do you mean?

Well, this man has been very cooperative with the police.

What? I don't think we should press charges.

Sir, you are free to go.

This what?

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Patrol Bear, you're a mess.

Can't you do something about your appearance?

That will do very nicely, Patrol Bear.

Oh, hey, Uncle Kermit.

Is it true there's an epidemic sweeping the Muppet Theater and we're all turning

into chickens?

Yes, it is true, Robin. But be quiet about it, because I don't want to spread

the news around.

Especially, I don't want to worry Roger about it. So, I mean, it's really very

embarrassing. I understand, Uncle Kermit. Yeah, so whatever you do, if you

Roger, do not tell him that we're turning into chickens.

Okay.

Hi,

guys. What's happening?

We're not turning into chickens.

I see.

So you're not turning into chickens, huh? Right.

Well,

listen, goodbye, Robin. Hello, little chicken. Come on, let me show you to

coop.

I'll just introduce you, Roger.

Well, I think I'll go on stage and not turn into a turkey.

Mr. Miller has written a number of songs with a delightful nuttiness that seems

particularly appropriate to our show. Here he is with one of them, ladies and

gentlemen, Mr. Roger Miller.

Tell me where I could find a hat like that.

Hey, old chap, where'd you get the cap?

Where'd you get a cap like that?

If I told you why I would do it, I could find a hat

like that.

And that topper is a topper and you can't top that. So if you got

the bread, I say why not spend it for something for your head?

Oh, hey, Herbie, where'd you get the Derby words?

You get a hat like that? Yeah.

Why would you tell me where?

I could find a hat like that.

Great support, one with me down at the old bull and bush.

Here's a little German band.

Just let me hold your hand here.

Two, two, I'll never drink for two down at the old bull and bush.

Talk about the state of the sheltering wall.

The bamboo tree with its wide -spreading charm There's a little watch down our

old haptic town You know the place, it has gone right for me now Often with

my sweetheart on a bright summer's day To the little pub there my footsteps

stray If she hesitates when she looks at the sign All of you join in a

glass of good wine

Yeah.

Come in.

Excuse me, Roger. Are you busy? Oh, no, Kermit. Come on in.

Well, you know, I'm sorry I haven't had more time to talk to you, but things

have been a little hectic around here today. Oh, I understand. How's the show

going, really?

Fine, fine.

Oh? Any problems?

No, no.

Smoothest show ever.

We're looking forward to your final number.

Oh, good.

I only hope I don't turn chicken before I do it.

What? Why?

Oh, I just mean stage nerves. You know, I always get them.

Oh, good.

Well, I mean, good that a big star like you still gets chickens.

I mean, butterflies.

Hey, Kermit, you'll never guess what happened.

Wait a minute. I recognize that voice.

Isn't that Lou Zealand?

No. Yeah.

That chicken really looks convincing.

Oh, glad you like it.

Golly. Hey, tell me something, Lou.

Are you still doing that, what you call the boomerang, the fish boomerang? Fish

act is what it is. Oh, yeah, sure.

But I've had to make a couple of changes.

What kind of changes? Well, I'm calling it...

New Zealand and his boomerang egg act.

I see where that's going.

Yeah, you see, I throw the eggs away.

I

gotta

say it. These are the yolks, folks.

Exactly.

Hospital next? Veterinarian's Hospital?

Uh, Gonzo?

Yes, Kermit.

Oh, hello, ladies.

Uh -oh.

Chicken's out of time.

Yeah, listen. Yes, what? Gonzo, do you have that list of everybody who's turned

into a chicken? Oh, I sure do, Kermit. Right, right here. Okay, let's see.

so far, it's Scooter, Animal, Fozzie, Floyd, Janice, New Zealand.

Will you get out of here, chicken?

Oh, yeah?

Chicken this!

Hurry!

weren't named to that list.

And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.

Quack, quack. The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dog.

More like a dog that's gone to the quack.

Dr.

Bob, chickens do not quack. They do when they're young.

They do? Sure. If you drop an egg, it'll quack.

Dr. Bob, are you ready for the first patient?

No, I'm ready for the second patient.

Oh, what's the matter with the first patient?

I don't know. That's why I want the second patient. Here she is, Dr. Bob.

Oh, no, another chicken.

Yeah, if they keep bringing in chickens, we're going to be here 24 hours.

What do you mean?

We'll have to work around the clock.

And so we come to the end of another veterinarian's hospital.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say... Dr. Bob, shall we give the

chicken a transfusion? No, that won't do.

What will do?

Cock -a -doodle -doo!

These chickens sure make for a different show.

Yeah, but it'll all add up to the same old turkey.

Sorry about all this stuff, but some very strange things have been going on

tonight, ladies and gentlemen. But I think everything is now under control as

once again present our very special guest.

Oh, darn.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roger Miller.

Well, I hear, Chell, you're doing well. Good things have come to you.

I wish I had your happiness and you had it too. I could do, I could do, I could

do, I could do, I could do. I see you going down the street in your big

Cadillac. You got girls in the front and got girls in the back. In the way of

the back, you got money in the back. Both hands on the wheel and your

right back.

Right here in the cell, you're doing well. Good things have come to you.

I wish I had your good luck charm. You had a few wackadoo, wackadoo, wackadoo,

wackadoo, wackadoo.

One night, for no particular reason, I wrote this little song.

Dang me.

Dang. Little man, hang me.

High from the highest tree.

Woman, would you weep for me?

It's a purple sugar sweet and so is maple syrup.

And I'm the seventh out of seven sons.

Bappy's a pistol, I'm the son of a gun. It's a dang me, dang me.

They ought to take a rope and hang me.

High from the highest tree.

Woman, would you weep for me?

One more time.

Hey, my uncle used to love me, but she died.

A chicken ain't chicken till it's looking good fried.

Keep on the sunny side.

My uncle used to love me, but she died.

Who bid me quarter, thirty cents for a ring of keys? Three, sixty -five for a

dollar bill of groceries. They'll have me carm on some day, but tell them I

a ride.

My uncle used to love me, but she died. My uncle used to love me, but she died.

For those of you who just might happen to be into buffaloes, well, you can't

roller skate in a buffalo herd.

Can't roller skate in a buffalo herd. Can't roller skate in a buffalo herd.

can be happy if you've a mind to.

You can't take a shower in a parakeet cage.

You can't take a shower in a parakeet cage. You can't take a shower in a

parakeet cage.

You can be happy if you've a mind to.

All you got to do is put your mind to it. Knuckle down, buckle down.

Well, you can't roll or skate in a buffalo herd.

You can't roll or skate in a buffalo herd. You can't buffalo in a buffalo

You can be happy if you've a mind to.

Okay, well, we've just about reached the end of our show, and I must say it has

been a foul one.

But before we go, this is Kermit the Chicken asking for one last round of

applause for our guest star, Mr. Rogers.

Correct me if I'm wrong, Kermit.

You have turned into a chicken, haven't you?

Oh, it is so humiliating, Roger.

Everybody has.

You know, you know what it is. I think you have cluckitis.

What? You've heard of cluckitis?

Oh, I had it one time. But it's nothing really for you to worry about, Kermit.

Because in a few days, it'll go away and you'll be just like you always were.

But until then, you'll look great.

We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show.

Thank you.

I bet you were expecting chickens.

Woof, woof, woof.