Original subtitles

Oh, Marisa Berenson, 35 seconds to curtain, Miss Berenson. Thank you.

Oh, Scooter, who does all this luggage belong to?

Oh, didn't you know? It's a gift to you from the show.

Now, wait a minute.

This isn't some kind of weird Muppet luggage that's going to blow up or turn

into cheese like everything else on this strange show.

No, no, no. It's just regular alligator luggage.

Oh, good.

The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Marisa Berenson.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Why don't you get things started?

Why don't we leave? Where would we go?

It's time to get things started. I'm the most inspirational, inspirational,

celebrational, motivational.

This is what we call.

where tonight's special guest star is the beautiful international film star

Marisa Berenson. But first, on our show we've done traditional dances from many

countries, but never Russia.

Well, tonight their luck has run out.

Thank you.

Russian pig dance.

Oh, boy.

If you like that act, you're going to love mine.

Who are you?

New Zealand and his boomerang fish act.

Woo!

New Zealand and his boomerang fish act? Oh, yeah. Hey, it's razzle -dazzle.

I'm sorry, but I'm not booking any highbrow acts just now.

Well, think about it, okay?

Come on, Seymour. You need a bath.

to me, can you? Well, I can, but it hurts a lot.

Is that the sketch there?

Yes, it is, yes.

Well, tell me about it.

It's a secret.

What? I'll tell you the title.

Okay, what is the title of the closing sketch?

The Wedding.

It's kind of busy just now.

Ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star, the lovely and talented

Marisa Berry!

I'm sorry.

Did you like that number?

Pick up! My hearing aid's busted!

Did you like that number?

I liked what I heard!

What did you hear?

Did you like that number? I tell you, it's terrific!

Yeah, you see, I throw the fish into the air, they sail away, and then

they come back to me!

Yeah, well, I... I don't care about boomerang fish acts. Oh, you will.

They're coming back.

Oh, Miss Piggy. Oh, um, yes. Hello, Kermie. Piggy, come back here.

Oh, Kermie, how aggressive and manly you sound.

Never mind the sweet talk. I just want to know more about this wedding sketch.

I mean, I've got to learn my lines.

Well, you only have one line.

I do?

Exactly.

I mean. Besides, the thing you forget is that I don't.

Well, Kermie, it's just a simple comedy sketch.

Oh, yeah, well, I know that.

A comedy sketch, Kermie.

It's not as if you were a real minister.

Now you are a real minister, right?

you to the wild world of Muppet Sports.

Today finds us at the National Wig Racing Championship.

Wig racing?

Well, luckily, I have one of the trainers here who may be able to

Uh, yes, sir.

Today is my first time out wig racing, sir, or do you call this a derby? Uh,

sir. This is a wig.

This is a derby.

Well, I call this wig Greased Lightning.

Because it's speedy? No, because it's greasy.

Don't you use a shampoo?

No, sir, I do not use shampoo for my wigs. Only use real poo.

Nothing but the best poo for my wigs.

Yes,

well, it's a traditional wedding, you see. Something old, something new,

something borrowed, and something green.

Sounds like a real wedding to me, rather than a sketch.

Oh, well, it's, um...

Tighter? Tighter?

Tighter? I gotta go down three sizes.

I'm going to an awful lot of trouble.

How long does this sketch last?

Till death do us part.

All right, now listen, kid.

Just on the count of three, pull. Ready?

One, two.

Marisa, you're wanted on stage in a minute.

Then how do you know what I'm saying?

I don't. Oh.

Doe, a deer, a female deer.

Ray, a drop of golden sun.

See, a name I call myself.

Blah, a long, long way to run.

So, a needle pulling thread.

Blah, I know to follow.

A drink with Jim and Brad.

Me?

Me, a name I call myself.

A long, long way to run.

So, a needle pulling thread.

La, ain't no two for those two.

Tea, a drink with Jim and Brad.

Go. Go, a deer, a female.

Go. Go, a deer, a female.

A name I call myself.

I should be bold.

A beer, a female beer. Go away.

Now just listen to me.

Me and my shadow.

To bring a note of culture to the show, is the set changed yet?

Yeah, it's okay.

Okay, here is the lovely and talented Miss Marisa Berenson.

Well, a man came to our house, our house, our house. A man came to our

sell us some rooms.

Yes,

you're always welcome in our house, and we hope you will stay.

The lady came to find out why I was not in school. So we asked her to come in

and we gave her some poison lemonade and hid her in the freezer where it's nice

and cool.

The kid came into our yard to get his ball. So we asked him to come in and we

took him in the basement and we sealed him up inside the basement wall.

But you're always welcome in our house any time of the

day. Yes, you are.

Come to our house We will have fun We will ask you to come in And we will take

you in the kitchen We will put you in the oven Until you are done But you're

always welcome In our house Any time of the day

Yes you're always welcome In our house

You know, I'll have to take one look at this wedding cake and I feel like

crying. Heaven knows why.

Oh, well, Gaspard, there's a cake and a onions.

You what?

Onions. Well, onions and a wedding cake.

Oh, yeah.

Onions would be good for the sinuses.

Clears the head.

Yeah. And this cake will clear the church.

Oh, curse these flies.

Hear what you say? I like something on the side.

Well, there already is something on the side.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Aside from the raw onions, it's a nice cake, Chef.

Yeah, because if you're into her, this is the piggy brady.

I can see it's just as light as a feather. Yeah.

Can't say the same for the bride.

Hey, hey, come on. Let me throw one fish. Just one fish.

Then you'll see.

Listen, when I book a boomerang fish act on this show, some very warm places

will freeze over.

Thanks a lot.

I'll wait over there.

Hey, Kermit, there's this dear little old lady in the audience who wants your

autograph for her sick grandson. Sign here. Oh, okay, yeah.

Hey, listen, is everything ready for this dumb wedding sketch?

Sure. The set's on stage. Everyone's in costume. You sign the license. You sign

the autograph.

Oh, nothing.

Just go ahead. Introduce the wedding.

Go ahead.

Well, today, folks, Miss Piggy has prepared a silly wedding sketch.

Naturally, it's just for fun. Excuse me.

What is it? Can we start soon? I'm saying Vespers at St.

Anne's in half an hour.

And now the wedding sketch.

Oh, Marisa, do I look all right?

You look radiant, my dear.

You sure this is going to be funny?

Trust me.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this pig and this

frog in holy wedlock.

I guess everyone cries at weddings.

No cries at weddings.

Hey!

If there is anyone present who knows why this pig and this frog should not be

joined in matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Do it!

Do you, piggy?

take this frog to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Kermit, take this pig to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I... I am.

Biggie's wedding sketch.

That's not the finish. This is the finish.

Well,

time seems to be running out not only for the show, but for me.

So let us quickly welcome back the lovely and talented Miss Marisa!

you mind saying good night for me me how exciting exciting marisa you ain't seen

nothing yet what do i say well we'll just say we'll see you next time

If you guys let me hide here, I'll give you tickets to next week's show.