All language subtitles for The Muppet Show - s02e20 - Jaye P. Morgan

J .P. Morgan?

J .P. Morgan?

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Morgan.

Oh, Scooter, I have a little present for
you. Oh, gee, thanks.

Hey, this is a... This is not going to
be just another cute puppet show.

This is a puppet show with our very
special guest star, Miss J .P. Morgan.

a joke tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Let's get this turkey on the road.

It's time to get things started on the
most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, momentational, this is
what we call

one of those things entitled The Muppet
Show. And starting off, we are going to

do the very first piece of material the
Muppets ever did.

No kidding, it was a little song
entitled Tweedledee Dee, and we first

about 23 years ago.

But tonight, we have a new and very cute
version of it done by our very special

guest star, ladies and gentlemen, J .P.
Moore!

I'm as happy as can be.

Jiminy Cricket, Jiminy Jack, you make my
heart go clickety -clack.

Tweedly, Tweedly, Tweedly Dee.

Tweedly, Tweedly Dee, what am I doing
here?

I mean, this is really corny. I flew 8
,000 miles to be here. The plane was

late. I haven't slept.

and I'm dressing with a bunch of pigs.

Then they put me in this bird brain
costume.

Want me to be cute. The feathers smell
like a skunk.

Then I gotta sing.

Sweet lady, sweet lady.

Give it back, give it back, give your
love to me.

Sweet...

I'm getting sick, too.

In fact, you're one cute chamber, J .P.

Oh, terrific. Now they're making bad
jokes on my name.

I thought it was funny.

This is the worst.

I mean, what are you going to ask me to
do next?

Modulate, J .P. Modulate!

Woo -hoo!

You're as sweet as bubblegum. Going into
a coma.

Mercy, mercy.

that money can't buy.

Tweedly, Tweedly, Tweedly Dum.

Dum is right.

Tweed...

was for the birds.

You had to do that joke, huh?

One of us had to, and I lost the toss.

Okay, way to go, bird.

Back to your dressing, yes.

Oh, J .P., hey, that was a terrific
number.

It was?

Oh, it really was.

I just can't tell you what a thrill it
is to have you on the show.

Ah, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to
say so.

I'd like to say I'm really indifferent
about being here.

Indifferent? Yeah, well, you know what I
mean. But what's wrong? That last

number was terrific. It was really cute.

Yeah, it was cute, wasn't it? Oh, it
was. It was just so cute.

I hate cute.

We're in trouble.

Listen, J .P., we're not all cute around
here.

Oh, J .P.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sausage. Sausage. Sausage. Sausage.

Sausage. Sausage. Sausage.

Sausage.

Now, wait just a minute. That's the
second time tonight they've used a bomb

choke.

Three is a charm.

Hey, bang up job, chef.

Did Ted come in? I am. How's JP?

Oh, she's fine. She was a little upset
because the opening number was cute, but

she's okay now. Good. I just sent up a
cake to her dressing room.

Wait.

to take it with you on the table? Uh,
yeah, why?

Oh, crazy Harry Beckett.

Hey, Kermit, can we

get back to the cute part?

Uh, JP, I'll be right up. Uh, Fonzie, go
introduce the next... Yes, yes, yes,

yes.

Hey, Kermit wants me to do the next
introduction.

Oh, yeah?

Well, he's the only one who does.

Hey, hey, come on, guys. No heckling. I
mean, I'm not even out here to tell

jokes. Have you ever been?

Hey, you know that that bear is funny.

You're right. In fact, I never enjoyed
you more than I did last week. Oh, well,

I didn't do an act last week.

I rest my case. No!

Ladies and gentlemen, here is Gonzo the
Great with a trumpet solo, Flight of the

Bumblebee. That does it. I'm leaving.

You know, the trouble with women is they
always take things personally.

I don't.

The trouble with men is that they're all
too wishy -washy.

Well, sometimes yes, sometimes no.

The trouble with you is you can't take
criticism.

Oh, that's a low -down rotten lie. What
do you mean I can't take criticism?

The trouble with you is you can't...
defeated i am not although i have every

reason to be the trouble with you is
you're always sticking your nose into

everybody's business and what choice
have i got you

know the trouble with you is you're so
stubborn you refuse to change

Just terrible.

No, I mean, so far on this show, I've
been attacked by animal and two

have gone off next to me. I'm starting
to feel like a moving target around

Well, let me explain about those
explosions. You see, on this show,

are one of our trademarks.

I can believe that.

In fact, on this show, things blow up
all the time. I mean, anything can blow

up.

You see what I mean?

Wow.

How'd you do that?

it was really quite simple.

In fact, it's rather fun.

I guess you could say you got a bang out
of it, huh?

Well, you could say that, but we did
that joke last year. Check.

Oh, what else could we talk about?

How about your hat? Oh, great idea.

You know, explosions are one of your
trademarks. Well, spectacular hats are

of mine.

Oh, that one is fantastic.

I particularly wanted to wear this one
on the Muppet show, too.

Well, where is that?

I guess you could say I blew my top.

Yeah, well, you could say that, but we
did that joke last year.

Thank you.

Well, JP, I think this talk spot is
about over. Shall we leave? Why not?

After you.

We'll never see them again.

Well, we can always hope.

And now, Pigs in Space!

Starring the fatuous Captain Link
Hogthrob, the recalcitrant first mate

Piggy,

And the describable Dr.

Strangepork. When last we left the
spaceship's wind track, it was in

danger as it plummeted towards Earth at
an alarming rate.

Oh, Dr.

Strangepork, why are we plummeting
toward Earth at an alarming rate?

We've lost the number three engine.

Well, how long will it take to fix it?
We can't. It's really lost. It fell off.

Is there anything we can do?

Yes, we can maintain... our present
altitude if we lighten the weight of the

rocket ship.

How much weight will we have to toss
overboard?

One pig.

Yeah, that should do it.

Rather drastic, isn't it?

Oh, I wasn't thinking of you, Link.
You're the captain.

Well, then perhaps it isn't so drastic.

Well, I would volunteer myself except
that I'm the only one who knows how all

this technical stuff works.

That's very true. Well, if it isn't you
or me.

Well,

I just finished doing the laundry.

Oh, well, thank you, First Mate Piggy.
But I'm telling you right now, that is

the last laundry this pig is doing.

You can say that again.

Uh, uh, Miss Piggy, I have a new
assignment for you.

Oh, yes, my cup of ten.

Uh, Dr. Strangeport, do you mind?

Oh, of course. I'll see you later, Link.

Bon voyage, Miss Piggy.

Weird exit line.

Uh, uh, First Mate Piggy, I need your
help.

Yes, a real assignment, yes, yes.

We are losing altitude.

must lighten the weight of the rocket by
throwing something overboard.

Oh, and you want me to help you decide
what?

No. Oh? We've already decided what.

What?

Are you out

of your mind?

No hard feelings, I hope, Miss Piggy. No
hard feelings?

carrying the London Symphony Orchestra
has been forced to jettison some of the

musical instruments.

Oh, well, Uncle JP, sir,

I think you'll find that things around
your theater here are just the same as

they were last time you came.

That bad, huh?

Well, I'll just have a look around.

I believe in giving the frog a fair...

Hey, Kermit, I think you should know
that my uncle J .P. Gross, the man who

this theater, is making another
inspection.

Oh, not J .P. I don't think I can take
it. Of all the people I can't stand to

have around here when we're doing a
show, J .P. is the worst.

I mean, J .P. is without a doubt the
most difficult, impossible,

Oh,

hi, J .P.

Oh, J .P.

When I said J .P. just now, I didn't
mean J .P., J .P. I meant J .P., J .P.,

know what I mean? No.

Right. Wrong.

You see, I love having you on the show,
but J .P. Gross, the man who owns this

theater, is the meanest, stingiest, most
heartless person I know.

I hope you mean that as a compliment,
Frog.

I think I just put both feet in my
mouth.

and gentlemen, today I talk to you of
crime.

A matter of utmost urgency.

We must all be forever on our guard
against this rising wave of banditry.

Yes, yes, banditry and stolen documents.

Or our entire universe is in danger of
being stolen from under us.

My friends, my friends, I caution you to
keep out an eagle eye for

the blackguards and rapscallions who are
perpetrating this reign of latrociny.

Latrociny, that means stealing.

What if it weren't for my own eternal
vigilance? And, and, and, and...

absolute awareness of crime.

I am certain that the rising legions of
sneak thieves and ne 'er -do -wells and

snakes in the grasses would strip this
theater fair.

Now, remember, make watchfulness

your watchword.

Thank you, and good night.

Wait a minute!

I now realize television has one major
advantage over a live stage show.

Oh? What's that?

A television you can turn off.

Hey,

you guys better return that eagle!

In about 30 days! Or more.

Chief? What's the closing number?

Oh, it's a song with J .P. Morgan. I
think it's gonna be great. At least I

so, because we've been a little rough on
her.

It's a perfect song for J .P., that old
black magic. I only hope J .P. will do

it. Ah, if the price is right, I'll do
it.

Always wanted to sing.

Oh, boy, having two J .P.'s around is
really rough.

Glad you recognize talent, kid.

Maybe I'll let you keep the theater.

Now, let's talk about the singing
contract.

Well, you see, J .P., I'd really love
for you to sing, and I'm sure you've got

swell singing voice. Yeah, well.

Hey, Scooter, go introduce J .P. Morgan
while I handle this. Yeah, good luck,

Silver Tongue.

No,

um... All right, we're not done.

Well, uh... Oh, boy.

Ladies and gentlemen... Here's one of
the really super ladies of song, Miss J

.P. Morgan with that old black magic.

Old black

magic has been felt.

Black magic that you weave so well.

I see fingers up and down my spine.

Down and down I go. Down and down I go.
Like a leaf caught in the tide.

I should stay away. What can I do?

I hear your name and I'm aflame.

Aflame. With burning desire.

Put on your kiss.

What? The mate that fate has me created
for. And every time your lips meet

mine. Baby!

Round and round I go. Round and round I
go. In a spin.

Loving a spin I'm in.

Under that old black magic called love.

Uh -huh, in a spin.

Loving a spin I'm in.

Under that old black magic called love.

like magic cola.

A flame with such burning desire.

Not only your kiss.

Put out the fire!

Well, you're the lover I have waited
for.

You're the

Under that old black magic called love.
Under

that old black magic called love.

Under that old black magic.

special guest, our ladies and gentlemen,
J .P. Morgan!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You
know, I've been

blown up, beaten up, insulted.

Everything's happened to me, but I've
had a great time. I mean it. Oh, well,

tends to be like that around here.

And now for my first song.

Now, I'd like to dedicate this to all
the boys down at... J .P. Gross

Agency. Now, damn it, I'm running. Can't
get enough.

Just keep running.

Just keep running. Just keep running.

Just keep running. Just keep running.

Tomorrow at 7 on The Muppet Show, a
Muppet transporter pops assorted

as well as guest star Peter Sellers in
and out of the show.

Coming up next on Happy Days.

Richie's attracted to an older woman.

I wonder if anybody watches this show
besides us.

Besides me.