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All language subtitles for The Muppet Show - s02e15 - Judy Collins

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,160 --> 00:00:02,160 Judy Collins? 2 00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:04,620 Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Collins. 3 00:00:05,180 --> 00:00:06,180 I'm ready. 4 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:08,020 I'm ready for anything. 5 00:00:45,450 --> 00:00:46,690 It's time to put on makeup. 6 00:00:46,930 --> 00:00:48,650 It's time to dress up right. 7 00:00:49,030 --> 00:00:50,850 It's time to get things started. 8 00:00:51,110 --> 00:00:52,570 Do we have to watch this? 9 00:00:53,290 --> 00:00:56,810 It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, 10 00:00:57,370 --> 00:01:01,050 celebrational, marketational. This is why. 11 00:01:18,830 --> 00:01:22,450 for you tonight because we have with us one of the most beautiful and talented 12 00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:27,110 singers in the entire world. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. It's about 13 00:01:27,110 --> 00:01:31,970 time you said something nice about me. I was referring to Miss Judy Collins. 14 00:01:33,350 --> 00:01:35,070 Oh, him. 15 00:01:37,670 --> 00:01:40,330 Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins. 16 00:01:51,790 --> 00:01:52,790 Oh, hello there. 17 00:01:53,190 --> 00:01:58,330 Hi. There's a little brown leather -winged bat. I'll tell you the reason 18 00:01:58,370 --> 00:02:03,150 the reason that I fly in the night. It's because I've lost my heart's delight. 19 00:02:03,910 --> 00:02:05,970 Howdy -dowdy -diddle all day. 20 00:02:06,390 --> 00:02:08,389 Howdy -dowdy -diddle all day. 21 00:02:08,889 --> 00:02:11,090 Howdy -dowdy -diddle all day. 22 00:02:11,390 --> 00:02:13,070 Howdy -dowdy -diddle. 23 00:02:14,130 --> 00:02:18,990 I have to go and sing now with Woodpecker. Find out what howdy -dowdy 24 00:02:18,990 --> 00:02:20,410 means. I will. 25 00:02:24,490 --> 00:02:28,850 There's a woodpecker sitting on the fence. Once I caught it a handsome 26 00:02:28,870 --> 00:02:31,090 She got saucy and from me fled. 27 00:02:31,530 --> 00:02:33,690 Ever since then my head's been red. 28 00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:36,130 Howdy dowdy diddle all day. 29 00:02:36,550 --> 00:02:38,650 Howdy dowdy diddle all day. 30 00:02:39,010 --> 00:02:41,310 Howdy dowdy diddle all day. 31 00:02:41,550 --> 00:02:43,630 How dowdy diddy diddy do. 32 00:02:43,990 --> 00:02:46,310 What does how dowdy diddy diddy do mean? 33 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:56,720 Thank you. 34 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,940 Forget the 200 and let them go straight to jail. Right. 35 00:03:48,340 --> 00:03:50,060 Hello, boy. Look who's here. 36 00:03:51,020 --> 00:03:52,600 Oh, Kermit, you know my uncle. 37 00:03:52,820 --> 00:03:53,820 J .P. Gross. 38 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:57,480 Yeah, I own the theater and the ground it stands on and the mineral rights 39 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,220 underneath it. In fact, I probably own you too, Frog. 40 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:02,360 Uh, yeah. 41 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,380 Make a note. See if we own the Frog. If not, take an option. 42 00:04:06,660 --> 00:04:09,820 Uh, well, J .P., I suppose you're here on a little inspection tour? 43 00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:13,260 Yeah, well, you could call it that. Uh -huh. Well, attendance is up right now. 44 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:14,960 Revenue is up. Just about everything is up, sir. 45 00:04:15,180 --> 00:04:16,959 Yeah, well, the theater's coming down. 46 00:04:17,380 --> 00:04:20,360 What? Yeah, I'm tearing it down, putting in a junkyard. 47 00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:21,839 But why? 48 00:04:22,180 --> 00:04:26,340 Because there's more money in real junk than this junk you got here. Go and get 49 00:04:26,340 --> 00:04:27,340 this well dry. 50 00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:32,360 Don't forget the option on the frog. Get a lean on his legs. 51 00:04:35,060 --> 00:04:37,060 I think my stock just dropped. 52 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:57,080 first mate, Miss Piggy, and the ubiquitous Dr. Julius Strangepork. 53 00:04:58,020 --> 00:05:02,720 Last week, the spaceship Swine Trek was rapidly approaching the electrifying mid 54 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:03,900 -course correction maneuver. 55 00:05:06,060 --> 00:05:08,340 Stand by for mid -course correction. 56 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,960 Oh, isn't this electrifying? 57 00:05:11,220 --> 00:05:13,460 Dr. Strangepork, ready to kelp me down. 58 00:05:13,860 --> 00:05:18,020 Oh, Captain Link, would it be all right if I performed the mid -course 59 00:05:18,020 --> 00:05:19,300 correction? Oh. 60 00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:24,420 for 11 years. 61 00:05:24,860 --> 00:05:26,540 Still, you are a woman. 62 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,800 Yes, Captain, just as you are a man. 63 00:05:30,540 --> 00:05:33,980 Technically, you're both pigs, but we know what you're talking about. 64 00:05:34,340 --> 00:05:37,980 Oh, Captain, may I please perform the maneuver? 65 00:05:38,340 --> 00:05:39,820 Well, I suppose so. 66 00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:41,740 Oh, thank you, Herr Capitan. 67 00:05:42,220 --> 00:05:45,480 25 seconds to mid -course correction. 68 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,700 Oh, First Mate Piggy, don't forget which button to push. 69 00:05:49,310 --> 00:05:53,210 I know which button to push. I studied it for 11 years. 70 00:05:53,630 --> 00:05:54,650 15 seconds. 71 00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:57,850 It's this button right here. I know it's that button. 72 00:05:58,170 --> 00:05:59,170 10 seconds. 73 00:05:59,250 --> 00:06:01,350 Just push it when he tells you. I know, I know. 74 00:06:01,610 --> 00:06:06,490 5 seconds. Don't push my piggy. Will you shut up? Don't tell me to shut up. I'm 75 00:06:06,490 --> 00:06:07,249 your captain. 76 00:06:07,250 --> 00:06:09,850 Now, push the button. Push the button. 77 00:06:10,210 --> 00:06:11,210 Push the button. 78 00:06:12,650 --> 00:06:14,930 If you don't push that button, I'll push it myself. 79 00:07:00,179 --> 00:07:07,140 I just want it known that following that last piece of material, I 80 00:07:07,140 --> 00:07:12,680 am disassociating myself from this whole weird sick show. 81 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:24,940 At this time, we have a very special... Look, I'm trying to make an 82 00:07:24,940 --> 00:07:27,660 introduction. Oh, go right ahead. I'm just checking the floor. 83 00:07:30,340 --> 00:07:33,780 Ladies and gentlemen... Make a note. Some of these boards are rotten. 84 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:35,360 That's too bad. 85 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:38,680 You know, if you dried your flippers before you came out here, this wouldn't 86 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:39,680 happen. 87 00:07:42,340 --> 00:07:45,000 Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins. 88 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,760 I know an old lady who swallowed a fly. 89 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,640 I don't know why she swallowed that fly. 90 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,340 I guess I'll die. 91 00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:09,940 I know an old lady who swallowed a spider that wriggled and tickled and 92 00:08:09,940 --> 00:08:11,040 jiggled inside her. 93 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:16,140 She swallowed the spider to catch the fly, but I don't know why she swallowed 94 00:08:16,140 --> 00:08:17,140 the fly. 95 00:08:31,980 --> 00:08:35,980 She swallowed the bird to catch the spider that wriggled and tickled and 96 00:08:35,980 --> 00:08:36,980 inside her. 97 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,419 She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. 98 00:09:04,550 --> 00:09:05,730 She swallowed this. 99 00:09:34,060 --> 00:09:35,100 She swallowed the spoon. 100 00:10:05,550 --> 00:10:07,950 She swallowed the spider to catch the... 101 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,440 Someone so rich could be so good -looking. 102 00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:13,360 Yeah, listen, I don't want excuses. Just get the widow's wheelchair. 103 00:11:13,820 --> 00:11:19,140 Hello. My name is Miss Piggy, the singing star of the Muppet Show. 104 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:20,360 Well, sue them. 105 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,300 I wonder, would you like to hear me sing? 106 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,600 Yeah. 107 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,460 but he was gonna get hurt around here. 108 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,420 unfortunate creature, the Cusbanian fube. 109 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,780 Thank you, thank you. I'm pleased to be here. As a matter of fact, I'm pleased 110 00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:32,780 to be anywhere. 111 00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:36,380 I can believe that because, you see, folks, the fube is known as the most 112 00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:38,040 delicious creature on Cusbane. 113 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:42,540 That's true. We have a saying on this world. I never met a fube I didn't like, 114 00:12:42,660 --> 00:12:44,020 especially with mushroom gravy. 115 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:48,660 I suppose this tends to hold down the fube population pretty effectively. 116 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:49,920 Not really. 117 00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,020 Actually, my species is flourishing. 118 00:12:52,460 --> 00:12:54,760 Really? Well, how do you manage that? Evolution. 119 00:12:55,530 --> 00:12:56,690 I don't think I understand. 120 00:12:57,090 --> 00:12:59,970 We foods tend to evolve rather faster than most creatures. 121 00:13:00,330 --> 00:13:02,330 Well, what do you evolve into? 122 00:13:02,670 --> 00:13:03,950 Oh, you know, whatever's handy. 123 00:13:05,050 --> 00:13:06,370 I beg your pardon? 124 00:13:06,930 --> 00:13:10,110 We try to blend in with the crowd as best we can. 125 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,210 Say, are you changing? 126 00:13:12,610 --> 00:13:17,210 Evolving. Evolving is the accurate term. Yeah, but you're starting to look 127 00:13:17,210 --> 00:13:19,910 familiar. I should certainly hope so. 128 00:13:20,610 --> 00:13:22,110 This is very weird. 129 00:13:24,330 --> 00:13:25,490 Even your clothes are the same. 130 00:13:25,730 --> 00:13:28,390 It's called the survival of the trench -coated. 131 00:13:28,830 --> 00:13:30,670 But you can't do this. 132 00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:35,350 This is Kermit the Frog returning you to... I'm Kermit the Frog! I am! I am! 133 00:13:37,690 --> 00:13:43,330 These are Kermit the Frog returning you to the Muppet Show. 134 00:13:43,570 --> 00:13:44,810 You can't do that! 135 00:13:46,930 --> 00:13:48,210 I'm the real Kermit, folks. 136 00:13:49,530 --> 00:13:50,530 Wonderful! 137 00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:11,120 Stadler, there aren't too many people on this show I'd like to talk to. 138 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,040 Well, I can understand that. 139 00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:14,500 They're kind of weird. 140 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,240 Weird is too nice a word. 141 00:14:18,220 --> 00:14:22,480 But you and your friend seem to be very distinguished gentlemen. 142 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,760 By the way, where is your friend? 143 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,240 Oh, I don't know. He must have stepped out for a minute. 144 00:14:30,340 --> 00:14:31,440 Stepped out is right. 145 00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:32,700 Hey, give me a hand. 146 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,940 Well, I'm sure he didn't go far. 147 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,440 He's probably hanging around somewhere. 148 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:40,160 Hanging around is right. 149 00:14:40,620 --> 00:14:41,620 Mr. 150 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:47,900 Stafford, what I find hard to understand is why you come here every night. 151 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,680 Well, it gets me out of the house. 152 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:55,420 But there are many better places to go than this freak show. 153 00:14:55,940 --> 00:14:59,080 There's the symphony, the ballet, the opera. 154 00:15:00,380 --> 00:15:04,860 Never go to the opera. I can't stand all that screaming and yelling. 155 00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:08,160 Don't understand opera? 156 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,640 Oh, I understand it all right. I just hate it. 157 00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:13,880 I'd rather go to a public hanging. 158 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,320 You are at a public hanging. 159 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:21,120 Pull me up! Does your friend Waldorf feel as strongly as you? 160 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,600 I don't have any feeling at all. My hand is numb. 161 00:15:23,940 --> 00:15:25,860 I don't know. Why don't you ask him? 162 00:15:26,140 --> 00:15:28,820 Maybe I will. I will drop by later. 163 00:15:29,540 --> 00:15:32,020 I'm going to drop right now if somebody doesn't help me. 164 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,420 But, but... 165 00:15:34,780 --> 00:15:40,260 Wherever he is, it's good to know that at least we have you two gentlemen here 166 00:15:40,260 --> 00:15:43,320 to provide dignity and decency. 167 00:15:51,980 --> 00:15:52,980 Hey, 168 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,780 thank you, Judy. You know, I really want to thank you for wanting to play this 169 00:16:02,780 --> 00:16:04,180 number with me. I'm just honored. 170 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:06,280 Oh, it's a pleasure for me, Ralph. 171 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:07,480 Thank you. 172 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,460 What is that you're playing right now? 173 00:16:09,780 --> 00:16:11,520 Oh, these are just finger exercises. 174 00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:14,260 I play them to warm up before I play. 175 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:15,920 Really? 176 00:16:16,220 --> 00:16:17,540 What do you do to warm up? 177 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:19,280 Oh, I chase cars. 178 00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:22,780 Oh, dear. 179 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,140 I'd much rather play finger exercises. 180 00:16:25,980 --> 00:16:29,240 When I was a kid, you know, I used to play these and put a book up in front of 181 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,420 me and read while I practiced. 182 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,330 Wow. I guess that's easy for you. 183 00:16:33,690 --> 00:16:36,950 But you know, it's tough to play the piano and chase cars at the same time. 184 00:16:39,970 --> 00:16:41,970 How about playing a duet with me? 185 00:16:42,370 --> 00:16:43,370 Oh, listen. 186 00:16:43,390 --> 00:16:44,390 That's why I'm here. 187 00:16:45,030 --> 00:16:46,030 Okay. 188 00:17:05,319 --> 00:17:08,540 Dolly dear, a female dear. 189 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,520 Pray a drop of golden sun. 190 00:17:53,450 --> 00:17:54,450 What's happening? 191 00:17:54,510 --> 00:17:56,150 Oh, Gonzo, haven't you heard the news? 192 00:17:56,590 --> 00:17:59,890 No. Well, Scooter's uncle's going to tear this theater down. 193 00:18:00,550 --> 00:18:01,550 No. 194 00:18:01,870 --> 00:18:05,330 Yes, and he's going to build a junkyard on this very spot. 195 00:18:50,550 --> 00:18:54,230 Thank you. That's a lot. 196 00:18:56,930 --> 00:18:59,970 Are you kidding? If I did, I'd be dead. 197 00:19:00,230 --> 00:19:01,250 That's why I asked. 198 00:19:06,330 --> 00:19:06,890 They're 199 00:19:06,890 --> 00:19:18,790 going 200 00:19:18,790 --> 00:19:20,690 to get that Swedish chef someday. 201 00:19:20,970 --> 00:19:23,530 Who is? The smorgasbord of hell. 202 00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:31,070 What is it, Kermit? You're the only one around here who can talk your uncle out 203 00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:32,230 of tearing this theater down. 204 00:19:32,490 --> 00:19:36,150 Oh, gee, I don't think so, Kermit. Well, sure you can. Appeal to his sense of 205 00:19:36,150 --> 00:19:39,910 art. Tell him about all the people who'll be out of work. Sorry, Kermit. 206 00:19:39,950 --> 00:19:40,950 Including you. 207 00:19:41,210 --> 00:19:42,210 Wait right here. 208 00:19:43,570 --> 00:19:48,590 Hey, Uncle JP, you can't tear this theater down. Oh, sure I can. I got the 209 00:19:48,590 --> 00:19:49,770 junkyard all planned. 210 00:19:50,070 --> 00:19:52,990 Gonna put the old cars right here and the old tires over there. 211 00:19:53,390 --> 00:19:55,530 Well, what about your sense of art? 212 00:19:56,510 --> 00:19:57,510 Part who? 213 00:19:58,210 --> 00:20:00,370 What will all these people do for money? 214 00:20:00,710 --> 00:20:02,090 Oh, let them spend cake. 215 00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:03,870 Oh, what about me? 216 00:20:04,590 --> 00:20:07,430 Oh, well, I was going to put you in charge of the junkyard. 217 00:20:07,630 --> 00:20:08,670 What do you say to that, kid? 218 00:20:11,650 --> 00:20:13,210 Let's get started, Uncle Parker. 219 00:20:35,830 --> 00:20:36,830 Well, 220 00:20:41,550 --> 00:20:42,950 did you find all that interesting? 221 00:20:43,370 --> 00:20:45,530 No, I was smorgasbord. 222 00:20:47,750 --> 00:20:52,750 Smorgasbord. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins. 223 00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:04,120 Isn't it rich? 224 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,580 Are we a pair? 225 00:21:11,140 --> 00:21:17,080 Me here at last on the ground, you in 226 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:18,220 midair. 227 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:23,820 Where are the clouds? 228 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:35,960 Don't 229 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:08,280 Don't. 230 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,740 with the help of our wonderful guest star, Miss Judy Collins. 231 00:24:13,460 --> 00:24:18,440 Thank you, Thomas. It's been wonderful. 232 00:24:18,780 --> 00:24:22,340 Oh, I'm very glad. You know, mostly because this may be our last show. 233 00:24:22,580 --> 00:24:23,259 Oh, no. 234 00:24:23,260 --> 00:24:27,000 Yeah, Scooter's uncle still wants to tear this place down. No, cancel that 235 00:24:27,180 --> 00:24:29,400 I'm not going to tear this place down. 236 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:30,199 You're not? 237 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:31,780 No, it'd be a waste of money. 238 00:25:18,670 --> 00:25:20,330 as solid as a rock. Watch this. 17455