All language subtitles for The Muppet Show - s02e13 - Zero Mostel

Zero Mostel, 25 seconds, stand by.

Mr. Mostel?

Hey, Fozzie, where's Mr. Mostel? Oh,
he's in his dressing room eating.

I'm not in my dressing room eating.

I'm in my dressing room being eaten.

Please let them be funny this once. It's
time to get things started.

Welcome to the Muppet Show.

Tonight's special guest star has many,
many talents.

Let's see, he acts, he sings, he dances,
he does comedy, and they all add up to

a great big zero for Zero Mostel.

But first, in an attempt to placate the
culture lovers of our audience... Oh, at

last, at last.

And in the wings, we open tonight's show
with a little classical music.

Here is Chopin's Polonaise in A -flat.

The concert pianist could not make it.
Yeah, but I just introduced the

That's okay. Here, here. I got a whole
new intro written.

Good luck, kid.

Okay,

ladies and gentlemen, Chopin's Polonais
in A -flat as performed by Dr.

Teeth. What?

Yeah.

You know, I'm really gonna enjoy it
tonight.

You plan to like this show?

No, I plan to watch television.

Hey, good old Chopin. You can't beat the
classics.

You can only destroy them.

Hey, Froggy Samphibious. Yeah?

Yeah, don't forget today is payday.

Ah, payday!

Payday! Payday again?

It was payday last year.

It's beginning to be a habit around
here.

Well, I'll see what's in the old cash
box here.

Three moths and a washer.

Well, that's more than we usually have.

Oh, where am I going to get the payroll
money?

Oh, how much do you need, Kermit? Oh,
Scooter, $27 .14.

Wow, that's high finance.

Oh, I'll get it.

Hello? Oh, hi, Uncle JP.

That's Scooter's Uncle JP Gross, the
bloodless old tightwad who owns this

theater. Yeah, yeah.

Well, listen, uh, could you put your
cigar out, please?

Thanks. Oh, everything's fine.

Yeah, except Kermie needs some money to
make the payroll.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh, what'd he say?

He said, uh -huh.

Terrific! If?

Uh, if what? If you put some good old
-fashioned entertainment back into the

show. Oh, you mean like an Irish tenor?
No. A dog act?

Jugglers? Spoon players? What?

Lady wrestlers.

Terrific. I was afraid he wanted
something tasteless.

Okay, now it's time for our special
guest to do something special.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Zero Mustel.

What do the sinful folk do to help them
escape when they're

blue?

The shepherd who is ailing, the milkmaid
who is love, the coupler who is

wailing, one nailing his thumb, when
there can be seen,

the folk cannot noblessly oblige.

However, do they manage?

Once along the road.

They sing.

They must have a sister more too.

They obvious outshine us at turning
tears to mirth.

Patrix's royal highness is minus from
birth.

What then I wonder do they?

To chase all the goblins away.

They have some tribal sorcery you
haven't mentioned yet. Oh, what?

What else do the simple folk do to help
them escape

when they're blue?

They sit around and wonder what royal
folk would do.

in this movie?

Beach Blanket Frankenstein.

Awful. Terrible film.

Yeah, well, we could watch The Muppet
Show instead.

Wonderful.

Terrific film.

Where am I going to find a couple of
lady wrestlers at this late date?

Hello, Killer Katie, Terror of Toledo.
How would you like to work on The Muppet

Show tonight?

I see.

Transcendental meditation.

Oh, that's too bad.

Now what?

I'm all, would you get the door?

I say, would you get the door? Get the
door.

Get the door.

Maybe I can try mother of the mall.

Weird door.

My, what a dynamic.

How's your backhand?

Fair. How's your forehand?

Oh, they're terrific.

You say you watched six tennis matches
today?

How do you feel?

Uh, fine. Just fine.

Now, what'd you do today?

I spent a day in court.

My tennis instructor says I've been
using too small a racket.

Well, why not get a big racket?

Excuse me, Kermit. May I speak with you?

Sure, Sam.

What do you want? I think you know why I
am here.

Well, actually, Sam, to tell you the
truth, I've never known why you're here.

I feel my job is to make sure this
program is morally upright and cultural

wholesome. You got your work cut out for
you, bird.

Now that was unwholesome.

That was not cultural.

What can I do for you, Sam?

I want to know who is going to be on
tonight's show.

Oh, well, let's see. Tonight's show is
very classy. It's very highbrow. You'll

like this show. Oh, good, yes. Yes, tell
me more.

Well, let's see. We got Fozzie is doing
a pantomime with Zero Mostel. We got a

musical number with Zoot and Ralph.

And then, of course, we got the lady
wrestlers.

What?

Uh, oh, nothing, Sam. It's just, uh, we
got, uh, some lady, uh, lady, um, lady

wrestlers. Uh, stand by for the
pantomime number.

Lady what?

Uh, uh, lady wrestlers.

Wrest what?

Lurs.

Lady wrestlers?

Lady wrestlers?

Have we no shame?

Oh, it's coming.

Something's... Something must be done
here.

Someone must work for integrity and
decency.

Someone, someone must do this, and I
shall continue to speak out, knowing

someday I will get my just desserts.

Sam, you will someday get your just
desserts.

What was that?

Just dessert?

The road is long.

The path is stupid.

Oh, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet
Labs where the future is being made

today. Well, we've had a major
breakthrough here at the laboratory.

Beaker, come on in here and let's show
the Muppet Labs brand new magnetic

carrots. Come on, Beaker. Just pick up
the lid there.

It's all right.

Isn't that snazzy?

Now, these carrots are perfectly
ordinary in every way except that they

magnetic.

Yes, friends, you can carry these new
magnetic carrots home on the roof of

car and store them on the ceiling of
your refrigerator.

Oh, of course, to be perfectly honest,
there is one slight drawback.

Sometimes magnetic carrots tend to
attract steel rabbits.

Tune in next time for news of our
research into the feasibility of cast

watchdogs.

Now, let's switch channels. This show is
dull.

You bet.

What is that?

It looks like two ancient old guys
sitting in a theater box watching

That's crazy. No one would watch junk
like that.

Uh, excuse me.

Mr. Mostel.

Yes? I am Sam the Eagle. Oh, I'm glad to
know you. Yes, glad to know you. I am

the upholder of decency and dignity for
this show. Are you really?

Yes. I believe this program is trivial
and not

fit for family viewing.

It is disgracefully lacking in culture.
It is disgracefully lacking in culture.

I'm glad you agree with me. Yes.

I personally have always thought that
this program must, must, I say, be

cleansed of all nonsense and silliness.

Don't you agree with me, sir?

Of course. You must be glad. Now, it
seems to me that you and I think alike.

Well, it's been a pleasure talking to
you, sir. A man of dignity.

Dignity. Always dignity.

Dignity. Dignity.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting, ma 'am.
What can I do for you? Yes, I understood

you're looking for lady wrestlers.

You see, I'm Granny the Gouger. I'd like
to audition.

You want to audition?

Well, that's very funny. Is this some
kind of a joke or something?

Joke? Funny?

Young man, it's not nice to make fun of
an old lady.

You're going to be old yourself someday.

And when that day comes...

You're going to be sorry you weren't
nicer to Granny.

I think I'm sorry already.

Thank you.

Late at night, the world sleeps.

And I am here alone.

And here I come some nights to confront
my fears.

Oh,

they hear my fears.

They are always with me, lurking,
scurrying, hiding and waiting.

They come and they go.

Though they are gone, they are never
far.

And here alone at night, I can confront
them.

There they are.

Confronted fears.

Fears of hunger. Fears of pain.

Fears of missing the last train.

Fear of dentists always drilling. Fear
that no one will be willing to see me as

I know I really am.

Once they are... Counted and compelled,
they can quickly be dispelled.

Like figments of my own imagination.

For always, there are other fears.

Fears of snakes, fears of cats, fears of
beetroot genes and rats.

An irrational black terror that someday
I may get fat.

The elevator's falling, and the taxman's
Sunday calling, and the accidental war

wing of myself.

Up inside a clammy, dank, old, dingy
cellar, where the

spiders weave around my tummy, and the
worms and bugs and crawly things

squirm and squiggle at my face.

and compelled, they can quickly be
dispelled.

Then there are other fears.

Fears of bullets, there's a dread.

Fear of baldness on the head.

You know, waking up one morning to
discover that you are dead.

Once they are counted and compelled,
they can quickly be dispelled.

Like pigments.

Of my own imagination.

And there is the last fear.

Just about the time I'm past fear.

The one that really is finer.

It will come yours and mine.

The darkest of the night. It will come
without a fight. It will count me

and compel me.

It will casually dispel me.

I'm just a figment of its old
imagination.

Oh, look at that. The show's almost over
and I still haven't found another lady

wrestler.

Oh, where in the world am I going to
find another heavyweight, aggressive,

female with a killer's instinct?

Hello, Trini.

Oh, oh, hi, Miss Piggy.

Pray tell, what is my wonderfulness
doing?

Oh, well, you see, I was just thinking
that you'd be perfect for a special spot

in tonight's show.

You have created a spot just for moi?

Oh, tell me about it, my little green
doll.

Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, well, you see, this
is a spot that requires an actress with

tremendous strength.

Yes.

Versatility. Yes.

And someone who's all female. Oh, oh,
what is it? Joan of Arc.

Uh, no.

Not the Marietta? Well, no.

Oh, Lady Macbeth.

Well, it's more like a lady wrestler.

Wrestler?

Well, yeah. It's the sort of thing where
you have to have the ability to... I

mean, wrestlers are... Lady!

10 to 1 on the pig.

we're going to present you with a
cultural demonstration of female grace

dexterity. So here they are, direct from
the Valley High Bolidrome, Granny the

Gouger and the mysterious Ms. Mask.

One fall, no holds barred.

Hope your insurance is paid, Frog.

show business.

That'd be the neck.

of television talking isn't it