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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:07,960 Hi, I'm Brian Henson. 2 00:00:08,180 --> 00:00:11,200 This episode of The Muppet Show stars John Cleese. 3 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:16,260 John particularly became very close with the Muppets, and he immediately created 4 00:00:16,260 --> 00:00:19,000 a bond with the writers on The Muppet Show, and he wanted to get involved in 5 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:24,000 writing. So together they came up with this ridiculous concept where John 6 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:27,780 doesn't want to be on the show. So the great thing is that this whole Muppet 7 00:00:27,780 --> 00:00:32,460 Show is about the Muppets trying to get John to be on the show, but John's 8 00:00:32,460 --> 00:00:33,460 trying to get off the show. 9 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:41,080 He'll do us all. 10 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:46,120 One great scene to watch for is where John tries to fix Gonzo's arms and ends 11 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:50,520 stretching them six feet long and ending up knotting his arms all around his 12 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:51,520 body. 13 00:00:52,860 --> 00:00:54,120 Are you done? 14 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:58,120 But the more he hurts Gonzo, of course, the more Gonzo loves it. 15 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:00,560 And here's the episode. I hope you love it. 16 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:05,280 John Cleese? 17 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:07,860 Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Cleese. 18 00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:16,340 Well, it's no use struggling, Mr. Cleese. You can't leave until you've 19 00:01:16,340 --> 00:01:17,340 show. 20 00:01:21,460 --> 00:01:23,920 It's the Muppet Show with our special guest star... 21 00:01:55,820 --> 00:01:56,900 We'll never get this started. 22 00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,740 It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, 23 00:02:01,260 --> 00:02:08,000 celebrational, Muppetational. This is what we call a Muppet Show. 24 00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:22,380 Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi -ho, and welcome to another Muppet Show. 25 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,000 Hey, we're going to have a fan... 26 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:30,520 is one of the reigning geniuses behind Monty Python's Flying Circus, Mr. John 27 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:31,520 Cleese. 28 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:36,600 Here's a note from the stage hands up in the rafters. 29 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:43,320 Let's see, it says, Dear Kermit, we are sorry we dropped that heavy weight, but 30 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,660 we hope it doesn't do any damage when it hits the floor. 31 00:02:50,180 --> 00:02:53,160 P .S., actually, we dropped two weights. 32 00:02:58,730 --> 00:03:00,950 Why is the opening number? I think I'm going to lie down for a while. 33 00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:10,510 Somebody stole my gal. 34 00:03:11,870 --> 00:03:14,630 Somebody stole my pal. 35 00:03:15,970 --> 00:03:19,610 Somebody came and took her away. 36 00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:27,370 She didn't even say that she was even leaving. Her kisses I miss so. 37 00:03:27,550 --> 00:03:28,198 I know. 38 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,260 Miss Her Kisses. 39 00:04:42,830 --> 00:04:43,830 I got a sore thumb. 40 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:47,450 Why don't you get it taken care of? That keeps my mind off the show. 41 00:04:49,850 --> 00:04:54,610 And now, to appease the intellectuals of our audience, the great Gonzo will 42 00:04:54,610 --> 00:04:59,370 catch a cannonball with his bare hand as fired from a muzzle -loading cannon. 43 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,040 What was that? A survivor. 44 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:07,860 Hey, have you heard about the new police show starring Gonzo the Great? 45 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:47,480 Pig's claws. 46 00:06:48,060 --> 00:06:49,580 No pig's claws? 47 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:53,900 Here we are. It says, I only work with a frog. That's you, right? Check. 48 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:58,100 The bear and the ugly, disgusting little one who catches cannonballs. 49 00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:01,920 That's it. No pigs. And that goes for monsters, too. 50 00:07:29,230 --> 00:07:32,590 which may go a long way towards solving the world's food crisis. 51 00:07:32,850 --> 00:07:37,030 Dr. William Edgar of Chicago, Illinois reports he has found a method of 52 00:07:37,030 --> 00:07:39,710 synthesizing Italian dinners out of wool. 53 00:07:41,270 --> 00:07:46,010 At a recent press conference, Edgar demonstrated his process by knitting a 54 00:07:46,010 --> 00:07:50,770 terrine of minestrone while his wife Nancy crocheted meatballs. 55 00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:25,220 this bird's a great performer, but tonight she laid an egg. 56 00:08:27,780 --> 00:08:32,400 And now, Pigs in Space! 57 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:40,059 Following the acrophobic Captain Link, Hogfrog, the illustrious First Mate, 58 00:08:40,059 --> 00:08:45,860 Piggy, and the sesquipedalian Doctor Strange. 59 00:08:49,390 --> 00:08:51,590 as we join our story today. 60 00:08:59,550 --> 00:09:00,890 Oh, the 61 00:09:00,890 --> 00:09:07,290 loneliness 62 00:09:07,290 --> 00:09:08,410 of command. 63 00:09:35,050 --> 00:09:36,050 You can't be a pirate. 64 00:09:36,890 --> 00:09:40,090 Of course I'm a pirate. I've got a hat, a parrot, and a hook. 65 00:09:40,450 --> 00:09:42,590 What else should I be? A management consultant? 66 00:10:21,990 --> 00:10:23,170 spaceship. What? 67 00:10:23,810 --> 00:10:27,010 This is the swine truck bound for the other side of the universe. 68 00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,650 You're supposed to be on an ocean ship. 69 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:24,280 slipped boils. 70 00:12:32,910 --> 00:12:34,090 You suppose they meant it to be? 71 00:13:10,380 --> 00:13:11,460 Looks like the backstroke. 72 00:13:14,140 --> 00:13:18,380 So I says to the waiter, I says, waiter, there's a fly in my soup. And the 73 00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,540 waiter says, what's the matter? You ordered a mosquito? 74 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,980 So I said to the waiter, I said, what's this fly doing in my alphabet soup? 75 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,400 And he said, standing in for the apostrophe. 76 00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:34,900 My, what a tough night I've had tonight. 77 00:13:35,220 --> 00:13:38,760 Oh, yeah, me too. The chef ran out of flies halfway through dinner. 78 00:14:56,170 --> 00:14:57,730 Just a song, you know, I don't have a wife. 79 00:14:57,950 --> 00:15:00,850 Not yet. I don't intend to have one either. 80 00:15:01,330 --> 00:15:02,470 Are you ready? 81 00:15:02,850 --> 00:15:03,850 Yes. 82 00:15:04,450 --> 00:15:11,170 There was I, waiting at the church, waiting at the church, waiting 83 00:15:11,170 --> 00:15:12,210 at the church. 84 00:15:12,430 --> 00:15:19,210 When I found he left me in the lurch, your power did upset me. 85 00:15:20,010 --> 00:15:23,710 All at once, he sent me round a note. 86 00:15:24,190 --> 00:15:25,490 Here's the very note. 87 00:15:38,860 --> 00:15:40,880 Now will you take a silly pillow out from under your dress? 88 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,120 I like it! 89 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:51,940 And now, a musical duet featuring Gonzo the Great and my own little nephew, 90 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:56,420 Robin. Uncle Kermit, Gonzo says he can't sing with a long arm. 91 00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:57,960 Oh, shall we cancel? No, no. 92 00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:28,700 We're two lost souls on the highway of life. We ain't even got 93 00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:31,060 a sister or brother. 94 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:32,900 But ain't it just great? 95 00:16:33,420 --> 00:16:35,120 Ain't it just grand? 96 00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:38,570 We've got each other. 97 00:16:39,530 --> 00:16:43,710 Two lost ships on a stormy sea. 98 00:16:44,050 --> 00:16:50,170 One with no sail and one with no rudder. But ain't it just great? 99 00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,410 Ain't it just grand? 100 00:16:53,970 --> 00:16:55,790 We've got each other. 101 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:23,680 On the highway of life And there is no one With whom we would rather Say 102 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:30,560 ain't it just great Ain't it just grand We've got each other 103 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:36,780 We've got a lot Because we've got 104 00:17:36,780 --> 00:17:38,920 Each other 105 00:17:54,510 --> 00:17:57,170 What is red and woolly and five feet long? 106 00:17:57,430 --> 00:17:59,770 A mitten for Gonzo the Great. 107 00:18:01,690 --> 00:18:02,690 Good, 108 00:18:03,010 --> 00:18:06,070 yes, just what the world needs, humorous hip persons. 109 00:18:10,110 --> 00:18:12,830 Mr. Cleese, what am I going to do? 110 00:18:13,310 --> 00:18:19,070 Which one are you? I'm the ugly, disgusting one who catches cannonballs. 111 00:18:19,070 --> 00:18:22,430 me. Yes, it's horrible, isn't it? So, not to worry, I know... plastic surgeon 112 00:18:22,430 --> 00:18:25,290 who can fix you up, give you a little Roman number, something cute to buy. 113 00:18:26,050 --> 00:18:27,050 No, Mr. 114 00:18:27,290 --> 00:18:29,310 Cleese, it's not my nose, it's my arm. 115 00:18:29,550 --> 00:18:31,110 Is it? Well, why is it in the middle of your face? 116 00:18:32,650 --> 00:18:34,790 Mr. Cleese, just forget about the nose, please. 117 00:18:35,710 --> 00:18:37,310 Well, I'll try, but I can't promise anything. 118 00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:40,690 Now, what's wrong with this arm of yours? It's about five feet long. 119 00:18:40,910 --> 00:18:41,910 Isn't that enough? 120 00:18:55,240 --> 00:19:00,500 in the Himalayas, Gonzo, I met a wise old man who taught me the ancient art of 121 00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:04,040 Daucho Chingua. Were both his arms the same length? As what? 122 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:05,280 As each other. 123 00:19:05,780 --> 00:19:06,840 Oh, some of them were, yes. 124 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:10,500 Now, lie down, please, and I want you to keep repeating something. 125 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:31,670 What? 126 00:20:34,830 --> 00:20:36,410 to the Cusbanian spooble. 127 00:20:37,790 --> 00:20:40,130 Hi there, Kermit. Pleasure to be here. 128 00:20:41,030 --> 00:20:45,610 You will note that the spooble is composed almost entirely of liquid. 129 00:20:46,670 --> 00:20:49,050 You betcha. Or as they say on... 130 00:21:08,910 --> 00:21:10,890 TV interview, I should wear my crystal vase. 131 00:21:11,330 --> 00:21:13,730 But, you know, I wanted to be casual. 132 00:21:14,170 --> 00:21:19,050 Yeah, well, listen, the jar is just swell. Oh, I'm glad it's not winter. I 133 00:21:19,050 --> 00:21:20,970 wearing those ugly thermos bottles. 134 00:21:21,490 --> 00:21:25,090 Right. Okay, well, there you have it, folks. Once again, it's been an unusual 135 00:21:25,090 --> 00:21:27,190 and informative visit with another... 136 00:21:39,820 --> 00:21:42,020 a Kuzbanian has been drunk on television. 137 00:21:44,820 --> 00:21:48,520 What do you suppose would happen to a spooble if you put him in a kettle and 138 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:49,840 turned the heat on under him? 139 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:51,580 Oh, he'd probably get steamed. 140 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:59,020 And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is our very special guest star to sing to 141 00:21:59,020 --> 00:22:00,560 dream the impossible dream. 142 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,800 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Kuzbanian. 143 00:22:12,130 --> 00:22:13,310 Kermit? Kermit? 144 00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:15,830 Could I speak to you, please? 145 00:22:17,370 --> 00:22:19,010 Yeah, what is it, John? What's going on? 146 00:22:19,470 --> 00:22:21,570 Oh, well, nothing. You just missed your cue, that's all. 147 00:22:21,790 --> 00:22:24,510 What? See, that was an eight -bar intro, and then you're supposed to sing, to 148 00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:26,870 dream the impossible dream, you know, like that. 149 00:22:28,190 --> 00:22:29,190 You can't be serious. 150 00:22:30,410 --> 00:22:32,510 Kermit, I don't do old show tunes. 151 00:22:33,050 --> 00:22:35,110 Oh, well, I'm sorry. 152 00:22:35,370 --> 00:22:37,890 That's our mistake. I'm sorry. We just got confused. 153 00:22:38,230 --> 00:22:39,690 We'll just take it out. Curtains! 154 00:22:45,580 --> 00:22:47,540 very special guest star, Mr. John Cleese. 155 00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:58,680 Where's the frog? 156 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:01,420 Where's the frog? Shut up. 157 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:02,800 Shut up. 158 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:07,440 Kill the music. Cut the music. Where's the frog? We didn't finish yet. No, 159 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:08,119 not going to. 160 00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:09,600 I didn't get to do my potential. 161 00:23:10,580 --> 00:23:11,740 What is it, John? 162 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,160 Tell me, this is mad. I mean, the moment the curtain... 163 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,000 You're lousy. Well, 164 00:23:23,140 --> 00:23:24,220 what can I say, John? 165 00:23:24,460 --> 00:23:28,020 I'm terribly sorry. It's all our fault. We'll just take it again. Give us one 166 00:23:28,020 --> 00:23:29,020 last chance, would you? 167 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:31,160 One. 168 00:26:18,690 --> 00:26:22,550 Well, see you next time. Yeah, unless I get lucky and break a leg. 13124