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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,799 --> 00:00:02,240 Seconds to curtain, Mr. Knott. 2 00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:05,440 What are you doing out here behind the table? 3 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:09,600 Listen, nobody told me I had to share a dressing room. Didn't they tell you 4 00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:10,539 about her? 5 00:00:10,540 --> 00:00:11,540 Her? 6 00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:13,440 What's the matter, sweetie? 7 00:00:13,780 --> 00:00:15,740 You don't like chorus girls? 8 00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:58,420 That thing started on the most sensational lens. 9 00:01:47,050 --> 00:01:48,870 Uh -huh. 10 00:01:49,130 --> 00:01:50,890 Uh -huh. 11 00:01:51,350 --> 00:01:56,770 Uh -huh. 12 00:01:58,210 --> 00:01:58,210 Uh 13 00:01:58,210 --> 00:02:11,150 -huh. 14 00:02:54,380 --> 00:02:56,320 in a cane made of peppermint. 15 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:57,960 Uh -huh. 16 00:02:58,840 --> 00:02:59,840 Uh -huh. 17 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:04,200 Nice, icky hands, sticky peppermint. 18 00:03:04,740 --> 00:03:05,880 Uh -huh. 19 00:03:06,660 --> 00:03:07,740 Uh -huh. 20 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:13,100 Sponge sugary cloud, I'm floating on. 21 00:03:13,380 --> 00:03:19,900 Sun spreading my soup, a sugar coating on. All tasty and tan, sweet 22 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,320 gingerbread man. 23 00:03:38,540 --> 00:03:45,320 I know what's wrong with this show. What? 24 00:03:45,460 --> 00:03:46,460 It's the theater. 25 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:49,180 What's wrong with it? The seats face the stage. 26 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:54,640 Thank you. Hi, hiya, hiya. Hey, hey, hey, listen. 27 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,280 Kermit is letting me help plan tonight's show. 28 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,800 That's true, folks. He plans his parts and I plan the good parts. 29 00:04:02,340 --> 00:04:03,299 Come on. 30 00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:05,960 I'm just kidding, Fozzie. Go ahead. Make your introduction. 31 00:04:06,340 --> 00:04:07,119 Oh, okay. 32 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:08,560 Moving right along. 33 00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:13,260 We take you now for a trip into inner space. 34 00:04:16,260 --> 00:04:20,700 I'm very relaxed. I'm terribly calm and tranquil. 35 00:04:21,140 --> 00:04:23,700 I'm very, very relaxed indeed. 36 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:29,500 on the outside, but on the inside, I'm like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel 37 00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:33,420 within a wheel, a never -ending clock beginning on a never -spinning wheel, 38 00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:37,480 like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon, or like a carousel 39 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:40,460 that's turning, running rings around the moon, caused like a clock whose hands 40 00:04:40,460 --> 00:04:43,980 are sweeping past the minutes of its space, see that the world is like an 41 00:04:43,980 --> 00:04:47,340 whirling silently in space, just like the circles that you find down in the 42 00:04:47,340 --> 00:04:51,140 windmills of your mind, just like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of 43 00:04:51,140 --> 00:04:52,680 own, way down a hollow to a... 44 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:57,200 never shown, just like a door that keeps revolving in a half -forgotten dream, 45 00:04:57,260 --> 00:05:00,560 or like the ripples from a pebble someone tosses in a stream, because like 46 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:04,020 clock begins sweeping at the minutes of its space, even the world is like an 47 00:05:04,020 --> 00:05:07,280 apple, suddenly in space, just like the circles that you find here in the 48 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:10,740 windmills of your mind, put a needle in your pocket, put a candle in your head, 49 00:05:10,860 --> 00:05:13,860 why did summer go so quickly, was it something that you said, see lovers walk 50 00:05:13,860 --> 00:05:16,700 along the shore, leave their footprints in the sand, or is the sound of distant 51 00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:20,020 drumming, get the fingers of your hands, sing in the hallway, see the fragment 52 00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:23,260 of a song, have remembered names and faces, but to whom do they belong, When 53 00:05:23,260 --> 00:05:26,160 knew that it was over, you were suddenly aware that the autumn leaves are 54 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,160 turning to the color of her hair, just like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel 55 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,200 within a wheel, never ending, beginning, never ending, never ending, never 56 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:32,960 ending, never ending, never ending, never ending, never ending, never 57 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:33,960 never ending, never ending, never ending, never ending, 58 00:05:34,180 --> 00:05:35,640 never ending, never ending. 59 00:05:40,180 --> 00:05:43,180 I'm very calm. 60 00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:49,940 Well, how'd you like that opening number? 61 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:58,780 Impossible. It was loud and rocket with a screaming thing running amok. 62 00:05:59,220 --> 00:06:01,340 How could you not notice it? 63 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,260 Well, in the future, I'll try to be more observant. 64 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,400 Could you do that, please? 65 00:06:14,580 --> 00:06:18,680 This is fun. Hey, I really want to thank you for letting me help plan tonight's 66 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:22,000 show, Kermit. Yeah, well, I just wish we planned something a little calmer for 67 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,000 the opening spot. 68 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:24,200 It looks calm enough to me. 69 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,520 Refer specifically to the closing number. 70 00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:34,720 Oh, boy. 71 00:06:35,740 --> 00:06:39,600 Well, now, I tell you, this is not my fault this time, see, because Fozzie 72 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,960 helped me plan tonight's show, and he was the one that wanted the band to play 73 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,880 Lullaby at Birdland. That was Fozzie. 74 00:06:47,460 --> 00:06:51,740 So this is the Bears doing, huh? You bet. Oh, hi, Floyd. 75 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:55,540 Uh, isn't Lullaby at Birdland all right? 76 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,960 All right. Hey, it's too... 77 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,560 At last we've got some decent music in this gear. 78 00:07:07,420 --> 00:07:12,200 Ha! Why isn't the bear running things around here? 79 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:16,800 Yeah, why isn't the bear running things around here? 80 00:07:17,460 --> 00:07:20,460 Yeah, why isn't the frog auditioning new comedians? 81 00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:24,540 Why isn't the bear keeping his mouth shut? 82 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:30,640 Okay, right now, gang, it's time for something good to happen, and that 83 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:32,900 something is tonight's very funny guest star. 84 00:07:33,340 --> 00:07:36,500 Welcome, please, the very relaxed Mr. Don Knotts. 85 00:07:44,260 --> 00:07:49,180 Thank you, boys and girls, and welcome to Beast of the Week, the program that 86 00:07:49,180 --> 00:07:54,220 presents the most hideous, repulsive, and disgusting animals in the world just 87 00:07:54,220 --> 00:07:56,180 to amuse you sweet little kiddies. 88 00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:01,660 Now, tonight's creature was just discovered, so it doesn't even have a 89 00:08:02,350 --> 00:08:03,350 Shall we? 90 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:12,470 Cute little fellow, isn't it? 91 00:08:13,610 --> 00:08:17,910 This is the first one ever born in captivity, and it's also the first time 92 00:08:17,910 --> 00:08:19,070 had it away from its mother. 93 00:08:20,870 --> 00:08:25,270 I don't know quite what to expect myself, so maybe we'll just learn 94 00:08:25,410 --> 00:08:26,410 huh? 95 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:36,200 we've just learned that can get out of a cage, which I was told was absolutely 96 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,260 escape -proof. 97 00:08:38,780 --> 00:08:41,799 I better get him. 98 00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:44,039 Oh, 99 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,780 look at that. 100 00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:51,720 He's found something shaped like himself. I believe he thinks they're 101 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,700 Isn't that cute, boys and girls? He's trying to make friends. 102 00:09:02,410 --> 00:09:04,050 I'll just get the glove. 103 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,920 the zookeeper pay off, you notice I don't make any sudden moves. 104 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,880 It's getting less frightened of me. 105 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:48,640 I guess it likes me. 106 00:09:49,740 --> 00:09:50,740 Stop it. 107 00:09:51,020 --> 00:09:52,020 That tickles. 108 00:09:52,620 --> 00:09:53,900 It's blowing in my ear. 109 00:09:59,420 --> 00:10:00,420 Gotcha. 110 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:07,940 Well, boys and girls, that about wraps up tonight's Beast of the Week. 111 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:12,560 We've got to get this little fella back to its mother before she wakes up. You 112 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:15,220 see, the mother is very possessive of its offspring. 113 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:19,020 And if she should discover it missing, she could get very upset. 114 00:10:56,970 --> 00:10:57,990 but a terrible memory. 115 00:11:01,610 --> 00:11:03,250 Fozzie, my main pair. 116 00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:08,350 Mmm. What it is, you know everybody in the band is so blown away by the fact 117 00:11:08,350 --> 00:11:11,210 that you suggested we do Lullaby of Birdland on the show. 118 00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:12,470 Blown away? 119 00:11:12,710 --> 00:11:13,950 Is this that good? 120 00:11:14,730 --> 00:11:15,730 Good? Yes. 121 00:11:16,870 --> 00:11:21,590 Fozzie, you're so hip, you make us flip. In fact, we just took a vote and made 122 00:11:21,590 --> 00:11:22,990 you a bonafide registered... 123 00:11:25,870 --> 00:11:26,950 My shades. 124 00:11:27,750 --> 00:11:31,630 Yeah, now, these are the official Charlie Parker Lives super cool 125 00:11:32,350 --> 00:11:39,110 Thank you. Welcome to Groovydonk. Oh, will you please tell the band how 126 00:11:39,110 --> 00:11:40,009 I am? 127 00:11:40,010 --> 00:11:42,910 Oh, boy, I can't wait to tell Kermit. Kermit! 128 00:11:45,550 --> 00:11:52,370 And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's 129 00:11:52,370 --> 00:11:53,650 gone to the dogs. 130 00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:58,430 Next patient. What seems to be his problem? 131 00:11:58,770 --> 00:12:00,750 I think he has flat feet, Dr. Bob. 132 00:12:01,150 --> 00:12:03,030 Looks more like a flat tire to me. 133 00:12:03,270 --> 00:12:05,090 I think it's a case of three left feet. 134 00:12:06,390 --> 00:12:09,090 Three feet, Dr. Bob. What do you make of that? 135 00:12:09,350 --> 00:12:10,350 Oh, about a yard. 136 00:12:12,210 --> 00:12:16,890 But is it serious, Dr. Bob? Let's face it. This bird has one foot in the grave. 137 00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,170 But he has three feet on the table. 138 00:12:19,470 --> 00:12:21,810 Well, that's nothing. I left two feet in Cincinnati. 139 00:12:22,770 --> 00:12:27,110 That's six feet, Dr. Bob. What do you make of that? Oh, about a fathom. 140 00:12:27,470 --> 00:12:31,490 I certainly can't fathom any of this. 141 00:12:31,790 --> 00:12:32,790 And so Dr. 142 00:12:32,970 --> 00:12:37,950 Bob has performed another amazing medical feat. Tune in next week when 143 00:12:37,950 --> 00:12:41,870 hear Nurse Piggy say... Shall we call in a specialist, Dr. Bob? 144 00:12:42,210 --> 00:12:43,530 No, we'll just call a tow truck. 145 00:12:56,170 --> 00:13:01,090 me jogging along, hardy and strong, living on plates of fresh air. 146 00:13:01,470 --> 00:13:08,310 I dress up in fashion, and when I am feeling depressed, I shave 147 00:13:08,310 --> 00:13:12,790 from my cuff all the whiskers and fluff, stick my hat on and toddle up west. 148 00:13:13,410 --> 00:13:18,790 I'm Burlington Bertie, I rise at ten -thirty and saunter along like a toff. 149 00:13:19,290 --> 00:13:24,330 I walk down the strand with my gloves on my hand, then I walk down again with 150 00:13:24,330 --> 00:13:25,330 them all. 151 00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:30,980 I'm all ales and graces, correct easy paces, without food so long I forgot 152 00:13:30,980 --> 00:13:36,500 my face is, I'm Bert. Bert, I haven't a shirt, but my people are well off, you 153 00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:41,740 know. Nearly everyone knows me from Smith to Lord Roseberry, I'm Burlington 154 00:13:41,740 --> 00:13:43,200 Bertie Flambeau. 155 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:47,340 My poems, though ironical, shows. 156 00:13:48,650 --> 00:13:54,350 That's my monocle, holds up my face, keeps it in place, stops it from 157 00:13:54,350 --> 00:13:55,350 away. 158 00:13:55,910 --> 00:13:56,910 Cigars! 159 00:13:57,470 --> 00:14:01,050 I smoke thousands. I usually deal in the strand. 160 00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:05,910 But you've got to take care when you're getting them there or some idiot might 161 00:14:05,910 --> 00:14:07,270 stand on your hand. 162 00:14:07,510 --> 00:14:13,050 Oh, I burn it in 30, I rise it in 30, then Buckingham Palace I view. 163 00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:18,080 I stand in the yard while they're changing the guard, and the king shouts 164 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:24,140 across, the prince of Wales' brother, along with some other, slaps me on the 165 00:14:24,140 --> 00:14:29,400 back and says, come and see mother, I'm Bert, Bert, the royalties hurt when they 166 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:36,160 ask me to dine, I say no, I've just had a banana with Lady Diana, I'm Bertie 167 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:37,460 Dunbertie from Poe. 168 00:14:50,130 --> 00:14:53,290 Strange. Fozzie told me to meet him here and we could chat for a while. 169 00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:56,970 Sorry, 170 00:14:57,570 --> 00:14:58,570 lady. 171 00:15:00,510 --> 00:15:01,510 Hi, 172 00:15:01,910 --> 00:15:05,430 Fozzie. Oh, hello, Don. Good to see you. 173 00:15:08,770 --> 00:15:10,870 Oh, hi, Don. Didn't see you. 174 00:15:11,210 --> 00:15:12,850 Why don't you take off the sunglasses? 175 00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:14,330 Oh, I couldn't do that. 176 00:15:14,570 --> 00:15:17,930 The band gave me these because they think I am so hip. 177 00:15:23,130 --> 00:15:26,110 Yeah? Yeah. Well, personally, I've never had that problem. 178 00:15:26,670 --> 00:15:27,670 Oh, yeah. 179 00:15:27,950 --> 00:15:31,170 Well, you know how it is. When you got it, you got it. I mean, when you're hip, 180 00:15:31,270 --> 00:15:32,270 you're hip. You know what I mean? 181 00:15:32,610 --> 00:15:33,610 Yeah. 182 00:15:34,030 --> 00:15:37,690 Uh, Don, if you're so hip, where are your shades? 183 00:15:38,350 --> 00:15:40,590 Shades? You want shades? I'll show you shades. 184 00:16:10,030 --> 00:16:15,050 I see trees of green, red roses too. 185 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:21,490 I see them bloom for me and you. 186 00:16:21,890 --> 00:16:28,850 And I think to myself, what a wonderful 187 00:16:28,850 --> 00:16:29,850 world. 188 00:16:34,790 --> 00:16:37,750 I see skies of blue. 189 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:41,200 And clouds of white. 190 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,400 The bright sunny day. 191 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:47,920 And the dark cloudy night. 192 00:16:48,260 --> 00:16:50,120 And I think to myself. 193 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:56,080 What a wonderful world. 194 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:07,560 The colors of the rainbow. So pretty in the sky. 195 00:17:08,430 --> 00:17:14,089 are also on the faces of people going by. 196 00:17:14,349 --> 00:17:20,589 I see friends shaking hands, saying, how do you do? 197 00:17:21,770 --> 00:17:27,290 They're really saying, I love you. 198 00:17:28,670 --> 00:17:31,110 I hear puppies crying. 199 00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:34,170 I watch you grow. 200 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:40,920 You'll learn much more than I'll ever know. 201 00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:47,440 And I think to myself, what a 202 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,420 wonderful world. 203 00:17:54,080 --> 00:18:01,080 Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful 204 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,240 world. 205 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:18,960 Wonderful. 206 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:20,820 Wish I knew how to look. 207 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,620 Hey, Fuzzy, my main Fuzzy. Oh, Floyd. 208 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:29,320 Yeah, listen, you know, one of the dudes in the band is so turned on by the fact 209 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:33,660 that you suggested we do Lullaby of Birdland, he'd like to shake your hand 210 00:18:33,660 --> 00:18:36,040 personally. Hey, I'd have sang. 211 00:18:51,180 --> 00:18:52,180 hurt to be hit. 212 00:18:56,660 --> 00:18:57,660 What's wrong with you? 213 00:18:58,580 --> 00:19:00,500 It's either this show or indigestion. 214 00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:02,320 I hope it's indigestion. 215 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:04,620 It'll get better in a little while. 216 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,100 Just wish it came with a flashlight. 217 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,700 Floyd, it's time to do Lullaby of Birdland. 218 00:19:27,940 --> 00:19:32,680 Oh, yeah. Speaking of which, since I'm playing vibes in this number, we're 219 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,300 to need another player for the bass. 220 00:19:34,660 --> 00:19:36,960 Floyd, how can I find a bass player now? You're on. 221 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,620 Hey, come back. No problem. 222 00:19:40,140 --> 00:19:43,180 I have already found the perfect bass player. 223 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,460 Floyd, you just go out... 224 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,680 this number for my hip brothers, Green Stuff! 225 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:38,740 Stickly, that is. Hi, Stick here. Tune into Nickelodeon every weekday after 226 00:23:38,740 --> 00:23:42,780 school for Nick in the Afternoon. That's Hey Dude, Wienerville, Beetlejuice, 227 00:23:42,860 --> 00:23:44,420 Wild and Crazy Kids, and me. 228 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,600 That's Nick with Stick. No, Stick with Nick. 229 00:23:47,860 --> 00:23:50,560 It's Nick with Nick with Cut. 230 00:23:51,300 --> 00:23:54,900 Now, stay tuned for The Partridge Family, next on Nick at Night. 231 00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:02,640 This show is awful. Terrible. Disgusting. See you next week? Of 18028